X

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

He reappears in her life three weeks after the break up.

No texts, no calls, no warning. He just waltzes into her store the same way he has done many times in the past. He doesn't even have the courtesy of giving her a second to come to terms with him being there because he speaks right away.

"Can we talk upstairs?" That's the first thing he says after three weeks of absolute silence.

She doesn't even know how to feel. Should she be excited? Hopeful? Angry? Frustrated? Once again, she doesn't really have the answers to her own questions, so instead of continuing her task of assembling a beautiful crown of tulips, she decides to acknowledge his presence by looking at him; the first time she does that in three weeks.

It's dangerous to keep looking at him while not knowing what he wants or why he's there for, so she decides to walk up to her house because whatever is going to happen cannot occur in her store. She at least needs to feel protected in the place she calls home.

She tries to calm herself while walking up the stairs by taking a small breathe which definitely comes in handy when they reach upstairs and all she can hear is that he wants to show her something. Well, really he starts by saying that she probably doesn't want to see or hear him, which wasn't completely true, at least until he opened his mouth to tell her he had found something… What is he even talking about? What on Earth can be so important that after a horrible break up he feels compelled to come back and show her?

She only agrees because she's curious, but she can't help but to be mad at him, because this isn't what she expected. She might not have a clear view of what she wanted if he ever reappeared in her life, but this wasn't it. The fact that he comes back empty-handed is what sends her over the edge because what the hell is he doing?

But nothing prepares her for what happens after he steps aside and introduces her mother to her. All the rage and sadness that had accumulated inside her seemed to hit a wall because nothing else matters; she's seeing her mother for the first time after thirteen years of being motherless.

Her head is trying to wrap her head around the idea that Rose really is there in front of her when her mother takes the initiative and hugs her as tightly as no one has ever hugged her. That's when she knows she can't doubt she's really there; Rose, her mother, her mentor, the person she loved the most, the person who died suddenly after an aneurysm when she was ten, is hugging her and telling her how much she missed her.

But this can't be, right? She mourned her, and her father did. Rose is technically resting in a beautiful vase in her childhood's living room. Who is this woman who's hugging her?

"No, wait, wait!" She doesn't scream because she's too confused, but she raises her voice and adds just enough strength to it so that this woman decides to break the embrace. That's when Julie has a chance to give her another look and realizes that yes, this woman looks like her mother. Same hair, same face but with little changes that denote that's really been thirteen years since they last saw each other, same small frame… Same warmth radiating through her. "I lost my mother when I was ten years old. How is this possible?"

She thinks it's a miracle she can speak and make herself understood despite the tears that run free through her face. But her mother, no, this woman smiles and nods before guiding her to sit on the couch. Once she does, she can feel her fingers trying to wipe the tears and even if it's a nice gesture, Julie doesn't want this woman touching her; she wants answers, and she wants them now; something this person doesn't seem to understand.

"I'm going to make coffee and then I'll explain everything to you."

Julie can't even fight or refuse because she knows if this woman is going to explain something she needs to be as focused as possible, so she tries to get herself together while not leaving the woman out of her sight. Carlos also seems to be wary of the stranger and hops onto the counter to be closer to her, but his suspicions last three seconds because the second Rose scratches him behind the ears, she has won her over.

What a traitor.

The fact that the woman wins over her cat doesn't mean anything to Julie, who refuses to let her guard down and instead keeps on watching her, studying her moves as she makes and then pours the coffee. The longer she stares, the longer she thinks this woman moves just like Rose and apparently shares the same mannerisms with her deceased mother. How both of them are left-handed, how she dips her finger in the cup of coffee to test the temperature, how she uses two spoonfuls of brown sugar to sweeten her drink …

This woman might be her mother. Either that or there are a lot of coincidences happening in front of her.

"I put milk in your, like when you were little." The woman explains when she comes back with two coffees and Carlos in tow, settling next to her on the couch. Julie takes her mug and drinks while thinking this person could fake anything she's about to say and everything she just saw her do, but there's no way the person in front of her is able to actually mimic Rose's own voice. It's impossible, which just means…

"You're really my mom."

"Yes, I really am Julie and I know it sounds insane, but I promise you there's an explanation for everything. That's why Luke sought me out and that's why I'm here… I want to explain everything to you Julie but I will need a little cooperation from your part because what I'm about to say will not necessarily make sense…" Julie stops herself from snorting because her dead mother is apparently alive doesn't make sense, so she's not expecting her explanation to follow the rational rules of reality. "I have to start by saying I'm not 'alive', not really. I have never been alive because… Well, I am not human."

Of all the things her mother could've said, this was not something Julie was expecting and choking on her drink feels like the right way to react, because what the fuck? What does that even mean?

"You remember when you were little and your dad used to tell you there were gods for love and music and I would reply by saying what mattered the most was focusing on the present? Well, that's because I always wanted to divert you from the truth: I am a goddess, the goddess of harvest, agriculture and fertility. You might know me as Demeter." Her mother explains, clearly trying to be careful and wary of Julie's feelings but it doesn't matter how tactful her mother tries to be, because there's no way to explain this in a way Julie won't feel like her mind has been completely blown.

"So you're telling me that you're an immortal entity, that you're a goddess… Yeah, I guess that makes all the sense in the world mom." Julie can't help but to be sarcastic. What the hell did she expect? To have her believe all this crap? But when Rose stays silent, Julie cannot help but think she's telling the truth, despite how outrageous it sounds.

"That's why I asked you to cooperate a little, because it's going to sound like I lost my mind, but really I'm trying to explain what happened." Rose's tone is calm and collected, the same she would use the nights when she was little and had to be helped after a nightmare.

This is really her mother.

This is really the mother she thought had died.

This is the mother she mourned and in many ways still mourns.

This is the mother who she "speak" regularly.

This is the mother she'd never thought she'd get to hug again, so she owes it to herself to listen and try to believe whatever the hell Rose is trying to tell her.

"I am a goddess. All of those stories your dad told you are true to a point, because sometimes humans don't get the details right. But I exist and I will always exist, which is boring and the reason most of us mingle with humans. I was doing exactly that when I met your father … "

This is the first time Julie realizes her mom being back affects her dad as well and that he definitely should be there with her listening to what she assumes it's going to be the craziest story she's ever heard. But Ray is not there, which means Julie has to listen to this ludicrous story by herself. Maybe this is better. She doesn't like the idea of her dad hearing this before she does. Maybe this way is the best, and she gets to protect him from this if it ends up being a lie, even if she doubts that's a possibility.

"Meeting your father was something I cannot even try to describe. It was love at first sight, Julie. As soon as I saw him, I realized I was meant to be with him and that's what I did. I didn't care if he was human, and I was supposed to stick to my duties and whatnot because Ray was more important than that, he was..." Julie realizes her mother stops and it's because she's choked up. "Your father is the love of my life, Julie. That's why I said fuck it and stayed with him for so long. That's why I broke every stupid rule ever and had a child with him, because I love him but I wasn't stupid. I knew my time with him would eventually be cut short and I wanted to have you; not only so that he wouldn't be alone, but also because I wanted to have a child with the man I love."

"So you knew your time with us was limited and still put us through your so-called death?" She cannot help it if her words come with too much bitterness injected towards her mother, because she cannot even begin to comprehend why her mother chose to do that to the people she supposedly loved.

"Julie you have to understand…"

"Understand what? That you knew the whole time we were living on borrowed time and you had to leave? You knew mom, you knew, and I'm not saying you didn't suffer, but dad and I thought you were dead. You do not know what it is to mourn for someone." Says Julie, getting up from the couch and starting to walk around her apartment. She knows the only way she'll continue to have this conversation is to not let herself be overcome by all the feelings, but it's hard to keep her head cool about everything her mother is saying.

"I might not know what it is to mourn in the way you or your father did Julie, but I did grieve. I would never ever see you again, I had to mourn my family as well." Rose says with a broken voice, but Julie is still too pissed to let it go.

"You made your decision mom. You knew it would happen and you made a choice. I didn't choose to lose my mom at age ten and I'm sure dad didn't decide he wanted to spend the rest of his years without the love of his life." She cannot help it, but she starts to cry again because it seems like she's not happy her mom is back which she is, but things are not as simple as that. She realizes Rose is crying too, and she hates herself a bit because that's not what she wanted. "Why would you leave us? I just …I want to understand mom. I need to understand."

"I'm not the first goddess to have a relationship with a human and I'm certainly not the last one because nothing can't really stop us… Some rules have been implemented to keep order, but it's not forbidden. As long as I was responsible and had everything in check, I could do what I wanted."

There's a pause and Julie knows it's because whatever is coming out of her mother's mouth probably won't be easy to hear or for her to even say so she steps closer and rests her hand on her shoulder. She's still a little unsure about how to act around her mother, but she seems to welcome the gesture, so Julie leaves her hand there.

"We are not supposed to develop a deep bond with humans. We can mingle but there are lines we are not supposed to cross and I crossed them because I loved your father. My relationship with him was something I could get in trouble for, but when I got pregnant with you, I was officially breaking the rules because we are not supposed to reproduce with humans. It's not like you're the first demigod to ever exist and again, you won't be the last but… Your mere existence was against the rules. I was able to hide my pregnancy, and I was on top of my duties so that other gods didn't suspect what I was doing, but eventually they realized not only that you existed but also that I was very much involved in your lives." Rose stops because the tears flow from her cheeks and don't let her speak, at least in a way that would be comprehended by Julie, who decides to pour her mom a glass of water and give her a couple of minutes to compose herself. Rose downs the glass before resuming her story. "I was ordered to leave you immediately and I knew better than to fight back, so I faked my death. I didn't have any other choice, I was forbidden to ever come into contact with you again."

Julie disagrees with that statement, and she wants to voice her disagreement by saying there's always a choice, there's always the option of fighting back, but one has to want to fight back. But she can't, because she doesn't know if there was a way for Rose to actually fight and it doesn't matter anyways because it's been thirteen years. It doesn't do them any good to keep their heads turned to the past.

Instead, Julie takes a deep breath and lets it go.

She knows it's a simple action but what lies underneath is that she herself made a decision: she could be angry at her mother and her actions or try to find a way to have her mother back in her life; granted, that would not make the thirteen years they were apart disappear but Julie knew that despite everything she felt right now she would always regret if she chose to be angry at her mother forever.

So, as she lets go of all the air, she also lets the anger go.

She has her mother back and, although it's not easy and comes with a lot of pain and baggage, not everyone can say that one of their parents came back from death. She should consider herself lucky.

They stay in silence for a while, both of them clearly trying to calm themselves a bit. It's been very intense, and they simply cannot keep up. It's impossible to try and cover thirteen years in a couple of hours, but Julie doesn't know if she's ever going to see her mom again or if this is just a one-time thing, so she decides to ask.

"They forbade you from contacting me but you are here now, why?" She asks, but then she realizes that's not the important question, it's far from it. That's not the information she needs to have right now. "For how long will you be here? Are you going to leave again?"

She cannot help it, she doesn't care if her voice sounds like she's a child who's afraid of monsters and the night. She doesn't give a shit because the truth is that she's terrified of the idea of losing her mother again. She won't let that happen. It doesn't matter to her if she has to face a horde of gods, she will not give her mother up, never again.

Her mother smiles at her words and caresses her face, the same way she did when she was a kid, which is fitting because she feels very much like a kid who clings to her mother's skirts and it's unable to let go.

"I will never leave you again mija, and that is the choice I'm making for myself."

Seconds ago, she didn't know how to feel or even if she should touch her mother, but all of that goes out the window after Rose's affirmation. Because it's impossible to hear her mother reassure her she's not going to leave her again and not feel a rush of happiness and excitement but also relief, because she simply refuses to let go of her mom. That's why she leaps forward and gives her the tightest hug she's capable of giving.

Her mother is not going anywhere and even if she doesn't know what's going to happen next, she knows she'll have her mother by her side.

Julie told herself it would be impossible to cram thirteen years of moments in a single afternoon, but she finds herself making dinner with her mom while doing exactly that: exchanging stories of their time apart.

She cannot help it, even if everything is confusing right now, she's still a girl who has longed for her mom almost every day since she was ten. She's going to let herself enjoy being with Rose and simply taking one day at a time. She owes that to herself.

But all that comes crashing down when, after they eat dinner together, her mother asks a question seemingly out of nowhere.

"What's your relationship with Luke?" They are washing the dishes and as soon as Julie hears the question she becomes suspicious. Her mother is trying to come off as if it's just another question she's asking about her daughter's life, but during the day, Julie has seen her mother ask and explain some hard truths and in none of those scenarios she heard her like this: faking. Rose is many things, but she's very bad at being discreet when something is not of her liking.

Despite knowing her mother is asking for a reason but not being sure what that reason is, she decides to answer honestly: "We dated for the past couple of months. He dumped me three weeks ago and I didn't see him until he re-introduced us. Why?"

Rose's answer doesn't come immediately, as she expected. Instead, there's silence in her home and the more it extends, the more agitated Julie starts to feel because she might not have an answer, but she knows there's something happening and it makes her feel nervous, as if there's something she doesn't know.

Turns out there's a whole fucking lot she doesn't know.

"You don't know who he really is, do you?" Her mother finally breaks the silence and Julie assumes it's a rhetorical question because what does her mother mean she doesn't know Luke?

"I mean, I know him as the guy for whom I fell head over heels and then suddenly broke my heart without an explanation. So yeah, I guess I didn't know him that well." She says, a little pissed about having to relieve that situation yet again.

"No, no I mean… You don't know what he really is." Rose clearly thinks that's explaining something, but the truth is Julie doesn't know what she's talking about, so she simply waits for her mother to provide some sort of explanation. "Julie, don't you wonder how a seemingly normal boy is capable of finding out the secret of my existence? It doesn't happen like that. a regular person would never be able to figure us out. The only way to do that is... Well, to be one of us."

By now Julie should've reached the quota of feeling surprised, but somehow this is something she really didn't see coming. Granted, she hadn't given a second thought to the fact that her ex-boyfriend was the one who found her dead mother was really alive, but she really didn't think he could be a god.

No, that does make sense. He's the most human person she's ever met.

"His name is not Luke or well, you might know him as Hades as well. He's the king of the Underworld and the god of death." Her mother lacks tact when dropping the news on her and not only that, but Julie can completely tell she's not very fond of Luke. "The reason he broke up with you is beyond me, but I'm pretty sure it's because of the rules we are subjected to. For once, I cannot say I'm mad at those rules, he's not good for you."

Julie knows she should be focusing on the news that her boyfriend is apparently an immortal being who rules the Underworld, because that's definitely the most important part of what her mother just told her, but she can't help it. She latches onto that last part and obviously gets mad at her mother's words.

"How dare you say he's not good for me? How could you even say that? If you were here, you could've seen how amazing he was to me. Yeah, he dumped me without an explanation and now I'm realizing he obviously wasn't completely honest, but you know what? He was supportive, respectful, sweet, and he treated me like no one had ever treated me. You didn't get to see that because… You weren't here mom." Julie feels her eyes are full of unshed tears not only because she has to tell her mother horrible (but truthful words) but also because she has to remember what she had with Luke.

"I wasn't, but I am now Julie, and he's not good for you."

"How can you say that about the person who literally brought you back to me?" She realizes the term 'person' might not apply to Luke but that's not the important thing to focus on right now.

"I am grateful he brought me back to you Julie, but that's it. I don't have to think he's good or that I like the idea of you loving him. He's death and you're not Julie, you're the opposite." Rose says and Julie shakes her head because this is not a topic she's willing to discuss today. They have already gone too far. Julie will not damage her relationship with her mother on the same day she's back, especially not over some boy. She's committed to her decision but then her mother asks her another question. "You still love him, right?"

She still loves him; isn't that the beginning and the end of everything?

Her mother doesn't even need her to verbally respond to her question, she can clearly read the answer in her face. It must be as clear as day that she's still a lovesick fool for Luke, because the way her mother is looking at her, as if there's no remedy to cure the illness that's tormenting her daughter.

Instead of forcing an answer out of Julie, Rose simply decides to hug her, clearly trying to offer some comfort that she desperately needs. But Julie cannot keep herself from crying in her mother's arms because this is what she wanted three weeks ago, she wanted to be comforted and held by her mom as she processed the fact that the man she loves had just dumped her. Granted, it is not exactly how she pictured it, but her mother is guiding her to the sofa and hugging her, caressing her and trying to comfort her, so she's not going to complain.

At one point in the night, she's no longer on the couch but on the floor and is not her mother comforting her, but instead it's Luke's body the one that's wrapped around her, making her feel even worse because now that she knows the truth she should not let him be around her, but she's tired and does not have the strength to fight back on something she actually wants, because the truth is she missed Luke and his touch, so she allows herself to bask in it for at least a minute.

Once he deposits her in bed and leaves is when she actually realizes what she's done: she's visiting the Underworld tomorrow. Shouldn't she be absolutely terrified?

She's about to find out.