1. An Unwitting Sleepover!

(The Ao3 Synopsis) Listen Kyoya is my favorite and this shit is turning out interesting as fuck so if you are interested in having a scary dark time centered around the most amazing onion-layered business nerd ever seen and going weirdly in depth in a kind of twisted way of what makes up the character of every member of the host club, sign yourselves the fuck up.

(A/N) Welcome! Imagine being the nerd still posting OHSHC fanfic on this website in 2022. Hopefully this fic turns out more nuanced than it sounds, because honestly, I find this whole premise really interesting. Never read the manga (not yet at least), so this is based purely on what can be gathered in the anime. Anyway, I need sleep, go nuts, please be kind, this is purely for the fun of it. God the formatting on this site is just the worst.

"Happy birthday."

XXX

Kyoya woke up on his birthday without much ceremony. He wished he'd gone to sleep earlier, or, in a better scenario, been able to sleep later. He got out of bed and ready for school. He ate in the dining room, in his customary seat at the long table. His father wished him good morning and nothing else.

He didn't care. They never celebrated birthdays much in the Ootori group. He wasn't even sure if the rest of his family knew when his was.

He was expecting some well-wishes and a gift from Tamaki when he got to school - in which Tamaki had definitely delivered. Tamaki had always been insistent that birthdays were one of the most important days of the year. Unfortunately for Kyoya, this meant it became his job to lug his schoolbag, a giant, incredibly ornate vase of roses, and a stuffed cat up the stairs to the clubroom.

He was not expecting anything from anyone else. It would be a hassle, anyway.

Well.

"Hey Kyoya," said Tamaki casually, after everyone had changed into their costumes - demon cosplay for Kyoya's special day, Tamaki thought it was hilarious when he came up with it - "I was thinking, we should have a sleepover this weekend."

"We had one three days ago."

"Yeeah, but it's your birthdaay," whined Tamaki. Kyoya raised an eyebrow.

"The weekend is a few days off," said Kyoya. "My birthday is today."

"Well, we have to have time to properly celebrate!" said Tamaki. He sidled up to Kyoya and tucked himself into his side, burying his face in Kyoya's cheek.

"You're clingy today."

"It's your birthday," murmured Tamaki into his skin.

Loud enough for Haruhi to hear, judging by the fact that she repeated, "It's Kyoya-senpai's birthday?" almost immediately, to the hearing range of the entire rest of the room.

"What?" said Hikaru.

"It's Kyoya-senpai's birthday?" said Kaoru.

Kyoya pushed up his glasses. "Yes, it is," he sighed, irritated. "Not that it's any of your business. This moron just makes it out to be more important than it is, don't give it a second thought." He gave Tamaki a little shove, completely brushing past Tamaki's offended exclamation, in order to pull his little black book back out of his pocket. Was his schedule up to date?

"It is important, Kyo-chan!" said Honey, dancing over. "Why didn't you tell us? We should celebrate!"

"Don't worry about that," said Tamaki, his ego fully recovered. He jumped right back in and looped his arm around Kyoya's shoulders. "I've got it all planned out… Which is why we should have a sleepover this weekend."

"You know," said Hikaru, "that's a really good idea, Boss."

"Yeah!" agreed Kaoru. "We've never been to Kyoya's house before."

"His birthday would be the perfect time to fix that."

Kyoya could feel a headache coming on. "No," he said. "I'm busy."

Tamaki straightened up. "Yeah you guys," he said, fingers digging into Kyoya's shoulder, victorious. "He's way too busy to- wait, so I can't come over?" Tamaki's dandelion hair almost appeared to wilt. "I'm your best friend!" he whined.

"You'd come over anyway."

Tamaki's immediate grin was blinding. "Awwwe, you love me~"

"We should be able to come over too, Kyo-chan!" said Honey. "It is your birthday!"

"It is your birthday," affirmed Mori.

"Yeah senpai," said Hikaru.

"It is your birthday, after all," said Kaoru.

"It's only natural we celebrate your birthday together, you know," the twins said together.

"As our vice-president, it is a club celebration," elaborated Hikaru.

"Yeah!"

"Mm."

"Kyoya doesn't even like large group activities!" protested Tamaki. "There's no way that would be an adequate way to celebrate if he wouldn't even enjoy the event-"

"The idea is ridiculous," agreed Kyoya. Resigned, he gave up on his notes and shut the book. "Besides, if it were to be a 'whole club celebration', Haruhi would still have responsibilities that take precedence in this situation, so that's one member down."

"Actually, Kyoya-senpai," Haruhi piped in, "I thought it sounded kind of nice. I'm sure I could make some time for it if it's happening."

Ah, hell. The only reason these morons would want to get together in the first place, vouching for it. There's no getting them off his back now. Ever so slowly, Kyoya's eyes turned to Haruhi, his eyes vicious. To her credit, she only twitched when faced with an expression that promised to freeze her body solid before melting the remains, if such a thing were possible.

He turned back to the rest of the club. They all looked at him expectantly. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Haruhi, you'll need the address. It starts at eight."

The club cheered.

Oh well. It's a little more chaos and a little less productivity than he'd hoped for this weekend, but when Tamaki's one's best friend, one gets used to it. It's not as though he truly minded, anyway. There was a reason he hung out with these idiots.

XXX

It didn't start at eight.

Tamaki rolled up to the Ootori gates at five sharp, ever the first arrival. Immediately, Tamaki plunked them straight on the couch and cuddled up, tucking them both securely under a blanket, which had Kyoya considering asking Tamaki if something was going on at home. He didn't. Tamaki seemed perfectly content as he was, anyway.

At about six-thirty, a maid knocked on the door to tell them that the Hitachiin brothers had arrived. Thanks to her, both friends had time to prepare themselves before the twins burst in with an exuberant "Happy birthday, Kyoya-senpai!" and two servants wheeling in two enormous and equally ridiculous gifts.

"Wow, your father really went for the modern look, huh, senpai?" said Kaoru as a greeting.

Hikaru pushed one of the presents even closer to the couch. "Yeah, ours is way more traditional. Yours is all glass and straight lines!"

"Now open our gifts!" They said together.

Tamaki buried himself further into Kyoya's side, glaring. "Boys, can't you read the room? Obnoxious, the both of you."

"...Uh…"

"...You're one to talk, Boss…"

"Oh, quiet, all of you," said Kyoya. He wiggled back to sit up a bit, much to Tamaki's displeasure. "What are those monstrosities?"

"Open them and find out!"

The gifts in question were probably taller than Mori, and visually louder than anything else in the room. The wrapping paper was a messy victorian pattern of yellow, orange, red, and green. The boxes were stacked on top of each other, reminiscent of a layer cake, and decorated around the edges with silver spangled strings that pointed in various directions. One, the closest, was tied with a ribbon in a horrendous shade of hot pink. The other, which was closer to the door, rocked a ribbon in an equally abhorrent shade of teal blue. Overall, they were both incredible eyesores, although that was probably the point.

"Must I?"

"Yes, senpai," said the twins. Tamaki seemed as though he was about to pop a vein in his eyeball.

"Fine, I guess," said Kyoya. With the last protesting whine of Tamaki's, Kyoya stood up off the couch, walked over to the first gift, which he supposed would be Hikaru's, and plucked the top box out of its eye-watering prison.

The first boxes from both twins were filled with cash. The second ones were full of stationary supplies, packed with top-notch designer pens and sleek-looking notebooks. The third, largest boxes were full of… sex toys.

"For all your hobbies!" the Hitachiin duo beamed. Tamaki did not appreciate the joke.

By the time Tamaki about finished yelling at them, Honey and Mori arrived, bearing a simple, yet cutesy, cake box filled with various gourmet treats. Kyoya thanked them, and didn't hide this box underneath his bed.

Haruhi was the only one to arrive on time.

It had already been decided that the sleepover was going to happen "commoner-style". Haruhi made her offense clear when she discovered six extra downy mattresses fitted with expensive bed clothes that had been arranged on the floor around Kyoya's bed.

"Did you really think we were going to sleep straight on the floor?" asked Kyoya condescendingly. "Like it wouldn't be uncomfortable?"

"You know, most people don't really have a choice, senpai," grumped Haruhi.

"We do, though. I don't know if you've noticed, Haruhi, but we prefer to pretend here."

"Oh really? Then why is it that I always see you stressed?"

The question surprised Kyoya. It wasn't the kind of pure earnestness that one would get from innocent curiosity, the only kind Kyoya had ever seen Haruhi exhibiting. Rather, it was the kind of question that suggested that Haruhi saw an opportunity to cut right down to his core - and wanted to.

Kyoya shifted uncomfortably, the frog under the scalpel.

"Aaaagh!"

Never a dull moment in the Ouran host club.

The twins had gotten into his dresser, and, from what he could tell, had started a fight with his clothing. Tamaki was the one who screamed - he was on the floor, one of Kyoya's shirts wrapped around his face like a sprung trap. He'd fallen over the back of the couch, judging by the fact that one of his legs stayed tangled on it. Mori chased the twins around the room, frantically righting things the twins had knocked out of place.

"Brilliant, aren't they," remarked Haruhi sarcastically. Kyoya made a tired noise of consensus.

"I'll pay you to make them stop," said Kyoya, half-joking.

"Like you couldn't do it yourself."

He was in for a long night. Happy birthday to him.

Honey ran up to greet them as they reached the landing of the stairs. "Boy, Hika-chan and Kao-chan always take it the extra mile, huh," he commented cutely. Haruhi made a face and walked towards her overnight bag. Rude.

"I wish they wouldn't," sighed Kyoya. "They're so thoughtless, they don't even have the common decency to respect my things."

"Yeah," said Honey. "Hey, how about we have some cake? I brought some I really think you'd like. I promise it's really yummy!"

It was at that very second that one of the twins took the prerogative to miss their shot, and so, a pair of Kyoya's jeans hit their owner right in the face.

"KYOYA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?! You shady twins, when I get my hands on you-"

"Hey, you didn't stop us, Boss-"

"Let me," deadpanned Mori. Without pomp nor ceremony, he took both twins by the scruff of their necks and began to drag them off.

"...Hey, Kyoya?" said Tamaki, hand touching his shoulder. Kyoya turned to glance at him - between them, looks and touches made up more than half of their conversations. Tamaki brushed his fingers against the back of Kyoya's hand. "Do you want to go to the second parlor for a little bit?"

"I really think we should have some cake," interjected Honey. "Please? I had this cake made special for your birthday, Kyo-chan, we shouldn't waste it."

"We might as well," said Kyoya, taking his hand back. "I'm fine, Tamaki, everything's being handled."

Honey cheered excitedly and ran off to grab the box, while Tamaki and Kyoya sat down on the undisturbed couch. Or rather, Tamaki sat on the couch, and then pulled Kyoya onto his lap.

"Oomph." Kyoya twisted around. "Do you want to go to the parlor?" he asked. "You've been awfully affectionate, even by your standards."

"I'm fine as long as you're fine," dismissed Tamaki.

"Okay! Try this, Kyo-chan!"

Instead of handing Kyoya the plate, Honey held out a fork loaded with a bit of what looked like cheesecake. When Kyoya went to take it, he pulled it back.

"Uh uh! I wanna feed it to you!"

Sorry, what?

Tamaki's arms tightened around Kyoya's waist. "Why on earth would you want to do that?" he asked.

Honey didn't even glance at Tamaki.

"Why would you want to do that?" repeated Kyoya. Honey smiled.

"Because it's your birthday!"

"No it's not-"

"My birthday was on Wednesday, Honey-senpai," said Kyoya.

"But we're celebrating it today," said Honey, eyes narrow. Kyoya felt very confused. Why was this so important? He couldn't remember anything about feeding someone cake being a part of the Haninozuka birthday rituals - in fact, generally, the Haninozukas didn't involve cake at all.

It was a ridiculous thing to argue about, anyway. "Alright then," he said, and opened his mouth slightly, feeling clownish. Honey grinned so wide his face might split, and carefully guided the fork into Kyoya's mouth.

The cake had a sweet-and-sour balance that he hadn't been expecting. With the whipped cream that decorated the cake, it was incredibly delicious. "Mm," he said, surprised.

Honey tilted his head cutely. "It's key lime," he explained. "I know you don't really like sweet things."

Tamaki's arms were a boa constrictor. It was starting to hurt.

"Well, thank you," said Kyoya. "You were right, I liked it."

The creak of the door opening broke the quiet. The twins entered silently. Kaoru seemed perplexed… had Mori dragged them outside?

"Hey guys!" greeted Honey, forgetting all about the cake. He skipped over to Mori and grabbed his arm. "All done?"

"Yeah."

"So, what'd we miss?" asked the twins.

"Nothing much," said Tamaki. "I was just thinking, we might want to go down to the kitchen and get some snacks. A movie should be in order by now, isn't it?"

"Mm, that sounds like a good idea," said Haruhi, heading back towards the group. "I was just getting hungry."

"Yeah, we might as well," said Hikaru.

"We do want to see what your kitchen looks like, Kyoya-senpai."

"It just looks like the rest of my house," said Kyoya. He pushed himself up off of Tamaki, and then held out a hand. Tamaki grinned as he took it. "Shall we?"

"Okay!" exclaimed Honey. "Let's see your kitchen, Kyo-chan!"

"Kitchen! Kitchen!"

Kyoya needed a nap.

XXX

They got through two movies and almost all of the food by the time the twins started getting antsy. Unfortunately, the extended break wasn't much of a relief when it came to them.

"Truth or dare."

Kyoya didn't trust those faces in the slightest. He was outvoted.

After some minor harassment, the entire club sat on pillows stolen from the couch, and placed haphazardly on the floor. Tamaki had broken Kyoya's personal space bubble yet again, the twins' legs were tangled together, and Honey had taken a hold of Kyoya's arm for no particular reason that Kyoya could concern, considering that Usa-chan was securely held in the other.

"Okay, we all know the rules, right?" asked Hikaru, hand resting casually behind his head. "I'm going first. Tamaki-senpai, truth or dare?"

"What, me? Uh- truth."

Hikaru's grin promised chaos. "You sure, boss?"

Tamaki glanced at Kyoya, panicked. Kyoya rolled his eyes.

"...Yes…?"

"Okay, if you're sure," said Hikaru. "You and Kyoya talk, right? What's the worst thing he's ever shared with you?"

Tamaki looked like he was going to swallow his tongue. Kyoya made sure he felt the stare boring into the side of his blond skull.

"I… Well, he… He has a lot of family issues…"

This might have been the most ashamed he'd ever heard Tamaki. Also, he was strongly regretting his loose tongue during the multitude of times Tamaki had kept him awake well past his limits, until the exhaustion had made him sleepy and stupid.

Would the other hosts stop fucking looking at him like that?

"Close your mouths, it's not like I'm the only one here with daddy issues," said Kyoya, just to have something to say. The room collectively inhaled. For fucks sake.

"Okay," Kaoru broke the ice, "not the lightest note to start on. Your turn, boss."

"Yes, right," said Tamaki, clearing his throat. "How about… uhm, Mori-senpai? Truth or dare?"

Mori raised an eyebrow. "Dare," he grunted.

Tamaki's face brightened, sly and confident. "Okay then, Senpai, if you're positive… then… act like a puppy and go around the room to greet each and every one of us!"

After a second of internal preparation, Mori carried out the dare, much to the entertainment of the twins. Mori called on Kaoru next in retaliation. Kaoru chose truth, and ended up revealing that he genuinely enjoyed his mother's line of work which… okay. After that, Kyoya was made to inform the club that he had never actually kissed anyone before. Hikaru tried to lick his elbow while singing a love song, which was awful. Honey recounted a dream he'd had, in which he'd lost his secret sweet stash to a seal in Okinawa and had to turn into a mermaid with Mori in order to get it back. Apparently he'd woken up before he'd actually completed the quest, which ruined his day.

"Anyway, I guess the only person who hasn't gone yet is Haru-chan! Haru-chan, truth or dare!"

There was no response. Kyoya lifted his head from where he'd gradually reclined over the course of the game to look around the room - there was a distinct lack of Haruhi anywhere he could see.

"When was the last time any of us saw Haruhi?"

"Uhm," said Tamaki, brow furrowed and pinky resting against his mouth. "I think… she'd said she was going to the bathroom? Right before the end of the movie."

"Did she not find it?" asked Hikaru incredulously.

"Mansions would be confusing for a commoner, wouldn't they?" speculated Kaoru. "Should we look for her?"

Kyoya pushed up his glasses, feeling mildly irritated. "It's my house, I'll look for her," he said. "Tamaki, coming?"

Tamaki beamed.

"Oh, don't worry about us, Kyoya-senpai. It's not like we want to help," snarked Hikaru.

"Why can't we come?" asked Honey, lip wobbling.

"You'll be fine," said Kyoya. "Just put on another movie or something. We'll be right back."

"You sure?" checked Mori.

"Yes." God, his head was throbbing. Kyoya was beginning to empathize with overworked mothers a little too much.

XXX

"I'm sorry. This isn't what I wanted for your birthday."

"It's fine, Tamaki," dismissed Kyoya. Tamaki shifted his golden head to face him, expression open and uncomfortably unguarded.

"It really isn't," he murmured earnestly. "I know this sort of thing stresses you out, and I know the club puts a lot on your plate. I shouldn't have suggested this when I did."

Kyoya tilted his head. "Why did you?"

"I…" Was Tamaki aware they were approaching their piano's room? (It didn't really matter if it was technically his father's property. Since the moment Tamaki had played for them, had begun to play for him, that piano had been theirs.) The sudden break from the host club's antics, the heavy quietude that pressed on them in the dark air like a weighted blanket gave everything a dreamlike quality, like Kyoya's head had been dunked underwater. "I don't really know. I knew I wanted to do something good for your birthday, something big and nice. It just… I didn't really have any ideas until we had started changing, and even then, this was my idea, I don't even know… My head's just been so fuzzy lately, I can't really concentrate…"

"Yes, I've noticed that too," said Kyoya. "The whole club has been acting a bit strange since they realized they could celebrate my birthday, but you've just been so…"

"I'm sorry."

"Really, don't worry about it." A pause. They'd reached the second parlor. Haruhi was still nowhere to be found. "If you want to make it up for me, you could play me a song."

Tamaki's face lit up. His gemstone eyes brightened. Watery moonlight filtered through the open door, the entire house was made of windows.

"You've got yourself a deal, my friend."

And so they went in, and sat on the bench together, the winter moon their only source of light, and Tamaki's fingers began to move delicately across the keys.

The song he'd chosen was sweet and mellow. It made Kyoya's chest hurt.

"Oh, there you are. Your house is too big."

And the moment was broken.

Haruhi stood in the doorway, casually flipping on the lightswitch. Both boys blinked the sudden light out of their eyes ungracefully, strongly reminiscent of star-nosed moles.

"I can't find my way around here at all. This place is a maze," complained Haruhi. "Can you help me get back to your room? I want to go to bed."

XXX

Kyoya opened his eyes the next morning while the sun was still fat and low in the pink sky, his whole room bathed in golden flames. He was absurdly warm.

A quick check of his surroundings told him why - over the course of the night, every single host member had moved from their exquisite mattresses and rich bedding on the floor, to his king-sized bed. And they were all too close.

Tamaki's hand curled tighter into his shirt as Kyoya squirmed. Haruhi had wedged her face directly into his ribs, the twins had brought their blankets to lie on his feet.

It was much, much warmer than he was used to. His circulation was always poor enough during the night to allow his sheets to cool. Slow and lazy as a cat in the sun, the warmth enveloped him sweetly, and he was lulled back to sleep.