CHAPTER 14:
ROBIN THE CRADLE
If you were to pick someone who was one of the better hackers in Gotham City, then it was unlikely to be a hulking shark-man, dressed in a hoodie or not. But to those who knew him, Nanaue, or King Shark to the world at large, was a warm-hearted goofy guy. True, he was also an infamous cybercriminal, but that was his field of expertise. One would have pegged him as a brutish, unthinking thug rather than a goofy nerd who happened to look like a humanoid shark.
As he hunched over Harley's laptop, a pair of modified glasses perched on his snout, he said, "Well, there's your problem, Harley. You didn't include any keywords or tags."
Harley facepalmed. "Ugh, dammit…I was so fixated on registering an account and being so excited about getting a nemesis, I forgot that."
"Believe me, even for those who remember, they often use the wrong shit," Nanaue said. "And as much as these websites are similar to dating websites, you've gotta use different keywords and tags. Also, as a little favour, I'm hacking their mainframe, getting you featured. By the way, heard about what you did to the Joker's lair. Nice. And giving Joshua Cobblepot gifts at his bar mitzvah. Now, word is, you want in at the Legion of Doom, and networking is a key part of that. Not computer stuff, but networking between people. Okay, done. Ooh, you have a match already!"
Nanaue showed them who was on the screen, and Harry frowned. "…Who's Tommy Tomorrow? Is he like a cut-rate Booster Gold or something?"
After looking over the details despondently, Harley snarled. "I'm not settling for this wannabe. I want to nemesis up."
"You're not exactly going to find any A-Listers on here, Harley," Nanaue said. "Batman's not on here."
"…But we could still get him," Harley said with a smirk.
"…Harley, how many times have you fought him and ended up banged up in Arkham?" Pamela said with a groan.
"Ivy, how many times have those been when the Joker used me as a decoy to get away?"
"…I hate it when you make sense while doing something insane," Pamela muttered.
"Look, I have a brilliant plan that, by the end of it, he'll be my nemesis."
Harry shared a look with Pamela, who shrugged. "Hey, you wanted to join her crew, help her out."
"And you brought her home in the first place."
"Hey, enough of that," Harley said. "Harry, remember, you're the one with the escape plan. Get some Portkeys ready, just in case things go south. I want to get his attention, not go back to Arkham yet…"
Harry stared as Harley drove into the warehouse they were using that evening…in the Batmobile. "…What," he muttered when she leapt out with a cheer.
"How the actual hell did you pull this one off?" Dr Psycho asked.
Harley smirked, pulling out her smartphone and activating an app. "I noticed that the Batmobile's operating system is voice-activated, and believe it or not, I've made quite a few recordings of his voice over the years. I managed to splice them together, so…"
She pressed a button on the app, and Batman's voice rang out, the words disjointed. "Open Batmobile. Allow HARLEY! To…drive."
"…And that worked? Voiceprint technology should have detected that, I would've thought," Harry said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm torn between being impressed by your ingenuity, and disappointed by his lack of foresight. Isn't he basically prepared for every eventuality or something?"
"Hey, I tried it, and it worked, so he messed up. Also…"
She pressed another button, and Harry couldn't help but snicker at the next disjointed phrase. "I definitely make. Love. To…bats."
"Heavens to Murgatroyd, he admits it!" Clayface chortled, before a rope wrapped around him and hauled him into the rafters of the warehouse.
As Harley dithered over an appropriate greeting, Harry, who had been the designated cameraman for this, frowned as he got out his smartphone, started recording and looked around. He did see a shadowy figure in the rafters, but it was definitely too small to be the Batman. He realised who had come to them about a second before the slight and short figure of Robin stepped into a patch of light.
"Oh God, we got the toddler up past his bedtime," Harry snarked.
"…Weren't you eleven when you were sneaking around Hogwarts with an Invisibility Cloak?" Harley whispered to him.
"…I hate it when you have a point like that."
"Love you too, Basilisk," she said a little more loudly.
"Hey, eyes on me, you losers!" Robin snapped.
"Robin, what are you doing here? Where's Batman?"
"Do you think he has the time to spare with guttersnipes like you? You're lucky I deigned to come here."
Harry stared at the brat flatly. "…Guttersnipe? This is coming from the brat in the Halloween costume?"
"Batman, too busy? Doing what?" Harley asked, before smirking. "Oh wait, I know."
She activated the app again. "I definitely make. Love. To…bats," intoned Batman's voice once more.
"Shut up, and fight me, nards!"
As Dr Psycho lamented his situation, Harley muttered, "I am NOT battling a twelve year old brat who thinks he's from a renaissance fair."
"Hey, I was raised by an elite group of assassins from birth, and you're just an old clown. What're you, thirty?"
Harry grimaced as he tried to attack Harley, only to kick her shins. "Hey, kid," he hissed. "Did you seriously insult my friend? Especially considering she is 26, has more letters after her name than you ever will, and can actually fight?" Robin ran at him, only for Harley to step on his cape, leading Robin to be yanked off his feet with a strangled yelp. "You couldn't assassinate your way out of a wet paper bag."
Harley grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, before hooking Robin onto a nearby meathook by his pants. "And you're not even worth my time. Tell Daddy that next time, it will be Batman against my bat…man." She tapped her baseball bat against her palm pointedly, before strutting out, as best as she could while angry. Robin yelled at them angrily to let him down as they followed, but Harry ignored him, as did they all, Harry shutting down the recording function of the smartphone as he did so…
"What did you just say?!"
"Harley," came the voice of Athena via speakerphone, one third of the Oracle, warped and flanging by her voice-changing program, "you messed up. Robin has scheduled an appearance on Tawny! later today. And if his usual public appearances are anything to go by, you're going to be humiliated. Robin plays up the adorable, precocious child act whenever he's doing something this public. And I'm sure the conniving little brat will claim to be your nemesis."
Harley seemed about to let loose and use her bat on the phone, but she calmed herself with a monumental effort. They were back at the apartment early the next morning. "Right, so…how do we do this? Because I want a nemesis whose balls have actually dropped. I mean if they're a man, anyway."
"If it helps, I did actually film the confrontation, Athena," Harry said.
"Send it my way, Harry."
He did so, and the partners in crime waited, even Pamela, who was looking on. Then, a snicker came up the phone. "We can use this," Athena said. "I'll have to mute some of the dialogue potentially identifying Harry, but other than that, I think I'll be contacting Tawny Young about this."
Harley smirked. "Little punk's gonna regret messing with me."
"That's good, because honestly, humiliating him mildly on national TV is infinitely superior to becoming a child-killer, just saying," Pamela said. "That's definitely a line you don't want to cross. The Batman probably won't kill you, but you'd be in a full-body cast, eating through a straw and pissing through a catheter for a long time afterwards."
"Eh, say what you will about Arkham's psychiatric care, but it's medical treatments are pretty damn good, right?" Harley asked.
"Maybe, but I never had almost every bone in my body broken, even by overzealous guards." Pamela sat down next to Harley. "So, Athena, anything else we have to do?"
"Just be watching Tawny! later today," Athena said.
Harry nodded, only to frown as something came to mind. A notion that had him screaming inwardly. And there was literally only one other person in the room with them he could trust with that. "Pamela…can I have a word?"
"Hmm? Sure…"
They went into the bedroom, Harry setting up Privacy Charms just in case. "Okay, so, what is so secret you can't tell Harley?"
"…I just had this notion. Something Robin said last night. I think I know who the little shit is…and therefore, who Batman is."
Pamela's eyes widened. "Holy shit, really?!"
"Look, I don't know for sure, but…I think Robin is Damian Wayne. And therefore, Batman is…"
"…Bruce Wayne?" Pamela laughed. "That philandering playboy? I…I…" Revelation bloomed on her face, before she said in a flat tone, "Fuck, that makes so much sense." She began pacing near the bed. "Let's see…Bruce's parents were murdered when he was a kid, so I guess that's why he wanted to be a vigilante when he grew up…he's got the money to create his combat suit and the Batmobile…but how did you get Damian Wayne being Robin?"
"You said it yourself, there were rumours that Damian Wayne was a lovechild of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul. Robin said he had been trained by an order of assassins. Maybe the League of Assassins."
"…Holy shit. You're about to humiliate the grandson of Ra's al Ghul on live TV, if this is true. Then again, if he's joined the Batman, Ra's al Ghul probably wouldn't give a damn." After a moment, Pamela jabbed a finger into his chest. "We need Oracle to get us something that can protect us against Dr Psycho's powers, ASAP. Honestly, I don't think Harley or Clayface will be too much of a problem if they learn this. They both treat this like a game, even if it's in deadly earnest, and I'd be more worried about them letting it slip by accident. But Psycho? He may not get respect for being misogynistic, but he takes this seriously, and if he learned, he'd go and mind-rape Wayne within an inch of his life."
"…And you?"
"What about me? As much as his alter-ego pisses me off, Bruce Wayne does a lot more for the environment than the average plutocrat. Honestly, he and Oliver Queen, who is the Green Arrow, rank amongst the best. It also makes me feel a bit better. I know his issues, I know why he goes out in a bat-themed gimp suit and beats the shit out of criminals. And if I try to hold it over him…who's to say he doesn't have a contingency for it?"
"He didn't for Harley using a phone app for voice sampling so she could steal the Batmobile."
Pamela shrugged. "Douglas Adams once said that a common mistake people make when trying to make things foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of fools. Batman'll probably patch that now. Anyway, this is only a hypothesis, barely even a theory. It fits the facts, it explains a lot, and I honestly don't have another one, but we don't know for sure that Bruce Wayne is Batman. And if he is, it changes little. I'm fighting to save the environment, not to kill the Batman, not like those other idiots." Pamela then smirked. "Of course, I may just try to scare the shit out of him…"
The conversation was on Harry's mind later when they watched Tawny!, with Robin playing up his childishness quite a bit. And he had such a smug look on his face right up until Tawny began playing the footage sent to them. Harley, her crew, Pamela and Nanaue all roared with laughter as Robin claimed it was faked, and ranted about fake news like an overgrown toddler in a snit.
"Oh God, I needed that," Harley said, leaning back on the couch, grinning. "I'm glad I heard Oracle out about, you know, using that footage. Good thing you filmed it, Harry."
"See?" Harry said. "That is how you deal with nuisances. Actually, in a way, I'm carrying on the family tradition. You know, like with the Marauders I told you and Pamela about."
"Yeah…yeah, you have a point. When you think about it, the Joker makes himself out to be a prankster king, but…well, most of his stuff ain't remotely funny. I want to make more people laugh. I want to entertain them, even as they soil themselves in fear." Harley shook her head. "…That's what he never understood. It's all about him. He's all take and no give."
"And in other breaking news, my skin is green," Pamela snarked. "Anyway, you don't have to force the nemesis issue. You do you, and the rest will come naturally. JKH, right? Just Keep Heisting."
As Harley and Pamela discussed Harley taking advice, or rather, the lack thereof, Harry noticed Nanaue standing there. "So, has she got another opening on her crew?"
"What, you want to join her?" Harry asked.
Nanaue nodded. "She seems fun. Just as long as she doesn't have me near blood. I don't do good with blood."
"What, you get a little faint-y?" Psycho asked.
"Actually, he apparently goes into a berserker rage," Harry said. "This is if he's in the water with blood, mind."
"And getting too splattered with it," Nanaue said.
Harley, who had finished her discussion with Pamela and having overheard part of it, went up to Nanaue. "Well, it'd be good to have a good hacker on the team. But aren't you with Oracle?"
"More like a subcontractor. I'm sure they won't mind."
"But I sure as hell do!" Sy made himself known, holding up an eviction notice.
"And what grounds are you evicting me on?!" Pamela yelped.
"Your lease says 'no pets', and yet, what the hell is that?" Sy said, pointing at Nanaue.
"Someone who is hurt by your xenophobia?" Nanaue said pointedly.
"Xena-phobia? I love that girl!" Sy said.
Pamela begged with Sy, but to no avail. Recognising her distress and anger building, Harry walked over as Sy left, and gently slid the door shut for her. "It's okay, Pamela," he said quietly, hugging her. "We can find somewhere else."
She nodded, even as Harley looked on with a contrite expression. She hadn't intended to get her best friend evicted. Not at all…
CHAPTER 14 ANNOTATIONS:
Robin has been dealt with in a somewhat more straightforward manner, but Ivy's been evicted, regardless. And Harry and Ivy have come to a startling revelation…
Review-answering time! Reishin Amara: I am not sure whether Dr Psycho is able to or even willing to do that to himself. He's a proud misogynist in the comics, apparently, so I personally doubt it.
Kaiya Azure: Batman seems…less competent than his modern self in Harley Quinn. He basically has the attitude of his modern iteration, but with a feel for the Silver Age version, back when it was all POW!, ZAP! and WHAM!, if you get my meaning. His competence basically goes up and down depending on the story, so while he's a good crimefighter, he's nowhere near the hypercompetent one he is in the comics.
nagiten: Well, he can actually be quite vicious when he puts his mind to it, and he's often used as the muscle during heists, but overall, he's a goofy nerd in Harley Quinn.
WearyCurmudgeon: I was actually pretty damned annoyed by your review. I am NOT killing off the twins Ginnymort had with Harry. In fact, I have a solution that is canon to the finale of the first season of the show that will ensure that everyone is, if not happy, then satisfied. I've probably spoiled it for people who have actually watched the show, but let's just say there's a neat solution that renders the whole mess moot. And yes, Darkseid is a raging hypocrite. And in other breaking news, the ocean is wet.
RonalM40196867: No. If you bothered to read my profile, then you would know that the answer is no. No suggestions or story ideas or anything like that.
WhiteElfElder: Then that means you haven't seen the series. As mentioned above, there's a simple solution that makes a fourth option where Ginnymort and the twins are concerned.
anubis1650: Wow, I…wish I thought of that. I'll consider having Ivy do that, make a custom wand with Hermione's help in a later chapter.
No numbered annotations this time.