Chapter 6
February, Third Age 2968, Halls of King Thranduil
"You, young lady, are late!" Glorfindel said with only mild annoyance, as Emily skidded through the doors to their training session.
"I know! I'm sorry!" Emily tossed her bag into a corner where it fell sideways, spilling books, notebooks, ink pens and parchment everywhere. Emily threw her hands up in frustration. "Ahh mannn! NOPE! Whatever! The stupid crap can just STAY there for all I care!"
Attention fully caught by this outburst, Glorfindel studied his pupil carefully. Hair pulled back haphazardly into a messy ponytail, rumple training garments that looked as though she had taken a nap in them, and finally her drawn, stress lined face? Yes, something was out of balance in the life of his student.
"Any particular reason you are running so behind today?" He asked casually, tossing her wraps for her hands and pulling out training pads for their warm up routine.
"Just lost track of time." Emily told him a little shortly.
"Really? You forgot all about your poooor old teacher?" Glorfindel tested the teasing approach, using it to gauge just what sort of state she was in.
"NO!" Emily bit out as she fought with the wraps. "I did not forget. I literally just lost track of time! You aren't the only person I have to keep happy you know! I bloody hate these things! Why do they always tangle up on me!?"
Roughly, Emily threw the long strand of cloth off her hands and started to roll them so she could try again. Glorfindel remained silent for a few moments, just observing. She flicked an avoidant glance up to him and sighed.
"Sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that, Glorfindel. Just...having a long day."
"It's not even noon." Her teacher commented mildly, leaning on a training dummy and crossing his arms. "Are you sure it's been a long day, or perhaps instead a long couple of days?"
"Fine." Emily muttered as she scowled in concentration at her hand as she wrapped it correctly this time. "It's been a long week."
"Care to share?"
"I'm fine."
"I know you well enough to read between the lines, Emily. 'I'm fine' almost always translates to 'I would really like to vent to someone, but I'm afraid it's not valid enough to admit it's bothering me'. And we do a little run around until you finally admit what's going on and then realize it was valid all along. Why don't we skip that part and go straight to the root of things, because you don't need me in order to validate how you feel right now, hmm? What seems to be the trouble."
"Have you been talking to Vede Legolas?" Emily asked, eyes narrowing at him.
"I have not spoken to him in three days. I'm just old, experienced and I know you."
Sighing in defeat, then smiling ever so slightly at Glorfindel through the hairs that were escaping her ponytail, Emily nodded. "Alright. You are right, as usual. It probably would be good to get it out...I just didn't think it was, you know, important. It's my own stuff and I have to figure it out. No one can do it for me."
"We were never meant to just 'figure it out', Emily, not on our own at least." Glorfindel told her seriously.
"I'm just really stressed out right now." Emily said, fussing with her other hand as she wrapped it, winding and unwinding the strand again and again as she tried to get it perfect.
Titling his head, Glorfindel gave a single nod. "Indeed. I really hadn't noted you were carrying a considerable amount of tension. This is utterly surprising."
"Smart ass." Emily muttered under her breath, moving to the first training set he had laid out for her and began moving through it quicker than he would have liked for a warm up.
"I like to think of myself as helpful and observant." Glorfindel replied easily, letting the insubordination go for today and knowing he may have slightly deserved it. "In all seriousness, Emily, what is causing you so much inner distress?"
"What ISN'T?" Emily bit out in frustration, striking her fists into the training dummy rapidly, losing track of what set she was working on and deciding to just punch and kick randomly instead. "I have parents who are suddenly SUPER interested in every little thing about me, which is suffocating me. I get no space when I'm 'home' and catch flack if I spend too much time in my room avoiding people. I have teachers who all think it's a phenomenal idea to give me, like, three major assignments in EACH Class, all due around the same time leaving me with seventy thousand things to do. I have chores and responsibilities to attend to, I have training, I have practice for training, I have a dog to look after, I have weird mental abilities that need constant monitoring and tweaking as they change daily, I have friends who want me to spend time with them, and siblings who get offended if I am gone too much, not to mention horses to keep ridden so they don't get cranky with me, AND HAVE I MENTIONED THE CLASS WORK?"
She stopped, puffing and wringing her wrist a little. She'd gone too hot too soon and by rights Glorfindel knew he should scold her, but he didn't.
Turning to him, Emily was no longer irritable and angry. Instead she let him see the pure anxiety that was coursing through her.
"I feel like I'm drowning, Glorfindel. I just can't...I can't do it all anymore." She scrubbed away the few tears that snuck down her cheeks, breathing hard as she voiced every fear she had been burying for weeks. "I want to be good at everything. I want to be worthy of my heritage and yet I just feel like I'm mediocre at it all! I'm at the point of no improvement and my assignments are just barely getting done! I'm exhausted! I can't even sleep properly anymore because I don't know what sleep is supposed to feel like these days! What am I supposed to do!? I can't fail...I can't let everyone down. I'm the biggest fake ever. Who am I even kidding? I seriously can't do this!"
She started breathing hard, looking around the room as if searching for a way out. Glorfindel waited, sensing she wasn't finished yet.
"And then, what am I supposed to do when you leave?" Emily threw her arms out in a helpless gesture. "I know you can't stay forever! What do I do then? No one gets me the way you do, especially not with training...I don't feel as comfortable with them and I...I'm scared...like, what if I'm not good enough and I'm always a liability! What if they never let me out alone again? I don't have a great track record…and don't even get me started on what a mental case I am. Did you know I've gotten so good at waking up without screaming, you know, when I have nightmares, and I'm getting really good at hiding when intrusive thoughts about stuff that's happened to me sneak in. I don't think Merenith can even tell anymore, and I feel awful because it's like I'm lying to her, but I don't want people to know I'm still struggling, that stupid things still trigger me, and that sometimes I am actually afraid of my own shadow! Glorfindel, I'm never going to be good enough!"
"Emily," Glorfindel finally stopped her with a gentle lift of his hand. He approached her and wiped the tears from her face uselessly as more replaced them. She hiccupped. "First of all my dear child, good enough for who? You keep using this phrase...what makes you so afraid that you aren't good enough?"
"I don't know," Emily shrugged helplessly, rubbing at her eyes again and raking her fingers through her ponytail. "I don't know! Everyone, I guess? I'm the granddaughter of a king, Glorfindel, and my lineage is way more than I ever thought it was. It's bad enough trying to be good enough at LIFE in general when you are just a nobody, but now I feel like I've got everyone watching for me to break or make a mistake. I feel like there are such high expectations for me and I can't take it anymore!"
"Oh, child." Glorfindel pulled her into a bear hug that she returned gladly, crying into his shirt. "The highest, most strenuous expectations being placed on you are the ones you are placing on yourself. All anyone wants is for you to succeed, flourish, grow and be happy. Yes, perhaps there are those with their own ideas of what areas they think you should be better in, but at the end of the day they will accept you for who you ARE not who they think or wish you to be. The real question, Emily, is who do YOU want to be? What do YOU want to be? What do YOU want to succeed at and what does that look like for YOU."
"I want to be good at everything." Emily mumbled, knowing how silly it sounded.
"You cannot be good at everything." Glorfindel laughed. "I am older than most of the elves, if not all the other elves here and I am not good at everything. I'm very good at fighting, laughing, being irritating, making jokes and I am a decent singer."
"I don't want to be broken." Emily whispered. "I just want to be strong and confident."
"Then the first step is to embrace your brokenness, Emily." Glorfindel told her kindly, tightening his arms and resting his chin on her head. "Do not think that I know nothing of what it is to feel broken. To this day I struggle with severe insomnia and PTSD from fighting the Balrog. I'm sure by now you have learnt about it in your history class. They call me a great hero, mighty and brave, telling it like nothing could scare me or keep me up at night. Little do they know that I have fought a long road to be able to sit near fire without feeling it burn my flesh, or to look into the darkness without thinking a demon will suddenly appear. The Valar helped me heal, but they could not heal it all, Emily. One day, perhaps it will be, but for now I must accept what I am and embrace myself with compassion. Only then can I find rest at night. Trust me, Emily, you are not so broken as you think you are, and you will feel strong once more."
"I don't want you to leave."
"I know. I must, in time. I do promise you that I will not go until I am satisfied you have settled in with your new instructor and that I will return as often as I may to test you personally." Glorfindel pulled back, looking down fondly at his student. "As for your assignments, if I were you, I would speak to your teachers and be honest with how you are feeling. They want you to succeed as much at you want to and I am sure you will find them to be understanding. If not, send them my way. I will enjoy the conversation we have, and they will not."
Emily laughed, wiping her eyes. "I suppose they are all pretty nice. Are you sure it wouldn't be a big disappointment to people if I admitted I was struggling?"
"No, you will not be a disappointment. Your friends and family, I'll wager, will even be eager to help you if you are not too proud to accept it."
Emily lifted her head in mock indignation. "I'm not proud."
"Yes, and your daerada doesn't like wine." Glorfindel laughed. "Emily, my dear girl, talk to the people who love you. They each have things they can help with. We all know a thing or two about healing from traumatic experiences, so you can really take your pick there. There are wonderful mind healers in this kingdom and they help the majority of the soldiers who keep these woods safe. Never be ashamed to seek help from them, in fact it would ease my heart if you did speak to them. Your teachers, you can talk to them, be honest and sincere and you will find a way to make things work. Your friends, they too will understand and undoubtedly will be willing to help take some items off your heavy todo list. Finally, your siblings and parents perhaps need to know the truth about how you are feeling these days as well. You may be surprised at how that conversation might go. Do not share everything, if you do not wish, but tell them some time at least."
"Mom will fuss more."
"It's her job to fuss, she's a mother. Asking her not to worry over you would be like asking the mountains to become flat."
"It makes me feel like she doesn't believe in me." Emily admitted.
"Then tell her that, tactfully, if you can."
Nodding, Emily stared at the training course, looking calmer and more relaxed yet still utterly exhausted.
"I think training is canceled today." Glorfindel said, grinning when she looked at him shocked. "I have a better idea of what we should do."
"What is that?" Emily asked, a little suspicious.
"First, we are going to the kitchens for some well earned snacks." Glorfindel told her lightly. "Then we are going to come up with a plan of how to take some stress off your plate. After that, you are going to your room, you are going to draw yourself a nice warm bath, and you are going to relax until tomorrow morning when you will execute your plan of attack for better regulating your life."
"Glorfindel?"
"Yes, penneth?"
"Thank you." Emily looked about ready to cry again.
"For what?" Glorfindel teased, opening his arms in invitation for another hug. Emliy looked like she needed one.
He was right. She did.
"For listening, and caring," Emily told him, her voice muffled slightly. "And validating it all for me."
"You know, you really need to learn to do that for yourself one day." Glorfindel chuckled.
"Baby steps."
"Exactly. One day at a time." Glorfindel closed his eyes, hugging her tightly. "I love you, little one, and could not be prouder of you than if you were my own daughter. Never forget that."
"I won't."
AN: For Kit and everyone else struggling with the mountain of things on their plate. I hope you feel the love of Glorfindel and know that you have him and I in your corner! All the best guys.