A Time to Mourn
Author's Note: I have no idea why I wrote this, but I have no excuse. :) Except that I was getting irritated about some things.
And also, I wanted to cover how Obi-Wan would react to finding out about Anakin and Padme, because most of the fics I've read... just don't really seem that realistic? I mean do you really think he would be joking about something like that? With how much he seems to be determined to bully Anakin into a being a perfect Jedi. Yes he was already obviously very suspicious of it, but if the script of ROTS showed anything, he also was not happy about it.
Also, as a warning, some Anidala fans might not like this, but hey it's supposed to be trio-centric. =D
~ Tirana Sorki
PS. This is a gift for FarfetchedGrasshounds on ao3, and this is for the Disaster Trio May 4th Gift Exchange.
May the Fourth be with you all! :D
~ Amina Gila
"Padme!" Anakin cries desperately, panic and denial slamming into him in that moment as he sees her on the ground, too close to the epicenter of the explosion which just shook the ground to have avoided it. There's already so much blood everywhere, and he knows in that moment, that – No.
He'd had a choice, in that moment, only a heartbeat before everything fell apart. The Separatists weren't supposed to ambush when Padme was in the middle of bringing in supplies for a relief mission, but they did, and... in that moment, Anakin had to choose between saving her or protecting Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. The two of them would never have been able to see it coming, They would never have been able to stop the explosion from hitting them, killing them.
And in that moment of desperation, he'd known that he could only protect one group of them. Padme, or Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. The choice, at least in the heat of the moment, hadn't even been entirely conscious. It was a blinding moment of desperation, not something he even had the time to think about.
Obi-Wan is his father, his master, the man who raised him...
And Ahsoka is the child he's raising as his own; she's like his daughter even if he's only supposed to see her as a padawan, a student.
Even if it had only been Obi-Wan or Ahsoka, not both, there in that moment, he knows he would have chosen the same thing.
Padme means everything to him; he loves her more than he could ever say, but she isn't a part of him the way they are. He never thought of such things until that one horrifying moment when he knew – again – that he wouldn't be able to save everyone.
Anakin sprints forwards, heart pounding wildly as he drops next to Padme's side. No, no, no – This can't be happening. It can't be what happened. She can't be about to –
But one look at her condition, the amount of blood already everywhere, and Anakin knows that it's too late. He knows, because he's seen it on so many of his men throughout the war, and he can't delude himself into believing otherwise, no matter how much he wants to.
"Ani..." Padme chokes out, opening her eyes, staring up at him. His Angel, his – No, no, no.
He reaches down, pulling her into his arms, uncaring for how everyone is going to see this. It doesn't matter, because Padme is dying, and this is all his fault. He was supposed to protect her. She was his responsibility to protect. He failed her, just like he failed his mother.
"Padme," he whispers again, holding her close. It's too late, he knows it. Her breathing is already labored, her face disturbingly pale. "I'm so sorry, I –"
What can he even say? If he had to make the choice all over again in this moment, he knows he still would choose the same, because never in his life can he imagine sitting here holding Obi-Wan or Ahsoka's bodies in his arms instead – or both – but that doesn't change how he feels like he's been ripped in half in this moment, as a second one of his family members dies in his arms.
"It's – s'okay," she croaks out, "I... love... you..."
"I love you too, Angel," Anakin whispers shakily, unsure when it was that he started crying. He holds her closer, as she tries to lean upwards the slightest amount. He instantly moves down, closing the rest of the distance between them, their lips briefly brushing together.
He can feel it, her Force presence growing steadily weaker, their bond weakening. "Stay with me," he pleads, knowing all the while that it's useless. She isn't going to make it. He knows that.
She gives him one last final, warm smile before she goes motionless in his arms, and he feels their bond – even if it isn't that strong – ripping apart, leaving a gaping nothingness behind.
Padme's – dead. She's gone, just like that. Only minutes ago, everything was fine, and now – It's tearing him apart, the second time someone in his family died in the past couple years. The second time he wasn't fast enough to save them. It didn't have to be like this, but now you've ruined everything.
He doesn't know how long it's been, before he finally senses as much as hears the people behind him. Or maybe they were here this whole time, he's not sure. Anakin slowly lifts his head, to see a number of the clones standing around. Obi-Wan is there a short distance away too, looking... His expression is actually pretty much blank, which is never a good sign, and it makes Anakin wonder how long he's been watching them. Not that he has the energy to care right now, anyway.
Ahsoka is there too, a look of horror and grief on her own face as she stares at them. "No..." she whispers, shakily stumbling forwards, moving to Anakin's side and kneeling next to them. "No."
He doesn't know what to say. There's nothing to say in this moment, anyway. Slowly, he climbs to his feet, carrying the body into the building.
Ahsoka trails along at his side, seemingly shocked completely into silence. Obi-Wan doesn't say anything either, at least not for a few long moments, for which Anakin is grateful. He can't deal with having a conversation of any kind right now. He still can't accept this, that Padme is really dead.
"I'm sorry, Skyugy," Ahsoka whispers, finally, looking up at him. Her eyes are shining, an obvious sheen of tears covering them even if she's hiding it. The Togruta steps forwards, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. He instantly pulls her close, ignoring that now they're getting blood all over her too.
For the briefest moment, he tries to imagine making any other choice in that moment, and no, he knows he never could have.
"We need to finish dealing with those droids," Obi-Wan says finally, "And then we can finish up the relief mission."
Anakin nods, slowly. He's right, really. He doesn't have time to get lost in grief right now – just like he didn't after his mother died. The longer he stays in here, the longer he's risking more of the boys getting killed. He and Ahsoka pull apart, withdrawing their lightsabers as they run back outside, into the fray. Most of the droids have already been destroyed, but it goes faster now that they've rejoined the fight, swiftly cutting through what's left of the droids.
It feels almost like a repetition of what happened on Tatooine, except these are droids, instead of Tusken Raiders. Padme died because of them. Because of the Separatists, deciding to attack the planet. They aren't going to gain anything from what they did, Anakin will make sure of it. He'll do whatever he has to do, win the war, whatever it takes. He won't let what happened to Padme be for nothing. He'll stop the Separatists, just for her.
By the time the last of the droids, collapses to pieces on the ground, he's starting to feel numb more than anything. He can feel both Obi-Wan and Ahsoka's eyes on him he stands there, surveying the scene, but he pointedly avoids their gazes. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't want to talk anyway, even if he knows he won't be able to avoid itfor long.
And they need to focus on finishing up the relief mission on the planet.
In the end, there's always another mission.
**w**
"You should get yourself cleaned up," Anakin declares, almost in a monotone as they arrive back at the cruiser. Things are mostly under control here again, and their mission is over. It seems that droid attack was one of the last spots of resistance still on the planet, at least for now.
"You're the one who needs to get cleaned up," Ahsoka says flatly, looking up at him.
"I need to make sure the boys are okay." He sounds about as dead he feels, but it doesn't matter. He still has to know how the others are doing, before he can take a moment to try and think. He doesn't even want to think. He isn't ready for the full implications of what happened to hit him, yet.
Padme's body is right here on the cruiser; they're taking it back to Coruscant with them.
"I know you're the one who really isn't okay right now," Ahsoka retorts, taking a step closer to him, reaching down, taking his flesh hand in hers. The same fierce, loyal protectiveness and if not for the situation, it could almost make him smile. Things between them have changed a lot since the when she was kidnapped by the Trandoshans, not long ago. "I didn't realize you two were so close," she adds quietly, voice pained.
"I don't want to talk about this right now," Anakin replies, because he can't. Not right now. Not when everything is so fresh, only hours ago.
There's a part of him that still wants to deny it, pretend it never happened, but that will change nothing.
"Okay," she murmurs, darting forwards and wrapping him a brief hug again, which he instantly returns. She's hurting too, he knows. Padme was her friend, her best friend outside of the Order, really. He should have been able to save all of them, but he wasn't strong enough. Again.
She pulls away after a moment, scampering away to do as he instructed, and he goes in search of Rex.
He can feel the clones'... concern and sympathy the moment he makes it onto the bridge in search of the captain, and inquiries on how everyone is doing.
"We don't have too many injured, and casualties were minimal," Rex reports.
Anakin nods. "That's good."
They'll have to give an update to the Council, but that can probably wait until he gets back to Coruscant. Hopefully.
And speaking of the Council... another icy flare of fear claws at him. Obi-Wan saw enough, he knows. Enough to know that Anakin broke the Code. And that means... No, he really doesn't want to deal with any Council report right now. At least a few hours, and maybe he'll be able to try thinking about it straight. He can't deal with – with being thrown out of the Order only hours after losing any hope of a life outside of the Order in the first place.
Palpatine would offer him something, he knows, but that hardly helps right now.
He can feel it, Rex's worried eyes on him again. "Are you alright, sir?" Rex queries, quietly enough that no one else will here.
Anakin doesn't bother to deny it. This is Rex, anyway. He won't judge him for his emotions the way the Jedi will, even if he still has an example to put on for the boys. It's... different. "I never expected something like this to happen. I – didn't want her to come here personally because I was afraid something would go wrong," he confesses, staring past him, at the star covered space beyond.
"I didn't know you two were..." Rex trails off, uncertainly.
"Married," Anakin finishes, the word nearly catching in his throat. They married not even two years ago. The only ever had one anniversary together, and now they never will again. They're... Padme is dead, and it's all because of him.
"Married?" Rex repeats in surprise, "if I may ask, sir, isn't that forbidden for a Jedi?"
"Yes, it is," Anakin admits. Not that it even makes a difference anymore, because she's dead. Although, the Council will still be very upset. Rex won't tell anyone, though. "But... we still did it. It was before the war."
"I don't know what to say, sir," Rex admits, "I've lost brothers all the time, but... I don't know what any other family member is like."
"Siblings can mean just as much. More, even. Both are family." Everything hurts, and he doesn't know how it will ever stop. He failed his wife, one of two people he was supposed to take care of no matter what.
Rex nods in understanding, and silence falls over them for a few moments.
"If Obi-Wan or Ahsoka come looking for me, tell them I'll be in my quarters. Unless you need me to handle something up here?" He needs to change his robes, even if he doesn't have the energy to think about it. It might make it easier, though, to not be covered in her blood like this.
"No, it's fine, sir. I'll tell them," the captain assures.
Anakin gives him a grateful half smile before slipping off the bridge, heading for his quarters.
**w**
Somehow it seems as soon as he's alone, the full weight of everything is crashing down on him. He sinks onto his bunk, as soon as he's in a more decent pair of robes.
She's dead because of him, because he wasn't fast enough to save everyone. He should have been, but he failed. As always.
And now he's going to be thrown out of the Order too, because the Council will know that he broke the Code, and...
The door abruptly slides open, Obi-Wan appearing in the doorway. Anakin looks up the briefest moment to see him standing in the doorway, expression oddly unreadable before he hastily looks away again to hide the tears threatening to fall. She's dead. He failed her, and – There's a heartbeat of silence and no one speaks. Anakin doesn't know if Obi-Wan is expecting him to say something first but he's not in the mood of talking at all right now. He probably couldn't get a coherent word out if he even tried anyway.
"I spoke to the Council about what happened," Obi-Wan says finally, stepping inside, and letting the door close behind him.
Anakin draws in a shaky breath, trying to keep his voice steady. "I imagine they want to talk to me." Exactly what he can't deal with right now. He already failed Padme, he isn't ready to face the condemnation from his master and the Council, and then be thrown out and left with nothing.
Obi-Wan is silent for a moment. "I didn't tell them."
Wait – His head snaps up. "What?"
"It's in the past now."
Right. The past. It sends another wave of pain stabbing thorough him because everything about that is nothing but the past now, and – He tries to blink away the tears that threaten to spill again. He should say something maybe, but he doesn't know what. Why would Obi-Wan not have told the Council? He always thought – it doesn't make sense and he's too worn out and close to shattering to even begin thinking about it.
"We are going to be talking about this, however," Obi-Wan replies, and Anakin looks away. Of course. "But I don't believe now is the time for that."
He can hear the disappointment in the words even if it's muted, and it hurts. (Because apparently, things can still hurt worse than he already feels.)
"'M sorry," he mutters, staring fixedly at the floor. For what, he's hardly sure. Letting him down again?
"I don't believe you are," he replies, and there's a distinctly icy note there. He's definitely angry, and Anakin can't quite hide his flinch. "But as I said, we can talk about this later."
Anakin nods, staring down at the floor. First his mother, and now this. Why can't he save anyone? Well, he saved Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and no matter what he'll never regret that, but –
Obi-Wan crosses the room, settling onto the bed next to him. After a moment, he reaches over, resting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. It's what he needs more than anything right now, the only thing that's keeping him from breaking down completely, and he twists around almost instinctively, wrapping his arms tightly around him.
Obi-Wan shifts, wrapping an arm around him, running a soothing hand down his back. "I knew you two were close, but I didn't realize how much," he comments, finally.
"We were married," Anakin blurts, hardly even sure why he's telling him that now. The tears stubbornly burning his eyes finally give way, spilling down his cheeks.
Obi-Wan stills. "Married?"
He nods shakily, burying his head against his former master's robe. And now she's dead. It hurts so much, and –
"Only you would do this in the middle of a war." There's a note of amusement there now.
He doesn't have the energy to reply, so he stays quiet, letting the tears fall.
**w**
Anakin does everything in his power not to look at the Senate building as he flies down in the gunship, back for the Temple. It feels like half of the life he's lived the past few years since the war started is over, and maybe that's because it's the truth. Another wave of pain washes through him, and for a moment, he can't help but glance up at the Senate building.
He always looked forward to coming back to Coruscant, so he could be with Padme, but now he never will be again. He won't have her to call on the battlefields again. When he goes to the Senate again, like to see Palpatine, it will be knowing that he'll never ever see her again.
(All because of his failure. He should have been able to protect everyone, but he failed. As always.)
But like when he was thrown into the war right after his mother died, nothing is going to stop and wait for him now, either. He has to keep moving, just as he always does. Somehow. He can't shake the image of his Angel from his mind, as she lay dying in his arms, covered in blood.
"You have classes to attend to," Anakin says, finally, looking down at Ahsoka as they walk through the Temple halls.
"I do," she admits, looking none too happy. "I'll come to your room as soon as I can, if that's where you'll be."
He nods. "But focus on your work. Don't... rush it."
"Of course," she assures. "I'll bring my homework over shortly. There's some nightmares I want your help with if you don't mind, anyway."
He smiles faintly at that. "Alright. Anything you need, Snips."
Ahsoka nods, then takes off down the hall.
Anakin heads to his room, another wave of pain washing through him. He misses Padme so much already, and he'll never see her again. His room is... full of the same mechanical madness that it was when he left, and he immediately loses himself in it, for at least a moment letting his mind to drift to something other than what happened.
Pretending as though he can fix anything.
"There's some things no one can fix."
More and more it seems like there's nothing he can ever fix; he just breaks everything.
He has no idea how long it's been when the door slides open and Ahsoka comes in, tossing some food onto the table. In front of him and settling across form him with some of her homework. "I brough you some stuff," she chirps, "Assuming you want to eat. You know, some real food."
The very thought of eating makes his stomach turn, but... "I'll have some later," he assures her, moving to take a seat next to her, "So... you were mentioning homework 'nightmares' that you needed help with?"
He can't imagine how much use he'll be, but he can't neglect his padawan – and fail her too, even in a different way –because of what happened. Besides, it will give him something to focus on.
"I miss her too," Ahsoka speaks up, quietly after some minutes of working.
"I know. I – I should've been able to save her."
"You couldn't have helped it," Ahsoka argues, "You know that."
Maybe. It was a last moment's desperation, and he knows there was only one choice he could've made. It still feels like he should've done something differently, though. Something to save all of them.
Silence falls between them, and he tries to turn his focus back to helping Ahsoka.
It's sometime later that the door opens, and Obi-Wan steps into the room. "I thought you would be here," he comments. Hopefully not to have that talk he was promising. Anakin is not looking forward to it.
"Did you... want something?" Anakin asks.
"I thought you might want to know that... the Senator Amidala is –" Anakin nearly finches at the words. "– being sent back to Naboo. The funeral is supposed to be in two days."
"Yes, I did want to know," he answers, numbly.
"You're on leave, by the way."
What? "When did that happen?"
"I spoke to Master Yoda about the situation," Obi-Wan explains.
"You told him...?" He trails off.
"He agreed it best you be given leave because of... the circumstances, but he wants to talk to you."
Right. Anakin could have expected as much, and he's looking forwards to this even less, but he's at least grateful Obi-Wan is saving whatever he has in mind to say for later.
"Well, I shouldn't keep him waiting," Anakin sighs, standing. If he's on leave, then... that mean he'll be able to go to Naboo for her funeral. He was hoping he'd be able to, but he hadn't figured out howyet. At least now he has a way to go, so he supposes he can only be grateful that Obi-Wan managed to get him leave time without explaining to the entire Council what happened. "Thanks for... getting me leave time."
"I thought you needed it," he replies, and Anakin nods before slipping out the door.
**w**
"You wanted to speak with me, Master?" Anakin asks, stepping into Yoda's quarters, and moving to take a seat across from him.
"Mm, yes," Yoda agrees, tapping his stick on the floor. Anakin braces himself for whatever is to come. The whole Council might not know yet, but he doesn't know if it's going to stay that way. "Heard about what happened, I did," the Grandmaster continues, as though that much wasn't already obvious. "Unbalanced, you are."
Obviously, he is. How could he not be? "I know, Master," he answers, carefully. What else is he supposed to say?
"A strong attachment to her, you had," he observes, and Anakin only dips his head in acknowledgement, remaining silent.
"Know you do, that not the Jedi way, this is." He sounds... a little disapproving, though it's often hard to tell what Yoda's tone is supposed to mean.
What should he even say? He broke the Code, and... what can he say to the literal Grandmaster of the Order about that? Especially when this was completely his choice. "I did, Master," he admits, finally, "I thought... that it wouldn't interfere with my duties." He doesn't have the energy to deal with this right now, not that he could even tell Yoda so.
"No, perhaps interfere with your duties it did not, but always be wary of this, a Jedi must be. Far too easy, it is which is why we forbid this. Know this, you do."
He's pretty sure this defines as a roundabout Yoda scolding, but it's actually going better than he was expecting. At least right now.
"Came to us late you did, so difficult it is for you, but to be a Jedi, master this you must." He isn't being thrown out of the Order? That's... not exactly what he was expecting.
"I know, Master," Anakin murmurs.
"On leave, you are," Yoda declares, "Meditate on this, you should and find balance you must."
**w**
The funeral is nothing like his mother's. Instead of a small quiet group of people, there's probably hundreds at least here. He spots all of Padme's former handmaids in the crowd, even the ones whom he hasn't seen since he first met Padme in the first place. Somehow, that only seems to be rubbing salt into the wounds. They're all here, everyone on the planet seems to be mourning – and all because he failed to save her. Ahsoka is here with them too, and he can feel her muted pain in the Force, though she remains silent.
Obi-Wan didn't come. He was busy, and Anakin didn't really expect him too, anyway.
As his eyes move through the crowd, Anakin briefly spots Padme's parents, along with Sola and her two children.
His gaze finally drifts back to the coffin. Padme is lying there completely still. In her hands, he sees the japor snippet, the one he'd given to her all those years ago.
Another wave of grief crashes through him as he watches. This isn't something he'll be able to let go of for a very long time. They were supposed to be together and happy, maybe even an actual family once the war was over, but now all of those plans mean nothing.
It takes a long time before the ceremony is finished. Once it's over, Anakin makes his way over to where Sabe is standing near a couple of the other handmaids, close to the fresh grave.
She isn't crying, but then again, he thinks maybe her pain runs too deep for that. "Anakin?" she asks, in slight surprise, looking up, "I should have expected you would be here."
"I had to come," Anakin answers simply.
Sabe nods, gaze turning back to the grave for several long moments. "When I left her, I never thought this would happen." There's a slight tremor in her voice now.
"Even if one of you was with her... She – she was caught in an explosion, and I... wasn't able to save her." She ought to know the full story, but he can't talk about it right now.
"I suppose these things tend to happen in the middle of a war," Sabe replies, looking away. He doesn't know if she blames him, but... he'd deserve it if she did.
Silence falls over them for a few long moments, and Ahsoka moves a little closer, hovering at his side.
"I was thinking, you could take Threepio," Dorme says, approaching him. Right. Threepio. Anakin hadn't even thought about the fate of the droid. "He was yours, your gift to Padme. You should have him back."
He nods slowly, past the lump suddenly in his throat again. Being on Naboo at all hurts. It's the place where he first met Padme, and... the entire place everything he sees reminds him of her. He still can't believe that he's never going to see her again.
**w**
By the time Anakin and Ahsoka do get back to Coruscant, Palpatine asks to talk to him. Which... he wants to do because it's been a while since he was able to talk to the Chancellor. He misses being around him, but it also means having to go to the Senate building. So no, he is really not looking forward to it.
It's all too fresh. It's only been several days, even if it almost feels like a lifetime ago that he had Padme at his side, and everything was normal. So much has changed. The gaping wound inside of him isn't anywhere close to being filled, and it feels like – like he's hardly sure how to keep moving, as though nothing happened.
It's not that it wasn't this hard with his mother – in fact, it probably hurt even worse though it's not like things like this can even be compared – but he was so used to living without her by that point. This is... Every time he was on Coruscant he always looked forward to the time he'd be able to spend with Padme – the time he'd be able to spend with the one person who he could openly call his family. But now... the only ones left are Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, and Rex, and the rest of his boys. And the Chancellor. It's still not quite the same, though, and he knows it never will be, because he can't openly call any of them his family and that won't change.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Ahsoka queries, appearing at his side. What? Was his hesitation that obvious?
"No," Anakin assures, "I know you don't want to go back to the Senate building any more than I do." It's not like she ever comes into meetings with Palpatine either, so having her there would be pointless. And he wouldn't put her through that, just because it made him feel better.
"I don't," Ahsoka agrees, eyes dropping to the floor, "But..."
"Don't worry, I'll be fine," he promises her. Why is she even worrying about him so much? That's not her role. It's touching to see how much she cares, though, even if he doesn't want her to be worrying about him like this. "Why don't you have Threepio help you with schoolwork while I'm gone?"
"Threepio?!" Ahsoka asks, incredulously.
"Jedi homework? I am not sure I am qualified for that, Master Anakin," Threepio frets.
Ahsoka snickers. "No, that's okay, Threepio."
Anakin cracks a smile, maybe the first he's truly felt, in a while. "I'll be back soon," he replies, before slipping out the door.
It's strange, having Threepio staying in his Temple apartment. The droid feels like the last connection he has to both Padme and his mother.
He struggles to withhold his wave of emotions as he makes his way through the Senate halls. He's never liked the building much, and now he knows he'll do his best to avoid it as much as possible, except to occasionally see the Chancellor.
"It's good to see you, my boy," Palpatine greets him immediately as he steps into the room, though his expression is unusually grave as Anakin makes his way over to him. "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to Senator Amidala."
Anakin looks away, another wave of pain running through him. "I never thought – that this would happen."
"It was a terrible tragedy and unexpected to me as well," Palpatine says sympathetically, resting a hand on his shoulder, "She always took far too many risks."
"She did," Anakin agrees numbly, "But – I should have been able to protect her. I wasn't fast enough. I ..." He hasn't been able to bring himself to tell anyone about the details of what happened, but he could tell Palpatine, if no one else.
"I know you do your best, my boy," the Chancellor assures, "Senator Amidala's unwise decision to go there in person was her own choice, not yours. She never did appreciate how much you worried for her."
It's the truth, he knows, but he doesn't want to think things like that about her now. Not when she's gone. Forever. "I was supposed to protect her," Anakin repeats, "And I... didn't."
"If you were not able to protect her, no one else would have been. You are the strongest, most gifted Jedi I have ever met. I have told you this many times. You are growing more powerful all the time. Perhaps someday you will be strong enough to stop something like this from happening ever again."
"I want to be," Anakin says, furiously blinking away the tears suddenly stinging his eyes, "I promised Padme after my mother died, that I'd be strong enough to stop death, but I –" Couldn't even save her, despite everything.
"This isn't something you can learn so long as the Jedi hold you back," Palpatine tells him.
"I don't know what I need to do," Anakin says, helplessly.
"You must learn to trust your instincts above that of the Council. Then you will be invincible."
He wishes he could even feel as powerful and useful as the Chancellor is acting, because he doesn't think he's ever felt this worthless and incompetent. Except when he failed to save his mother and then accidentally started a galactic war while trying to save Obi-Wan. The words make him feel a little better, though, that maybe someday things won't always be like this. Though what that means, he doesn't know.
"I had to choose," he explains, shakily, after a few moments of silence, "I – if I saved her, the explosion would have hit Obi-Wan and Ahsoka instead, and I – I didn't – couldn't save all of them."
Palpatine only nods in understanding. "You had to make a choice, Anakin, and you only chose to do what you thought was best."
He leaves the conversation with Palpatine feeling at least somewhat better, and since Ahsoka is busy with her classes again, he decides to drop by his main cruiser to check on the boys. Since he's on leave, they're on leave too, and Force knows how much they need it.
**w**
It's been several weeks now since everything happened, nowhere near long enough to begin letting go of it. It still hurts all the time, constantly, an ache that never really fades. It took well over a year for his mother, even if then it was... almost easier because he'd already been without her for so long. Padme, he was never around very often, but at the same time, it was one of the things he always had to look forward to, throughout the war and when on Coruscant.
Now, he wants to be out there fighting again, because sitting here at the Temple leaves him with little else to think about, even if Ahsoka is making good use of the time with her schoolwork. He's tinkering with some of the machines in his room, with the very unneeded not-help from Threepio when Obi-Wan comes in. "Are you planning to keep him with you?" he asks, eyeing the protocol droid.
"For now, yes," Anakin replies, giving him an odd like, "Why?"
"I do hope you aren't intending to bring him out to the front lines with you," he quips.
"That is certainly not his area of expertise. But I don't think you came all the way here to ask me that."
"No, I didn't," Obi-Wan agrees, "How... are you?"
Anakin blinks. "I'm... fine, Master."
"Are you? You've been unusually absent."
"Isn't that what leave time is meant for?" He knows what Obi-Wan means, though. He's doing his best to keep up with everything he still has to do, and it's admittedly easier than it was at the beginning of the war, right after his mother's death and when Ahsoka was promptly dumped on him, but still.
"Yes, but you have been in your room an unusual amount. I came to see how you're doing."
He doesn't really know what to say to that. "I will be fine," he replies, after a moment, "It just... isn't easy."
"No, I imagine not." Obi-Wan is silent for a few moments. "I know you two were... close." Anakin doesn't miss the obvious note of disapproval there, at the end. Is that what this is really about?
"Whatever you have to say about it, Master, just say it."
"If you're ready to talk about this," he agrees. No, and he never will be.
"I know I have... disappointed you," Anakin begins, finally.
"That's one word for it."
It stingseven if he already knew that. That's why he's been dreading this conversation. He doesn't know where it's going to go either, but he looks away, unable to meet his eyes.
"You broke the Code," Obi-Wan continues, "In one of the worst ways you could, even after I remember distinctly mentioning something to you about your relationship with her right after Geonosis. You knew it was against everything the Jedi believe in, but you did it anyway."
He silently inspects the carpet for a few moments. "I should apologize," he says, finally, "I knew you would be disappointed, but I..."
"But what?"
But it hadn't mattered at the time, because there was nothing he wanted more in that moment, and in the end, it seemed as though Obi-Wan would never be proud of him anyway no matter what he did. And having families (or trying to, at least) is natural and normal on Tatooine. He didn't – and still doesn't – understand how none of that can be important to any of the Jedi, even if he understands very well why they're so against attachments.
"I know I'll will never be the kind of Jedi you want me to be." It's the flat-out truth, and he's too tired to keep pretending otherwise right now.
"Anakin –"
He hates that tone. It only ever serves to remind of how small and inadequate he is and always will be, but in the end, he is the one who chose to break the Code. Not that he'll ever regret it or the time he got to spend with Padme.
Maybe they should've waited to have this conversation after all.
He draws in a shaky breath, in an attempt to control his raging emotions. "I'm sorry," he mutters, because he is, but not for marrying Padme. Only for disappointing Obi-Wan – which seems to be an inevitable fact of his existence, "I know I failed you, failed as a Jedi."
"You have problems controlling yourself and your attachments," Obi-Wan says, bluntly, "But I would not say that means you're incapable of becoming a great Jedi."
Anakin blinks. "I – what?" That makes literally no sense. All he's ever done is fail at being one, or at least that's what everyone always tells him.
"You have the ability to be," he continues, "I know you can do better than you have."
Can he? He isn't sure if that's intended as praise or an accusation. "I don't know how to."
"Try listening for once," Obi-Wan responds dryly.
As if he doesn't always?! As much as he can. "I do listen to you, Master."
"Really. I believe some of your more recent actions imply otherwise."
Tears abruptly sting his eyes again, and he furiously blinks them away. There's more he could say, but it's not as if Obi-Wan is going to listen to him anyway.
His former master eyes him. "I know this is... hard for you," he says, after a moment, "You can talk to me, you know."
How can he? How could he talk to him about how much he misses Padme or anything about her, when he already knows how much Obi-Wan disapproves of their relationship in the first place? "What's to talk about? She's – gone." He really wants to cry again, and he draws in a shaky breath to try and get a grip on his emotions.
"Not much, I suppose," Obi-Wan replies, though he's still watching him like... he's expecting something maybe. Anakin isn't sure.
But he does suddenly remember something else. Another possession that he's been thinking about what do with.
When Obi-Wan doesn't say anything else, Anakin stands up, moving over to the drawer where he's keeping it. "I should give this to you." He reaches inside, lifting his padawan braid out, staring at it for a long moment. He'd given it to Padme, right after he'd been Knighted, but now... He crosses the room, feeling increasingly uncomfortable as he holds it out to his former master.
A look of surprise crosses his face, and he reaches up to take it, his expression softening the slightest bit. "I did wonder what you did with it," he remarks.
"I gave it to her," he admits, though that much was likely already obvious.
"So I assumed," Obi-Wan says, looking down at it for a moment, before continuing, "I would have preferred to find out about... all of this differently. I would've liked to have a word with Senator Amidala."
Anakin suppresses the stab of pain at the mention of her name. "Why?"
"She married you when you were nineteen."
"... And?"
"You were still a padawan."
So? What has that got to do with anything? What's wrong with that?
"You were too young for that."
What? "People younger than that marry on Tatooine," Anakin defends.
"Normal behavior on Tatooine isn't necessarily normal elsewhere – Jedi aspect of this aside. And she was five years older than you."
... Is he being protective? Or has Anakin lost all shreds of his sanity?
Obi-Wan finally stands, slipping the padawan braid into a pocket. "With that taken care of..." He pauses, glancing around the room. "Have you eaten yet?"
"Not yet," Anakin admits. He was busy and sometimes it's easier not to, when he's this depressed and exhausted. He's feeling better now, though. At least a little.
"Why don't you come with me?" he offers, "If you stay here alone, I imagine you'll be too distracted with your... mess –"
"I just finished straightening it out," Anakin protests.
"Yes, it very much looks like it."
"I doubt your room looks much better."
"My room is perfectly organized," Obi-Wan retorts.
"Yes, an organized mess, just like mine," Anakin shoots back, smirking for a moment.
"We're off topic," his former master insists, "As I was saying, I imagine you'll be too distracted here to remember to eat,"
"If you just want company, you can say so," Anakin quips, standing. Not as if he minds the offer.
He's always going to miss Padme and his mother, and wish they were still here with him, but he still has Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, and he knows he'll never regret the choice he made to save them instead. At least he still has them, and of course, Rex and the boys.
This seem almost impossible now, but maybe he has the tiniest thread of hope that someday things will be... better.
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