Johanna laid awake in bed for hours that night, hand over her rapidly beating heart.

She was too wound up to sleep. Too on edge.

Jo liked to think she was a master at compartmentalizing her thoughts, she had practiced it for so long in the vault, but tonight that gift seemed to fail her.

Her mind was a jumbled mess, which left a dull ache behind her eyelids. Never did she think she would be caught up in such a situation.

Staring up at the bunk above, Johanna pressed her fingers to her lips absently.

What a mess.

She should have realized that getting close to Murdoch would be dangerous. He had never been shy about his feelings for her, even when he had hated her.

Why had she never discouraged him when he had started to show interest? Now she had to live with the memory of his lips on hers, the knowledge that she had felt something between them. Now she couldn't tell Arthur that she didn't care for another.

Jo wished there was an easy solution to her confusion. But as far as she could tell, she now had feelings for two very different men.

On one hand, Arthur had showed her passion and what it felt like to be needed. He had always kissed her as if it were their last moments together and his touch ignited her.

Then Murdoch had shown her tenderness, and what it felt like to be cared for. He was sweet to her, and every kiss was like the very first one.

There was no doubt about it, Jo had feelings for them both. With that knowledge came the crushing weight of guilt.

Perhaps Arthur had been right to dismiss her so quickly.

Scowling, Johanna sat up and threw her legs over the side of her bed. The scribe in the bunk next to her was roused slightly from the noise and Jo made more of an effort to be quiet as she laced her boots.

Her destination was automatic, her feet only pausing outside the door to Arthur's quarters for a moment. With a wistful glance at the door, she continued on her way to the ship's exit.

The airport would have been a better place to blow off steam, but the vertibirds didn't fly at night. Instead, she sat herself down at the end of the deck, chest tightening as she remembered the night she had met Arthur in this exact spot and all the nights she had waited for him here.

She hadn't so much as glimpsed him since he kicked her out of his room and that was going on three days ago. She was slowly coming to the realization that chances of a reconciliation were slim.

And how could she blame him?

Her heart rate spiked as a new sound filled the silent night, the metal on metal screech of one of the doors opening.

Turning her head only slightly, she could clearly see the lone figure in the moonlight. It was not who she expected, and her heart sank.

It was unmistakably Nora, wearing her blue vault suit, but with a thick jacket over it. She didn't see Jo at first, attention on the ancient lighter she was trying to get to spark up a cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked," Jo blurted out, startling the other woman.

Her eyes found Johanna's after a moment and she smiled.

"Johanna. It's good to see you again. Don't suppose you have a light?"

Jo shook her head and Nora sighed, continuing to flick the old zippo.

Finally, she managed to produce a small flame and the tip of her cigarette glowed brightly in the surrounding darkness.

Nora exhaled a thick cloud of smoke, a look of satisfaction on her face.

She didn't move any closer, but she did eye Johanna curiously, perhaps wondering why the young scribe was out of bed at this time of night.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Me either," Nora's smile slipped a little, her eyes becoming unfocused. Johanna wasn't surprised by Nora's insomnia. The woman obviously had some demons, probably the least of which was her recent involvement with Danse's near execution.

They lapsed into silence then and Johanna chewed on her lip, trying so hard to keep her mouth shut. It proved impossible.

"I know what you did," Jo said, the words just tumbling out. "I think you are really brave."

"What do you mean, Johanna?"

"Danse," she whispered, though she knew no one was around to hear. "You saved his life."

The look of shock on her face was not hard to read, no matter how fleeting it was. Nora glanced around, as if to confirm they were alone. Then she strode over to where Johanna sat, kneeling down until she was eye level with the girl.

"How do you know that?"

"Does it matter?"

Nora took a seat next to Johanna then. The smoke from her cigarette burned Jo's eyes and made them water slightly, but she didn't mind too much. The physical closeness of the other woman was much more jarring. She knew Nora meant her no harm, but her proximity set Johanna on edge.

"Maxson told you." It wasn't a question.

Johanna nodded. To her relief, Nora didn't ask anything else about Arthur. She didn't ask about anything, she just sat there, smoking her cigarette.

"You must be incredibly brave. If it had been me..."

"You would have done the same," Nora cut in. "Any decent person would have."

Johanna wasn't sure that was true, but she didn't argue. She had the sudden image in her mind of Arthur holding a gun to Danse's head, of Nora throwing herself in front of Danse to protect him. She wondered if the actual event had been nearly so dramatic.

"All the same. Thank you for saving him. He was my mentor. I'd like to think we were even friends..."

"I'm sure he feels the same way. You're a good kid, Johanna."

Inside, she bristled at the word kid, but didn't comment on it. It was the sentiment that counted, after all.

"It doesn't matter now. I'll never see him again."

Nora smiled sadly.

"Maybe when the war is over, we'll be able to see him again."

Johanna's fragile sense of peace shattered.

"What war?"

"I thought you knew," Nora raised a neat eyebrow. "Why do you think the Brotherhood is in the Commonwealth?"

Johanna felt foolish, like the child she was so often likened to.

She had known that the Brotherhood originally hailed from the east coast, but had not thought to question their presence in Boston. That they were there for the Institute was beyond obvious. But war?

Her mind flitted back go the holodisk project she had worked on, trying to recall every bit of information she had gathered from reading the classified files.

"But the Institute is non confrontational. Their records incidicated to me that they are a non violent faction."

"They won't remain peaceful when the Brotherhood is knocking at their doors. I hope Maxson knows what he's getting into. They have us well outnumbered. Their armory is nothing to scoff at either."

"I don't understand. Why would we attack the Institute if the risk is so great?"

"I'm sure Maxson has his reasons." Her response did nothing to calm Johanna. She hadn't expected to be immersed in a full scale war when she agreed to join the Brotherhood.

Admittedly, she didn't know a lot about the Institute, but she liked to think she knew a little about strategy. Attacking a non violent faction whose resources exceeded the Brotherhood's seemed like a terrible idea, and she found herself questioning Arthur's judgement and more, fearing for her safety for the first time in a long time.

"Here, you look like you need this," Nora said, drawing a glass bottle from the inside of her jacket. She unscrewed the lid and took a long drink from the bottle. Johanna could smell the alcohol and it made her stomach lurch.

Nora held the bottle out to her, waiting for her to take it.

"Oh, I couldn't..."

"Sure you can," Nora grinned, shoving the bottle into her hands. "Don't make me drink alone, Polowski."

With slightly shaky hands, Johanna brought the bottle to her lips and took her first drink of alcohol. She coughed and sputtered so much that Nora slapped her on the back, laughing quietly.

"It gets better the more you drink. Try again."

Obediently, she took another swig, which was just as terrible as the first.

"That's foul," she muttered, but didn't give the bottle back. Her body was becoming deliciously warm, perhaps even relaxed. The feeling reminded her of calm-x, though not quite as potent.

"It's pre war," Nora said, by way of explanation. "Usually used for disinfectant. I got it from Cade for just a few caps."

"And you enjoy it?" She asked, bewildered.

Nora laughed.

"Absolutely not. But it does the trick."

Johanna took a longer swig from the bottle this time, grateful that the burn had lessened.

Her head was beginning to swim as she passed the drink back to Nora, who gulped down a mouthful like a pro.

"So," Nora began, no inflection to her voice. It was this that clued Jo in that the other vault dweller was up to something and she was immediately on guard. "We're friends, right Johanna?"

"Oh... Of course we are."

Were they? Honestly, Jo wasn't sure. She had never had friends before joining the Brotherhood, and she wasn't entirely sure if her squadmates counted as friends.

"You know you can tell me anything that's troubling you. It doesn't take a genius to see that you're not happy here."

She passed the bottle back to Jo, who didn't even hesitate this time.

"It's been difficult, yes... But I'm focusing on my training."

"You don't have to, you know."

"Sorry?"

Nora's expression grew serious.

"I can get you out of the Brotherhood. You don't have to rely on them for protection anymore."

The silence between the two women was long as Johanna's mind buzzed with the information she had just been given.

"What do you mean? Where would I go?"

"Sanctuary."

Johanna was speechless, her mouth agape in shock. Desert the Brotherhood?

"You'd be safe there, far from the front lines. The war wouldn't touch you."

"I'm not afraid," Johanna lied, but her quivering voice gave her away.

"I'm afraid for you," Nora said softly. "You're so young and innocent. You've never killed a person before, have you?"

Johanna shook her head and observed the bottle in her hand. It was half empty already, and she knew she had drank enough. Still, she took another mouthful, barely wincing at the burn.

"I could do it," she replied, voice so steady that she almost believed herself. "I've trained for this."

"You would never be the same, trust me, I know." There was bitterness in Nora's voice that Jo might have missed had she not been so focused on the other woman.

"Why are you doing this?" Jo whispered, clutching her bottle tightly.

"I only want what's best for you. And you would make an amazing teacher back in Sanctuary. You could run the school how you wanted. We have six great kids who would love you."

"A teacher? Me?"

"You would be perfect for it. You're probably the smartest person in the wastes."

A sudden thought struck her and her stomach soured.

"Arthur would never allow it."

If Nora was surprised she was on a first name basis with the Elder, she didn't show it.

"The Brotherhood isn't a gang, Johanna, he can't keep you here against your will."

"I've taken the oaths, spoke them to Arthur himself..."

"Maxson will see reason. I'm sure he doesn't want you in danger any more than I do." The wry smile on her face made Johanna's breath hitch.

"I don't know what you mean. I'm just another soldier to him."

"Now we both know that's not true."

The women stared at each other for a long moment, and Johanna suddenly felt the urge to cry.

Perhaps at one time, she had been more to Arthur than just a soldier, but that time had passed.

"You're wrong," Jo muttered, wiping at her eyes before the tears could fall. "Maybe he cared about me before, but now-"

"He still does. He would do anything for you. Including letting you go. Just ask him."

"I can't. I couldn't bear it. He gave me everything when I had nothing to offer. He made me into a soldier."

"You're not a soldier, Johanna." For the first time that night, exasperation crept into her voice. "You're a child who doesn't have the first clue what it's like to take a human life. It would destroy you, even if you survived the war. Maxson knows that."

"I'm not a child!" She exclaimed shrilly, throwing the bottle of alcohol in her hands over the edge of the ship in her anger. "The things I've been through... you have no idea."

"I didn't mean to upset you. I know your upbringing has been... difficult and I'm not trying to make light of that."

"Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself then?" She asked bitterly.

"I just want to look out for you. That prick Maxson's doing a piss poor job of it and-"

"Don't talk about him like that!"

Nora sighed.

"I'm sorry, Johanna. I think I'm going to go in. Leave you to your thoughts. Hopefully I've given you plenty to think about."

After Nora had gone, Jo stood on wobbly legs. She might have fallen, as drunken people do, other than her hands steadying herself on the railing.

She took a deep breath of the crisp night air, but it didn't steady her. She had drank too much, far too much. At this point she would have a hard time getting back to her own bed.

Fortunately, her destination was quite a bit closer.

It took longer to make the trip inside than it should have, as she stumbled over her own feet quite a bit, but soon she stood in front of the great metal door, fist poised and ready to knock. Somewhere in her mind, she knew this was a bad idea, but the alcohol in her bloodstream urged her forward.

She began pouding on the door with all her strength, wanting to be heard. She didn't care that her knuckles were sure to bruise, she just wanted to see him, urgently.

It took perhaps thirty seconds for the door to screech open, and there he was, disheveled from sleep, but looking quite alert.

"Arthur."