IX

Dreams are sweet until they're not, flowers bloom until they rot and fall apart

She doesn't tell anyone what happened between her and Luke.

At least not immediately.

It's not like she's embarrassed and feels like she has to keep a charade, it's just that she herself doesn't know what happened so she doesn't know exactly how to explain to others that she and Luke broke up.

So she lies.

She tells Carrie they were too inebriated and didn't do anything that night.

She tells her father and tía that Luke is fine.

Only Carlos knows the truth.

She also knows the truth. It's not like this is an elaborate ruse where she's pretending they are still together just for show. No, this is nothing like that. She just needs to come to terms with what just happened before she breaks the news to other people.

She needs to understand why Luke, a guy who was always sweet, respectful and amazing with her, broke up their relationship seemingly without a reason. She needs to come to terms with the little detail that maybe she didn't know him very well and this is simply another failed relationship under her belt.

But she's always been very stubborn so she refuses to concede to that thought.

She agrees the relationship had been short but that didn't make it any less meaningful. In two months all the experiences and the happiness he brought her could easily rival what she has lived and experienced in those 23 years before she met him. She knows she loves him and she knows he loved her too.

She holds on to that, because even if it hurts, even if she doesn't have answers or explanations she knows she was loved. The breakup, as hurtful as it is, won't make her change her mind, won't erase the good time they spent together and the memories she will always have with him by her side.

It hurts, but she holds on to that feeling because it's the only thing keeping her from completely hating Luke's guts. Even if she knows she doesn't need to hold on to anything because there's no way she can hate Luke. She's sad, confused, frustrated and hurt but she doesn't hate him, she doesn't think she can and she feels a little pathetic because it's the logical reaction. But this isn't about logic, it's about her feelings, so no, she doesn't hate him because, well…

She wishes he'd come back, at least a part of her does, the part of her that is convinced that if they talk, they can work things through or at least have a better ending than whatever shit show that happened on their last night together.

A night she can't even bring herself to hate because before everything went to shit she had a terrific night. She performed with the band and had a blast, she let herself once again be lured by Luke into a new experience, to the uncharted territory of performing with a band to a song she hadn't even practiced properly and in the process she let herself go; she didn't care about anything other than him and the fact that they were performing their song together with their friends. They could've been alone because all she cared about in that moment was them, the music they made together and their friends.

It was as if she had caught a glimpse of what kind of future together they could've had and she had loved every second of it. That's why it hurt so much to have the door closed in her face, because that would no longer be a viable future for her to have.

But even if she hadn't performed with the band and that Saturday night had been a regular one where she just saw them perform and acted like a groupie; she knew she'd still value the memory because of sharing a bed with Luke. That's a moment that still makes her feel soft and clouds every bad thought she can have about him. Because it's a moment that will haunt her forever, mostly because she doesn't know if it was real or it was made up by all the love she has for Luke. It's a memory that will forever exist in limbo, static in a moment where reality, dreams and a broken heart came together to give her one last good memory of them.

In the middle of that night she had woken up, she felt thirsty and the need for water was too much to ignore so she had opened her eyes, only to find Luke peacefully sleeping in front of her. Eyes closed, brown hair a complete mess, lips pursed into a fine line, body turned completely towards her, with a hand extended near her body, in the middle of both of them as if he had wanted to hold her hand but resigned from the effort right away and settled for the middle ground.

Little did he know she would've held her hand even if she was hurt by his behavior, she would've held it as tightly as she could. The truth was that she had wanted to do more than hold his hand. She actually had wanted to stir him awake and try to talk things through but she didn't. She doubted in the dead of night she'd be able to get any more answers than before.

So instead of doing any of that or even getting a glass of water she simply moved her hand to be close to his, not quite touching but existing in the same space.

She'd never felt so close and yet so far away from him.

That was the last time she saw Luke. She woke up alone that morning with Carlos as her only company and some pancakes that tasted like cement on her mouth.

That was the last time she saw him but not the last time she thought of him or felt him around, because that was the thing: Luke was everywhere she looked. He had carved himself a space in her life and he remained there despite the lack of a relationship, the ghost of him followed her everywhere and even if she didn't want it she knew every step she took she'd by stepping in the ashes of their relationship.

There was no escaping him, it was almost impossible; his side of the bed remained untouched and it still smelled like him, the toothbrush she'd given him remained next to hers, the couple of books he'd given her were still next to hers… But it was more than that. It was looking at the couch and thinking of all the cuddles and songwriting that had happened there, it was looking at Carlos and remembering the way Luke treated him kindly or the way he was selfless and helped her every night she had to close the store. Now she couldn't even use Spotify because of all the silly playlists they had made together were just another painful reminder of him.

She knows that she's going through a break up but she feels as if she's mourning more than a romantic relationship because Luke was more than her boyfriend, he was a friend, someone who had her back and treated her like she was the most amazing person he'd ever met, he was someone she saw as a partner and someone she knew could build a future together.

She's not mourning just a relationship, she's mourning the future they could've had together.

That's why she gives herself some time before breaking the news to everyone.

Carrie ends up being the first person she tells, which is sort of unexpected because normally she'd be running straight into her father's arms. The only reason she doesn't do that is because something inside of her stops her, something she doesn't even have a name for.

(The truth is she does have a name for that and it's called stupidly longing for him to reappear. Rationally she knows that it's not likely to happen because it's been a week and a half and he hasn't even tried to reach out by text but a part of her clings to hope even if it's a stupid thing to have right now.)

So she tells Carrie. Well, really, she's kinda forced to tell her.

It goes like this: her friend finally wraps her tour and because of that she's able to go home in almost six months. She requests that Julie be the one to pick her up from the airport because she doesn't want anything other than a well-deserved girl's night with her oldest and dearest friend so Julie complies because of course she wants to see her friend and spend time together but that also means she won't be able to escape or lie her way out of the questions that Carrie asks.

There's no point in continuing to deny her reality, by now she knows she won't ever get an explanation and even if it will haunt her forever, she knows it's time to tell the truth.

"Luke and I broke up, actually." She knows she made a good decision waiting to tell her after they have arrived at her own place because the scream Carrie lets out would've probably made her cause an accident on the highway. When her friend asks (nay, demands!) to know what happens, Julie is grateful she just started to make coffee and there's Basque burnt cheesecake on her fridge, so she feels there's enough fuel to get her through the explanation. "It happened the night we were supposed to have sex…"

"And you didn't tell me? What? Why? Why would you let me believe you were still together? How are you feeling? Do we need to murder him and make it look like an accident? Are you okay? What happened?" Carrie's questions run out of her mouth as if they're running from their lives but Julie saw this coming and she's able to understand her friend without paying much attention anyways, so she busies herself and serves the coffee and slices the cheesecake, letting her breathe for a second. "Julie, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I don't know how I am, to be completely honest." She says only to immediately be wrapped in a hug. Carrie is a lot of things but hugs are not something she gives lightly so the gesture is greatly appreciated. "That's why I haven't told anyone, I'm still trying to process things."

"Anyone? You mean not even Ray knows?"

"The only ones that know are Carlos and you. I just… Carrie I don't even know how to explain it." She says, sounding as if she was defeated. Luckily, her friend picks up on that and hugs her again, giving her a couple of minutes so that she can compose herself.

"Take all the time you need Julie, I'm here okay? I'll stay here for as long as you need me."

That's what breaks her, that's what makes her cry again, the fact that she thought Luke would be there when she needed him and that she'd always have him to have her back. She cries because the door is closed on those kinds of situations from ever happening. She also cries because of how grateful she is Carrie is there, she has really missed her friend.

"That night everything was great; I cannot state this enough. He asked me to perform with his band a song that we wrote together and we did, it was amazing Carrie, really. Despite everything I cannot downplay how I felt sharing that moment with him, with them really." She takes her friend's hand and squeezes a bit, before bracing herself to try and explain what happened after. "When we got here I just let go and we started kissing, we never voiced our consent but he replied and he was eager. He carried me to the counter and because I was horny and didn't want to wait I took my crop top off, I was about to do the same with his cut off when he took a couple of steps back. I thought he needed air but then he said he couldn't do it, he said he wanted to but couldn't. He didn't even give me an explanation, after that he left and I haven't heard from him ever since."

She doesn't tell her friend about him staying and sharing a bed for the night, not because of anything in particular because she knows Carrie won't judge her but she wants that memory to stay with herself, there's no need for other people to know that.

"Just like that? 'I can't fuck with you but I will fuck you over'? Who does he think he is?" She can't help it but Carrie's phrasing of the whole thing actually makes her laugh, it's the first real laugh she's had since the breakup so she's grateful for that. "What do you think happened? Have you tried to contact him?"

"I don't know what happened and I don't know if I'll ever get an explanation. I don't know if it'll do me any good to keep waiting for one." She shrugs because that's the truth, she doesn't know if she'll ever see him again and even if she does, he doesn't have to give her an explanation. She needs to heal and move on, and that includes letting go of things that are keeping her stuck on that night. "I haven't tried to contact him, I mean… He's the one that made all of this happen, he's the one who broke up with me, if someone should reach out it's him."

For a second, Carrie feels conflicted as if she's feeling unsure about what she's going to say; "Do you want him to reach out?"

Julie looks at her hands, unsure of what to even say because even if she knows the answer, she doesn't know how to feel about said answer. "Is it pathetic if I want him to reach out?"

"Of course not Julie, you have feelings for him. You love him, I think it's normal to want an explanation or just hear from him. The fact that you two broke up doesn't mean the feelings disappear. Please don't think you are pathetic or something like that, you are allowed to feel whatever you want right now."

She does feel a little relieved by her friend's words, she doesn't feel judged or ashamed because this is Carrie and she's just trying to support her. "It's not like... It's not like I'm expecting him with open arms and pretending that nothing happened. I'm not saying I want him back to continue our relationship, but I do want him to reach out and explain himself to me. I want a better ending than the one we had, I think while we were together everything was really good and we deserve a better ending. I want a better one because there's no way I'll spend the rest of my life trying to come to terms with the fact that he's someone I love and gave me two amazing months just for it all to come crashing down and I don't know how or why."

Carrie stays silent for a while so Julie takes the opportunity to drink her now lukewarm coffee and dig in the cheesecake because she's exhausted. She wants to talk about it but at the same time it seems as if all she does is think about and a part of her feels as if it, in a way, she's stuck forever on the night that the break up happened and she's tired. She's tired of what her life has become now.

"This is what happens when you play with fire Julie, you burn yourself. Remember that you wanted that." She thinks to herself as she stabs a piece of the desert with a little more strength than necessary.

"I really don't know what to say Julie. I just… You seemed so happy and I was hoping to meet him and see how great you two were together."

"You don't need to do anything, I'm glad I talked about it with you but I just… I don't want to do that anymore. All I've done these days is think about it and now I just want to not do that, I need to distract myself."

"You're in luck then because you know that's one of the things I do best." Says her friend, drinking a bit of her coffee before swatting her hand jokingly. "Stop hoarding the cheesecake, this is my welcome home dessert and you don't get to eat it all, okay?"

Julie laughs and concedes, before asking for all the details she hasn't shared about the tour. As she listens to her friend she knows she's far from getting over her breakup but this, with Carrie keeping her company and distracting her with her outrageous stories, is a start.

When she goes to her childhood home that weekend for a family dinner with her dad and tía Victoria she has every intention of letting them know the truth about her relationship with Luke because it's been two weeks and even if it still hurts it doesn't make that much sense to continue to hide her new relationship status to the two people who love her the most in the world. They have the right to know.

Julie feels prepared, completely ready to spill her guts but the second her dad opens the door and smiles at her she loses every ounce of hope of breaking the news to him. How can she even attempt to wipe that smile off his face?

She can't, she's not strong enough to make her dad feel sad.

So she continues to lie, even if Carrie suggested to her that sharing the news will continue to help her close that chapter in her life and move on.

She lies and keeps her sadness to herself, still unable to move on; instead making herself miserable by keeping one foot firmly rooted on that fateful night.

Why does she do this to herself? She doesn't have an answer and just like the explanation she feels Luke owes her, she doubts she'll ever get it.

Instead of wasting time asking questions she doesn't have answers for she decides to cross the door and leave the bouquets she brought for dinner aside to give her father a big hug. She won't tell him the news right now but she does appreciate the fact that she's able to hug him because this is just what she needs right now: her dad's unconditional and infinite love for her.

"Victoria called, she's going to be a little late. Do you want to help me set the table?" Her dad asks her, after they break the embrace and Julie shakes her head, because there's someone else she wants to visit.

"I want to go to the garage for a bit. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, take your time mija. We can catch up during dinner." He kisses her forehead before returning to the kitchen leaving her to pick a couple of flowers from the ones she brought before heading to the garage to say hello to her mom.

After her mother's unexpected death they had decided it would be an insult to her memory to bury her and made her spend the rest of her life rotting away in a cemetery they would rarely visit so instead they decided to cremate her. That way they would be able to keep her ashes and make her final place of resting was in the family living room where Julie took her first steps and they spent countless moments as a family. But even if her mother's ashes were in the family living room Julie never really got around to the idea of talking to a vase; instead, the garage was the place where Julie felt her mother's presence the most and therefore, the place where she went right now.

She might not be able to break the news to her dad and technically she's spoken to her mom already but she wants to be there, for a little while. At least for the sake of feeling as if her mom is hugging her and holding her hand through the heart break.

"I know this pain won't last forever but I just keep thinking everything would feel better if you were here. You'd know what to say and how to help me get back on my feet and start to feel better. I need you all the time mom, but this is my first real heartbreak and I need you more than anything right now." She says, sitting on the piano and looking up to the sky, hoping Rose's spirit would be able to send her a sign or something.

She tries not to feel too left down when nothing happens. Again, why does she do this to herself?

No, no. There's no point in continue to torture herself asking questions she has no answer for. So instead of doing that, she does what she does best when she's in the garage: she plays music.

Before their relationship burned she had started to work on a melody she hoped to complete and share with Luke. It wasn't a full on song but she hoped with his input it would eventually become one. All she had were some notes that refused to leave her head without being put to paper and eventually she had felt inspired enough to put together something that made her happy because it reminded her of Luke.

She knows she shouldn't be playing it but her fingers do not give a flying fuck about her own conflicted feelings and start moving as if they were independent and she can't do anything to stop them. She continues to play, because despite everything it's a beautiful song and she composed it with love in her heart so she might as well get used to that and enjoy it. After this she can vow to herself never to play it again, but for now she's going to enjoy the fact that she composed an amazingly beautiful song.

That's why she can't help but to smile to herself once she finishes playing but it's only briefly because she's suddenly startled by some clapping that's clearly directed at her. When she looks up from the piano she finds her father looking at her with pride in his smile to which she can't help but to blush.

"That was a beautiful song, mija. Very, very moving." He says walking towards her before sitting down by her side. "I love hearing you play and I know your mom does too but this one is new right? I don't remember hearing it before, was it inspired by a certain someone?" He asks playfully and Julie can't even feel sad because she did this to herself by not telling the truth.

"Yes, it is inspired by Luke." She answers honestly looking back at the piano because she cannot look at her father in the eyes while she continues to lie. She hopes he doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary and she knows she's succeeded in lying to him (something she should not celebrate but apparently she has now become someone who celebrates successfully lying to her father) when he tells her Victoria is on her way and they need to start setting up the table.

As they walk back to the house in silence she looks up at him and asks: "Dad, after mom died… Did you ever, I don't know, did the pain ever got to be so overwhelming that you wished to have never met her?"

They always talk about Rose in a positive way, always remembering the fact that even though she's gone they were left with enough moments together to always remember her by. She doesn't remember if they ever talked about her death per se or the mourning they both went into after Rose was gone. She doesn't really remember that first year of their life after her mother was gone, the two things she can rescue from her memory are Dr. Turner and her father's strength and support.

She knows he was in pain but what she remembers is that he was there for her, all the time.

For a second, Ray looks at her as if he's wondering where the heck is the question coming from but he answers anyways. "No. I mean, mija, losing your mother was like nothing I have ever experienced but loving her was also the same. It made sense that the pain would be unbearable but it was something I knew could happen, because when you love someone like that you're willing to love them and embrace the fact that they can be gone any day. We didn't marry but I didn't need to say 'in sickness and in health' to mean it. I would go through that pain again, because knowing your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me… Until you came of course." They stop in front of the house, Julie feeling very grateful for having Ray as her father. "But what brought this on mija? Are you okay?"

This is it Julie, you can tell him…

"I just thought that I never properly thanked you for being there for me after mom died. I knew I was in pain but you lost the love of your life and I can't imagine how that feels."

Or not. Just keep on lying and stabbing yourself as if you did not lose someone you love recently.

"There's nothing to thank. If anything I should thank you for existing. If you weren't here I wouldn't be able see your mother. Every day you remind me so much of her… She would be so proud of us, of you and the young woman you have become." He tells her, before opening the door and heading straight for the kitchen.

Julie doesn't follow him immediately, she stands on her porch just for a second, thinking about how her mother wouldn't feel proud of her right now. She would be disappointed of Julie, of raising a daughter that cannot tell her father the truth. She would be disappointed her daughter is still in love with someone who left her in the blink of an eye.

Julie wonders if she's just using her mother to mask the truth: that she's actually disappointed in herself.