Subaru Suffers While Trying to Have a Phone Call with His Parents
Summary: Truly Subaru cannot escape his suffering. Ever. (crack) (This was a collab made between Ernalore, Infinite the Celestian, and Im The Person. Please support each of us.)
In the Castle of Dreams, six Witches were enjoying their newly-gained freedom. Well, as free as they could be when they were piloting a hijacked pink-haired half-elf.
And how were they doing that?
Well, Minerva and Carmilla engaged in light-hearted conversation. Or, at least, they tried.
"And so I said to Reid that he couldn't trick me with his moves…" Minerva said, retelling a story to Carmilla. "Hey, are you listening?"
"Huh?" the pink-haired girl said. "Oh, sorry, I was thinking back to my fiance…"
"Oh, I see… HEY! TYPHON! LEAVE DAPHNE ALONE!"
"Oh, calm down, Ner-Ner!" the Witch of Pride exclaimed, as she pulled another limb off the blind-folded girl. "Daph and I were just testing her pain resistance!"
"I can take it, I swear!" Smiled Daphne, revealing her sharp teeth.
"OH, HELL NO!" the blonde Witch screeched, as she leaped over to the two kids.
BOOM!
"HEAL! HEAL! HEAL! HEAL!"
"Sigh… would you stop it with that racket?" Sekhmet asked, as she laid her head on Echidna's table, trying to sleep, though she looked more like a drunk, to be honest.
"Relax, Sekhmet," Echidna said, putting down her teacup. "You can sleep through most things. Besides, it's a wonderful day. Nothing could… ruin… it… well, fuck."
As soon as she noticed it, the other five Witches turned their heads and saw it, too. A mass of shadows had entered the Castle of Dreams.
Satella had joined that party.
Echidna was the first to greet her. "Hello, slut."
Satella did not respond.
Huh, that's weird, the white-haired Witch thought. Usually, she'd call me a bitch.
"Hello, Echidna," Satella replied, quietly.
She never speaks to me like that, unless… Echidna's scowl deepened.
"What do you want?" she hissed.
"My Subaru is homesick. You must have seen it in his Trials, right? He misses his parents."
"And who's fault is that?" she asked. However, Satella remained silent. Groaning, Echidna decided to move on. "And what do you want me to do about it, exactly?"
"Didn't you create a conversation mirror capable of transmitting messages through other worlds?" the silver-haired half-elf asked.
"Yes, I did. And while it is true that I could connect it to the communication devices in Subaru's world, thus allowing contact with his parents… what's in it for me?"
Satella sighed, but knew that this was for her beloved. "...Once you get your original body back… you can kiss Subaru. On the lips."
Score! Echidna internally cheered, though she played it calm on the outside.
"BUT ONLY ONCE," the Envy side of the Witch hissed.
Coughing into her hand, Echidna smiled, "That is an acceptable arrangement."
"Thank you," the cloaked girl bowed. "BUT ONLY ONCE."
"Yes, yes, I heard you," Echidna said, closing her eyes.
Opening them once more, the girl saw that she was in the body of the pink-haired half-elf, laying down in the middle of the forest.
"Now, to go back to the Sanctuary…" Omega said, standing up.
Subaru walked into his room, exhausted. Despite being a knight, he had helped Ram carry the other Camps' luggage into the manor, and all for a five-Camp meeting.
"I'm a knight, dammit… I shouldn't have to deal with this… shit?"
Looking down onto his desk, he saw something golden and shiny. Picking it up, he saw there was a tag with some writing attached to the golden thing.
"A gift from me to you. You owe me a kiss, by the way."
- XOXO, Omega
Now, Subaru didn't know Omega, but he was deathly familiar with stalkers, both the murdery and non-murdery type, so he was hella suspicious of the golden device.
Carefully grabbing it, Subaru psyched himself up to open it. He was immediately prepared to be blown to smithereens, and use Return by Death, but nothing happened.
Click!
Opening his eyes, Subaru saw that there was no explosion.
Okay, so it's not an explosive, he thought, carefully examining it. A metia?
RING! RING! RING!
"JESUS CHRIST!" Subaru yelled, as he dropped the metia to the floor. Seeing that the device was still ringing, he picked it up and placed it to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Hello!" the other side announced. "We are here to talk to you about your car's extended warranty –"
"FUCK YOU!" Subaru screamed, as he punted the golden metia to the floor, turning it off. "Stupid telemarketers… wait a minute, telemarketers?"
Realizing what he just heard, Subaru grabbed the metia and flipped the tag.
"Introducing the BRAND-NEW 'QUANTUM CONVERSING MIRROR™' from Emerald Butterfly, LLC! Communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime! No restrictions on distance, or reality! You can contact anyone, even people in other worlds! Just imagine who you wish to contact, and off you go! WARNING: All Emerald Butterfly, LLC products, including this one, are non-refundable."
Hold up, anyone? Subaru thought to himself. Then that means…
Thinking of who he wanted to call, the nasty-eyed boy concentrated on the metia. After a few seconds he could hear a dial-up noise. Opening his eyes, he read…
CALLING NOW: NATSUKI RESIDENCE, JAPAN, EARTH.
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! Subaru internally screamed. He couldn't believe it. He could talk to his parents again. He literally could not believe it.
Then the media made a clicking noise.
"Hello?" A voice on the other side asked, "Who is this?"
Subaru recognized the voice.
It was his mother's voice.
"Mom?"
"S-Subaru?"
"MOM!" he exclaimed, tearing in joy. "MOM, IT'S ME, SUBARU!"
"Subaru? Subaru!" his mother exclaimed in shock and joy. "Kenichi, get over here!"
"What is it, honey?" a deeper voice came up. "Hello? Who is this?"
"Dad?"
"Subaru?" he said, realizing who it was. "HOLY SHIT, SUBARU!"
"Dad! Mom!" the Japanese teenager exclaimed. "Am I glad to hear from you guys!"
"Same here!" his father said. "Where have you been?!"
"Somewhere with no reception," Subaru answered, dodging the question. "Anyways, you would not believe the crazy few months I've had! Anyways, I gotta go tell my friends!"
"Wait, you have friends?"
Slamming the door to the living room open where different members from different Camps were hanging out, Subaru said, "Hey, guys, I found a metia that allows for inter-dimensional communication!"
"Why does that concern us, Barusu?" Ram asked, annoyed.
"Because it means I can talk to my parents!" he said, before giving them a 'shushing' gesture. "I'm talking to my mom right now, so could you guys please be quiet?"
Beatrice nodded, while Emilia wanted to speak to Subaru's parents. Unfortunately, Roswaal, Garfiel, and Ram all were wearing some massive shit-eating grins.
They knew this was going to be fun.
Roswaal went first by moaning loudly. "OH, HAAAAARDER, DADDY!"
"Ros-chi, what the fuck?!" Subaru hissed, turning towards the gang.
Then it was Garfiel, sounding as high as fuck. "PASS THE WEED, BRO!"
Immediately, Subaru caught on to what these idiots were doing. "Would you guys shut –"
Before he could continue, Emilia whispered into his ear, "Tell your mom I said hi."
Ram jumped in by screaming, "THE CHILDREN ARE ESCAPING THE DUNGEON, BARUSU!" Leading to everyone else laughing hysterically, and a very pissed-off Subaru.
Unfortunately, Naoko Natskui heard all that. "Uh, Subaru," she asked, "what was all of that?"
Beatrice was not having it, however. Her contractor deserved better. She stood up and yelled to everyone else, "EVERYONE SHUT UP, HE'S TALKING TO HIS MOTHER!"
Subaru's father, however, heard everything from the other side of the line. "Subaru? Was that your girlfriend? HAHA! I knew my son was finally growing up!"
Inside a small room, a girl forgotten by the world slept.
That was, until now.
Despite being in a comatose state, she could hear everything. She heard everything her visitors told her, and now she was hearing the shouting match in the downstairs living room.
Subaru-kun's parents? she thought to herself. This is my chance.
This was indeed her best chance. If she could somehow rope her beloved's parents into this, then he would certainly be hers. She willed herself to wake up.
The power of Gluttony was no match for her Lust.
And thus, Rem awoke.
"Okay, are you guys done?" Subaru asked, very annoyed. Seeing that no one else was making any smart-ass jokes he sighed. "Good, now where –"
SLAM!
Turning around, Subaru looked and saw who it was that interrupted his conversation with his parents for the umpteenth time. However, when he did, his face faltered.
"R-Rem?"
Everyone else turned around, as well, and when they did, their memories came back.
"Sister?" Ram asked, on the verge of tears.
"The maid?" Beatrice gasped.
However, the blue-haired oni ignored all of that.
"SUBARU-KUN!" Rem screamed. "I AM PREGNANT!"
Realizing that the touching reunion was gone, Subaru audibly groaned. "Can I please just talk to my pare- Emilia-tan! Give me the phone back!" he begged, as his lady took it away from it.
Ram, meanwhile, processed what her newly-awake sister just said. "Barusu, I'll give you a two second head start," she said, as the pink-haired maid armed herself with her wand.
"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! I did nothing like that!" he screamed, protecting his crotch area.
Meanwhile, the half-elf ignored her knight's peril and yelled, "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Natsuki!" into the magical device. "Can I marry your son?"
Otto, walking into the chaos, decided to go crazy as well. "NATSUKI-SAN, WHERE DO I HIDE THE BODIES?"
Getting angry, Subaru hissed, "Okay, that's it. I CAN RETURN BY DE–"
In an instant, everyone was frozen. The dark shadows approached the black-haired boy, as he accepted the fact that his heart would be squeezed by the Witch of Envy –
"Tell your parents I said hi."
Looking towards Satella with a face of betrayal, he exclaimed, "Not you too! Get out!"
Satella pouted, but obeyed her beloved's request, and left, while uttering, "Dummy…"
With time returning, Subaru sighed, "Okay, has everyone calmed down –?"
"NYAH, THE EARS ARE SENSITIVE, SUBARU-KYUN!" Felix moaned in a lewd fashion.
"Why are you here?!" the nasty-eyed boy asked. "Aren't you supposed to be helping Crusch with her luggage?! Or did you just show up to torment me?!"
"Now I know this is fake," Kenichi said. "There's no way my son is that lucky with the ladies."
Hearing his father say that, Subaru blushed in embarrassment and averted his gaze from the ladies of the room, hoping that none of them heard that.
Otto, seeing that Subaru wasn't getting any more embarrassed, announced, "PLAN B!"
"What's Plan B?" Garfiel asked his bro, ready to wreak more havoc.
"The plan where you guys let me talk to my parents in peace…?" Subaru asked desperately.
"After all the teasing you do to me, there's no way I'm passing up this opportunity, Natsuki-san!"
"Teasing, you say?" Priscilla said, as she heard what the merchant said as she walked into the room. It sounded like fun. "COMMONER! WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY CHEST?!"
Everyone could hear Kenichi laughing hysterically over the phone at that joke.
At this point, Subaru had enough and was ready for the next punch to the gut. "What's next? Felt telling me to stop holding Rein's sword and make it an obvious dick joke?"
And then, almost as if on cue, Reinhard and Felt came through the door.
The truth was, Reinhard sensitive hearing had him hear everything, and when Felt learned why he was laughing, she ordered the two of them to head downstairs to partake in the teasing.
"Subaru, we got your confession in the mail! We're happy to accept your proposal!" Reinhard exclaimed happily, as if he was about to be married to his friend.
Subaru was about to beg them to stop, when Felt continued the joke.
"BIG BRO! STOP HOLDING REINHARD'S SWORD LIKE THAT! ALL OF THAT STORED UP ENERGY WILL BURST OUT!"
"I WAS FUCKING KIDDING!" Subaru screeched, just wanting to die.
"Subaru.", he flinched as he heard his name, turning around to see Pandora, who looked none too happy.
"You left me for that redhead?" The Witch's tone made It clear to Subaru that he better answer right away.
"I'm sorry Pandora-tan," Subaru tried to keep his composure, but Pandora's menacing aura was slowly breaking it.
"You know I'd never leave you for anyone," Pandora sighed, sat on the ground, and used her Authority to have Subaru laying on her lap.
"Perfect. As all things should be," Pandora said, enjoying the moment with her beloved Subaru, and basking while everyone gawked at the situation.
"Wait what?" Was all the Emilia could say before everyone and everything was consumed by a sudden darkness. This actually surprised Pandora, but Subaru's coming words were what truly boggled her mind.
"Pandora-tan."The Witch of Vainglory looked down to her beloved, watching as his face faded and spoke distorted words, "You need to wake up."
"Pandora-sama, wake up."
"Hmm?"
The platinum-haired loli opened her eyes, and saw that she was inside her room. Looking around, she also saw the Witch Cultist that had awakened her.
"Yes, what is it?"
"The Sin Archbishops are ready to invade Priestella," the cultist explained. "I believe you wanted to give them and the rest of the troops some words of encouragement?"
"Yes, of course. I'll be out in a few minutes."
"As you command," the cultist bowed, and left the Witch alone in her room.
So, it was all a dream, Pandora thought sadly.
Subaru didn't actually confess his love for her.
"Great, now I'm both depressed and horny," she pouted.
The Witch of Greed woke up with a gasp, getting the other Witches' attention. Echidna looked at her surroundings to see that she was sitting at her table, and a strange clear liquid on the table where he had been.
"Minerva, what just happened?" Echidna asked the Witch of Wrath, who only looked confused at the question.
"You just took a nap. Why?" Minerva inquired.
"We don't need to sleep in the Castle of Dreams, remember?" Echidna reminded the Witches.
"What did you dream about?" Typhon asked, curious as to what her friend had dreamt of.
"Well, it started off normal. The half-elf slut appeared in my domain-" SMACK! Echidna was interrupted when the Witch of Wrath smacked her upside the head, but Echidna continued as if nothing happened. "-and asked me to make an Inter-dimensional Metia that would allow him to communicate with his parents."
"Aww… That's so sweet of Satella…" Carmilla commented on the story. Despite it being a dream, the Witch of Lust knew that the real Satella would likely do something similar.
"Anyways, Subaru discovered the device, contacted his parents, and when he made the other royal Camps aware, everyone except Beatrice and the other slut-" Another smack for the Witch of Greed."-began to tease him and prevent him from being able to have a normal conversation with them."
"That's just plain rude!" the Witch of Pride felt a rare sense of rage. "We should go there right now and judge them!"
"Calm down Typhon. It didn't actually happen." Minerva reassured the young Witch.
"Then Pandora, of all people, showed up and acted like Subaru was leaving her, then everything was covered in darkness and Subaru was half distorted in a way I actually can't describe, and then Pandora woke up from a dream."
The Witches had to process what she just said. "So… you were Pandora in the dream?" Minerva asked, still trying to process it.
"Apparently so. Then I woke up," Echidna stated.
RING! RING!
"Oh, it seems as though I have an incoming call," Echidna reached into her pocket and pulled out a metia, opening it and putting it to her ear. "Hello?"
"Is this Echidna?" the voice on the other end asked, speaking in a very familiar voice.
"Yes, this is Echidna," she responded.
"This is Subaru from the Technical Department," he said. "I'm calling you about your computer, it seems that we have been technical errors and complaints from your device so I'm calling you so we can fix it."
"SUBARU!" Was all that was shouted in a sea of shadows, and the inhabitant of the Castle of Shadows awoke from the "nightmare" she had.
She was thankful it was a dream. She was about to witness Subaru go down the dark side.
"Is this what Subaru calls 'Dreamception'?" Satella wondered as she had awoken from her slumber.
"Wait, how do I know if this is real or just another dream?" The Witch of Envy briefly wondered, as she tried to recall anything that Subaru may have mentioned of the subject.
"Oh right! Subaru said that you can't feel pain in a dream!" So Satella took the most logical course of action… She held out her right arm and used her shadows to sever her hand.
Satella didn't react for a few seconds, but then she screamed… a lot.
1 hour later.
"-and that's what happened." Satella was in the Castle of Dreams, with the other Witches listening to her "Dreamception". Satella also had her hand back thanks to her damned Immortality.
"So… let me get this straight… you dreamed you were Echidna- " The Witch of Greed snorted in disgust "-who dreamed that she was Pandora, who dreamed that you and Echidna made a Metia for Subaru so he could talk to his parents again, but everyone kept interrupting him, right?" Minerva asked her best friend.
"That about sums it up, yeah." Satella couldn't help but wonder why she had experienced such a dream.
"Also… you said that in your Dream, Pandora was about to send the Archbishops off to Priestella, right?" Minerva inquired.
"Yep."
"And isn't that where Subaru is currently heading according to you?" Minerva asked again.
"Yes."
"Then… wouldn't that mean he's in danger?" Minerva asked once again, concerned for the boy in question.
"Minerva, relax. It was just a dream." Satella relaxed as she was sure her beloved was safe from harm, especially with the Sword Saint in the city. "I mean, what are the odds that the Archbishops invade Priestella at the same time that Subaru is-..." Satella was cut short as she felt a disturbance.
"Tella, are you ok?" Typhon asked, but Satella just stood up.
"Subaru just died. I have to go." Satella walked away in a hurry, preparing Return by Death once again.