Lee had a stupid ass look on his face.
It was a warranted stupid ass look, but stupid nevertheless. It went unnoticed by both Dusty and Trench, who she had just called "dad," but Barney was red enough in the face for Lee. He was wearing nothing but his boxers, staring at the both of them like a deer caught in the headlights.
Barney carefully pushed his way behind Trench and elbowed Lee's side, giving him that no-bullshit-Barney look. It snapped Lee back to the present, but he was still dumbstruck and lost.
"What are you-"
"I don't hear from you in months, and then I hear that you've-"
"Barney!" She was raging now. Lee could see that horrified fire in her eyes like he had before, and even he shuddered from the wrath that spilled across the room. He was glad it wasn't directed at him, but Barney shrunk.
"Ross didn't tell me shit," Trench said, voice low and dark. "Actually, that would've been preferable than over the fucking radio where-"
"Why are you here?" She yelled, fists clenched and tight.
"Because you made a mess!" Trench snapped back, just as venomous. Now that he was comparing the both of them, Lee seemed to get it. It made sense. "And I come here, and you are fawning over Christmas instead of dealing-"
"Woah, woah," Lee said, shaking his head. "I don't-"
Before anybody could react, Trench had a knife pulled and aimed at Lee's throat. Barney huffed and rolled his eyes.
"Was I talking to you?"
Dusty had enough. She stomped towards Trench and shoved his arm aside, away from Lee. She pried the knife from his hand and slammed it to the ground, the metal echoing throughout her small kitchen and entrance.
"You're talking to me, and I'm right here," she snapped. "A grown ass woman, who doesn't need her fucking father to-"
"To clean up your mess," Trench said, nodding with a feverish warmth in his face. "That group will be after you, with what you did. Do you even understand-"
"I'm perfectly safe with my team!" She said, veins bulging in her forehead and neck. "I'm perfectly safe with myself! I can handle myself!"
There was a waver in her words that Barney and Lee noticed, but it was subtle enough to fly by Trench's head.
Trench dropped his head and pinched his nose, similar to how Barney always did. Considering they had known each other a long time ago, it made sense they'd have some of the same mannerisms.
"Lee, go get dressed," Barney said, finally stepping between her and Trench.
Lee felt like protesting, but he knew he wasn't in a position to say or do much. He was one layer of fabric away from being naked. He disappeared into Dusty's bedroom and she turned to follow him, but Barney took her by the wrist.
"Dusty, come on, let's have it out."
"I'm not in the mood," she said, biting back the sting of tears coming over her. She felt like a little kid again, being scolded for playing too hard on the playground or cheating on a test. Trench and Barney both had that effect on her and in that moment she felt small and inconsolable, and she wanted nothing more than to boot them out of her apartment and close herself up in her bathroom. She'd sleep in the empty tub, curtain drawn, lights off.
"Amelia I was worried about you," Trench started, lifting his head up and looking at her over Barney's shoulder. Barney was tense, hoping he wouldn't have to break up any sort of fight.
She looked over both of them again and wondered how hard it would be to take them down and make a run for it. It was that fight or flight edge she'd been stuck in since she woke up, reliving what she did in first person, not the third person way she had experienced it.
"I'm a grown woman, not a kid," she said, saying it as much to Barney as she was to Trench. "Why can't anyone get that through their damn head?"
"Because-" Trench started and then paused, biting back his anger. "Because, you are still my daughter. I'm allowed to be worried about you."
She rolled her eyes.
"What?" Trench asked, masking the hurt.
"Don't act like it's my fault we haven't talked," she said, eyes burning into his. "You acted all fine and dandy when I first told you I was going to reach out to Barney, but the second I chose them? You were fucking pissed off. And okay, fine, maybe you wanted more for me, whatever that means. But it was my decision, and you stomped your feet and pouted like a goddamn toddler until the second I walked out."
Trench clenched his jaw and looked down at her.
"You were angry I'd choose your old friend, your rivals, over you-"
"Because you're my blood-"
"As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father!" She spat, and the words sent a silence over the room like the dust of an atomic bomb spreading over a city. Lee walked out from the bedroom, tugging his shirt down over his waist as he heard it and froze. Both Trench and Barney looked to her, Barney shocked and hurt, Trench like a wounded dog on the side of a road.
"My mother died and I showed up on your porch practically in a basket," she breathed, the tears catching. "You weren't a damn father, you were a drill sergeant. When you were even around, and not off killing people, assigning me targets to practice shooting at and guns to clean and knives to sharpen-"
Trench's face was set and hard. He did not know how else he could be a father, especially when she had arrived to him on such short notice.
This is our daughter, the note had said. Take her and raise her well. I would do it myself but by the time you read this I'll be dead.
"But this isn't about that," she hissed, fists shaking at her sides. "This is about how you have no right to storm into my life without asking me if it's alright and tell me how bad I fucked up when-" she choked back a sob, the tears beginning to spill over, out of her control- "when I fucking know I fucked up! I fucked up bad, Dad! I killed them all, by myself, and caused this huge damn problem because that son of a bitch deserved it. He deserved it! You didn't see what he did, and you would never, ever have to do what I did to stay alive. So you don't get to lecture me- you don't!"
Barney, Trench, and Lee all watched she as you exploded. This was it, Lee understood. Dam broken. Heart open. As vulnerable as a cadaver in a lab.
"None of you get to have a damn opinion on any of this. You see the worst shit, but you can walk it off and not sweat it because it wouldn't happen to you. I went there for the same reason I came here. I was running the fuck away. And this time, the running almost fucking killed me. You know how close I was to being sold? Sold! Like a fucking commodity! I killed all those sick bastards and I don't even care, there is not an ounce of guilt in me. And you know what? I think I feel so much fucking nothing because my entire life, dad, you raised me to be a killing machine. And Barney, if I wasn't at my best, ready to send my arrow into a guys eye from across a city and not get a single scrape on my skin, I was out on the street. You can't be angry at me for doing what I did when you bred this, neither of you. You just can't."
Lee leaned against the wall and thought over her words. There was weight to them. Everybody was always demanding the best from her under the guise that she was a young mercenary and one mistake could get her or somebody else killed, but that lack of wiggle room for error had turned her... deadly and hard. Murder flowed in her veins, coursing out and glowing red-hot, radioactive with her tears. He felt- no, he knew- that he was a part of that problem, too.
Trench and Barney were standing there looking at her, that stupid ass look on their faces now. Lee didn't dare move from his spot, hidden in his rigid stance.
"So this... This is a problem I would prefer to have, rather than being sold and abused for the rest of my life," she said, running out of breath. "They were going to track me down anyway. Now he's dead. He can't get me. His guys can try, but as long as he's dead, I'm fine. And you just can't understand that."
Barney parted his lips to speak but thought better of it.
"Why didn't you..." Trench tried, and Lee was shocked at low and sad he sounded. He had never witnessed him act that way before, but then again, he had only ever really crossed his path in field situations. "Why didn't you call and ask for help? Or tell someone?"
She dropped her head and her shoulders shook. There was a weight coming off of her, and she could feel it leaving.
"Because who did I have other than myself?" She asked, sniffing back her tears and holding up her chin, feigning strength. "Drill sergeant, daycare, and in-love-with-adulterer over there?" Lee felt his face flush red. He wasn't as invisible as he thought.
"You cut Gunner," Barney said finally. "This wasn't just killing them... This was a traumatic episode. You lost control. You-"
"I protected myself," she said, letting out one last deep, long breath. "My brain turned off because if it didn't, how else would I survive? But it's back on now. It's back on."
"How do we know it won't happen again?" Barney pushed.
She looked between him and Trench.
"I am not broken," she said, crossing her arms. "I don't need to be protected from anything, including myself."
Barney and Trench shared a nervous glance and then sighed, both nodding at their own pace.
"If I wanted a lecture, I would've asked," she grumbled, letting out another huff. "But I didn't, and you showing up here made me angry. And you bringing him," she turned to Barney, pointing out a finger, "made me angry too."
The roles had reversed suddenly. They were the guilty school children, and she was the one scolding them.
"I deserve to be trusted. I deserve to be treated as capable, and as an equal," she said. "Maybe I if I had that, none of this would've even happened to begin with."
The words stung. Lee could tell she felt bad about that, but it was something that had been weighing on her that needed to be let out into the air to breathe.
Trench took a step towards her and reached out a large hand, carefully stroking her hair at the top of her head. Eventually he folded her into his big arms and kissed the top of her head, holding her to him as though it would be the last time. In some ways, it felt like the first time he really saw her and really held her as his daughter, not an obligation.
"I'll be with Barney," Trench said, pulling back and looking down at her. "Where did the time go?"
She swallowed, offering him an eyebrow raised along her forehead and a shrug. He sighed and turned to go.
Barney kept his eyes locked on her, the gears in his brain churning at full speed. He hadn't known her as a child, only as an adult, but he had seen her change. Change from that small, skinny, proficient young woman to a strong and capable killer. She looked up at Barney as he looked over her and felt like even though Trench had raised her, Barney understood her better than her father ever would. She'd never admit that to anyone, because their rivalry ran deep and it'd probably be the straw that broke the camels back for Trench; but in more ways than one it was true.
He shifted forward and pulled her into a hug, looser than her fathers had been. He ruffled her hair a bit and then sighed, looking her over one last time.
"You alright, kiddo?"
She didn't mind the nickname. It made her heart feel warm, like no matter how dangerous she became, Barney would never be afraid of her. She swallowed and offered him a nod, pushing any negative thoughts away.
"Good," he said, giving her arm a squeeze before turning to meet Trench at the door.
They left and she felt lighter. Barney wasn't so much the weight pushing her down as her dad was. There was a lot she had never said to him that had spilled out all in one go, and she wondered if she had hurt him. It didn't matter, because he would get over it and realize she had only spoken the truth. But still, that little flame of guilt was rising and the heat nipped at her skin. She pushed it down with the ice in her chest and let out a deep breath.
Lee made his way to her, arms folded over his chest. It wasn't long ago she had fallen overtop of him, sobbing with the strength of a storm. He was cautious, but still hopeful that she would be a few more steps in the right direction.
"Hey," he said, his voice soft.
She let her arms collapse at her side and eyes fall to the floor. She felt numb to a degree- still lost. There was a beacon for her to follow out of the woods, a beacon in the shape of Lee, calling to her through the wind.
"Hey," she said, her voice much lower, softer than before. The tangled branches of her brain were a scary place, but she didn't want to give into the fear. She looked down at her hands. They were clean. There was no blood on them. Part of her longed for it, that violently beautiful deep red. Part of her lurched at the thought, disgusted.
Lee ran a hand over her cheek, lifting her chin so he could meet her eyes. He searched her face for a second, and then:
"Trench fucking Mauser is your dad?" He asked incredulous.
It took a second to process, but suddenly she was laughing. Lee joined in, eventually collecting her in his arms against his chest. They stood there in the kitchen with the cereal scattered on the floor, laughing in each others arms. It was warm and soft and fresh. It was good. That beacon in the woods got just a bit brighter, and she felt the biting wind calling her home.
"Lee?" She said, pulling back, a smile twitching on her lips.
"Hm?" He said, drawing in a breath, still looking at her in humorous disbelief.
"I love you, too."
He felt his face go pale, sheet white as the morning light flitting through the windows. A pit of embarrassment dropped into his gut and he tried to swallow it away, but the warmth that radiated from it spread to his chest and face and turned his pale skin red.
"You heard that?" He asked, thinking back to when he held her on the plane, whispering to her as she slept, telling her it would be okay.
"I did," she said with a nod, watching the blood spread across his cheeks. She remembered it this morning, when the rest of the world had fallen onto her and crushed her. She was in and out of sleep on the plane, but she heard his words occasionally. Maybe it was just luck that made her hear him say those words exactly, or maybe that was how fate would have it. Who knew?
Lee cupped her cheek again, his face suddenly much softer than she'd seen it before. His shoulders sunk and his lips parted, and he looked over the details of her eyes, her nose, and of every little pore and freckle.
"Did you mean it?" She asked, suddenly nervous that maybe he hadn't meant to let it slip out.
A smile played at his lips. He let out a breathy laugh and lowered his face closer to hers, hovering just above her forehead.
"I never meant anything more," he said. He pressed his lips to hers in a warm, delicate, hungry kiss. She kissed him back, relieved and happy.
"I love you," she said, pulling away, pressing her hands to his chest.
"I love you, too," he said, letting out a breath. He just wanted to hold her forever, the both of them finally on the same page after what felt like an eternity of dancing around it all.
"Can we... can we ice my ribs?" She asked, pulling back with a wince. Lee let her go and nodded, his relaxed expression flooding with worry.
"Yeah, yeah- are you alright? Did I hurt you?"
"No," she said, lifting up her shirt and running her fingers over the bruises. "It just hurts like a bitch."
He let a laugh slip from his lips as he tugged open the kit Barney had left by the door. He popped an ice pack and gave it a shake, placing it on her bruised ribs and letting his other hand trail around her waist. He dropped his head to the crook of her neck and breathed her in.
"Good?" He asked.
"Good," she sighed, resting against him.
Lee knew the physical injuries would heal in no time. He was confident that the way she felt mentally, in her head, would heal, too. It was only a matter of when.
"Do you remember when we first met?" She asked, resting into the cold of the ice pack in Lee's hand.
He hummed, pressing his nose into her hair. Of course he remembered. He didn't think he'd ever forget.
—-
The guys were all sitting around Tool's garage. Lee was resting on his Ducati, messing with his phone, texting Lacy. They had met not long before, and Lee found himself drawn to waste every second of his life that he wasn't working on her. Maybe, like with Gunner, he had an addiction. Maybe it was pushing the feeling of the life away.
A bike rumbled to a stop outside the shop, and instinctively Lee looked up to count the guys. All present.
"She's here," Barney said, standing with a grunt from his perch near Tool's bar. "Play nice, boys."
Lee scoffed and shook his head, turning his attention back to Lacy on his screen. Tool was sketching again, barely paying attention. Gunner, Toll, and Caesar all stiffened, unsure of how to approach the situation. They had unanimously voted yes, mostly out of curiosity. And here she was. The start of the end of their team, as most of them thought.
Barney went to the door and held it open while she approached, swinging her helmet by her legs and gripping the long bag that contained her bow and arrows. She offered him a tentative smile, not wanting to come off as too sweet. He smiled and held out a hand.
"Barney Ross," he said. "It's good to finally see you in person."
She smiled and shook his hand back. Firm grip, eye contact. At least her father had drilled these types of things into her on top of the training, and they'd work well on Barney, considering how long they had known each other.
"You can call me Amelia," she said. "And, likewise. Is this-" She looked around, focusing in on the neon sign above the door that said "tattoos."
"This is one of our home bases," he said, stepping through the doorway and motioning for her to follow. "Tool was one of us before he retired. He lets us hang around here with him."
She nodded, breathing in the stench of cigar smoke, booze, sweat, and cologne. Barney took the helmet and bag from her and placed it to the side, guiding her towards the guys with one hand hovering over her back.
"Guys," Barney said, looking over them carefully. "This is Amelia."
Gunner looked up first, taken slightly aback. He didn't know what to expect, but when Barney had said young woman, he half thought a teenage girl was gonna waltz in with a bad attitude. But that wasn't her. She was older, slim, and beautiful. She had a youthful look about her, but not so young that it would be creepy for him to be looking at her like this. He was the first to move, reaching his hand out.
"Gunner Jenson," he said, squeezing her hand in his. "It's nice to meet you."
She smiled and squeezed his hand back.
Caesar came up behind Gunner and gave him a pat on the back, stealing her attention. "A beautiful young woman like you really wants to kick it with a bunch of old dudes like us?"
She chuckled, "I know what I want in life."
"Hale Caesar," he said, shaking her hand and flashing her a shiny smile.
Toll was next. He shook her hand and offered her a wink.
"We're not all idiots," he said. "They call me Toll Road."
She nodded, smiling as he said his name.
That's when Lee walked over, hands in his pockets. She turned around to greet him, and he found himself admiring her. Sure, she was new, fresh-faced and clearly optimistic about where life was heading- but she was also quite beautiful.
"Lee Christmas," he said, holding out his hand. He took notice of how she hesitated when she looked up at him, and it made him want to laugh. A bit of a blush fell across her cheeks as she reached out and shook his hand.
"It's nice to meet you," she said.
"And you," he said, studying her face. She felt her cheeks heating up more and more. When she had seen him, something in her brain whispered "him." She tried to shut it up and shove it down, but she couldn't. Thankfully, Barney couldn't see her face, only the stirrings in Lee's eyes.
"Alright," he said, guiding her away from Lee. "Let's talk some things over."
"Right," she said, drawing in a breath and telling herself that she'd have to stay away from Lee.
"Come on old man, kid just got here," Lee said, following closely behind. "Want anything to drink?"
"No, I'm alright, thanks," she said, noticing the older man at the counter.
"This is Tool," Barney said, pulling out a seat for her. "Tool, this is Amelia."
He looked up and offered her a smile and a nod. He was drawing in his sketchbook, working out some intricate designs. She watched him carefully, intrigued.
"So you wanna be a merc?" Lee asked, sitting next to her. She sighed.
"I wanna try my hand at it," she said, glancing up at him but turning her attention back to Tool's art quickly. "I've spent my life learning how to do the things you do."
"No service, though," Barney said, flipping through the resume he had printed. "Anything?"
"No," she said, shifting slightly. "But I'm capable. I can pull my own weight."
"It's not just about fighting," Barney said, leaning on his elbow to face her. "It's also about cooperation. Teamwork. Endurance."
"If I can endure my father, I think I can endure just about anything," she chuckled. Barney smirked, nodding slightly in agreement. He hadn't told the guys who she was, mostly at her own request. She wanted to make her own way and not be tied down by Trench's life and work.
"How do we trust you with our lives, huh? How do we know you're not just a pretty face to look at?" Lee asked, earning a frown from Barney.
She turned to him and raised an eyebrow. "Pretty faces can come in handy, especially when they're deadly accurate."
Lee couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, though he still wasn't fully convinced.
"Why don't we put that to the test, princess?" He asked.
She felt the blood rush to her cheeks again and glanced around. "Sure," she said. "Pick your poison."
"You brought a bow, might as well use it. Hit that skull over there between the eyes."
She jumped off the chair and headed for her bag, tugging out her bow and a blunt arrow. She gave the string a stretch as they watched her, and she aimed from across the building. She held the bow up, pulled the string to her cheek, and let out a gentle breath. She let the arrow fly.
It thumped in right between the eyes, almost perfectly. If they had measured it, she assumed it would be close to even from each eye.
Lee nodded, trotting over to her and holding a throwing knife in his hand. He sent a wink her way and then turned, the knife landing in the right eye.
"I hope that's what you were aiming for," she said.
He turned to her, and after a second, all of the guys bursted out laughing. It made her smile.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
—-
Lee rested on the couch mindlessly playing with her hair. He had taken his shirt off but left the pants on this time, and she was pressed warm and lazily against his skin. He figured he could live the rest of this life like that if he needed to. Nothing more intimate than a hug, the feeling of her deep, sleepy breaths, and her hair between his fingers.
He wasn't sure if he recognized the man he'd become, but he was fine with who he was for the moment. He wasn't looking forward to the next job, knowing Barney would probably make her take some time off and lay low.
She lifted her head, looking over Lee's face. He met her eyes, looking at her down the bridge of his nose, still toying with her hair. She drew in a breath and sat herself up so that she was straddling him. She bent over at the waist so that she could press her forehead against his.
"What is it?" He asked.
She closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to his lips. It was calm and gentle, their mouths connecting softly and without any complications. She slid her hands up his chest until they reached his head, and she cupped his face between them and let out a sigh as she sunk into the kiss more. He kissed her back a little harder, his tongue drifting over her lips. She rocked her hips ever so slightly, scratching her fingers over the skin behind his ears. His hands found her waist and held it tight, the tips of his fingers tugging at her shirt.
She sat up straight, looking down at him, lips swollen and parted. She covered the backs of his hands with her own and guided them along her body, her eyes falling on his as he flickered between watching her and his hands. He licked his lips, desire stirring within him. She guided his hands to her chest, leaving them there so he could do what he wanted. He watched her, her head lulling back as she focused on the feeling of him beneath her and touching her, even through all of the layers of fabric.
"Come on," she said with a breath, cheeks warm. She climbed off of him and he pouted, reaching for her shirt. "Come with me."
He let her guide him up and drag him along to the bedroom. He watched her walk, her fingers laced around his, and suddenly wanted nothing more than to take all those clothes off of her and study every inch of her skin. He wanted to know everything about her inside and out.
She lead him to the bed, still unmade, and turned him so that his knees buckled on the edge. He sat back, catching himself with his hands so that he sat and watched her. She leaned forward and kissed him.
She stood in front of him and pulled her shirt over her head. His eyes fell to the bruises, but she didn't feel them in that moment. He ran a hand up her back and pressed his face against her chest with a pleasant sigh and breathed her in. She swallowed, trailing her hands up his body until they reached his neck, and carefully she tugged at his chin so he would look up at her.
His eyes were hungry, but still they begged the question: are you alright?
She nodded.
—-
She would've fallen flat over him if he didn't hold her up. Her eyes fell shut and she tried to catch her breath, seemingly sprouting wings and floating away from herself. Eventually he let her lay over his chest, head curled up at the crook of his neck. His hands were splayed out at his sides, occasionally twitching up to touch her back, as if to make sure she was still there and it was all real.
Nothing with Dusty was the way it was with Lacy. Everything with her had been just to fill a desire, a need. With Dusty, it was so much more: it was carnal, desperate, and made his body go numb. Maybe he had never really loved Lacy, because nothing with her was anything like with Dusty.
Her arms were limp around his neck, her bare chest pushing against his as she drew in deep, focused breaths.
He blinked himself out of his haze and lifted his arms to her back, running his dull nails over her skin, which was one hundred times more sensitive than normal in that moment. He let out a low, deep hum as he exhaled, running his fingers down her spine.
"Are you alright, love?" He asked, his voice just a distant whisper around them both.
"Yeah," she said, lips moving against his neck. "I'm okay."
He made a noise to mean "good" and continued rubbing her back, pressing his lips to her shoulder to lazily kiss her skin.
Eventually she sat up and looked down at him through sleepy eyes, her ribs sore and aching. He tucked an arm behind his head and watched her examine him, his chest and stomach coated in sweat and veins popping. It sent another wave of warmth through her body, so she leaned forward and kissed him, urging him to roll her over. He did, swiftly placing a hand on the small of her back so she didn't hit the bed too aggressively. He looked down at her with a tired smile and pressed a soft, happy kiss to her lips.
"Are you sure you're alright?" He asked, worried slightly as his body and mind calmed. The last two days had been exceptionally difficult for her.
"Right now, never better," she said. "There's something cathartic about making love to somebody your father held a knife to."
He scoffed, "he wouldn't stand a chance."
"I know," she smiled, whispering it as though it were a secret just between them both. Lee laughed and dropped another kiss to her lips, holding himself over her the way he loved to do so much.
"Cathartic, huh?" He asked, lowering himself to nibble gently on her neck. She sighed and wrapped her legs around his waist.
"Very," she said.
"Then maybe we shouldn't ever stop. You know, if it makes you feel better."
She let out a little laugh as he continued to kiss her. "Maybe."
He smirked, trailing his tongue down her stomach and navel, until he planted a kiss to her inner thigh.
"If it makes you feel better, then darling, I'll never stop."
Life could wait. They had a lot of time to make up for.
To be continued...