I want to apologize to her; I should apologize to her. It's just that…..

I can feel her growing more attached to me, which is a scenario I DON'T want. Where will that leave her, if we grow closer…..

and I leave her once my mission is over?

"Now, let's practice for the interview once more." The next day Loid was adamant that we rehearse for the interview to The Garden of Eden club; something I thought was a good idea at first, but after hours upon hours of practicing I was starting to get warily. Loid pulled out a new sheet of paper and I got up from my chair to stretch. After reaching my arms high up in the air, I went back to the kitchen in search for something to drink.

"I'm going to make some tea. Would you like anything, Loid?" "Uh, sure. Coffee please, black." "You got it," I smiled, grabbing the kettle. Humming quietly to myself, I could sense Loid's eyes on me, observing my every move. It wasn't in a bad sort of way, more so curious… and a little intimate. The edges of my grin grew just thinking about it. His forefinger ran across his bottom lip.

"Thank you for doing this today with me. I know you've been through a lot these past few days," he said. I shrugged. "Oh no, it's fine. We want to pass that interview, after all," I replied light-heartedly, pouring some coffee grinds into the filter. My husband was quiet for a moment, as if he was thinking to himself. Eventually his lips parted again. "I knew it," he voice was low and honest. I blinked back at him from over my shoulder. "Knew what?" And he sent a smile in my direction. "That I chose well," he elucidated, and I blushed, quickly turning back to his coffee and my tea. The room was quiet after this, but I could tell the mood had changed on his end. His smile began to fade on its own accord as he continued to think to himself. I audibly heard his lips part, but no sound came out right away. I carried his cup to him, extending it out for him to take. "Here you are, just the way you like it," I chimed. He looked at me absorbedly, seeming almost hesitate to grab the cup from me.

"I'm sorry…." "Hmmmmm? Sorry for what?" I perked up puzzled. "Sorry for…" He paused here, let his gaze drift out a bit, and then reluctantly pursed his lips together. That detached grin- not smile- came back to his lips, something I was sad to see. His hands pressed together tightly, an obvious sign of regret. "Nothing, forget I said anything." "Oh, ok….." Realizing that he wouldn't take the cup from me, I set it down onto the coffee table. I then walked back to retrieve my own tea, which had brewed by this point. Not smiling now, I played with the strainer a little, not sure what was wrong all of a sudden or why Loid was acting this way. We hadn't discussed our fight yesterday, but I wasn't mad anymore. Wait…. Is that what he was apologizing for? Or was it something else? I just couldn't get a read on him. Did he even like me? I don't know….. I really have no clue.

"Mrs. Forger?" Loid broke my train of thought once his was also broken. We'd been in our own little worlds just now, contemplating silently to ourselves about who knows what. But I glanced back his way here, wondering what he wanted to say to me after well….. after that. "Yes? What is it?" More hesitation on his side; his hands were hard pressed together, they were almost trembling. "I don't….. Uh, what I mean to say is that you have nothing to worry about…. f-for the interview, I mean!" He was quick to add on. I nodded, not quite sure about that myself but choosing to believe him anyway. He sat still for a second, letting his eyes wander a little. "A-And I just want you to know, should anything ever happen… ever happen to me, you needn't worry about your future. There'll be enough money in our shared bank account to keep you secure, and as a widow- should something ever happen to me, I mean- you'll be safe from the secret service. I won't leave you with nothing, Mrs. Forger….. I'd never do that to you," he stood up to match me, his eyes shimmering onto mine.

I simply stared at him for a solid minute, unsure how to react to this information. Why is he saying all this now? Oh, I get it; I bet it's because those scary men chased us yesterday. I got a glimpse of how dangerous his job truly is, and he's afraid that if he dies and I can't find another job, I'll be penniless. Awe! Well he has no need to worry about that; I have more money than I know what to do with thanks to Yuri, but I can't tell him that. I'll just act grateful, which I am! He's thinking of my future welfare anyway- I appreciate that.

I smiled at Loid; a real, heartfelt smile. My body spun in such a way that we were fully facing one another. My hands clasped contented in front of me and I visibly relaxed. "Thank you, Loid; I really mean that. It's so kind of you to think about me, be concerned for my future…. should we ever be parted. The law's made it incredibly hard for single women and widows now….. But having financial security…. and being the wife of a party member gives me a privileged level of reassurance. So thank you….. Thank you for marrying me. I'm the one who really benefits from this arrangement; I know that. And I'm just so incredibly grateful…" I breathed and Loid wore the same stunned expression he had yesterday when I cried. It looked like he'd been hit by a car, his face was so shocked.

We merely beheld one another for a good minute, me smiling and him being all sorts of ways. His hands were sweaty and his figure trembling. My eyes widened a bit when he finally began to come towards me. When he was a mere foot away he stopped, shutting his eyes again. His hand came to rest on my shoulder and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine yet again. My heart raced a mile a minute- this felt even better than yesterday! Loid meanwhile let himself rest against me; I don't think he's had much human contact before, so he wanted to truly enjoy it, experience it when he did. I felt his hand cling to me so snugly…

His lips audibly parted again and he kept his eyes closed. "I'm sorry….. I'm so, so sorry," again, I wasn't sure what exactly he was apologizing for, but my best bet it was for yelling at me and not coming to the train station yesterday. I also shut my eyes in turn, breathing tenderly. "It's ok, I forgive you." His fingers curled a bit, almost in an upset fashion. I don't think he wanted to hear that…. for some bizarre reason. He exhaled resolutely, candidly….

"I will never, never let anything happen to you. Even if I'm not here…. you have no reason to worry. I will ensure that you are safe, with or without me." "Thank you, Loid. But we still have many years together, and you may outlive me," I gently reminded him. His hand was holding onto me tighter than it ever had now. His mouth shut for a second, and then slowly opened a sliver. He kept his eyes shut the whole time his forehead was pressed against mine.

"No matter what happens, you will be safe."

There are people I can get to guarantee your safety and wellbeing…. once I am gone.