All too soon it was time for Johanna to report to Elder Maxson's quarters.
The salvaged processors were carefully stowed in her bookbag, and she still had two hours until dinner.
A part of her wanted to hide in her bunk with a stack of technical documents, but she was determined not to prove herself a coward. She was the cause of this mess and she would have to face it head on.
The first thing to do was explain to Arthur exactly what happened with Murdoch, and then she supposed she had to make it up as she went, for there was no telling how he would react.
She could only hope that he would be willing to hear her out.
What if he was so mad that he refused to see her? What would she do then?
Arthur had been her first kiss and that was something special. He was something special. He might appear cold on the outside, but she had glimpsed the man underneath and she had liked what she saw. Despite his flaws, she knew he was a good man and felt strongly enough about him to know how she wanted the situation to resolve.
She hoped he would reserve his judgement until he heard her side of the story. Perhaps then he would appreciate her predicament, for it was his decision to keep their relationship private. Maybe he would he would at least appreciate her discretion.
Jo wiped her sweaty palms on the pants of her orange jumpsuit and made a fist. It took several more moments to find the courage to knock on the Elder's door.
When he opened the heavy steel door, Johanna knew she was in trouble.
His mouth was set in a harsh line, eyes cold, and stance rigid.
He knew.
"Something I can help you with Polowski?"
"I have the processors for your terminal, sir." Her voice was barely more than a whisper and it shook.
He stepped to the side and ushered her in.
With a loud gulp, Johanna entered the room and the door closed behind her with the deafening screech of metal on metal.
She and Arthur stared at each other for a long time before she broke the silence.
"I'm sorry," she said, far louder than needed as he was only a foot away from her.
His expression didn't change.
"You don't have to apologize to me, Polowski."
"I can tell you're angry," she told him, eyeing the creases in his forehead. In fact, she had never seen him so angry.
"Why would I be angry?" His voice was still calm, which gave her the courage to go on.
"I betrayed you," she admitted, finding it hard to hold his gaze. "But you already knew that, didn't you?"
"Word travels fast on a ship this size," he answered, yet offered nothing else.
"I'm sorry, Arthur."
He moved so suddenly that Jo didn't even have time to startle. His hands were wrapped around her wrists, squeezing tightly, his face inches from hers.
It was the first time she had seen Arthur lose control and she hoped it would be the last. The cold fury in his eyes sent a chill down her spine and she knew his grip on her arms would bruise.
She gasped from the pain, but he didn't appear to hear her.
"You're sorry?" He mimicked, glaring at her rather intensely. "You think sorry can fix this?"
"I-I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear." She stammered. So far this was going the complete opposite of way that she had hoped for. Everything she said seemed to make Arthur even more angry.
"You should have told me before. I don't like suprises Johanna."
"This is the first chance I've had to speak with you-"
"You couldn't have found the time to mention you had feelings for another man? Maybe when you lied and told me I was the only one?"
"You are the only one!" She exclaimed, suddenly understanding his fury.
"Bullshit!" He roared, the sound echoing off the wallls and assulting her ear drums.
Arthur released her and began pacing the room.
"I should have seen it sooner," he muttered.
"Won't you let me explain?" She asked timidly.
"You should leave," Arthur said, without facing her. "I'll have Proctor Ingram repair my terminal. Your services are no longer required."
"You're not being fair," she whispered, scared to invoke his temper again.
"What right do you have to speak about what's fair? Get out."
Johanna was rooted to the spot for a long moment, hoping against all odds that there was a solution to this mess.
He still would not turn to face her.
Bowing her head, Johanna left his room with tears in her eyes.
It was clear that he had made up his mind already, no matter what she said. And maybe it was also true that he had cared about her a good deal more than she had thought.
Guilt hit her in the gut, hard and fast.
Johanna wanted to vomit.
Her stomach was lurching and she suddenly feared she was going to lose her lunch all over the deck.
In a split second decision, Jo turned and went outside instinctively, craving the cold air to calm her nerves.
The wind hit her like a brick wall, but the girl was thankful for every cool breath she managed to inhale, for it meant she was just a little closer to recovering from her sudden bout of nausea.
Harder to stop were the tears streaming down her face. They came, unbidden and unwanted, showing no sign of stopping even after several deep breaths.
Her solitude was interrupted by the whirring of helicopter blades and heavy machinery. Usually she found solace on the flight deck, but there was a vertibird arriving from the airport, dropping off a squad.
Her squad. She would have recognized that bright red hair from a mile away.
Jo turned to flee back inside, but they spotted her before she could make an escape.
"Polowski! Hey, Polowski!"
It was Murdoch of course, jogging to catch up with her, while Vargas and the Warren brothers were just stepping onto the platform.
His face became serious in an instant as he looked at her tear streaked face. When he reached out to her, Johanna didn't hesitate. She threw herself into his arms and began sobbing anew, heedless as to who was watching.
"It's alright," he said softly, stroking her back. She was glad he wasn't asking her what the problem was. She couldn't have told him even if she wanted to.
All she knew at that moment was that her heart felt like it was breaking and she would have given anything to know the cure.