Therapy Day was always a weird day on the island. After the first few times somebody had had a meltdown, Hajime, Nekomaru, and a few others had decided it was best if they did group therapy together. It was weird, because literally nobody wanted to do it, but everybody came over anyway because it did make them feel better and they all agreed that if they were going to hope to make up for what they did, they had to be okay first. They were no good to the world if their mental states fell into decline again. Hajime generally led the sessions, with Nekomaru acting as backup. They were the ones who were the most stable and had the most counseling skills. Every week, Saturday nights, for the last four months, everybody gathered in the restaurant, snacks provided by Teruteru, and they just sort of… talk things out. It had been pretty effective so far. Except, one month in Nekomaru noticed that Hajime never really shared. Two months in Fuyuhiko, Peko, and Ryota noticed, and Kazuichi noticed the next month. By the fourth month everybody else had figured it out from Kazuichi asking them about it. And so, a plot formed, well not so much of a plot as preparation for an intervention if just asking to share didn't work.

"Alright, so is there anything else?" Hajime asked, already starting to stand before actually looking at the group, seeing that they weren't also starting to stand, and sitting back down. "There is?"

"Hajime, is there anything you want to share?" Nekomaru asked and everybody looked at Hajime expectantly.

"Not really, but I don't think that was the answer you were looking for…" He scanned the room in a way that they could tell he was analyzing the situation. "Right?"

"You never share anything at the meetings!" Ibuki blurted out with absolutely no tact. "It's weird!"

"Yeah, I mean you are always talking about how therapy is good for us, that we need to talk our traumas out to work through them?" Fuyuhiko leaned forward in his chair to glare at Hajime in disappointment. "Or does that not apply to you?"

"I never said that, I just don't really have anything to share." Hajime was lying, he knew he was lying, and he wasn't even sure why he was lying, because there were several people in this room that could tell when he was lying.

"Don't lie in therapy, Hajime, therapy is an honest, judgement free zone, remember?" Nekomaru said, trying to get things back on track before things got out of control. If Hajime was one of his athletes, this would be a time where he would need quieter reassurance, given his personality, and he needed to make sure the others maintained a good environment, or he might bolt.

"I know, but… I don't really need therapy, I'm fine most of the time, and I've got a lot less to deal with than the rest of you." That was true, Hajime had learned pretty quickly that his 'classmates' had done some pretty fucked up shit, and sure he had seen some of it, but he couldn't watch all of them at once. "The most traumatic thing that happened to me was probably becoming Izuru and I can't even remember that yet." That was also true. Those memories in particular were still evading him.

"Yeah, but you still saw a bunch of horrible stuff during the Tragedy, that had to have affected you at least a little bit. Plus, your rather significant personality change, you have to be shaken. We just want to help." It was Mahiru, saying that, trying her best to speak in a soft voice.

"Look, I'm fine, I don't even have all my Izuru memories. A lot more of the painful stuff is still blocked off." That was true as well, though it didn't really make the stuff he did remember any less painful. He had to survive in a hellscape of his own making, and that sucked. He had done a lot of terrible things that he hadn't felt bad about because he was, well, Izuru. He felt bad about it, but not like in the way that he did it, it was more like he felt guilty like how somebody might feel after watching a horrific accident. There was a disconnect. He couldn't really give them what they want. He wouldn't talk about something and have a cathartic cry, he'd explain something and maybe look a little guilty. "Is this really that important to you?"

"Yes." Was the group's collective response.

"Just share one little thing, man, we just want you to try." Fuyuhiko said, gesturing vaguely. Hajime sighed in resignation. Fine.

"I once killed man during a dispute over food. I was traveling between cities after watching Peko and Fuyuhiko mow down a small rival gang that had popped up, when I finally realized I was hungry and managed to find some food." Hajime looked at his toes with guilt in his eyes, looking more like a child that was found taking cookies from the jar than an adult man talking about murdering a stranger. "I had food, he wanted it, we got in an altercation. I tried using defensive techniques to be as neutral as possible, so that he would tire himself out, but I got… bored." He shuddered a bit. The topic of boredom was touchy with him, because he might not remember everything, but he remembered enough. "I ended things quickly, snapped his neck. His face had the same feral look he had attacking me, frozen on his face when he hit the ground. I kept eating my food. A rice bun, it was a rice bun." He hesitated in looking up. He didn't really want to see their faces. Would they be disappointed, or something worse. He slowly peeked up. They weren't looking at him with disappointment or disgust. Just various amounts of understanding, and sympathy.

"And how did that make you feel?" Hajime sucked in a breath and shut his eyes. This was the part he dreaded.

"Not much? Just cold detachment. Even remembering it, I don't feel bad. It's more like watching a car accident." Hajime didn't dare look up. He couldn't risk seeing them look at him like a monster, because they might have done worst things, some unspeakable things, but at least they had the good sense to be traumatized by it, to feel horrible about it.

"You think that's because of Izuru? Maybe you are just having a disconnect from what all happened because Izuru is like a different person, but he's also you, so your brain doesn't know how feel? It's all scrambled." Ibuki said, and Hajime looked up, confused that they all seemed unfazed that he had admitted to killing a man in cold blood and not feeling all that bad about it.

"It's something like that, I think?" Hajime rubbed the back of his neck. "It doesn't help that I've been having some mild… issues with empathy since merging with Izuru."

"They did poke around in your brain a lot, didn't they? Didn't you mention something like that? That they suppressed your emotions and personality to make you some kind of perfect talent container?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true." Hajime sighed, but it was still bothering him. Didn't not feeling terrible make him a monster? He knew it was terrible, the things he did, that he witnessed, and he wanted to make up for it like everybody else on the island, but it was different. They all felt terrible, they were traumatized. He just… knew he did something wrong, that he broke something and he had to fix it. He felt worse that he didn't feel bad about helping bring on what was functionally the apocalypse then he did about actually doing it. Should he tell them? They had shared a lot with him. They trusted him, a lot more than they probably should, given the part he had in the worst things that ever happened to them. But he owed it to them to share, right? They all shared, and it helped them, so it should help him, right? "It… that I don't feel bad? That doesn't make me a monster?"

The response was a jumbled mess of denials, all smashing together. A few people stood up to try and reach Hajime, but as soon as the chaos had erupted Nekomaru and Mahiru stood up to settle everybody back down.

"Hajime, you aren't a monster because you don't feel bad. You had a terrible thing done to you. It's like we've been talking about for weeks, the things we did while we brainwashed were terrible, but we were brainwashed, we didn't have full control of ourselves. If we are going to try and do the right thing a fix what we broke while we-" Nekomaru started, though the others seemed eager to get their words in.

"But I wasn't brainwashed! That's the problem, I did horrible things, not because I was brainwashed into spreading despair, but because I wanted to. Out of curiosity, out of boredom. You all at least have a decent excuse, and you have the decency to feel terrible what you did. I… don't. Even now that I have most of my old personality back, whatever they did to my brain… I just can't... The part of me that is Izuru doesn't feel bad because it all made sense, made things almost interesting, and the part of me that is Hajime doesn't feel bad because I have a weird disconnect from it and whatever they did to my brain makes it almost impossible to feel as bad about it as I should. So, both the parts of me that are me are bad, and-" Hajime rambled, resuming staring at his feet and gesturing with his hands, making less and less sense as he went on.

"Do you think we are monsters?"

"What? No." Hajime was abruptly brought out of his spiral by Nagito.

"The way I see it, you doing bad things as Izuru is the same us doing bad things when we were brainwashed. Izuru was just an emotionless, talented version of you, wasn't he?"

"Sort of." Hajime still had issues with deciding just what Hajime was, because he was him, but not really, and now he and Izuru are fused together, making the line even blurrier than it already was. He might be living as Hajime, but he was still Izuru… sort of. He doesn't even mind being called Izuru that much, though none of his 'classmates' ever did so. They liked regarding him as a whole separate entity.

"So, you weren't really yourself, even if you had your reasoning intact." Nagito said, putting on the weird air of confidence that he puts on exclusively when he's about to out smart someone. "When he were brainwashed we weren't in control, but we were just more twisted versions of ourselves. Just like when you were Izuru you were just a more twisted version of yourself. Sure, you had more… lets call it control, but the way I see it the two aren't really any different."

"I guess, but it's more complicated than that, because you guys aren't brainwashed anymore, you aren't about to go spreading despair or kickstarting the apocalypse again. I, on the other hand, am still Izuru, Izuru and I are one person now, I still get bored because of how predictable things get. I'll probably have issues with empathy for the rest on my life because of the poking around they did in my brain. My brain will never work the same ever again. It's not over for me. Yes, Hajime isn't responsible, and I'm living as Hajime, but I'm still Izuru, and Izuru is responsible." Hajime looked down again. This is exactly why he hadn't said anything before, this exact conversation. He could hear the others start protesting again, which he figured would happen. It was loud, and he wanted to disappear, to get away from here. His brain provided him with a list of talents he had that could help do just that. That would work. So he did.

And so, Hajime just sort of vanished, at least that's how it looked to the others. The room went silent, staring at the spot where he once was.

"How did he did he do that!?" Ibuki broke the silence, gesturing at Hajime's empty chair.

"He's fast, and he has literally every talent ever. There are about a dozen ways he could have disappeared, and he won't be found unless he wants to." Peko sighed, leaning back. "I told you he would run. We should have let him talk about it at his own pace."

"It's not fair that everybody else has to confront what happened, but he gets to be all vague about it." Fuyuhiko grumbled.

"Hajime cares about us all a great deal, he would have opened up eventually on his own."

"There is no point in having this fight now, it's now with. We just need to be patient and wait for him to reappear." Nekomaru said, standing up.

Nobody saw head nor hair of Hajime all week. His work was still getting done, for the most part, so that wasn't really an issue. Though, everyone was a little weirded out that he could get all that done without anybody catching a glimpse. It wasn't a surprise, but it was very strange. Eventually, Therapy Day rolled back around, everybody sat down, everything was quiet. One could almost feel the group collectively wonder if Hajime would show up, and then he just walked in the door, like he hadn't been MIA for a week.

"Oi! Where was your pathetic ass? You think can just stroll in here like that shit last week didn't happen?" Hiyoko sneered at the former Ultimate Despair and several other members cringed, worrying about driving him back away. The person sat next to her shushing her harshly.

"I think what she was trying to say was," Mahiru said, standing with an uneasy, apologetic look on her face. "We are glad you decided to come back."

"It would be hypocritical for me not to, I just needed some time to… think." Hajime said in a soft voice, taking his regular seat. He stuck his hand in his pocket and started fiddling with Chiaki's hairpin. The young man kept it with him as a sort of lucky charm, or something to keep him grounded, like he was using it for right now. "I'm sorry about bailing on you all last week, but you shouldn't have ambushed me like that!"

"We know, and we are very sorry." Nekomaru said, though some of the rooms occupants didn't seem sorry about it at all. "Though, after all that, we would like to start today with you sharing."

"I figured…" He knew this would happen. How bor- He shook his head to clear the thought. "Let's get this over with." He gave the hairpin a squeeze, tipping his head down to stare at his shoes. "I remembered something this week."

"An Izuru memory?" Someone asked, and Hajime shook his head.

"I- I got my first memory of the Kamukura Project." The air in the room seemed to drop a few degrees. Nobody knew what to say. "I was getting awake brain surgery. I think they were working on my language center so I could excel in language related talents. The surgery didn't hurt, I think they were just poking around and then asking me to speak in different languages. The rest of my body was really sore, though, and I had lot's of IVs and a central line. They had retrained me arms and legs. I can't remember why I was so sore- I think I might have had to do with combat talents because I'm pretty sure I had bruised ribs- at some point I started to panic." The hand that wasn't in his pocket clenched onto his pants and he continued in a softer tone. "I asked them to stop, I didn't want this anymore. They just… made a comment about how the subject's personality was still too strong and then asked me to say something in French." Something wet landed on his pants, at which point he had realized he was crying. "Damn. Damnit." He started hastily rubbing the tears away.

"Hajime-" It was a female voice, he couldn't tell which it was.

"Don't. It was my own fault, I signed up for it. My parents and I even signed waivers saying Hope's Peak wasn't liable for any permanent injury or death. It could have killed me, and I knew that, and I did it anyway." Did want to be useless, didn't want to be talentless. And for what? At what cost? He was spiraling, he tried to pull out his Izuru, but he couldn't- he couldn't.

"Hajime." There was a hand on his shoulder, and he was suddenly dragged back to Earth. Pale skin, eyes, and hair. Komaeda. "There's our leader!"

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong. I admire your drive to improve yourself, you were willing to risk life and limb to get a talent. So noble and-" The signs of a self-deprecating rant were starting to appear and so Mahiru pulled him away.

"Alright, enough of that."

"Hajime, you mad a bad choice, but that doesn't make you a bad person. That fault lands on the people who did that to you. What happened to you will have consequences for the rest of your life. It's okay to be upset about it." Nekomaru said, reeling things back in. Damn, this was hard, Hajime normally did this part. He was pretty sure a good half of it was ripped straight from past sessions.

"Yeah." He seemed to a except that answer, looking up, his tears slowing before gazing at Peko "You had a lot of flashbacks this week, I witnessed a few from the vents." That was firm signal that Hajime was done, and not wanting him to flee again, the room decided to move on. Maybe they could get him to make more progress next week. Peko started talking about her flashbacks.

Author's Note:

So… I lost steam on this one. Inspiration ran dry, motivation disappeared with the lack of interaction on the story. I know to not get my hopes up now. Anyway, the next chapter I have planned is a little number called The Race for Hajime's V-Card! Let's hope I actually write it. Till next time, duckies!