*Author's Notes*

Whelp. *smacks lips*

I know. I haven't written in a while. And look at me, finally motivated to do so! I sat down with all intention to write a new section of a slow-burn, smut, MariChat story I'm working on. Instead, I couldn't get the closing of season 4 out of my head, and this ball of angst tumbled out onto the paper (if you will). Shouldn't surprise me. I seem to routinely aim to write fluff and end up with a flaming ball of angst instead.

Meh. Writing is writing. A story is a story. I'll take what my Muse gives me.

**CW: Due to Chat Blanc references, there are passing mentions of "death and destruction". **

**SPOILER ALERT: Story takes place after season 4, so it has Strike Back (the season 4 finale) spoilers.

~ I'm Not Allowed to Love You ~

"Chat Noir, I'm sorry, but I can't." Ladybug hugged herself as she stepped back from him, her head low as she stared at the rooftop they were on. His feet came into view, and she whipped her gaze away, unable to even see that much of him.

"I don't understand." His voice was soft, confused, and had a hint of pain hidden behind it. "You love me, don't you? I know you didn't love me romantically at first, but you do now. I know you do. Right?" There was no malice in his voice. No anger or aggression. Yet Ladybug still flinched each time he asked her if she loved him, and every step he took to try to close the gap, she took one to keep the distance. Three steps in, he stopped.

"Look, if you don't love me that way, I get it. It hurts, but I get it. I've already gone nearly two years loving you when I knew you didn't love me back the same way. I just- I don't understand. I thought-"

Her light sob stopped him cold.

"Ladybug? I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"I can't love you, Chat Noir." She hugged herself tighter, clawing at her shoulders and wanting to rip herself apart in frustration. "Don't you get it? I. Can't!"

"Oh."

Ladybug didn't need to see him to know how much he deflated with that one word. She knew how he lost a couple of centimeters as he slumped; his knees buckling slightly and his shoulders rolled forward, his tail hanging limp behind him. She didn't need to see; the image already stabbed her right in the heart.

"I do though," she whispered. She wasn't sure if she said it in desperation just to get it out, or if she hoped it would be a balm for his wounded soul.

"You- you do?"

She couldn't stand the hope that rang through his words. She shouldn't have said anything after all.

"You love me?"

Her curling further into herself was all Chat Noir needed as confirmation. He didn't allow her to retreat this time. He sprinted to her and pulled her into a hug before she registered what was happening.

"I don't understand, Bugaboo. Isn't this great news? I love you and you love me. We love each other. I don't get why this is so bad. I promise I'll protect you as much as I always have, and I'll keep you focused on the problems at hand. I know I haven't been the best at that in the past, but I'll be better. This won't be a distraction from our duties as heroes. I swear."

"No!" She shoved him away. Covering her ears, she started muttering to herself. "No. No no no no. No, this won't work. This is terrible."

"I don't-"

"We can't be in love with each other. I can't do this again."

"Again?"

"I can't see-" She finally allowed herself to look at him again. To her, his eyes were a haunting blue, and his costume white. She yelped and clenched her eyes closed to the sight. She couldn't see him like that again. He was in so much pain. He caused so much death and destruction. He was so broken, and she absolutely could not let him become that again!

"Ladybug, why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Why aren't you happier about this? About us? I know it will be a bit tricky dating without knowing who the other fully is, but that can come later, after we defeat Shadowmoth."

"It won't happen."

"Of course it will. I know we'll win one day. Our love won't-"

"Our love destroys the world, Chat Noir!" She clapped her hands over her mouth. Her eyes widened, and she collapsed to her knees. She wasn't supposed to say that. He wasn't supposed to know.

"What?" He stumbled back, as if retreating from a flame. Catching his balance, he collapsed to the rooftop as well. "How? How could-? No! There's no way! I don't believe love could ever be destructive like that. Especially ours."

"I saw it." Ladybug stared at her open palms, now resting on her lap, unsure what else to do with them.

"You-?"

"A few months back, I screwed up. I did something stupid as Ladybug. Something for personal gain. As I was running home as Ladybug, Bunnyx found me."

"Bunnyx? Alix from the future? The Rabbit Miraculous holder?"

"Mmhmm. She brought me to the future. Not that far, either. Only a few months, maybe a year; tops. Everything was destroyed. The whole world. The moon was broken in half. Paris was flooded. All the citizens were petrified. The Eiffel Tower was knocked over onto its side. The only building still standing was the Montparnasse."

"How did it get that bad? Was it Shadowmoth? Why didn't Bunnyx get me too? Why haven't you told me any of this?"

"I- I don't know what caused it. Bunnyx said it was best for me to never know that much of the future. She just told me to do what I do best: purify the akuma and use my Miraculous Ladybugs to fix everything. But-" Her breath caught in her throat; clogging it in a failed attempt to stop the next words from spilling out. "-then I saw who was akumatized." Ladybug slowly raised her eyes to meet Chat Noir's.

"Me?" He gasped. When Ladybug nodded, he shook his head violently. No! I couldn't! I wouldn't submit to an akuma! I wouldn't have kept it! You would have saved me. I know-"

She stilled him with a gentle hand on his chest.

"I don't know why he kept his akuma, but that Ladybug – the one that should have purified the akuma and fixed everything – she was one of the people frozen in stone. She was reaching out; pleading. A couple meters away from her was a petrified Hawkmoth with his hands up to protect himself."

"No. No, I wouldn't kill you! I wouldn't kill anyone! That wasn't me!" Chat Noir jumped to his feet. "You have to know that's not me!"

"I know it's not you, Kitty. It wasn't him either." Ladybug stood up and took Chat Noir's right hand. He ripped it from her, but not before she felt him shaking. "He didn't want what happened. He asked me to save him. I did, by the way. I was able to return him to himself, and then I came back to our time to erase my mistake. That stopped everything from happening, but I'm still terrified that I may screw up again, and then you'll become him."

"Is that why you can't love me? Because you're afraid I'll become the akumatized version of me that destroys the world? Do I scare you?"

"No! No, you don't scare me, Chat Noir."

"Don't trust me then?"

"I do trust you. I know I haven't shown it lately, but I do."

"Then, why? I still don't understand how any of this makes it wrong that we love each other. I don't get how our love could possibly destroy the world."

"Because he told me that's why he was akumatized."

"What?" Chat Noir froze.

"He told me that our love is what did that to the world. He said that we were happy until Hawkmoth found out." Ladybug quickly wiped the tears away before Chat Noir could spot them. "I don't know how Hawkmoth – or Shadowmoth – figured out that they were – that we were - together, but I can't chance it."

She turned her back to Chat Noir. It hurt too much to tell him all of this; to watch him as she confessed one of her greatest fears. "It was bad enough that Mayura almost manipulated you into giving up your Miraculous with that sentimonster of me. Now that Shadowmoth has nearly every Miraculous, who knows what he could do to try to manipulate us?"

"Wait." Chat Noir paused as he tried to wrap his mind around everything. "So, let me get this straight. At some point in the future – probably the near future; possibly right now – you and I start dating. It goes well, and we're happy, but Shadowmoth finds out. Somehow that results in the moon getting destroyed, Paris toppling, the citizens all getting frozen in stone, and the city – possibly the whole world – flooding. Somewhere in there, I'm also akumatized. It may be because of the disasters. But it's more likely that I created those disasters somehow?"

"He could throw his Cataclysm like an energy blast, and he could do it as often as he wished." Ladybug shuddered as she remembered that massive glowing orb Chat Blanc used to threaten the end of the whole universe. All because it hurt too much for him to lose her love. Is this a mistake? Am I going to turn him into Chat Blanc now because I'm denying my love for him? Ladybug shut her eyes tight to the thought. She didn't know what to do. Loving him could cause the world to end. Breaking his heart could cause the world to end. Why did she have to fall in love with him? Why did he have to fall in love with her first?

"But all of it was because Shadowmoth found out. And the akumatized version of me called him Hawkmoth instead?"

Ladybug nodded again.

"So, either Shadowmoth is going to go back to calling himself Hawkmoth, or that future is already officially erased. Isn't it? No problem then."

"We can't be sure!" Ladybug whipped back around. "And what if it's not exactly the same, but our love still gets you akumatized? What if I let my guard down, and it causes you to- I can't! I can't take that chance! Don't you understand? I can't! I won't let him turn you! I have to protect you! I'm doing this to protect you! Please, understand. Please. I can't-"

"Hey!" Chat Noir pulled her into a hug. "Shhhh. It's okay. I'm okay. We're fine. We're fine."

"I can't do it again."

Chat Noir gently stroked her hair as he whispered soothingly in her ear. "You won't. It's okay. I'm so sorry you've carried this alone. I'll be careful. And we don't have to be together right now, okay?"

"I'm sorry," she sniffled into his chest, "I'm sorry I can't love you. I can't. I can't-"

"Shh. I get it. I get it, Ladybug. It's okay."

She pulled him close. So close that she might have broken his spine if he wasn't also a superhero. She clawed at his back as she tried to pull him even closer. As close as possible to try to protect him. Her tears streaked her mask, her cheeks, and the chest of his suit.

She loved him. She loved him most of all. As much as she thought she loved Adrien, this was more. This hurt more. She wished to protect him all the more. The fear of losing him overwhelmed her. The need to have him beside her was also her will to keep going. She could do anything if Chat Noir was there to support her.

Anything, but love him. Yet, that was exactly what she was doing. She loved him more than she could bear.

Chat Noir was gentle with her. He was patient. He gladly endured the clawing at his back, and the unbearably tight hug. He knew all too well the emotion that flooded those actions. Gabriel never knew, but Adrien saw him do the same thing to Emilie the last night Adrien saw them together. There was a pain and pleading in such an embrace. A pleading for the other to just stay with them, and Chat Noir could never deny his lady. So he stayed.

He rocked her. He played with her hair. He whispered reassurances in her ear. He let her weep. He took her pain into his own chest as he wondered how he could ever scare her like that.

Eventually, she stilled. Her breaths became even again, and her grip loosened.

"I'm sorry, Chat Noir."

"No. I'm sorry you carried this worry. It's okay, Ladybug. I promise you, it's okay."

"But-"

"I get it. For the safety of the world, we can't be together. At least, not until we stop Shadowmoth."

"Is it wrong that I'm more worried about your safety?"

A single tear spilled down Chat Noir's left cheek. "No, Bugaboo, it's really sweet." He pulled her close, and kissed the top of her head.

"This isn't fair."

"I know."

"I don't know how I can do this. How do I stop loving you now that I do?"

"I'll just have to stop being so charming, I guess." He gave a goofy, cockeyed grin and a shrug. "Won't be easy, but I'll try my best."

Ladybug let out a soft, sad little giggle. "You could always go back to punning more."

"Hey! My puns are paw-some! You just haven't learned how to a-purr-eciate them."

"Yup. Feel myself falling out of love already." Ladybug nuzzled against Chat Noir's chest.

"In that case, m'lady, do you mind?" He leaned back in to catch her eyes, his own half-lidded and longing. "Before you fall completely out of love with me?"

Her heart fluttered. He always knew how to cheer her up when she was at her lowest. She closed her eyes and leaned towards his mouth, craving its gentle touch.

His left hand interlaced with her right, and his right hand wrapped around to her back to help pull her in. The warmth of his sigh hit her lips a split second before he did. His soft lips gently reaching out for hers. It was a simple, chaste, close-mouthed kiss, but there was still unquestioning passion behind it. Heat still shot through both of them, and an indescribable ache still pulsed in both of their chests. Their woven fingers gripped tighter, begging to not have to separate.

It was bittersweet; knowing that they finally had something they both wanted so desperately, only for it to possibly be their last kiss as well.

At least this time, they would both remember it.

~ Thank you for reading. Reviews are always welcome. You can also PM me if you don't wish to leave a public review.~

*Bonus Story*

Emotionally exhausted, Chat Noir lounged across the rooftop, hidden in shadow and propped up by the chimney behind him. Ladybug was curled up beside him, her head on his chest and counting his heartbeats. His fingers skated up and down her arm as he gazed at the moon. Never before did he expect seeing it in one piece would somehow taunt him.

Bunnyx stopped it before I could become him, he reassured himself. He glanced down at the girl he loved in his arms. She's not going to become that Ladybug. I won't let myself become akumatized. We'll be safe. The world will be safe. Bunnyx is watching and will make sure of it.

"That's it! She'll make sure it will be alright!"

"Hmm?" Ladybug looked up at him. "What am I doing?"

"Not you! Bunnyx!" Chat Noir beamed, his energy renewed. "Don't you get it? Bunnyx had you reset the timeline when it went horribly wrong! You haven't seen her since though, have you?"

"Well, no?"

"Then we are definitely going to defeat Shadowmoth! If him getting the other Miraculous from you was our defeat then she would have found a way to have stopped it! Right? Plus, future you still has to give Alix the Rabbit Miraculous in the first place, right? So we're definitely getting at least that one back! If something would have stopped her from getting her Miraculous, she would have come back in time to correct that, wouldn't she?"

"You're- you're right! How didn't I think of that?"

"I watch a lot of time-travel movies." Chat Noir shrugged.

"Yeah! Yeah, Bunnyx could have fixed things, and she didn't. So we must think of a solution!" She grabbed Chat Noir's face and pulled him in for a quick peck on the lips. "Chat Noir, I love you!"

"Weren't you supposed to stop that?" The right side of his mouth quirked up in a smile.

"Shut up and just accept it for now."

"Whatever you say, Bugaboo." He kissed her forehead and pulled her back in for a few more minutes of snuggles. As soon as they left that rooftop they were back to how they always were: Ladybug not in love with Chat Noir. In that moment, though? She was in love with him, he was in love with her, and a future where they could freely love each other didn't seem so impossible.

[END]

(Okay, so I couldn't leave it COMPLETELY angsty... could I?)