Chapter 4

Jarrod had every intention of just going home, but as he was heading to the livery stable to get his horse, he spotted Neil Joseph on the street, heading his way. They met head on and Jarrod immediately felt about two inches tall, regretting the way he had acted toward the man's wife. He had just thrown her rudely out of his office. Neil was probably going to slug him, and Jarrod suddenly thought he probably deserved it. Despite how sure he was that his feelings about fathering Clair's child were valid, he was already deeply regretting how he'd treated her. This whole thing was tangling him up in a big ugly mess inside. "Neil, I know what you're going to say – " Jarrod started.

"No, I don't think you do," Neil said, but he said it in such a calm voice that it took Jarrod by surprise. "Look, I was waiting for Clair when she came out of your office and I've sent her home. I was hoping I could talk you into coming there with me."

Now Jarrod almost rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Neil, I'm not going to change my mind – "

"I'm not going to ask you to," Neil said. "I'm just trying to apologize and save our friendship. Please – Clair and I accept your decision and we accept the fact that we've handled the whole thing poorly without considering your feelings enough. Can we just go talk, privately? I know we can't undo this, but can we just talk it out and maybe get past it?"

For the n'th time today, Jarrod sighed, this time with some relief in it. He valued his friendship with the Josephs. It was worth saving, and it was good to hear they felt the same way. But what was going to come up if they met again privately now? Jarrod wasn't sure but he finally said, "All right," but he resolved he would never do what they were asking, if they asked it again.

They walked together in silence the several blocks to the Josephs' house, a fine home in a good section of town. When they went inside, Clair was right there in the foyer. She looked distressed but she wasn't crying, and she didn't look as if she was afraid of the man who had thrown her out of his office. She looked apologetic. "I've put some coffee on," she said. "Jarrod, I'm so sorry – "

"No," Jarrod said quickly. "I'm sorry. I reacted rudely. I feel bad about that. It's just that this whole thing was surprising and it's taken a bigger toll on me than I realized."

"Then let's talk it out," Neil said. "Instead of us doing the talking this time, you say whatever you want to say."

"The kitchen table is a good talking spot," Clair said.

Jarrod nodded and let Neil usher him in there, following Clair. As he sat down at the table, Clair served him and Neil some coffee and sat down with them. Jarrod stared into his cup, not knowing how to begin. The Josephs were true to their word. They said nothing, just waiting to hear him out.

"I was completely shocked and taken aback by what you asked me to do," Jarrod finally said. "Not just because of the moral implications – though they're tough enough." He swallowed. He wasn't sure how to continue, but he finally looked up at them. "To ask me to father your baby – it was something that didn't even register properly with me. You could have knocked me right over."

"I know," Neil said. "We approached it poorly."

"No, that's not even what I mean," Jarrod said. He thought and he considered what he was going to say even more seriously than he'd consider arguing to a jury. "Neil – Clair – I do understand your desire to have a child. I do understand how deep it is and I do understand how frustrated you are that Neil can't father that child. I understand because I have the same desire myself, but it was with my wife, and Beth is dead – "

Just saying the words overwhelmed him and took his voice away. Jarrod was startled when Clair reached for his hand and took it. He looked up at her, surprised.

"That's what we didn't consider, and we're horrified that we didn't," Clair said. "When I came and spoke to you, I was all wrapped up in my own heart and trying to justify myself with a more lawyerly argument and that was absolutely the wrong thing to do."

Neil said, "Jarrod, we're sorry we even approached you with this. It was thoughtless and self-centered and we don't know how we can make it up to you."

Jarrod shook his head, squeezed Clair's hand and let it go. "There was no way you could know how deep my feelings run. I didn't know, and it didn't really hit me until you asked." He almost said right now I should be expecting my own first child with Beth but that can never happen, but he couldn't even keep those thoughts in his own mind, much less express them to anyone else. "I'm sorry, I don't know how to talk about this. Just – believe that I do understand how you feel and I'm as grief-stricken as you are that you can't have a child together. I too want to put the past couple days behind us and I don't want to lose a friendship I've valued for years. I don't know what you intend to do now or if you intend to ask anyone else for help, but I beg you, don't ask any of my brothers, and don't ask me to be guardian to any child you may have or have anything else to do with what you do now. I can't. I can't put this behind us unless it's all really behind us."

"Fair enough," Neil said. "We won't bring it up again, but – if Clair does become pregnant, you'll know everything. Is that going to put the bad feeling back into our friendship?"

"I really don't know, Neil," Jarrod said. "I'll certainly try not to let that happen, but – forgive me, I don't know how to explain everything to you. Just believe that I understand full well how you're feeling, and I don't hold it against you that you asked me or that you intend to go through with it with someone else, but I can't be part of it in any way. I'm sorry."

Clair nodded. "It's all right. We understand, and we're sorry we got you involved at all."

Jarrod finished his coffee and got up. Neil and Clair stood with him. "Why don't we call it a day? I need to head home anyway. Tomorrow we can start out new with this all behind us."

Neil extended his hand. Jarrod took it.

They parted company then, and none of them was completely sure that they could put it all behind them. But each of them knew they wanted to try. The problem was, the Josephs were sure they were not going to give up looking for someone who would help them, even if they were sure it wasn't going to be a Barkley.

"We can never tell him who we find, especially if we find someone he knows," Clair said after Jarrod left.

"That's pretty clear," Neil said.

XXXXXXX

When Jarrod got home, it was clear to everyone he was dragging just as badly as he'd been dragging the day before. Jarrod was well aware of his attitude and well aware his family was noticing but he still didn't know where to go with any of it. Even the talk with the Josephs – even though it eased his mind somewhat to let out even the very little he did and he thought the friendship would survive – he was still extremely uneasy. The trouble was, now he wasn't sure why.

He left the dinner table to take a walk, and as soon as he was out the door, Heath said, "Whatever's been eating him is still eating him."

"Something's happened in town, that's for sure," Nick said. "Some client got him all tied up or something."

Victoria didn't think that was the case. Jarrod was always good at separating himself from his clients' troubles. Whatever this was, it was personal, too personal for him to talk about. Yet.

Audra said, "It seems like he needs to talk but he can't. It must have something to do with a client."

"Maybe," Victoria said, but thought, maybe not.

After the withdrew to the library for some after dinner time and pool playing, they waited for Jarrod to come back in, but he didn't come. Victoria stepped outside and found him smoking a cigar on the verandah, out back where it was darkest, where he stood looking up at the stars. He heard her come out, glanced her way, but then turned back to the stars.

"I take it you still can't talk about it, at least not with us," Victoria said straight out.

"No, I can't," Jarrod said. "I'm not even sure what I'd say if I could."

"When we're not sure what to say, that's a clear indication we need to talk to someone."

"I can't talk to you about it, Mother," Jarrod said. Fathering the child of someone he wasn't married to was something Jarrod would never talk to Victoria about. Never.

"Have you considered talking to Rev. Johnson? He has a very good ear."

Jarrod had thought about it but wasn't sure how he could, or whether he should, given that he knew the Josephs had talked to him. But then he had a thought. San Francisco and Bishop Kip at Grace Cathedral. "You know, I think what I need to do is go to San Francisco, get some distance between me and my problem here. Would you mind?"

"No, of course not, you go there all the time," Victoria said.

"Not usually when it's so close to your birthday." He said it with a soft smile for her.

Victoria gave the smile back. "My birthday is still more than a week away. You may very well be back by then, and the best present you could give me is seeing that smile again more often."

Jarrod leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'll leave tomorrow and see if I can deliver that smile to you a lot sooner than your birthday."