For many weeks, Merlin kept his distance, only coming in contact with Arthur when necessary. Arthur seemed like a flower, wilting and embrittling slowly as the days passed. He completed tasks as Camelot's king but he did not do much else, he even refused to participate in knights' training more often than not.
Once, when Arthur was eating dinner alone in his room- Merlin entered without knowing he was there. When he realized that Arthur was there, he nearly turned on his heel to dash out but stopped when Arthur asked kindly for Merlin to sit with him. Merlin looked at the circles beneath his king's eyes, the growing slimness in his face, and did so, feeling miserable and guilty.
"I have missed you, Merlin," Arthur said softly.
"Of course, sire, the curse has made it so," Merlin said, avoiding his eyes.
"I used to be able to tell, between the curse and myself," Arthur's eyes seemed to lose a little light in them. "I can't tell anymore."
"I'm not sure what has happened, I was supposed to be the one cursed," Merlin admitted, looking at his hand which still bore the mark. Nothing he had done had helped. No spells could he find to discern the maker of the curse. Nothing he had tried in the passing days seemed to have made a lick of difference.
"Don't leave my side," Arthur requested, eyes looking hopefully into Merlin's. He gently placed his hand over his servant's hand, "You are my best friend."
"But, Arthur-"
"Do not force me to suffer alone, Merlin."
With this, Merlin felt the breath catch in his throat, he could not refuse. All the times which he felt his struggles alone, and wished for someone, he could not do refuse companionship for Arthur in a time it was his own fault.
"Of course, Arthur." Merlin smiled weakly, squeezing Arthur's hand gently in reassurance. "I am here."
The days passed in a fugue, one melting into the next as Arthur's face seemed to regain some color. Once, quietly, Arthur even admitted that he was having trouble simply eating, bathing, or even sleeping because of the sorrow of being parted from Merlin. All Merlin could seem to find the words to say were, that it was just a curse, that it was not real, and that eventually, it would pass. Arthur looked more like himself but the atmosphere around Arthur and Merlin began to make others uncomfortable.
"Did you two have a fight?" a knight asked, "You haven't called each other rotten names in weeks. Typically you two are like a married couple, at each other's throats-"
"We're fine," Merlin lied.
"I just wanted to make sure... his mother's birthday is tomorrow, and he typically wants to be alone then." The knight whispered, "I've known him since he was a boy, but with how he has been acting, I really don't think he should be alone this year."
Merlin understood the implication and swallowed thickly, walking away before a wave of emotions (predominantly guilt and concern) flooded him. He went straight to Gaius's books again, a last-ditch attempt to find some spell to help them through this.
Merlin tried searching for lost property spells, locating spells, identity spells, summoning spells, anything he could that may help; However, nothing seemed to be what he was looking for. Finally, it occurred to him, that he could use a memory spell. He could pull the memories and emotions embued in the box when it was cursed, in hopes of better understanding the reason for the curse and perhaps how to reverse it.
The potion would have to sit for one day and one night under the sky, completely undisturbed until it was finished, but it would be the main thing he needed to connect to the memories within the box. This potion, if done correctly, would be like a scrying mirror in which he could hopefully see why they were being punished this way. And, better still, he would be able to solve it all on his own without disclosing his use of magic to Arthur. Indirect use of magic is key; because should there be a failsafe of the curse doubling down with magical interference, the consequences could be irreversible.
So, with a plan in mind, he decided to spend the next couple of days with Arthur- in part to support him during his deceased mother's birthday, but also to keep a watchful eye on Arthur, so no further mishaps would befall him.
Merlin began that afternoon before Ygraine's birthday with a sense of foreboding, making it a point to tell Arthur his plans to stay with him in the coming day. Merlin's eyes felt hot when he saw such unreserved happiness in Arthur's eyes that he had not seen in a very long time, he merely cleared his throat and said a witty remark as his face fell. At that moment, he had no desire other than to bury himself deep underground where he could harm no one and be a burden to none.
With a cough, he found himself wrapped in a hug (over as quickly as it had begun) with a sincere thanks from Arthur. Finding himself in a strange need of a hug, pulled Arthur back to him and squeezed. He buried his face in Arthur's neck and whispered, "I wish I could do more, Arthur, I'm sorry."
"This is enough," Arthur smiled and whispered, "Your presence is enough, Merlin."
After a pause, Merlin found the words leaving his mouth before he had a moment to consider them, "How about we get away for a while?"
Arthur's eyes widened, "What?"
"Away from the castle, I mean." Merlin laughed awkwardly, as he did not intend to make it sound like a proposition.
"We would be alone," Arthur said carefully.
"I just thought your grief may be greater here," Merlin explained, "You know, tomorrow."
"I appreciate you thinking of me," Arthur explained dramatically, "but perhaps that may not be the best idea, considering my affliction."
"Should anything untoward happen, wouldn't it be better to be out of sight of the rest of the castle?" Merlin insisted, thinking of the potion. If he were to prepare it before they left, and arrive at camp before nightfall they could simply stay there until the next day or so when the potion was complete. Whatever magic he may have to do would be unobserved.
Arthur agreed, "I admit, some of my willpower is strained."
Merlin hazarded to ask what he meant by this, "In what way?"
"This has been something of a test of will, I know you do not see me in the same way, so I do nothing about these feelings."
"It's the curse," Merlin said weakly.
"I know," Arthur shrugged halfheartedly, "but it feels real."
"We will get through this, Arthur," Merlin assured.
Arthur half-smiled, turning his back to go begin packing some of his things, "I know Merlin, I trust you implicitly."
"I feel like that is not entirely sincere," Merlin sighed, tousling his hair in frustration.
"It is sincere," Arthur insisted, not looking back at his friend on the other side of the room, "I just know there is nothing else we can do. Magic got us into this mess, I don't want to involve any sorcerers in this."
Merlin felt the irony wash over him but simply exhaled and promised to meet him later that day.
"Where are we going exactly?" Arthur asked, finally looking over his shoulder to meet Merlin's eyes.
"I haven't thought that far ahead, no need to worry, though." Merlin bowed, making his way out.
"Me, worry?" Arthur muttered irritably under his breath, "With that plan? I just hope we don't end up missing."
Leaving the castle on Ygraine's birthday was easy enough, a somber silence fell on the castle in respect for her memory. When explained to the knights Arthur wished to leave the castle to mourn alone, there was only the smallest reluctance- an instance to bring an entourage for the king's safety. Merlin simply turned the request on its head and insisted Arthur needed his privacy in this matter. The knights gathered made no more fuss about the matter, simply wishing them well on their journey.
When Merlin brought out their provisions, he was surprised to find Arthur with his cheek pressed against the flank of his horse with a serene expression on his face, stroking her mane.
"Sire, the kitchen provided us with plenty of food to visit her resting place if you wish." Merlin offered, loading the saddle bags up.
"That sounds fine," Arthur hummed. "Honestly, I think I will be happy to have a rest from the responsibilities of the crown. I waited for this my whole life, but the road to this was much less straightforward than I planned."
"Life with you is far from what I expected for my life, Arthur."
"I will assume that was a compliment," Arthur jabbed, mounting his horse. "Onward, Merlin, we are losing daylight."
"So bossy," Merlin muttered to himself, finishing up and mounting his own horse.
They cantered on, making their way to the final resting place of the sainted queen.
After a few hours' ride, they made camp a few hundred yards away in the nearby forest and steep cliffside. The plan was that through the trees and down the rockface, they may look upon the area from the high ground, should anyone suspect the king visiting his mother's grave on the anniversary of her passing. In addition, Merlin could hide the vial of potion in the valley and keep a watchful eye on it.
Merlin was surprised that Arthur nearly seemed like himself again. He was not seeming to stick any closer to Merlin, not incorporating gentle but unnecessary touches to his person, nor vying for his attention. This had a combined effect of unnerving and reassuring Merlin, as he did not know how to take this change from recent behavior.
The constant closeness to Arthur as of late had started to muddle his feelings somewhat. His duties as king's servant had reduced almost entirely to being by Arthur's side as he did light chores in his room or at the throne side and was the occasional errand boy for Gaius.
Merlin seemed to not be able to leave Arthur's side for more than a few hours at a time before the king would become distant and moody. Then, the kiss they shared weeks prior had gone entirely unmentioned since it happened. Aside from that, the way Arthur went out of his way to reach for him or to touch him was the only indication that the curse still took effect. He felt as if he was catering to his king's whims perhaps a little too much, but he felt responsible for the whole ordeal. So this return to "normal" was something of a double-edged sword.
Did the curse resolve itself? Unlikely, but Merlin hoped so, for both their sakes.
A little before nightfall, Merlin slipped away while Arthur sat at his mother's grave, speaking to his mother's memory.
Merlin set the vial in a tall grass patch, turning his head to watch the sun setting behind the cliffside. He was not of the Faith, like most of Camelot, but he called upon his hope in the good of magic; hoping beyond hope for Arthur to be resolved of this burden and for things to no longer be so confusing.
His eyes looked up to the sunset and he made his way to Arthur, who seemed to have finally run out of words to say to his departed mother. Merlin had no desire to be privy to this quiet conversation and so he called from afar as he drew near, "Would you like to head back?"
Arthur simply propped himself upon his knee and stood with a nod, meeting Merlin halfway to climb up the rockface together. The footholds were easy enough to find, and the climb not too difficult, they returned to their horses with energy to spare and built a fire before the light dimmed too much.
"Thank you, Merlin," Arthur said nothing else for the rest of the night.
Merlin felt no ill feelings in this silence, merely a somberness as he laid on his side to watch in the dark for the spot he concealed the apparent solution to their problem. For a while he laid there motionless, unable to sleep, then eventually took a spot to sit closer to Arthur and guard him as he slept.
Beside Arthur's head laid the hand bearing the Mark of Anteros, with it he reached out he carefully pulled hair from Arthur's forehead that threatened to go into his eyes.
Under his breath, he whispered more to himself than the man asleep beside him, "Don't worry, Arthur, this will all be over soon. We have both suffered enough at the hands of magic, I will do everything in my power to fix this. You deserve better than this."
As Arthur roused a little in his sleep and turned at the touch, now on his back and eyes closed toward an endless sky, Merlin saw the peace and vulnerability in Arthur's face. He wished nothing more at that moment for Arthur's sense of peace to continue. Gently, with the touch of the softest wind, he stroked the hair of Arthur's head.
He whispered under his breath, half poem-half spell, in hopes for Arthur to remain happy in his repose:
"deditionem in pace
ut nulla manes morari
in somniis tuis
hoc volo
eneim tibi
dilectus meus rex "
surrender in peace
so no ghosts linger
in your dreams
I want this
for you
my beloved king
As Arthur's eyes fluttered at the tender voice, Merlin's eyes flashed yellow, and Arthur fell back asleep. Merlin wondered only for a moment if Arthur saw him perform magic, only for a sense of calm as he began to fall asleep against the tree behind him. What could be a better time for Arthur to find out? When Arthur's mind is so clouded with cursed infatuation, surely he would at the very least be unable to put Merlin to death, Merlin supposed. Merlin always felt he was hiding such a large part of himself from Arthur by hiding his magic, maybe they could finally be equals then. As his eyes began to slide closed, he moved his hand from Arthur's head into his lap.
The night did not linger a moment too long. Merlin woke and stretched with a yawn, waking up and his eyes met with Arthur's. Arthur still laid where he had fallen asleep, hands folded over his stomach, his head turned to watch Merlin awaken.
Merlin, upon realizing he was being stared at, began to blush and cough, trying to stand quickly and merely making himself dizzy.
"What's the rush, Merlin? You're the one who came to sleep by me, not the other way around." Arthur teased without the smallest hint of obvious amusement.
"I was protecting you, in case anyone were to invade the camp." Merlin lied, a lie that faltered at the start.
"Ah yes, big brave Merlin will save his king from the violent robbers who plan to maim and kill us," Arthur leaned up, arm hanging off his knee. "Admit it, my admirations are winning you over. You said it yourself, Merlin, anyone I want would be a fool to reject me."
"I said no such thing," Merlin huffed, "I'm going for a walk."
"Just say it's a nature call, Merlin, we are both adults here," Arthur called as Merlin stomped away.
"Clodpole," Merlin hissed under his breath as he stormed off to check on the potion.
Arthur watched from behind, thoughts clearer than they had been in a while.
The potion seemed to be the right color and consistency as he observed it without touching the vial, everything seemed according to plan. However, the conversation he had with Gaius before he left the castle came into his brain like the returning of a pesky rash.
"Merlin, what do you think you will be seeing in these visions of yours if the potion works?"
"Something about the sorcerer, anything at this point will help. I am at my wit's end here. I have tried everything else I can think of and who better to give me the key to solve this than the one who did it?"
"Don't you think doing this while going away with Arthur is somewhat selfish? There are ulterior motives here. He wishes to mourn his mother."
"The ulterior motive being making sure our king isn't shunned for trying to court a male servant now? I don't see your point, Gaius."
"Camelot loves their king, Merlin. Regardless of his bedfellows."
"Gaius, you are missing the point here."
"Am I, Merlin? You seem less concerned about his feelings in this and more about what people will think. Doesn't his opinion matter at all?"
"Gaius, he is cursed. His feelings are artificial."
"What of it? Cursed or not, you need to take him into consideration- regardless if you think this is for the best."
"Don't you think this is for the best, Gaius?!" Merlin yelled.
Gaius cleared his throat and sighed, "I merely am saying I have seen many hearts suffer in my long life for no good reason, I merely want you two boys to be happy- whatever that entails. I never had children. You two are the only family I have left. All that I ask is that you do not take his feelings lightly, just as you would not take your own to be so."
"Of course, Gaius," Merlin said half-heartedly, tossing the last shirt he needed into his pack and hustling out the door. "I always take care of him, don't I? Whether I want to or not."
Merlin wished those had not been his parting words with Gaius, but he could not dwell on the thought as he heard the wind whistle in his ear. The wind was changing. Odd.
Merlin strode from his spot to the grave, picking a few nearby wildflowers and placing them under a rock at the site. He stared quietly at the pile of stones and felt his chest tighten.
Ygraine gave her life for Arthur, the product of her complicated love with Uther; the man who betrayed her trust. What a fate, Merlin thought, he hoped that Ygraine died blissfully ignorant of the betrayal ever occurring. His fingers felt into the lush grass and closed his eyes, something like his druidic blood feeling a connection to the life and death imbued within the ground below.
The wind changed again, picking up and nearly knocking him off his knees, he looked to the grass afar and feared the potion disturbed. He had secured it somewhat into the ground, but did it hold? He stood, legs wobbling, about to run to the spot when the wind seemed to whisper to him.
Arthur... Arthur...
"Arthur!" Merlin took a deep breath, voice strangled as he scrambled to the cliffside, potion forgotten.
Arthur nearly leaped over the side of the cliff, running down the side and grasping Merlin's shoulders, eyes searching his body for wounds.
"Merlin! What is wrong? Are you alright? Speak!" Arthur dug his nails unintentionally into Merlin's arms, eyes wide and searching. His hands shook as his voice took on a gruff tone.
"I just, I had a bad feeling," Merlin admitted, at a loss for words as the wind burned his eyes. "The wind, it-"
"What?" Arthur calmed down somewhat, enough for his unimpressed tone to shine through.
"I'm glad you're okay," Merlin redirected. "I was just paying my respects."
"I was getting up to search for you, you had been gone too long to just be taking a piss," Arthur admitted with a nervous chuckle.
"I know this is out of the blue-" Merlin admitted, glancing at the hands holding his shoulders before looking back at Arthur. "But I apologize for not being more considerate of your feelings throughout this. I know these feelings are not real, but they are what you are feeling right now and I should respect that. I'm sorry, Arthur."
"It is a change, surely," Arthur shrugged, "As I am the one who typically shows no regard for how you feel. I'm sorry for the times I have been selfish and put myself ahead with no thought to you."
"I am your servant-"
"No, you are my dearest friend and I would hate to ever lose that. You have stood by me when others would have fled or hated me. Even now, you stand at my side. I can never thank you enough, Merlin." Arthur squeezed Merlin's arms and he began to bite his bottom lip, looking at his boots. "I am nothing more than a burden to you. I am lucky to have you in my life. I will no longer make selfish requests of you."
"You are also my closest friend," Merlin admitted, "I will always remain by your side. I am loyal to you, and you alone, my king."
"Leave that out of this," Arthur snapped. "I am not king right now, this is you and me. Your sense of responsibility is maddening at times, Merlin! When do you listen to your heart? When, Merlin!?"
"The last time I listened to my heart, a woman got killed," Merlin said stonily, thinking of the girl he could have loved, Freya. "I am the death of those who care for me; my father, my friends-"
Arthur finally looked back up into Merlin's eyes with fury.
"Your love will not kill me, Merlin!" Arthur shook him roughly, "If that is all you fear with this curse, forget of it!"
"I do not love you!" Merlin yelled defensively. "I am obligated to you! Whether you wish to admit it, our friendship will always be tarnished by the obligation I have as a servant to the king!"
"Is that all we are?" Arthur looked hurt, genuinely wounded by the remark.
"You are my destiny," Merlin whispered, "I am to serve the once and future king. I am to protect you, and the future you will bring, no matter the cost. That is all."
"Destiny is not fate, Merlin." Arthur chided, "You could have left my side at any time, you could leave me now, but you have not. Is that not love? You say you will protect me no matter what! Is that not love, Merlin?!"
"All I wish is for things to return to how they were! You are half the man now that you used to be. When you loved Gwen, you were more than this. I hate seeing you reduced to a walking corpse!" Merlin's lower lip shook and his eyes watered. "I hate being the reason you are like this. I blame myself."
"Every time you reject me, my heart dies more and more." Arthur touched Merlin's face, wiping his cheek with his thumb. "Could you not give in, just a little?"
"That would be wrong. In so many ways, I would be betraying you by doing this."
"Because you do what I want?" Arthur's voice hollowed.
"Because I would do it only because it is what you want."
Arthur nodded, letting go of Merlin's shoulders, making his way back to the camp. Merlin followed behind like a guilty pup, eyes straying to the spot where the vial was hiding- praying to no one in particular that it would solve everything. That all would be forgotten. That the things he was starting to question about himself, the ache in his chest, would no longer be a concern.
They sat at the campsite, eating some bread from provisions, and the silence was thick between them. The noises from the horses, the wind in the trees, and the sounds of a nearby stream were deafening in the silence. When a bird began to sing, the both of them nearly jumped from the shock.
"How are you feeling?" Merlin asked cautiously.
"Fine, thanks."
"I mean, honestly, after our conversation earlier you have me a little concerned."
"No need to fret over me, Merlin, I managed well over a decade without you attached to my hip."
"You weren't under a debilitating curse, then."
"Magic does not have an indefinite hold on me, I have some strength of will, you know."
"Then, by extension, you can fight the hold this curse has on you."
"I'm sure I have said this at least once before Merlin, but I do not wish to fight it. This is the most I have felt in a while, I also am quite enjoying the time we have spent together."
"This is not permanent, we will break this curse."
"It has been well over a month, Merlin. I will be willing to accept this if it cannot be broken. Better to love with no hope for feelings returned, than to never love at all."
"I am inclined to disagree with you, sire. I would much rather not waste my feelings on someone who cannot feel the same way."
"Are you sure of that?" Arthur asked with finality. "Have you tried?"
"Tried what?"
"To reciprocate my feelings."
"Ah yes, you mean the feelings that a disembodied heart in a cursed box gave you?! Arthur, are you insane?!"
"Have you considered maybe that is what will break the curse?" Arthur asked, grabbing a pear to eat from his things. "Perhaps giving this a chance would end it?"
Arthur spoke sloppily with his mouth full, the epitome of kingly grace.
Merlin scoffed, "Let's pretend it does, disregarding all the problems that would entail- what happens if I were to, theoretically, reciprocate those feelings? I am not a woman, and you are king. How do you expect to remain in power?"
"Who cares? It can be our little secret if it means so much to you. It is not so unusual as you may believe, Merlin, especially not in royal courts." Arthur laughed. "Besides, if the curse breaks, then the feelings will disappear. Isn't that what you want?"
"I want you to be yourself again," Merlin admitted. "If this is what it takes, then perhaps I can try," Merlin said half-heartedly, his mind still on the vial in the field.
He wanted nothing more than for the day to pass. At nightfall, he would be able to retrieve the vial and look at its visions beneath the full moon. Hopefully, he would not have to give in to the temptation to see if his confused feelings were unfounded.
"I said I wouldn't push you and I meant it," Arthur shrugged. "Any decisions to proceed from this point on will be in your hands."
"No pressure or anything," Merlin rolled his eyes.
"Says the one who was playing with my hair last night- although, admittedly, it did help me sleep. I haven't slept so well in years."
Merlin held his tongue, that it was more likely the spell he cast, but shrugged off the comment without acknowledgment. He would not reveal he was a sorcerer, not for such a trivial reason. Plus, it was embarrassing enough to be caught in the act, especially when Merlin was so vocal about not having feelings for him. Not that he did have feelings for Arthur, of course not, the prat.
"Merlin?" Arthur waved his hand in front of Merlin's face. "You were somewhere else.
Merlin blinked, regaining attention, "I was just thinking that you're a prat."
"I'm glad some things never change," Arthur tossed the pear core over his shoulder into the forest behind him.
"Duly noted," Merlin smiled a little, despite himself.
They shared a chuckle, and a pleasant silence fell between them. Arthur stood, saying he once again wished to speak with his mother, and left Merlin to his thoughts.
Merlin pondered whether he wanted to wade in these unknown waters, to see what this could be. His loyalty to Arthur was unending, his care for him immense, but did he love him? Could he envision himself romantically involved with Arthur Pendragon, of all people?
The one who seemed to constantly be stepping into one mess after the next because he doesn't know when to leave well enough alone, who could be so brutish, arrogant, and uncouth. The same Arthur Pendragon who- despite all of this- always stood up for what was right, who cared for his people with the same depth as though they were family, who loved wholeheartedly and without reserve.
Merlin balled his fists in his hair, cursing as the thoughts swirled around in his head. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could, but he could not escape it. He thought back to the kiss before, he had not allowed himself to dwell on it since it happened but as he relived it now, in his mind, he could see it more clearly.
In remembering it, his heart fluttered and his cheeks and ears turned dark red. He could not remember the feeling of Arthur's lips, his scent, or what he wore, but the expression he remembered clear as day. Arthur was smiling, a goofy sort of lopsided grin, the corners of his eyes crinkled as his eyes shone with playfulness. He could not say that the kiss was pleasant or not, simply that he felt so honored to see such a smile. Seeing Arthur happy was important to him, he knew that much.
Whatever this was, he could not let it get the better of him. When the curse would be lifted, Merlin would be the one hurt. Arthur would treat it like a bad dream. It would be best to let sleeping dogs lie.
When Arthur returned, Merlin was already cooking up some salted meat on the fire. There were still a few hours until sundown but the horses were already given food and water, food on the fire, and beds laid out for the night. There was something unspoken but calm in the air, Arthur set the wood off to the side and sat beside his servant with a huff.
"Why can't you be this efficient at the castle, Merlin?" Arthur joked, bumping their shoulders.
"Why, sire, because you're there," Merlin said without hesitation or overt malice.
Arthur choked on the air he breathed, laughing harshly and clasping his hand for balance upon Merlin's shoulder, "Hurtful, Merlin! Sometimes one does not want honesty so blunt!"
"Enough people kiss your arse as king, I will do no more than necessary to keep my job." Merlin stuck out his tongue, then turned back to what he was doing.
"I always liked that about you, Merlin. You always put me in my place. Even if I didn't appreciate it. Gwen did that too-" This was one of the first times he saw Arthur speak her name fondly without wincing, "But even she supported me at times she should have convinced me to do otherwise. I feel like you always push me to do my best, even if it means opposing me at every turn."
"I don't know about-" Merlin started, but was interrupted.
"You may not always oppose me to my face, Merlin, but I am not as stupid as you think I am. I know you go behind my back at times to do what you think is right." Arthur laid back, his hands propping him as he stared at the clouds. "That woman you spoke of, you loved her?"
"I think I did," Merlin admitted. "I wanted to run away with her. Nearly did, had she not wished for my best interests. I did not know her for very long but we were so alike. She understood me in ways few ever have. I could be myself around her without fear."
"What fear stops you from being yourself around me?" Arthur asked, not taking his eyes from the sky.
Merlin wondered if this could be the moment, could this be the best possible moment to divulge the truth? Arthur was under a spell, he would likely take the news much better than he normally would, he would hear Merlin out. He would likely hang on Merlin's every word. Why in these last couple of days alone had he felt so compelled to tell Arthur? Was he just being foolish?
In the silence, Arthur leaned up and their eyes met.
However, the fact still remained that when the curse was lifted, the rest was entirely unknown. Every time he was backed into a corner about his magic, his first instinct was to hide it. With Arthur, however, part of him always regretted hiding such a large part of himself from the person he was closest to.
Merlin sighed, looking at the imploring look in Arthur's eyes, and chose honesty, "When you know everything about me, Arthur, you will not look at me the same way. We can never go back to how we were."
Arthur's expression did not change, but he leaned on his elbows and stared at the sky rather than looking at Merlin, he looked irritable.
"In all honesty, I can understand. However, you know everything about me. You are there at my side for everything, every victory and every heartache, but I cannot say the same about myself to you.
I understand your desire to keep your life separate from mine, you are my servant. By all accounts, your life has been spared from execution at the hands of my father a few times now. There is an imbalance.
There would always be an imbalance, though I wish it weren't so. Even before all this, Merlin, I wanted nothing more than for you to always remain at my side. I cherish your friendship more than anyone. I always cared about you deeply, this spell- or curse as you always seem to find it- merely allowed me to see you in a new light. Should this spell be broken, I hope this chapter of our lives should not tarnish us." Arthur reached out to rest his hand on Merlin's hand, and gave it a few tender pats.
Merlin, overwhelmed with emotion, sprung over and hugged Arthur as tightly as he could manage, hovering over him.
He, in that moment, felt appreciated. He missed his mother, he missed his life before Camelot, he missed the ignorance of magic's dangers- but he endured it all for Arthur.
Arthur hugged back, tightly and curled his face into Merlin's neck.
As the sun began to set, the moment of truth began. Merlin felt Arthur's breath on his neck, warm and ticklish. His mind turned to Arthur's words, what if the secret was to give in?
For a moment, Merlin did not consider the consequences. He did not think of if Arthur were to have him killed after this. He did not think of what he would feel like should Arthur isolate from him. He did not think of if things should go too far. He did not think of love.
Merlin merely wanted, for a moment, to feel in full what his heart wished. Determined, he leaned away, Arthur's face inches from his. He took the plunge.
He kissed Arthur. The blonde did something resembling a squeak in shock but closed his eyes as Merlin pulled him closer. The kiss was not passionate per se- with warring tongues or clattering teeth- it was unsure, slow, and hopeful. Arthur smiled into the kiss, closing any distance left between their chests so you could not tell where one ended and the other began.
For a moment, Merlin worried for naught. He simply existed, entangled and enraptured with Arthur Pendragon.
A.N.
Yup, used Latin again instead of Old English for spells again just like my other Merthur fic bc no one can read it anyway and Latin is hard enough for me thank you very much lol
x deathbyinsomnia