Chapter 2

January, Third Age 2968, Halls of King Thranduil

"I'm a terrible mother."

The statement was firm, resigned and final as Aewnith announced her arrival by blurting out the words to her own mother.

Only a few weeks had passed since the final great feast bidding their esteemed guests farewell back to their own realms. Aewnith had a strong sense that it would be remembered as the last time the elven realms would all gather in merry harmony for a long while. Darkness stirred amid the trees. Nameless, quiet and cunning. Their borders were peaceful, after a fashion, and yet everyone was tense. Waiting and watching for the winds to change. Something was amiss though none could point out what.

Cellissel looked up from her book, and tilted her head to the side as she took in the tired appearance of her daughter.

"Why are you a terrible mother?"

"Let me count the ways…" Aewnith replied sadly as she plopped down and let Cellissel take her hand gently. She relished the connection and closeness, breathing a sigh of relief that she could finally deeply confide in the one person she had been longing to speak with of these matters ever since she'd given birth to Joel, her first child. Sometimes she felt having her mother back, alive and well, was just a dream.

"Very well. Count away." Cellissel prompted, surprised and grateful for the sudden approach of her daughter. It was weeks since she had recalled herself, and in that time only Faervel had come to her in confidence the way her children used to. Aewnith and Legolas, for all they had accepted her return, seemed shy of her and kept their interactions brief and almost awkward.

Until now that is.

Aewnith approached with such trust, frankness and deep need for connection that Cellissel could do nothing more than reach out and listen, while she thanked the heavens in her heart for being needed once more.

"I fear what you will think of me...when you hear of what I was to my children…" Aewnith sighed, talking down into her lap with a tremor in her voice.

"I cannot judge the path that life took you, nor the way you dealt with it."

"I was nothing like you."

"I am sure you were better."

"No. No I really wasn't." Aewnith breathed unsteadily, shaking her head. "I was awful...especially in those early days. Farland and I didn't have a lot of support from family, being on Earth and all…"

"Yes, your father told me a little of that…it sounded like you faced much darkness, fear and pain while you were there."

"I did…" Aewnith twisted her marital rings on her finger. "I was...am...such an angry mother. I...I would get so enraged when I was overtired with my infant children that some days I would have to put them in their crib and leave to scream into a pillow. I still yell at them with such harshness when it's really more me and not them that is the issue. I...used to throw things when I got mad, and my poor...beautiful children would just stare in shock and fear. I never hurt them. I never directed it at them, but it scares me that I could have." Aewnith wiped her eyes, working to keep a hold of herself as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Nanath, I would try so hard to be positive, happy...to be everything you were...and yet I still...I was horrible! I am still horrible! I have missed so many things about my children just because I was too wrapped up in my own grief and struggles to notice! And my poor Farland, for all he tried to be everything I needed and everything our children needed, he had his own trauma and grief to work through. I fear we both ended up hiding in our jobs, being distant and inattentive when it mattered the most."

Digesting the words, Cellissel took her time replying while she gazed into a stream of sunlight nearby.

"Aewnith...it's ok that it was so hard." Cellissel told her gently. "You had so much on your plate and so few people you felt you could turn to. That doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you an imperfect one, and that's ok. I would be concerned if you weren't upset about it, but not that it happened. You can be a parent for hundreds of years and still be learning and growing. And my dear...I was not perfect either. Thranduil used to have to take you from me at night because I would get so frustrated and tired. I would go down to the training rings and train until I felt better, or I would go for a run. Sometimes I did yell, not at you, but in general as an expression of frustration. Or sometimes I wanted to throw things so badly, just to see them break because I couldn't express how I felt. Other times I would lock myself in a room and cry because I was so overwhelmed. And that was all with help available to me twentyfourseven."

"I don't remember any of that."

"Well, I came up with strategies for coping, I found other people to talk to, I made sure I stayed in tune with how I was feeling and what I needed...I learned to look after myself better and advocate for time for me, I prayed more, I went to Medlinor or a Heart Healer whenever I felt darkness creeping in, I sang more and I looked to enjoy every moment I could with my children. I learned to be more empathetic to all of your little people's needs and in the end, it helped tremendously in making me a gentler parent."

"I wish I had done that. I just got more and more stressed, and I would bury myself in work. You would have been appalled by how awful I let Joel get to his sisters when they were older. I just told myself that it was a phase and he would get over it, or that the world was harsh and the girls needed to toughen up...only now do I see how many glaring errors I made along the way..."

"Aewnith, what was cannot be changed. What is now, can be. Every parent makes mistakes and does things they wish later they would have done differently. The key is to forgive yourself, admit you were wrong, and work hard to repair the relationship with your children. It's constantly looking for ways you can grow inside yourself that moves us forwards."

"I'm afraid they won't forgive me. I can see some of the ways that I..I damaged them...being the way that I was..."

"They will, in time. I think it's easier to heal from these things if we see that the offender is trying to change and admits their wrong doings."

"How can you be sure?"

Cellissel sighed and shook her head, thinking upon her own long journey forwards. "Because my own parents were...let us just say they were not as tame as you were. We lived in stressful, bloody and violent times when I was child, what with the kinslayings and all. While they loved us dearly, they were not always the best at regulating their own emotions, thus resulting in frequent screaming matches between my parents. Blame often was placed on my brother and I when it was not ours to carry, especially if one of them was in a bad mood. It was as if they expected us to change our behaviours just to suit their needs, that we should look after them and not the other way around. They would use us as confidants instead of their own friends, putting us in the middle of their marital arguments. Often they would encourage us to have original thoughts, however if it deviated from how they saw the world they would 'beat you over the head' with their own point of view until you relented to it. Things were chaotic and not always stable in their marriage, though over the long years they figured it out. The way they raised us was not consistent, nor how I choose to raise my own children. There is so much more to it than that, however that is not the point. The point is, they were far from perfect and yet, I found myself later able to forgive them and even understand a little where they were coming from. If I could do that with my parents, your children will have no problem letting go of the past when it comes to you."

"I was neglectful." Aewnith cried. "Naneth I want to do it over again. I want those days back so I can enjoy it."

"Perhaps, perhaps not." Cellissel drew her daughter into a hug. "Do not discount the darkness overshadowing you in that world, Aewnith. It may not be as obvious, but evil still followed you there, waiting and watching. While it does not excuse, it explains and helps us understand better how to move forwards. Have mercy on yourself. Your children still need you. You can still be their mother, and still be there for them. Grow, repair and learn. That's all any of us can do."

"I have missed you, naneth…" Aewnith whispered, hugging her mother tightly. "I needed you so much…"

"I am here now." Cellissel answered, trying to ignore the guilt that tightened her heart when she heard those words, and squashed the anger that rose over the thought that she had been denied guiding her daughter down the pathways of motherhood she too had struggled with. "We can walk forwards from this place together."

AN: This chapter was inspired by my own musings about motherhood and my own challenges relating to my own mom. Since becoming a mother, I find myself more and more facepalming at Aewnith and Farland. I couldn't relate to them then (when I first started writing them), but I can now. I think my vision for them was always with my own parents a little in mind. So wrapped up in their own trauma and grief that they had never worked through that the children end up having to be the adults, and the parents relying on the kids to be their emotional regulators. Hence why Emily was distant from her parents and drawn to other people, like Thranduil and Legolas instead. She wanted someone to parent her and people who were stable, people who could show her how to be a healthy adult. She was immature in alot of ways especially at the start of Walking In Worlds, absolutely, but I guess looking at it, that makes sense that she was. I was for a long time until I started to grow into who I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they were good parents, but they had many flaws and struggles that I was deeply affected by (still am today, and that's really hard to admit because I love my parents and it's uncomfortable releasing their flaws). It was definitely not always a happy home growing up, and my siblings remember more of it than I do. Even now it's a tense conversation for me whenever mom or dad give unsolicited advice on parenting. We just have such different views now and they don't see all the ways they were wrong in how they handled us. That being said, they have (in so much as my mom is able to admit she is wrong) acknowledged some stuff, which has helped begin the healing process.

All that to say, family is messy. Being a mom is really hard, and breaking the cycles you grew up with is even harder. It IS possible though. Everyday I work to be different from what I saw. So, if you are ever scared you will be just like your parents, you don't have to be. You can break the cycle. :)

Leave a Review if you feel so inclined! I love hearing from you and it fuels my writing.

Any hope to see's for the coming chapters? I am taking requests! :)

All the best.

Peggy