The wind had stopped rushing past me at some point, but my brain had checked out from the withdrawal of adrenaline for the past 24 hours. From running away to getting into a crash, then to dying and being in that awful place.
Now I feel calm. At some point, the fear I had of dropping had been replaced with peace. It was laying on a cloud, one of the best experiences of my life…lives. It was serene, like falling asleep and having the best dreams.
For me, the best thing to do in the world is to talk with Ella. She was the best thing in my life. When she was brought home on February 13, 1995, it was the first time I saw a baby. She was so beautiful. With beautiful green eyes and pink lips, and the same nose that my mother had.
As she grew she had beautiful brown hair and she never cut it. She would ask me to braid it into Dutch braids. She never grew out of it and would keep asking me to even as she turned into a teenager. On her first day of ninth grade, she called me from England where she took her transfer year. She asked me to tell her if her outfit looked cool.
I told her "You look beautiful, baby girl."
She truly did, she looked like a model with long brown hair in two parts one up, one down, with some hair dangling down her face. She had light makeup on with light blue jean shorts and an off-shoulder white top. I felt a well of fatherly pride as I saw her grow and be independent. I raised this little girl from a baby with toothy smiles, to smiles with her front teeth missing, now she has a beautiful smile with all she needs to be successful.
I smiled when I got out of the memory that suddenly flooded me when thinking about her. My little sister, little Ella, will be fine without her older brother. I taught her all of the skills I possibly could.
The falling stopped, but I didn't feel a crash. I feel the pressure all of a sudden as if someone was pushing me. I had never felt anything like it before. Then the pressure stopped and there were blazing lights everywhere as if the world was on fire. The warmth, the lights, then the people. It felt like forever since I saw light or warmth. The people were the last thing I noticed. They were in light pink clothes.
Then there was death. I felt it again. I didn't know why I was just born for a second time, and why is death here again? WAIT… WAIT… I can't breathe. Oh god, I can't breathe. There it was the feeling of my lungs dying, my heart stopping again. DAMN IT, damn it, I died again and got into the hell of a place again, will I have to go through this again? OH GOD SOMEONE ANSWER ME.
I can't do this again, I can't do this again. Please, Please, Please, no… no… no I just got out. No, I just got out. My eyes started tearing up of their own accord, damn it. I survived my life. I can survive this death too.
"I can, MATTHEW JAMES, YOU WILL SURVIVE. YOU SURVIVED YOUR ABUSE, AND TAKING CARE OF THAT LITTLE GIRL WHEN YOU WERE JUST A BABY YOURSELF."I yelled this as loud as I possibly can, so loud it echoed across the void of nothingness, it was to myself, to ground me. And I know I can survive because I have done this before.
It was at this point my resolve was set, I will survive this and thrive. Even in a void of nothing but pitch-black darkness, I will make the best of this situation.
Then my attitude changed. Nothingness became a place where anything was possible. My imagination shined like the sun, which is so foreign in this place. I could see a chessboard that people in my high school like to play in my mind. I could imagine it and play the pawns against myself. I kept playing until I could see 15 moves ahead of myself, and see both sides even when the other player was myself. Then when I got bored with that, I would walk even while walking, I would think about anything and everything that would ever come to my mind.
At some point, I started making a checklist of what I would do if I got out of here.
Get a dog
Play chess
Learn greek ( don't know where that came from but thought it was cool)
Learn to fence. (It would be cool to stab someone)
The world had started to be a positive place, then I felt something change. Even if nothing viable has changed. There was a chill in the air, a bit of warmth in the cold air filled with disappointment.
Then as the next wind passed the air felt the same. The frustration I felt had me screaming as loud as I possibly could. "I tried damn it, I tried."
This time my voice sounded resigned even to my ears. Then I felt it again, the new feeling, the warmth and kindness in a sea of disappointment. All of the sudden a fight my body had long forgotten had come back with force.
Now I know I can get out of here when I walk, now I run. And I ran faster than anything I have ever ran, even the attempted running away from home. The air in my lungs and the blood in my heart were beating faster, my legs rejoiced at the freedom coming from sitting and walking for what felt like eternity.
This time when the ground opened up I was ready and excited for the upcoming birth. This time I will breathe and survive. I know I will.