CHAPTER 17:

BEING HARLEY QUINN

Harry grimaced as they walked amongst the carnival barkers, who all looked like the Joker, calling out names for dubious games of 'skill' and 'chance'. This was Harley's subconscious, and they were walking through it, thankfully unharrassed by the antibodies, who were marching along behind Delphi. "Harley, I'm sure you realise this, but your mind is all kinds of messed up."

"Yeah, I'm sort of reminded why my mother recycled so many wine bottles," Harley admitted. "And I was messed up from a young age. I…kinda had a crush on Frankie Muniz, and had this plan to kidnap him, get him to love me, and then, when I hit puberty, I'd 'forget' the birth control."

Harry blinked. That didn't sound remotely good. But then, he frowned. "Who the hell is Frankie Muniz?"

"…You're kidding, right?" Harley asked. "Malcolm in the Middle? Big Fat Liar? Agent Cody Banks?"

"…I've heard of that stuff, but I've never watched it," Harry admitted.

"Look, don't worry, I've…grown out of that," Harley said, albeit unconvincingly, before her face fell. "Instead, I fell for a complete monster. And I can't get him out of my head. Case in point…" She indicated the various Jokers around them.

"It's been less than a month, Harley," Pamela said quietly. "I don't expect you to get over him so quickly. I mean, you were pining after him for a year in Arkham before I came and broke you out."

"Seriously, guys like him give clowns a bad name," Delphi grumbled. "I like clowns. We need a clown-themed superhero to counteract the Joker." One of the antibodies scurried up to Delphi and whispered into her ear. "Okay, so, Antibody 42 just told me that we're nearing an emergency exit from your mind, Harley, but we're also near something called Repressed Memory Island. She said we can find what you want there before you leave."

"…They're being helpful. I was a little sh…I mean, hellion at that age, so I'm still surprised you…tamed them? Is that the right word?" Harley asked.

"I just showed them who the alpha is," Delphi said smugly. "It's not a matter of dominance or appeasement. They just know I rank higher than them on the hellion pecking order."

"…But they're me, and I am so much more worse now than I was then," Harley said, confused. "They didn't listen to me."

Antibody 42 whispered to Delphi, who said, "Also, you've got to be more in touch with your inner child. You're better than most, but you've got nothing on me."

"But you act so precociously, with knowledge far beyond the ken of other children your age," Clayface remarked.

"Yeah, little Delphi is a prodigy," Luna said, ruffling her adoptive daughter's hair. "Hermione and I have our hands full just trying to have her…enjoy life, especially given her parentage. I'd like to think we're succeeding. We saw what happened when someone else infamous in the Wizarding World had bad guardians."

"Yeah, it's a wonder I'm remotely sane and moral," Harry said quietly.

Delphi shrugged. "…The only thing I can complain about with my childhood is being a fugitive…that, and having to deal with kids who are so…boring and irritating."

"…Not your parentage?"

"I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but…to me, Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange were…donors of genetic material. If I'm going to conquer the world, then I'm going to ensure people are cheering me on when I do so, and I don't mean just inbred racists with the collective IQ of a puddle and a gene pool that is more…like a puddle. Sorry, I'm still working on using my words."

For a moment, Delphi looked like the child she really was. It was so easy to forget how old she was, given the very adult way she usually spoke and thought. Pamela smiled. "That's fine. You're a good kid, Delphi. One day, you'll make an even greater woman. Just hold off on trying to take over the world for a little while longer, yes?"

"Well, it's not like I can take the antibodies out with me," Delphi muttered sullenly.

Repressed Memory Island took the form of a twisted, distorted form of Arkham Asylum with a lighthouse. Nanaue was going to swim them across, but he'd have to make a couple of trips, even if Delphi left her newly found minions behind. Luna Transfigured a part of the jetty into a boat, solving the problem.

As they walked through the dank, dingy corridors, Harley frowned. "So, why does it look like Arkham?"

"It's a frame of reference for how your mind locks up memories you don't wish to remember," Luna said. "Arkham Asylum is where you were incarcerated for your crimes. I'd imagine Pamela has a similar mindscape for the same area. You can look, but I don't think you'll like what you'll see."

Harley went over to one of the sturdy doors and opened up an observation window. It showed Harley and a woman who was presumably her mother drinking wine looking out of a window as a stocky man was attacked by thugs. "…When's Daddy going to be done with his business meeting?" the younger Harley asked in a plaintive, concerned tone.

In another, Harry blinked as Harley read out a legal letter about a restraining order from Frankie Muniz. As the younger Harley looked to the poster and promised she would see him soon, Harley remarked, "Wow…so that's why I ended up in juvie?"

"…How could you forget how you ended up in juvie?" Harry asked incredulously, disturbed by the memory.

"Aside from this being repressed memories that I regret?" Harley said. "I think Frankie Muniz's security got a little too overzealous with their fists, and I was drugged up somewhat in juvie due to mental issues. Honestly, in hindsight, I'm glad. And it didn't stop me from going to university or getting a job at Arkham."

"Hey, Harley," Luna said, indicating a door covered in barrier tape, the sort they used to fence off crime scenes and accidents and the like. Harley immediately tore the tape off and entered, revealing a chemical plant where the Joker and Harleen were standing on a gantry.

Joker was speaking about how the chemicals would change her into his masterpiece, and how she would be his forever. And then, Harleen, after saying it was a dream come true…jumped. Not pushed. She jumped.

Harley's eyes widened in shock, and she sagged to her knees. Harry and Pamela flanked her as she stared at the repeating scene, numb. "…Hey, are you okay?" Pamela asked.

"I…I don't know. All this time, I thought he pushed me. That I didn't have a choice, but…it was my choice."

"…So you basically told yourself it was out of your control?" Pamela asked.

"…Yeah, because it was easier to blame him than accept the truth."

"Harley…" Harry said quietly. "In some ways, he did push you. You can see it in the way he spoke, in the way he manipulated you. You jumped because he fooled you into thinking he returned your love. Responsibility is a tricky thing to determine."

Luna nodded. "We're a product of our decisions, as well as those of other people. Our lives are interconnected. People don't take a holistic view of things as much as they should. But…you can take back what control you can. You're in your own mind. Reality here is what you want it to be. This was your origin story, right? The moment that defined who you are now? But it's not anymore, is it?"

"…No," Harley said, before giving them a smile. "Thanks, all of you. For coming in here, braving my pretty twisted mind, and trying to help me get through this. But it's past time I showed that I was in control, and I still am."

With that, Harley stormed forward, and fused with her past self, just as Joker told her to jump, and that she would be his forever. "Hard pass," she sneered. As Joker gibbered in surprise, Harley, through her past self's lips, said, "I apologise for not realising you were deaf(1), idiot. I said no."

The Joker stared at her in bemusement. "But…you have to jump! This is your origin story, set in stone!"

"Wrong," Harley retorted. "It's not my origin story. My true origin story didn't happen in this place." She gestured, and the chemical plant transformed into the interior of the Joker's former lair, and Harley seemed to tear her old psychiatrist outfit off herself, revealing her current look, before forming her baseball bat. "And believe me, I wasn't telling you that you were a dream come true. I was telling you where to shove our so-called relationship."

"God, are you trying to avoid swearing in front of the little bitch? When she saw how you stalked Frankie Muniz, or cut up a Ken doll while swearing like a sailor?"

Delphi looked on flatly. "And you're the epitome of family-friendliness? Ram it, clown," she heckled.

Harley jabbed the Joker in the chest with her bat. "You think you created me. But nobody did. They may have shaped me, true, but they didn't create Harley Quinn. Not my messed-up parents, not Jessica Sarner when she lied to the whole school camp about what I did with a horse…A HORSE!" She smashed her bat into the Joker's groin, causing the mental doppelganger of the Clown Prince of Crime to double over in pain. "Not those cops who questioned me for hours about where Jessica Sarner ended up, and certainly not you, Pudding."

"I named you!" the Joker snapped, jabbing a finger at Harley, who batted his finger away quite literally and painfully.

"Congratulations, you got 'Harley Quinn' from 'Harleen Quinzel'. That puts you on a par with half of my bullies at school," Harley retorted. "Nice work, genius." And as she smashed him across the face with her bat, she snapped, "Swing, batter batter!"

"…I want popcorn," Delphi remarked.

"Oddly enough, so do I," Harry agreed.

"You didn't make me, Joker," Harley said. "I made myself."

"Bullshit!" Joker snapped. "You can't change your memories! This isn't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind rules!"

"No, this is The Dungeonmaster rules," Harley said. "Or perhaps you'd know them from Mythbusters, when Adam Savage said, 'I reject your reality and substitute my own'(2)?" A pool table dropped over the prone form of the Joker, and as it impacted, with him cowering beneath it, the lair transformed into its demolished state from when Harry and Pamela witnessed it. "MY mind. MY rules. Kthnxbye."

Harry realised that, instead of the dank corridors of Harley's Repressed Memories Island, they were back in the memories museum, and Harley, as she strutted out from the doorway that led, according to the placard, to her new origin story, smiled. "Thanks, guys. I mean, I said it before, but I owe you a lot for coming in here to save me, especially given how messed-up my mind is."

"Should I be concerned about Jessica Sarner?" Harry asked.

"Look, they found her a few days later, alive, mostly uninjured, and with her virtue intact," Harley said. "However, she did get a severe case of equinophobia, enough to get triggered from an episode of My Little Pony. Scarecrow gave me a high five when he heard the full story."

"…You know, that's cruel and unusual punishment," Delphi said. "I mean, I like Twilight Sparkle…"

When they emerged, Psycho was still out cold. Harley consulted with Frank carefully, asking him what happened. She then had Luna release and revive the misogynistic midget. Unwisely, he snapped at Luna and Delphi, "You bitches, I'll kill you!"

Harley, however, fixed him with a look, causing the glow of his psychic powers readying themselves to lash out to fade away. Luna's claims had been solidified by Psycho's outburst. "No. You will not. You will shut the actual hell up and listen. Do you understand me?" As Psycho spluttered and blustered, she screamed, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

Psycho recoiled, and then nodded. Harley sagged into herself, and sighed. "I'm inexperienced leading a crew, I know that. I want to be a good boss, a kind boss, not the sort who harms her people when she doesn't get her way. But that doesn't mean I won't punish people who go against us as a group. And because you're butthurt about Luna being as good as you if not better, you decide you want to kill her and Delphi? Luna is my friend, and Delphi's an interesting kid. You just joined me because you thought working under a woman would rehabilitate your image and get you back into the Legion of Doom. Did you join me because you really believed in me? Don't bother answering that, I know the answer is no. I just thought you'd be useful, that you'd get better, that I could show you my mettle."

"So what, you're kicking me out? You need me, more than you need these others," Psycho snarled.

"No, I don't. Harry's got the 'levitation' thing down, and I know he can be taught to read minds. Ivy can control people if she needs to with her pheromones. If I need someone to go right into the mind of someone else Inception-style, Luna has that covered." Harley sighed. "Dr Psycho, I don't want to do this. I want to be a good boss. But I am not getting rid of the people you hate for your sake alone. I'm giving you one chance. Just one. Try to put up with them, and don't pull anything like this again, or you're off the crew."

After a moment, Psycho sneered. "Fuck your chance, fuck your crew, and fuck you, you bleached cunt. I quit. And soon, you'll regret ever crossing me."

As he turned to leave, Luna, who was fiddling with a piece of broken floor, used a Banishing Charm to hit Psycho with it, and he promptly vanished with a startled yelp. "…Okay, so…I know that was probably a Portkey," Pamela said, "but where did you send him to?"

"Gotham Harbour. That's his one and only chance. The next time he tries to come after me or mine…well, I can get very creative…" Luna said with a smile that even the Joker would have pissed his pants at…

Psycho coughed up the doubtlessly polluted water he had inhaled when he had been dropped in the middle of Gotham Harbour. For a moment, he was drowning, panicking, and then, he'd been yanked out, roughly, but he had. And then, he heard a voice, female, British, but with a cold high tone. "Well, well, well…I go for a walk to get away from the twins, and look what I've found."

Psycho mustered up enough willpower to glare up at the one mocking him, even if she might be his saviour, only to freeze. Those red, reptilian eyes were looking at him appraisingly, and finding him wanting. But not too much, for a cold smile touched her lips. "Dr Edgar Cizko, I presume? Good day to you. Judging by the fact that you're currently choking up the nastiest part of Gotham Harbour, you're on the out with Harleen Quinzel?"

"What the fuck is it to you?!" Psycho snapped.

Her face fell, and she said, "Mind your language, please." Despite the calm words, they were delivered in a tone that suggested to Psycho that she would geld him and feed him his own genitals if he didn't show her, if not respect, then deference.

After a moment, Psycho said, "What is it to you, if I'm on the out with Harley Quinn?"

"Not much. Normally, that crazy bint would not even be on my radar, especially while she was wrapped around the Joker's little finger. But she is a loose cannon, which potentially threatens my plans. In addition, she has been seen in the company of an old…acquaintance of mine. Tell me…does the name Harry Potter mean anything to you?"

"…Yes, it does," he said through gritted teeth.

"Ah…so my sources are correct. Let me put it into simple terms, Doctor Psycho. I will help you get back into the Legion of Doom. I have…associates there. I can even help you avenge yourself on those who hurt you, ensure that you stand amongst the upper echelons of the Legion of Doom. All I ask is for you to give me your complete loyalty, to Ginevra Riddle."

Dr Psycho stared at the red-haired young woman, baffled. Was this what he wanted? To willingly submit himself to a woman so he could get back into the Legion of Doom? Then again, it was the same for Harley Quinn, so he could swallow his pride, as long as…

Suddenly, Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones began playing, and the woman fumbled for a smartphone. "Sorry, just a moment," she said, her authority mostly gone, as she answered it. "Hello, Eunice, what's wrong?" She blinked. "They did what? Surely the extinguisher could…oh goddammit. Eunice, you had one job, to look after my kids while I had a little me-time. No, no…fine, I'll be back shortly, and you'd better have a good explanation for not keeping them under control, or you're not getting paid!"

She hung up, and then looked at Psycho, before sighing with a profound annoyance. "Being a supervillain and a single mother to rambunctious twins is hell on my health. I'll give you my card. We'll talk soon…"

CHAPTER 17 ANNOTATIONS:

So, the final part of the adaptation of Being Harley Quinn. But not the end of the mental world antics, as the next chapter will show.

So, kicking out Dr Psycho. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why, but a big reason is that I hate the little fucktard. Why does Harley let him into her crew in the first place? Because he has nowhere else to go. And yet, as a newly-liberated woman, you'd think the last thing she'd want to do is hire a rampant misogynist, especially after he admits, on national TV, that he basically mind-raped Giganta into being his wife. And considering what he does in the second season of the show, he was never that truly loyal to her in the first place.

Harley doesn't want to kick him out. But she knew Delphi and Luna from before she recruited Psycho, and they had become tentative friends. She also knows how much Harry and Ivy care about Delphi and Luna. Even if she doesn't believe Luna's story that Psycho tried to murder them, Harley knew that his threat towards them when they woke up was real. She gave him a choice and a chance that he didn't deserve. He threw it back in her face because his true colours were showing, and he'd rather find someone else who'd give him a chance…

Which is where Ginnymort comes in. I was debating with myself when the right moment to introduce her into the story came in. With Psycho kicked out of Harley's crew, it seemed like exactly the right time. They won't make a more substantial reappearance until later in the fic, but still…oh, and I also wanted to give her the right mixture of being a genuine threat…but also some comic relief of her own. Let's just say that childbirth was only the beginning of her regrets.

Oh, and before I go, I just watched Dune: Part One. Pretty damn good, though in terms of story adaptation, I personally think that the Sci-Fi Miniseries adaptation has it beaten. Then again, Timothée Chalamet is my personal definitive Paul Atreides now.

Review-answering time! Reads too much: I'm still deciding on how to handle the Cowled Reviewer part, as I'm still conceiving that part of the story. As for Jim, by which I presume you mean Commissioner Gordon, well, thanks to a certain bushy-haired witch who is moonlighting as a counsellor, he's in a slightly healthier headspace than in canon. I haven't revealed that tidbit in the story yet, though. I actually originally had it that Hermione does teaching work where Barbara Gordon goes to university, but I've dropped the idea in favour of the Oracle one…

Serafina Fairway: Look, it happens in the show, and despite it being Harley's own mind, the lockdown pretty much happens that way. Frank's line about Harley touching herself being stripper rules was Harley's in the episode.

nagiten: Uhh, what? No, I wasn't intending a reference to Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned at all. I was more thinking of a small moshpit.

saiyanhund: You know, your little rant would have had more of a point if you didn't get Delphi's age wrong. She's actually nine by the time this chapter occurs. True, she's seeing a lot she shouldn't, I will give you that, and she's ridiculously mature for her age, but that's a combination of her parents' genes and the fact that her adoptive parents are not only geniuses, but Luna's…very unconventional as a parent. I view her as basically having Magrat Garlick's open-mindedness combined with Susan Sto Helit's teaching methods, if you're at all aware of the Discworld and its characters.

And keep in mind, Harley Quinn IS a parody, albeit an affectionate one, of the DC universe. If you don't know that, then you've missed the point.

Lucius Walker: Honestly, I don't think Dr Psycho is that complex in the series. While his characterisation can be complex in the comics, here, he's pretty much a one-note misogynist. Yes, he has a bit more to him than that, but he is, as Luna pointed out, a walking Napoleon Complex who gives little people a bad name. Given what he does in the second series, it's safe to say he wasn't all that loyal to Harley in the first place.

Kaiya Azure: My point, or rather, Lister's point, still stands. And you got the deity wrong, I think. I'm pretty sure the Trojan Horse was actually a gift or offering to Poseidon, who is associated with horses as well as the ocean and earthquakes. Actually, The Inquisitor, the episode of Red Dwarf in question, was one of my all-time favourites. In fact, I think the fifth series of Red Dwarf was very much the zenith of the series…

1. Harley is paraphrasing Avon's insult to Tarrant from the Blake's 7 episode Sarcophagus.

2. Most of you probably heard it from the Mythbusters episode involving the rear axle stunt from American Graffiti, but Adam Savage was quoting The Dungeonmaster, something that's touched upon in Episode 11 of Something Witty Entertainment's Sword Art Online Abridged.