Summary: Dobby is very serious about keeping Mr Harry Potter Sir safe. Very serious.
Pairing: MM/MF
Beta: —
Spoilers: HP
Warnings: Crack, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Interspecies Sex, Kidnapping, Male Pregnancy, Harry is Oblivious, BAMF Dobby (Harry Potter), Horror
Notes:
1. Mostly based on the inclusion of a half-house-elf woman in Fantastic Beasts (2?).
2. Obviously, from my crack ideas project.
3. Bashed out in about an hour.
4. Surprise … relationships (if you can call them that).
Written: 2022 06 02
1.0 (2022 06 02): Initial assembly.
2ND YEAR
Dobby had had enough of this nonsense. Dobby had tried very hard to protect Mr Harry Potter Sir from Bad Master and Bad Master's plans and, while it had all worked out in the end—and Mr Harry Potter Sir even managed to trick Bad Master into freeing Dobby—the fact remained that Mr Harry Potter Sir had not taken Dobby's warnings to heart! Or Dobby's efforts!
Full of righteousness, Dobby set off only to almost immediately see Mr Harry Potter Sir in the corridor. Dobby made a split second decision and latched on to Mr Harry Potter Sir, popped him away, and initiated a Reverse House-Elf Bond™ on the boy. There! Mr Harry Potter Sir would now be forced to listen to Dobby and obey Dobby.
Of course, now that Dobby had Mr Harry Potter Sir under his control Dobby wasn't quite sure what to do with him. A few more moments of thought gave Dobby an idea, so Dobby clapped Dobby's hands twice, snapped thrice, and then actually did some house-elf magic to make Mr Harry Potter Sir a breeder.
Dobby banished the clothes off Mr Harry Potter Sir and set to breeding him. Quite vigorously, too! Bad Master had denied Dobby the opportunity to breed. Said something about Dobby being not quite right in the head, and that Bad Master didn't want more house-elves like Dobby.
So rude.
Dobby bred Mr Harry Potter Sir several times over the next hour, putting in a good effort to get Mr Harry Potter Sir to catch, and had just released another load of Dobby's seed into Mr Harry Potter Sir's new breeding canal when something astonishing happened.
Mr Harry Potter Sir was not Mr Harry Potter Sir! Not at all! It was Mr Harry Potter Sir's Wheezy!
What was it the wixen called it…? Po‧ly‧juice Po‧tion?
No matter! Dobby had been tricked like Bad Master had been tricked, but it was not Mr Harry Potter Sir's fault. Dobby had just been careless. Since he had Wheezy, though, and had already changed him, Dobby would simply breed him. Dobby already knew the wixen of the castle could barely stand the boy, and this way Wheezy would be useful.
Where Wheezy even got Po‧ly‧juice Po‧tion … or why Wheezy had pretended to be Mr Harry Potter Sir… It mattered not. Dobby would get all the magic Dobby would need from Wheezy and not be in danger of dying.
Ω
Harry was sitting on his bed sorting through some of the weird socks he had received from Dumbledore—what was the man's obsession with the damn things?—when Dobby dropped by for a visit.
"Hi, Dobby. I'm glad to see you're okay," he said. "And I wanted to thank you, you know, for when Mr Malfoy lunged at me like that. That was amazing."
Dobby fiddled with his pillowcase as if bashful.
"I'm a little concerned, though," he continued, finally figuring out which socks he could bear to keep.
"Oh?"
"But first, I'd like you to have these. As a gift, as my thanks for your help, Dobby."
Dobby's eyes went wide with awe, and he clutched the various pairs of socks to his chest. "Dobby thanks Mr Harry Potter Sir. Dobby loves socks."
"You're welcome, Dobby. I'm worried because Ron seems to have gone missing. I saved his little sister, but now Ron's vanished. And I'm worried because I feel just a bit guilty, you know? Ron's kind of a terrible friend, but he's been mostly friendly." He paused for a moment, realizing he wasn't explaining himself well, and wondering if it even mattered. "I feel guilty because I'm sort of glad he's gone missing, if that makes any sense? Because he's constantly eating, or skivving off work, or being mean to people, and even getting jealous of everything and anything. So I feel guilty for not feeling guilty that he's gone missing."
Dobby got a determined glint in his eyes.
"I hope you'll be okay now, now that Mr Malfoy is, er, out of the picture, so to speak."
"Dobby will be fine," the little elf said firmly.
"I'm glad."
Ω
3RD YEAR
Dobby was very annoyed. Wheezy had already produced a babe, which was most excellent, and Dobby had given his Wheezy the missing glands he had forgotten to add, so that Wheezy could feed their babe.
But there was so much nonsense going on at Hogwarts!
Mr Harry Potter Sir was in danger again!
Dobby was in a quandary. Dobby wasn't willing to interfere with potions-man because he was employed by Whiskers, nor wolf-man because he was a wolf-man, but dog-man was causing damage to the school, and that did not sit well with Dobby, nor that dog-man was putting Mr Harry Potter Sir in danger.
Dobby huffed and popped out to find an unbonded male elf. After a long discussion, which included Dobby showing the elf his Wheezy and their successful breeding, the unbonded elf finally agreed to take on dog-man if Dobby would teach him how to do a Reverse House-Elf Bond™.
Dobby agreed, popped to dog-man and knocked him out, then popped him back to the unbonded male elf. It took but a moment for Dobby to teach how to do the Reverse House-Elf Bond™, and Dobby was well pleased a minute later that dog-man was no longer an issue for Mr Harry Potter Sir.
And while Dobby was there, he taught his new sort-of-but-not-really-elf-friend how to add the missing glands for when the first babe arrived.
Ω
Harry was sorting through yet more socks, though this time he had been given them for an early birthday present. He rolled his eyes. Dobby popped by for another visit, which was absolutely perfect timing.
"Hi, Dobby! How are you?"
"Dobby is fine, Mr Harry Potter Sir. Mr Harry Potter Sir is so kind to ask."
Harry started rambling on about the year, talking about all those nasty occurrences where Sirius Black, the man who apparently sold out his parents to You-Know-Who, had caused terror and trouble in the school, and how he was happy that the man seemed to have disappeared.
"Maybe the dementors finally got him," he mused as he finished figuring out which socks he was willing to keep. "Would you like more socks, by the way? I have some I think you might like."
Dobby clutched the socks to his chest and practically swooned with joy. "Dobby is so happy. Dobby thanks Mr Harry Potter Sir."
He chuckled. "You're welcome. I'm just happy that it looks like this year will be okay in the end."
Dobby got another determined glint in his eyes, and Harry just did not want to know why. For all he knew Dobby was doing deviant things with the socks, but if he was, more power to him?
Ω
4TH YEAR
Dobby was ready to pull Dobby's hair out. Or Dobby would, if Dobby had any. Bad things were happening at the school again, and Mr Harry Potter Sir was right in the middle of it! A bad man had put Mr Harry Potter Sir's name in the fiery goblet.
But Dobby was on the job!
(And Wheezy had produced another babe, so now he had two babes to care for. Dobby had exerted his control over lazy Wheezy and made him be responsible!)
Dobby helped Mr Harry Potter Sir survive those nasty tasks, though Dobby was keeping a close eye on that raven-girl, if only because Mr Harry Potter Sir kept eyeing her, and Dobby already knew Mr Harry Potter Sir did not always have the best instincts when it came to people. Or self-preservation, for that matter.
Most importantly, Dobby had noticed suspicious behavior in eye-man, and resolved to do something about it. Dobby remembered this time that Wheezy had used Po‧ly‧juice Po‧tion, and that Dobby needed to check for that sort of thing before he handed off another breeder for a Reverse House-Elf Bond™.
Dobby did find another unbonded male house-elf who was willing, so Dobby knocked eye-man out and waited for an hour. Lo and behold, eye-man turned into a much younger wix, of suitable breeding age, even!
Dobby nodded and delivered straw-hair to the other elf, walked the elf through the Reverse House-Elf Bond™ and the glands, then popped back to the school, well satisfied.
Dobby was exceptionally pleased when Mr Harry Potter Sir survived the nasty, deadly tournament with only minor injuries, even if he didn't win.
If anyone was going to trick Mr Harry Potter Sir it would be Dobby, not straw-man or raven-girl!
Ω
Harry was sorting through yet another batch of socks—was Dumbledore trying to tell him something?—when Dobby dropped by for a visit. After the usual greetings he said, "I'm so happy. It was just awful that some dastardly person entered me into this tournament, and bad enough that Dumbledore couldn't get me out of it, but it seems like nothing much came of it in the end. I'll have to hide the gold I still have left over from the summer, though. If my relatives ever found it they'd take it away from me."
"Mr Harry Potter Sir has a mokeskin pouch?"
He blinked. "Yes, I do. Hagrid gave me one. That's brilliant, Dobby! Thank you. I can put it safely in there, and then no one can steal it from me. Oh, and I have more socks if you're interested."
Dobby got a little teary-eyed and clutched the new set to his chest. "Dobby thanks Mr Harry Potter Sir."
He realized some time later that they never did find out what had happened to Diggory after he claimed the Triwizard Cup. Dumbledore insisted that You-Know-Who had returned (Harry refused to speak the name "Voldemort", because he could read, and he knew about the Taboo), but the Daily Prophet was already calling the headmaster a delusional old crackpot.
Ω
5TH YEAR
Dobby was overjoyed that Wheezy had produced a third babe! Dobby had to issue lots more orders, though, because Wheezy was a bit resistant to hard work and responsibility. Dobby was clearly a very good stud. Dobby puffed Dobby's chest out in pride!
Dobby became upset when he noticed that toad-lady was torturing students, including Mr Harry Potter Sir. What could Dobby do? No unbonded male house-elf would want to breed with a toad, so Dobby needed to find an alternative.
Then Dobby remembered the spiders in the forest and nodded. Dobby popped in behind toad-lady, knocked her out, then popped her into the middle of the colony. Dobby immediately washed his hands, because toad-lady was just awful, and considered it a job well done.
Dobby became further upset because raven-girl was eyeing up Mr Harry Potter Sir, and it seemed to Dobby that raven-girl was trying to use Mr Harry Potter Sir as an e‧mo‧tion‧al crutch. That just would not do!
Dobby sighed because his work was never done, and found yet another unbonded male house-elf who was willing to do a Reverse House-Elf Bond™, then knocked raven-girl out, popped her away, and got things set up with her new master.
Then Dobby noticed what potions-man was doing to Mr Harry Potter Sir and scowled. This would not stand! Dobby heaved a huge sigh and set about finding another unbonded male house-elf. Potion-man was still of breeding age, after all. Once Dobby found one, he knocked potion-man out, ripped the nasty dark thing out of his arm, then popped him to his new master. Once the Reverse House-Elf Bond™ was complete and the glands added, Dobby popped back to the castle.
Hopefully that would be enough to keep Mr Harry Potter Sir safe for the remainder of the year, but Dobby would keep an eye on him. And the second he Mr Harry Potter Sir considering doing something silly, he would knock Mr Harry Potter Sir out and tuck him into bed with a charm to ensure Mr Harry Potter Sir could not leave it until morning.
Ω
Harry eyed the latest batch of socks with something like loathing. He was beginning to think Dumbledore really was a senile old crackpot. A boy could only use so many socks, and he sure as hell couldn't wear animated ones in the muggle world. Once again he sorted through them, setting aside the ones he could actually stand, and like clockwork Dobby showed up for a visit.
Greetings went round, as per usual. "It's been an odd year, you know?" he said. "First Chang vanished. She was pretty scary in a way, and creepy. She kept blubbering on me and trying to make out like the two of us were dating. I only asked her to the Yule Ball last year because she played quidditch, too, so I figured we'd at least have something to talk about. So I feel kind of guilty that I don't feel guilty she's gone. Sorta like Ron, I guess.
"And then Umbitch." He rolled his eyes. "She was just awful. And nobody could complain much because she had the backing of the the Minister and the Ministry. I'm so glad she vanished, even if I don't think I can ever get this scar to go away."
Dobby looked mournful.
"It's not your fault, Dobby," he said. "I'm just having trouble believing the Minister sent her here, because she clearly didn't know the first thing about teaching, and she was abusive. I have to wonder if Minister Fudge even knew what she was up to. But she's gone, and I refuse to feel sorry for feeling glad. I can't feel any guilt over that one."
Dobby brightened up again.
"What's really strange is that Snape disappeared! That's so brilliant! The man has been a complete arsehole from day one, and he's finally just gone poof." He sighed happily. "It's just amazing. For someone who was always going on about what a bully I supposedly am—just like my father, you know—he never could seem to see that he was being a bully to an innocent child. Such a hypocrite."
Dobby sneaked a glance at the pile of socks.
Harry laughed. "Yeah, these are for you if you want them. Everything has been going okay for you, right? You like working in the castle and all?"
Dobby nodded vigorously as he clutched his new pile of socks. "Dobby does! Dobby has so much to do here, it's won‧der‧ful. Best decision Dobby made to work here."
"I'm glad to hear that."
Ω
6TH YEAR
Dobby was both happy and very upset. Dobby was happy because Wheezy had birthed another babe. Dobby was such a stud! But Dobby was very upset because Mr Harry Potter Sir had called him for a visit and gave him alarming news.
"It's…" Mr Harry Potter Sir looked very anxious, even a bit afraid. "I was walking down one of the corridors to avoid all the idiots when I heard a voice I recognized. Ron's little sister. She, well, she sounded really strange, so I sneaked over to the door to eavesdrop, right? A bad habit, I know, but she just sounded so strange."
Dobby adopted an inquiring look.
"She's been making a love potion," Mr Harry Potter Sir said. "From what I could overhear, well… She was talking to herself about how she plans to use it on me so she can trap me in a marriage, all because she wants my money and entry into all the parties as the wife of the Boy-Who-Lived. I'm going to have to start testing everything I eat or drink. I probably should have been doing that anyway, but it just never occurred to me that someone might try something so nasty, even after finding out that the twins are selling mild love potions in their shop."
Dobby realized that Dobby was going to have to act. "Dobby can help check Mr Harry Potter Sir's food, but Dobby thinks Mr Harry Potter Sir should still learn how to himself. Just in case."
"Oh, I will, Dobby. It's just really upsetting. I'm sorry for venting on you."
"Oh, no, Mr Harry Potter Sir! Dobby is happy to listen."
Once he was able to pop away Dobby began stalking Miss Wheezy to see where she was making her potions. Mr Harry Potter Sir was right, Miss Wheezy was making love potions and Dobby heard for Dobby's self what she was planning.
This would not stand! Not if Dobby could prevent it. Poor Mr Harry Potter Sir, he had so many enemies. But Dobby was a good elf.
Dobby arranged things such that any wixen who in‧ves‧ti‧ga‧ted would believe that someone else was making the love potions and had used them on Miss Wheezy to lure her away from the school. Dobby then knocked her out, popped her away to yet another unbonded male house-elf, and handed her off.
Dobby brushed off his hands, and on second thought went and washed them, before resuming his duties at the school.
The next time Mr Harry Potter Sir called for a chat revealed that he was now concerned about two things. One was a lion-girl who kept giving him funny looks. Dobby managed to get an image from Mr Harry Potter Sir's mind so Dobby would know who to stalk. The second was that Bad Master's pointy-son was doing secretive things in the school.
So much work for Dobby! It was both fan‧tas‧tic and ex‧haus‧ting. At least the first of Dobby's brood was old enough to help with the other babes. Wheezy was proving to be a good breeder, so Dobby's initial mistake had been turned into a plus.
And best yet, all Dobby's babes had elf magic and wix magic, so none of them required a bond!
Dobby stalked lion-girl first and huffed when he realized she, too, was planning to use love potions on Mr Harry Potter Sir. How awful! Dobby knew what to do. Dobby had just done something similar recently. The scene was set and lion-girl was packed off to her new master.
Bad Master's pointy-son, on the other hand… Dobby shook his head. At least Dobby had an excuse now to deal with him. Bad Master's pointy-son was trying to both kill Whiskers (Dobby thought that was not such a bad thing) and make a sneaky way for Dark Lord's human-elves to enter the castle and cause death and de‧struc‧tion.
Dobby was having none of that nonsense.
Mr Harry Potter Sir was in danger, yet again, and Dobby was on the job. Dobby was starting to run out of unbonded male house-elves, though. Bad Master's pointy-son was knocked out, the nasty dark thing ripped out of his arm before being popped away, and handed off to his new master. Hopefully pointy-son would finally be useful for something.
Still… If Bad Master's pointy-son had been doing all that… Dobby snuck into Bad Master's o‧sten‧ta‧tious home and spied. Dobby was alarmed to find that Dark Lord was lording it up there, which meant Mr Harry Potter Sir was in grave danger.
Dobby had his work cut out for him!
And as Dobby was having trouble finding unbonded male house-elves at this point, Dobby would have to be cruel, like with toad-lady. Dobby man-napped each human-elf, one by one, and dropped them off with the colony, then when he had finally fed them all to the spiders, knocked out the Dark Lord and did the same.
Hopefully Mr Harry Potter Sir would be safe now. Because if Dobby had to deal with much more of this nonsense, Dobby might just search another country for an unbonded male house-elf, transfer Wheezy's bond to him, and take Mr Harry Potter Sir for his own.
For good measure, Dobby did the same thing to Whiskers, just to stop him from further interfering with Mr Harry Potter Sir's life. Dobby had overheard things! Not just from Mr Harry Potter Sir (who had a tendency to talk to himself and not realize it), but also from Miss Kitty and several other members of staff. Whiskers was a menace, even if he had given Dobby a job at the school.
Dobby huffed and got back to work cleaning.
Ω
Harry was feeling just a bit nervous. It suddenly came to him, after Ginny, Vane, and Malfoy had all disappeared, that there might just be a thing there. Involving Dobby. And then Dumbledore had vanished. There might have been more, especially as the Daily Prophet had been reporting the disappearances of a lot of suspected Death Eaters.
It made him think back over the years. Ron, Black, Moody, and Diggory—though he was skeptical on that one. Chang, Umbridge, and Snape. Ginny, Vane, and Malfoy. All vanished. All never seen nor heard from again.
Dobby popped in for the end of year visit and nearly startled him into a panic attack. Or a nervous breakdown.
"Is Mr Harry Potter Sir okay?"
"Oh, er, yes, Dobby. I'm fine. Just, you know, startled. I was thinking is all."
"Can Dobby help?" The determined glint in Dobby's eyes was now something to be just a wee bit wary of.
"I was just a bit suspicious, you know? So many people have just up and vanished, and all of them were, well, sorta enemies of mine? It's… I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not the least bit sorry most of them are gone, and I feel guilty for feeling that way about some of them, but…"
"Can Dobby tell Mr Harry Potter Sir a secret?"
'Oh, Merlin,' he thought, but nodded. "Sure."
Dobby puffed out his chest in pride. "Dobby is fan‧tas‧tic. Dobby has been very di‧li‧gent when it comes to Mr Harry Potter Sir's safety. Dobby even took care of nasty Dark Lord and Dark Lord's human-elves."
"…Human-elves? Oh, wait, you mean his minions? The Death Eaters?" The threatened panic attack was dialing back up to eleven.
Dobby nodded vigorously. "Dobby takes his work very se‧ri‧ous‧ly."
"…And, er, what did you do to them?" His voice was uncomfortably high, so he cleared his throat.
Dobby beamed. "Dobby took them away where they cannot harm Mr Harry Potter Sir. Dobby used a Reverse House-Elf Bond™ on the first one, so he could breed him. Then Dobby did the same with many others, after finding unbonded male house-elves. Some, though, Dobby fed to the spiders. Dobby could only find so many unbonded male house-elves. Dobby has many babes now, some even old enough to take care of the younger ones. Dobby must enforce the rules with Wheezy often, though. Wheezy is lazy."
He smiled nervously. "I see," he said, now terrified that if he upset Dobby in any way he, too, could be kidnapped and made to breed half-human, half-elf babies, with him as the mother, apparently. "Good job, Dobby. Thank you for looking out for my safety." In fact, he was contemplating fleeing the country the second he turned seventeen. Was Japan far enough away?
Dobby puffed up with pride again. "Does Mr Harry Potter Sir have more socks for Dobby?"
— fin —