(Author's note: This is a gift for my dear friend Modounbubble, whose birthday was in April and I thought it was in May! Sorry for being late. Anyway, she asked for comedy shenanigans with characters of my choice and it's fine if it is modern AU, so I chose her OTP Amanus and went for a fake dating scenario.
Only that all this kinda turned into more slice of life instead of comedy? I hope it still is enjoyable though!
For some context, in my modern AU Artorias is a cop and Manus is a pharmacist, but turns into a criminal at night to finance the lifestyle of his daughters. Artorias is completely oblivious about this.
Also, they have a twenty year age gap and Manus has unique biology that is discussed in here. If that isn't your thing please just kindly turn around and read something else.)
"Kid, you can't be serious!"
Manus stared at Artorias with wide eyes, who had come into his pharmacy not to get any medicine but with a very specific request.
"Pleeease, Manus.", Artorias had his hands folded in front of him and the biggest puppy eyes possible on his face, "You are the last option I have. I told my parents that I finally found a partner so that they are off my tail. Now my mom's birthday is coming up and I promised I would come with the partner that I pulled out of my nose."
"But... there has to be someone else that you could take!", Manus said, taking a few steps back from the counter. It wasn't that he disliked Artorias, he actually was rather fond of the man, but he also was very aware that they had a massive age difference and Manus was more akin to be his father than his date.
"Well, I asked Ornstein and while he was ready to be my fake date, I then had to tell him that my parents breed hunting dogs and then he got all pale and suddenly had something else to do. I then remembered that he actually has quite a phobia of dogs, only being able to interact with my Sif. Then I asked Ciaran and while she seemed to be VERY ready to be my fake date, she then got called on a mission. She called me and apologized even a hundred times for it. I can't take Gough, because my parents know him and they know he is aro/ace. Who else should I ask? Gwyndolin who would probably insist on taking their snakes along? And Lady Gwynevere is FAR too busy for such an event and I am not trusting Seath as far Ciaran's hair goes and she keeps it rather short."
"So.", Manus said, pretending to fill in prescriptions to make his hands look busy, "You came to ME instead? Even though I am so much older and your parents probably won't approve of you dating someone the age of your dad?"
"...You have a point actually.", Artorias said, leaning on the counter and letting his head hang low, "But still, I prefer this over coming with nobody again. They won't ever let me hear the end of it. Please, Manus, do this for me and I'll do anything you want."
"Anything, you say...", Manus said, carefully considering his words, "So... if I come with you to play your boyfriend in front of your parents, I request that you take me out for dinner in the future."
Manus felt himself blush slightly and quickly turned around to sort the pain medication behind him. He just had agreed to be a fake date only to get a real date out of the whole deal.
"Oh sure, that's fine.", Artorias said with a big smile and Manus remembered that Artorias wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. He was excellent when it came to solving crimes, of course (though he still hadn't found out about Manus' shady business outside of the pharmacy), but when it came to romantic things... Manus was sure that that woman he worked with, Ciaran, had a big crush on him and Artorias just never got it. Well, Manus himself very much liked Artorias in this way too, so he didn't object to Artorias being oblivious to Ciaran's feelings, but unfortunately he was also oblivious to Manus' feelings.
Just when had Manus become so fond of this big grinning idiot who had barged into his pharmacy once to request lactase pills and left without paying, only to come back later with a very sheepish smile and pay double the price? Maybe it had been the first time he had laid eyes on him.
"Alright, then I will be your boyfriend, though... we should probably try and disguise me to be... younger.", Manus remembered the gray streaks in his black hair and his wrinkles, being in his mid fifties opposed to Artorias' mid thirties. "That will make the whole thing more believable to your parents."
"I will ask Gwyndolin to help us out.", Artorias said and then hopped over the counter to pull Manus into a bear hug which almost felt like his spine got crushed, "You are the best, Manus, thank you so much."
As fast as he had come, Artorias had left the pharmacy and he left Manus leaning on his counter, asking himself what he had gotten himself into. There was no way that wouldn't go wrong, not with Artorias absolute obliviousness.
Three days later Gwyndolin had helped them to prepare Manus to look around thirty instead of fifty. He got a dye so that the gray streaks in his hair would vanish and Gwyndolin had applied enough make-up to make his wrinkles and dark circles under his eyes disappear.
Looking at Artorias, he also had dark circles under his eyes, but that was expected from a crime investigating cop. He also found it wasn't that obvious thanks to his rather tan skin. Manus on the other hand was as white as a sheet of paper.
Currently the two of them sat in the car heading to Artorias' home.
"Aren't you taking Sif with you?", Manus asked, surprised about the absence of Artorias' trusty companion. He took his german shepherd everywhere normally. He just couldn't take her into the pharmacy because Manus forbid to bring animals in. Some of his customers had allergies and he couldn't have animal hair all over his stuff.
"No, she's at home.", Artorias said, "My neighbour is taking care of her. My parents have dogs of their own and I don't want to rile them up too much. Of course Sif is an absolute angel, but a place where dogs get bred is very different, especially when they have a litter of puppies."
"That makes sense.", Manus murmured, "Reminds me of when my daughters wanted a pet. I couldn't really afford to get them a dog though, with my job, so they got a hamster instead. They loved it dearly, even though it didn't live long. And now Alsanna is married to a guy who keeps three whole tigers."
"Oh, about your daughters!", Artorias said, "We might have to lie about them and make them younger than they are, to, uh, keep up our lie."
"Noted.", Manus said, falling silent, watching out the window, enjoying the scenery.
Artorias' parents luckily only lived around one hour per car away from the city. According to him, his parents had preferred to buy a large mansion with lots of room for the dogs to run when they had decided their line of work. That there weren't any immediate neighbours probably also helped out.
Artorias parked the car and got outside, fetching the gift from the backseat. Manus also exited the car, stretching his legs. Even though the drive hadn't been that long, at his age his body would hurt all over, regardless what he did.
"Ready?", Artorias said, looking at Manus, "We have to act all lovey dovey with each other, I really hope that you don't mind. If I... if I do anything that upsets you, just tell me."
Manus had to roll his eyes. Artorias was far too kind. He didn't even know that Manus actually wanted Artorias to act all lovey dovey with him. Honestly, it would be no problem for Manus to act like his boyfriend, he only regretted that it was not real. At least he got a real date out of all this.
The both of them stood in front of the door when Artorias rang the doorbell. Instantly, the barking of several dogs was heard. Shortly after, the door was opened and Manus stared as Artorias got buried by three rather big Irish Setters.
"Hey, Rogier, D, Gideon, give me some time to arrive.", Artorias laughed, his face being licked by all the dogs. Manus took a step back, he didn't have anything against dogs, but he would prefer for his face to stay clean. Hopefully Artorias would wash his face as well before he had to kiss him. Wait, had Artorias ever said they would do that? Manus surely hoped they would.
A small woman had opened the door, around the size of Manus (who was ridiculously small next to Artorias. Artorias was HUGE, almost two metres and Manus sat at around one metre and sixty centimetres). "Artorias, it's so nice to see you. And I see the dogs missed you too.", she laughed.
"Mom!", Artorias jumped up, the dogs surrounding him with wagging tails, "Happy birthday!", he pulled her into a hug which looked downright bone crushing, but was very gentle, Manus could see it. Artorias was such a kind soul, he would never hurt someone on purpose. Artorias turned around after releasing his mother, Mrs. Walker was her name, Walker was Artorias' surname.
"This is my boyfriend, Manus.", Artorias said, laying a hand around his shoulders.
"Oh, Arty, did you finally find a special someone?!", Mrs. Walker's eyes gleamed, "That is the best birthday present I could have asked for."
"I still have something more palatable for you.", Artorias laughed.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Walker. And happy birthday.", Manus said, even bowing slightly in front of her. If he remembered correctly, Artorias' family had lots of influence in Anor Londo, it was how Artorias had managed so easily to be able to work under Gwyn.
"It's a pleasure to meet you too, Manus.", Mrs. Walker said, "Come on in, your dad wants to meet you and your boyfriend too. He's busy with my birthday meal."
"Oh, I should help him, but first I want to see Roderika and her litter.", Artorias said.
"Please clean your face first.", Manus murmured, "I am not kissing you with a face full of dog slobber."
Artorias stared at him and it reminded Manus that they actually were only fake dating and him wanting to kiss Artorias was his own fantasy, but Mrs. Walker wholeheartedly agreed. "Of course, not everyone is fond of dog kisses.", she smiled, "Come, Arty, while you wash your face, I can show Manus the house."
"Okay, I'll be back in a few minutes.", Artorias said and vanished into the direction of where the bathroom was probably. Manus stayed with Mrs. Walker, who led him through various rooms of the house. It was an incredibly old mansion, but well maintained. Manus would have loved to look for some valuable things that he could pocket to sell on the black market, but he really shouldn't steal from Artorias' parents (all because his daughters had demanded a far too expensive lifestyle from him and he was deep into debt). Besides, the dogs followed them everywhere and he knew how vigilant they could be. He wasn't there to commit crimes, he was there to play Artorias' boyfriend.
Artorias joined them a few minutes later, practically dragging Manus with him. "Come, let's look at the litter. They are just two weeks old and must be so cute."
"But Arty, don't you want to say hello to your dad first?", Mrs. Walker asked.
"I am seeing Dad the whole day, the puppies I can only see now.", Artorias said, making his mom roll her eyes at her son.
"Aah, children.", she said. Manus agreed with her silently, he knew those behaviours from his own daughters. Soon they stood in a dimly lit room where another Irish Setter (probably said Roderika) was watching over a litter of puppies that had just figured out how to crawl. Manus had to agree that it was rather adorable, but not the puppies, but how happy Artorias was about them.
"Has he always been like that?", he asked Mrs. Walker who had joined the two of them shortly after Artorias had dragged Manus off.
"Yes, since he was a toddler.", Mrs. Walker said and then clapped in her hands, "Oh, I need to show you Arty's toddler photos! He was such a precious child!"
"Mom, please!", Artorias said, hastily setting the puppy he was holding back on the ground and taking Manus' hand to drag him along, "Let's say hello to my dad now."
Mrs. Walker stayed with the puppies and Manus could practically feel her stares. It felt like she had just waited for her chance to embarrass Artorias in front of his newly found boyfriend. Not that Manus had anything against it, he wanted to see Artorias all flustered. That made him even cuter than he already was.
Artorias led Manus into the kitchen, where Artorias' father, Mr Walker, was busy preparing a grand meal.
"Arty, finally you show your face here!", Mr Walker beamed. He looked a LOT like Artorias, just older. Same smile, same untamed black hair, just with more gray and more wrinkles. Like Manus had if he wouldn't have been disguised as a younger man. Mr Walker pulled his son into a bear hug, but not one as gentle as Artorias had given to his mom. Manus swore he could hear Artorias' bones crack.
"Ouch, Dad, not that hard.", Artorias laughed, "I have to introduce someone to you." He stepped to the side so that Manus was visible, "Manus, my boyfriend."
"Oh, Arty, did you finally decide to settle down with someone?", Mr Walker had the exact same gleam as his wife in his eyes as he eyed Manus, "Hmmm, good taste, son, I also liked your mother because she was so small and cute. I see we have similar tastes."
Manus felt himself blush at the comparison or more at being called out about their size difference. "Dad, that's now why we-", Artorias said and then looked at Manus, "-or do we?"
Oh, of course Artorias would be too oblivious to find a believable lie.
"No, we got together because of our mutual respect and interests and because we find solace and joy in the company of the other.", Manus saved the situation and then surprised himself by murmuring, "But I surely don't object about him being tall and strong."
"See, he gets it.", Mr Walker said, turning back to the stove, "Do you want to help me, Artorias? Together we will get dinner done sooner."
"Oh, of course I will he-", Artorias started to say, but gasped when Mrs. Walker appeared and took Manus' arm, saying: "Hey, perfect timing to show you the photos I promised."
"I am sorry, Dad, I have to do some damage control!", Artorias shouted and ran after the two of them, leaving Mr Walker alone with a confused look.
The next hour or so was spent with a myriad of photo albums. Manus swore that Artorias' parents had taken pictures of every single minute of his life, so many of them were there. She started with the toddler pictures, much to Artorias' dismay who hid his face in his hands several times (which was such an adorable look, Manus could look at Artorias' flustered face forever), but then moved on to photos shortly after he was born.
"And this was right after I gave birth.", Mrs. Walker said, pointing to a photo of a very exhausted woman holding a rather big baby, "As you can see, Arty was always on the larger side."
"I am surprised you could bear him naturally.", Manus murmured, "I probably would have gotten a c-section just to be sure."
"What?", Mrs. Walker said, looking at Manus with surprise. Oh shoot, Artorias' parents didn't know a very specific detail about him.
"I mean, for my wife! I would have gotten my wife a c-section if she would have expected such a large baby.", he tried to save the situation.
"Oh, that means...", Mrs. Walker looked at Artorias who looked like he had seen a ghost. They certainly had to discuss this before they blew it up.
"I am divorced.", Manus said as quickly as possible and then looked at Artorias, "Artorias, can I have a word with you really quickly in private?"
"Of course.", Artorias said and soon the two of them found themselves in a spacious bathroom which door Artorias locked.
"I assume you didn't tell your parents about my unique biology.", Manus said.
"That you are intersex with full functioning female reproductive organs and carried all your daughters yourself after having bought semen from a sperm bank?", Artorias said, "Of course not. They are very tolerant, but they have that thing going on that children should come from the love of two people, so they whole buying semen thing might set them off..."
"Well, we just have to lie to them that I divorced myself from my wife, like I did. Hmmm, let's call her... Gwynessa, yes, that is the right name.", Manus said, "Don't forget it, if we talk about my divorced wife, she's called Gwynessa."
"Oh, because you used to date Gwyn?", Artorias asked.
It was an innocent question, but made Manus flush, "Please don't ever mention THAT in front of them. You remember that Gwyn and I broke up because he wanted to have the age of fire and I wanted to have the age of dark?"
"I don't know why you are saying such fancy names for a simple mayor's competition.", Artorias said, "Come, let's go back, I am sure my mother will ask about your daughters soon. You better tell her some stories to keep her curiosity sated."
Manus nodded and they both went back to the living room. In the meantime, Mr Walker had joined them. "Don't you need to watch over the food, Dad?", Artorias asked.
"I just put the meat loaf into the oven and the rest can simmer on its own for a while.", he said, "I see you were looking at Arty's photos."
"Yes and Manus just informed me that he actually has children of his own.", Mrs. Walker said, "Please tell us about them. They hopefully get along with Arty. It might look like he is awesome with children, but as an only child he always is unsure when it comes to them."
"Children are more of an Ornstein thing.", Artorias admitted, scratching his head, "Because he grew up in an orphanage and always looked after the little ones there."
"Oh, Artorias is great with them actually.", Manus said, omitting the fact that all of his daughters already were adults and that most of them didn't care at all for who he crushed on, "I have four girls, named Nashandra, Elana, Nadalia and Alsanna. Nashandra is the oldest and Alsanna is the youngest."
"Four?! You were busy.", Mrs. Walker said, "Your wife must have been downright exhausted after giving birth so much. Arty was more than enough for me."
"To be fair, Mom, the girls are a lot smaller than me.", Artorias murmured, "Look at Manus, he isn't very tall."
"So am I.", Mrs. Walker said, "You got your height from your dad."
"And I am not apologizing for it.", Mr Walker said, "Though I should apologize to my darling for having such trouble in labour."
"Well...", Manus said, paling a bit, "She sure did have trouble..." He of course remembered every time he had been in labour himself, but he couldn't say that to Artorias' parents. Artorias had made it clear they wouldn't understand the part where he basically had bought semen to get his children.
Mrs. Walker, who noticed his obvious discomfort, gasped and said: "Oh, I am sorry, we shouldn't talk about pregnancy and labour without considering that it could make people uncomfortable. Do you maybe have a photo of your daughters? How old are they?"
"I am interested in that too.", Mr Walker said.
"Oh sure, I have some, wait a moment...", Artorias said, getting out his phone. He recently had decided to digitize all his old photos and put them into a folder on his phone, which turned out to be a blessing. "And they are eleven, eight, six and four.", he said. He actually had gotten Nashandra at age 24, so he just had to make them twenty years younger, if he was supposed to be in his thirties right now.
"Oh, how adorable.", Mrs Walker said, "Is Nashandra already mature enough to look after them or are they with a babysitter?"
"They are with a babysitter.", Manus hastily said, thinking about Nashandra's brattiness. If he would have left her alone with her little sisters, he would have come back to an apartment full of chaos. Even now she was the brattiest of them. He was sure she had married Vendrick only to take advantage of him.
"I would have left Sif with them, but dogs and toddlers are never a good idea.", Artorias said, maybe only to have to say something, having been rather quiet over the last few minutes.
Finally, Manus found the photos and handed his phone to Artorias' parents. "Ah, here they are, just swipe through them."
"I want to see the photos too.", Artorias said and got up, taking Manus' hand (oh no, why had he too flush about this so suddenly) and standing behind the sofa on which Mrs. Walker was sitting.
Manus had chosen the photos in which the girls matched the ages he had told they were. Luckily he looked still younger then, so that he matched his current appearance. Mrs Walker was looking at a photo where he sat on the couch with Alsanna on his lap, Nashandra standing behind him doing a victory sign and Elana and Nadalia sitting next to him.
"Oh, they are adorable.", Mrs Walker said, "Though I am surprised about their looks, it hardly looks like they are siblings sometimes."
"Oh, me and my wife come from very diverse backgrounds.", Manus said, "Some of them look more like their grandparents, you know? Alsanna is probably the one who looks most close to me."
"I see.", she said and swiped through the photos. In the meantime, Mr Walker had come over too to look at them.
"If they don't accept you, Arty, just bake these cookies of yours and they will melt in your hand.", he said, "Children are like this."
"Oh yes, I will. They, uh, ask me about them all the time.", Artorias, sweating a bit. He was so bad at lying. It was adorable, but also kind of a problem because they didn't want to break the lie that the two of them weren't actually dating and Manus was twenty years older than Artorias.
"Wait.", Mrs. Walker said, "Why can't I find a photo with your wife present?"
"Oh, it's because...", Manus' mind raced to find an explanation, "Gwynessa always took the photos.", he said.
"Gwynessa?", Mr Walker said, "Is that some relative of Gwyn?"
"Yes, indeed, a not well known niece.", Manus hastily said, "But our relationship broke apart anyway and she travelled abroad, so my daughters decided to stay with me."
"I see.", Mrs. Walker said, "It's good that you are willing to find a new love after your old one broke up." She swiped again and the photo that appeared almost made Manus choke.
It was him in his old fursuit. He once had made a fursona, long before his daughters had become a thing, and went to conventions with it. It had been a large furry monster with horns who housed several red eyes, a large left hand and a tail. Not even Artorias knew about this and Manus could see the judging gaze of his not-boyfriend.
"Ah, one of the sins of my youth!", Manus said, "Please ignore that."
"I.. I am going to take care of the food again.", Mr Walker said and left towards the kitchen.
"Oh Mom, I forgot to give you your present.", Artorias said and left to get it probably, leaving Manus and Mrs Walker behind.
She just kept staring at the phone and then had to laugh. "Oh, don't let this see your daughters once they are older, they will absolutely HATE this, especially when they are teenagers."
Manus' face flushed. Not only because Artorias and his family had seen that, but also because that had exactly been Nashandra's reaction when she had found his old fur suit as a teenager.
"Thank you for not judging me.", Manus said, sitting back in one of the armchairs, laying his hands on his lap. Well, karma had gotten him. He had seen Artorias' childhood photos and Artorias had seen something that he never wanted for him to see.
Artorias came back shortly later and handed his mother a neatly wrapped package. "Happy birthday, Mom.", he said. Mrs. Walker unwrapped it right away and held a scarf in her hands, clearly Artorias had knitted it himself and it had the picture of a dog on it.
"Oh, Artorias, that is wonderful, thank you so much.", she said, hugging her son, "Now I won't have to freeze in the cold."
Then all of them fell quiet and sat there in kind of an awkward silence until Mrs. Walker spoke. "Well, your father is still busy, so let's walk the dogs.", she said, "I am sure you are eager to show your boyfriend the area."
"My boy-, oh of course.", Artorias said, apparently having forgotten the whole fake dating thing. "Come, Manus, let's get ready to go outside. I am eager to show you my favourite places from when I was still a child."
"You are still kind of a child, kid.", Manus murmured, falling back to his old nickname for Artorias as he went to get his shoes and jacket and went to the bathroom before leaving the house. Soon, Mrs. Walker had three dogs on the leash and Artorias and him had hooked their arms. How Manus wished it could be like this forever.
The walk actually was nice. Artorias talked a lot about the areas where he had played thirty to twenty-five years ago. It was a joy listening to him and Mrs Walker had some nice anecdotes to share too.
Once the dogs were left to play and run on a large field however, Artorias murmured: "You never told me that you are a furry."
"It was a phase, kid.", Manus sighed, "I tried it out and noticed it wasn't for me. I still like the fursona I thought up, however. He was big and powerful and could use dark magic, unlike myself. All I can do is mix medicine and despair whenever my daughters talked me into buying them expensive clothes and accessories again."
"Well, I like you how you are.", Artorias said, "I wouldn't have been able to present a monster to my family as my boyfriend. Or could I?"
"Please don't consider that ever again, kid.", Manus said between clenched teeth, and then, because he got curious, "Artorias, if... just if, what would have been your fursona?"
"A wolf of course.", Artorias replied without hesitation.
"Of course.", Manus said, "What else could it be?"
"Hey, when we go to our next renaissance fair, if you still have this suit, come with us and we can enact a fight of a monster against the valiant knight.", Artorias said.
"Only if you let me win.", Manus said, smiling.
"Not fair.", Artorias replied and slightly tackled Manus, which let him tumble full force to the ground, Artorias had apparently forgotten how much taller he was.
Still, Manus just sat on the ground smiling. Even though their relationship was fake, it felt like something had formed between them. Maybe this idiot of Artorias really would realize something about his own feelings soon.
The rest of the day went better than expected actually. Manus had expected more hurdles, but they went back to Artorias' home where Mrs. Walker helped to wash Manus' clothes which had gotten a bit dirty from Artorias' tackle. Artorias helped his dad in the kitchen and Manus talked a bit more to Mrs. Walker about his daughters, though she reprimanded him for always giving in when they wanted to have expensive toys, it would only lead him to debt (which already had totally happened and was the reason Manus was a thief at night and a pharmacist by day).
They had food which was excellent. Manus often had gotten cookies from Artorias, so he knew he was a good baker, but apparently Artorias and his father also were excellent chefs. Then they talked a bit more until it got late and the two of them had to leave.
In the car, Artorias said: "Well, that went better than expected."
"Honestly, kid, I am surprised about this as well.", Manus said, "They barely suspected a thing. Your parents are really nice."
"Yeah, they barely bat an eye at anything.", Artorias laughed, "Now I feel dumb about lying to them, I think they wouldn't even have minded that you are older than me or that your daughters don't came from the love between two people. My mom told me that she thinks that you are an awesome dad to them."
"Maybe a bit too awesome...", Manus murmured, clenching his fists in his lap.
"Anyway, thanks so much for coming with me and doing that.", Artorias said, "I promised to take you out for dinner as thanks, but... I have to admit something. Today was... fun. I... can we treat this dinner as a real date maybe?"
Manus felt his heart beat faster as Artorias said that.
"Kid, of course we can.", he said, "Because... I had feelings for you for a long time."
Artorias gasped and then looked at Manus for a second before looking back at the street: "What?! I never noticed."
"Because you can be really really oblivious.", Manus said, a smile washing over his lips, "Just as your parents."
(Author's notes: Yes, the dogs have Elden Ring names, because I can.
Anyway, I hope that you like it Bubble. I have to admit, I stressed out myself too much over this, but reading it again, I think it turned out fine. Not as much comedy as I wanted, but they, there is no comedy when you don't put heart into it.
It makes me feel things about my Modern AU though, maybe I should pick my short stories back up and write some more scenarios, hmmm...)