Chapter 40
For the very first time in her life, the soon to be eighteen year old Yue Taqqiq had to admit that she was not enjoying her time at Iroh Nakamura's summer Pai Sho camp. The reason for it was a very simple one, the absence of Katara Enuaraq in the wake of their rapidly dissolving friendship.
She had spoken with Katara only once before departing for the month long retreat near Serpent's Lake. Yue had still been seething with anger by the time Katara had called her on Sunday, the day after she had stood Yue up by not showing up for their rendezvous in Agna Qel'a. Katara's apology had sounded earnest and the explanation she had provided had been reasonable, but it hadn't made Yue feel all that much better because all she kept hearing was how much Katara was willing to do in order to help Azula. And sure, Azula deserved to be helped, Yue would be the first to admit that, but the jealousy was making Yue feel physically ill. She had forced herself to remain cordial to Katara throughout the phone conversation, even though it hadn't been easy, especially when her best friend had told her that she would be skipping the Pai Sho camp in favor of continuing to help Azula. It just hadn't been a pleasant conversation to have.
Yue hadn't bothered to call back before departing for Ba Sing Se four days later and Katara hadn't called either, probably sensing that Yue was still upset with her. So, Yue had no idea where she stood with Katara at this point, but she kept telling herself that it didn't matter. Her life was destined to change forever once she turned eighteen in September. Nothing indicated her father's plans better than his response to Yue's inquiry about where she should submit her applications to pursue higher education. Arnook had replied that perhaps she should withhold any such plans for the immediate future. Yue had still sent applications to both BSSU and one of the local colleges in Agna Qel'a. She had mulled over long and hard about what she actually wanted to study, in the end settling for the very much not obvious choice of literary studies. Yue had no idea whether she would even have the chance to pursue her dreams of higher education, but at least she had done the preliminary work, just in case she found herself with the freedom to do so.
Given the uncertainty of her life, and the fact the she simply didn't have anything pleasant to look forward to in the near future, Yue was having a hard time enjoying herself at the camp. While she earnestly tried to have fun alongside Toph and Aang, the truth was that things just weren't the same without Katara. Besides, Toph and Aang had such a tight friendship that it often made Yue feel like the third wheel. Also, at this point Toph and Aang seemed to have grown closer with Teo Guyuk than they were with Yue, so the Water Tribe girl began to feel like she no longer fit in anywhere. She started to think that since Toph and Aang had been Katara's friends to begin with, then she must have lost claim to their friendship after falling out with Katara. When she was not feeling too down, Yue realized that she felt this way only because her gloominess gave way to dark thoughts. After all, Toph and Aang had never in any way indicated that they didn't want to be friends with her.
It was one afternoon at the Serpent's Lake estate, after Yue had emerged from her room having spent a while reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird', that she ran into the excited looking Aang and Toph on the terrace outside. "Ooh, Yue, you won't believe who just arrived!" Aang exclaimed. Yue peered at him, unsure if he expected her to make a guess. "It was none other than Zuko!"
"Well, that's not very unexpected," Yue shrugged, sitting down on the terrace with her two younger friends. "I'd say it's actually quite predictable that Zuko would visit his uncle." Zuko wasn't taking part in the camp activities this year. He had already turned twenty and his game was at a level where it no longer benefitted from what Iroh was teaching the younger kids. In fact, Yue felt that she was rapidly approaching that level herself, but at least for her there still was the aspect of hanging out with her friends. It was just starting to feel a little different, both because of Katara's absence and because of so many new faces, younger kids who Yue didn't know very well, running around and shouting excitedly.
"It's Aang, what did you expect?" Toph shrugged, grinning. "He gets excited about the most inconsequential things. Just now I had to listen to his ramblings about how one of the clouds in the sky looked exactly like Appa."
"Well, I thought it totally did," Aang replied, a little defensively.
"Don't all clouds look a bit like your pet yak, Aang?" Yue smirked. "I mean, they're all very fluffy."
"I suppose, but this one looked particularly yak-shaped," Aang replied. At that moment, someone else stepped out on the terrace, all three of them turning to look at the newcomer and recognizing the young man they had just been discussing. "Oh! Hey there, Zuko!" Aang waved at the Fire Nation youth. "Want to join us for a bit?" he immediately proceeded with the invitation, in his friendly manner assuming that Yue and Toph would be okay with it.
"Oh, it's you," Zuko looked at them, appearing distracted. "Hey," he paused, checking his wristwatch. "Uh, I suppose I have some time," Zuko then said, eventually sitting down with them.
"So, congratulations on your second U21 gold!" Aang said, grinning broadly. "Going for the clean sweep next spring, right?"
"Has anyone ever won all three finals out of three at that level?" Yue wondered.
"I don't know," Zuko shrugged. "I don't think so, at least not recently. Anyway, I'm not some Pai Sho historian."
"Well, you're going to face some tougher company next year, I suspect," Toph grinned. "Katara, Yue and Azula will all be gunning for you. Teo, Kori and Joo Dee will also turn eighteen. Hmm, then again, Yue has been telling us things about Azula, so who knows if she'll be playing next year."
Zuko frowned, not looking comfortable discussing his sister. "I've no idea about that," he shrugged.
"I really don't see how she could take part," Yue shook her head. "She'd have to go back to the Fire Nation in the fall to qualify, right? I think it would be crazy for her to go back."
"Well, she might already be there," Zuko said. "Azula could still end up with our father. Anyway, what about you, Taqqiq… sorry, I meant Yue? Are you going to keep playing?" Zuko asked in an obvious attempt to change the topic away from his sister.
"Of course, I will," Yue replied, even though she had no idea whether she would still be playing or not. If she married Hahn, maybe he would be against her playing so that she couldn't embarrass and humiliate her own husband by denying him the spot in the U21 finals. Still, she didn't want to share this with Zuko, nor did she want to upset Toph and Aang with her grim prospects for the future. So, she ended up… if not lying, then at least pretending that everything was fine.
"I think Katara is going to be the main threat to you, Zuko," Aang advised, looking thoughtful. "She's going to be super motivated after coming second twice in a row."
"I've never had any troubles beating her," Zuko shrugged, looking confident.
"Oh boy," Toph rolled her eyes behind the thick spectacles on her nose. "That's exactly the kind of attitude which is going to hand the title right over to Katara," she added with a snort.
"Hey, Zuko?" Aang gave the older boy a curious stare. "What are you going to do when you can no longer play juniors? Are you just going to stop Pai Sho for a few years while you finish your studies? You were studying law, right? You still probably have a few more years to do. I've never really been clear on how to manage all that."
"I still have three more years of studies left," Zuko replied, looking a little exasperated by Aang's questions. "But they are really frontloading the first two years of studies at the BSSU. You get most of the theory drilled into you early, and then it's mostly assignments that you can do at your own pace. I can do my final two years remotely and combine it with playing in commercial tournaments."
"Damn, I can't wait for the day when I can go up against an actual pro player," Toph sighed wistfully. "Now that's what real excitement must be all about!"
"Oh yes," Zuko nodded. "I can't wait to face my father at the Pai Sho board. The sooner I start playing him, the sooner I will figure out how to destroy him."
"Speaking of Ozai Nakamura, I just read in the papers that he has officially withdrawn from the defense of his world championship title," Yue said. "That has to really sting, right? He must have gotten himself messed up in a seriously bad way," she added, watching Zuko instantly appearing very uncomfortable. "Chill out, Zuko, Katara shared a few details with me. We know that it was Azula who did it to your father."
"That's what Azula says, anyway," Zuko muttered.
"Wait, what was that?" Yue quickly caught on to Zuko's words. "Are you going to dispute Azula's version of the events?"
There was a brief flash of anger in Zuko's eyes. "You don't know what Azula can be like! This could all be the part of a plot to get closer to my uncle and to then destroy our side of the family!" he exclaimed before taking a deep breath and lowering his eyes. "Anyway, when I told all of this to my uncle, he became really upset. I can't remember him ever being angry with me, but… well, he got really angry about this. And I do trust his judgment, so…"
"Come on, Zuko," Toph did not look at all impressed. "You really think Azula getting thrown into the loony bin for months is a part of some elaborate plot? Seriously, my brain hurts when I try to force myself to think about how stupid that sounds."
"Yeah, it sounds just a little too paranoid, Zuko," Aang nodded in agreement.
"Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I didn't choose to be like that. They made me paranoid with their plots and schemes!" Zuko exclaimed, looking both upset and ashamed.
"So, I have a theory regarding why you're so upset about this, Zuko," Yue spoke up calmly. "Of course, I might be wrong because I don't know you that well firsthand, but I've heard a thing or two from both Azula and Katara. And it seems to me that you have always seen yourself as the victim in your family drama. But now that all these horrible things are happening to Azula, it's probably making you wonder… maybe she's been a victim as well. And you've been building her up like your enemy for so long. To know that she has been abused for years must feel really awful and confusing."
"Well… yeah," Zuko sighed. "Ugh, I think that's it. Why do I need someone else, almost a complete stranger, to point this out for me?"
"Haha, some people are just pretty stupid when it comes to understanding their own feelings," Toph laughed. "Don't worry, Zuko, I'm kind of in the same boat. Where we differ is that you seem like someone who really dwells on things and then forms the wrong conclusions. Me, I just don't think about these things at all."
"Or you just want us to think so," Yue pointed out. Toph threw a grape at her, almost hitting Yue in the eye. "But yes, Zuko, you should probably do some soul searching regarding the way you feel about your sister, because I've heard that the plan is for her to go to Ba Sing Se and stay with your uncle."
"It's a terrible plan," Zuko muttered. "I wish they would think of something else."
"You can't want to send Azula back to her father, surely," Aang gave the older boy a wide-eyed stare. "You have a chance to get your sister back and actually try and work things out with her!"
"I'm not so sure about that. She might be too far gone already for us to work out anything," Zuko sighed. "I'm afraid that if Uncle Iroh takes her in, Azula will simply turn him against me and my mother. She's manipulative like that, and uncle is much too trusting and well-meaning. Azula could wrap him around her little finger if she wanted to."
"Wow, and here I thought that Uncle Iroh was the wisest man in the Earth Kingdom and you had complete trust in him," Toph said sarcastically.
"Yeah, the way you see Azula, she sounds like a really scary super villain," Aang nodded. "But we've all been hanging out with her. She's just a girl, Zuko."
Zuko looked a little skeptical, but he seemed far less certain by now. "I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "I suppose I might be misremembering some things that happened many years ago. I still don't feel good about Azula living under the same roof with uncle, though. I mean, it's not like I want horrible things to keep happening to my own sister, it's just that-"
"It's just that you're jealous," Yue interrupted him. "You feel threatened because you think you'll have to compete with Azula for your uncle's affection."
"Bah, I'm not jealous!" Zuko protested. "What I meant was… Azula has always gone after the things I cared about the most. And she almost always succeeded! But I'm still not jealous!" The others all exchanged stares and began to laugh.
"Sure, Zuko, you don't sound jealous at all," Toph wheezed, finding the situation utterly hilarious.
"Ugh," Zuko grimaced again. "I never should have sat down with you lot. You are all so annoying. Especially you," he pointed at Yue. "How can you be so perceptive? We aren't really friends or anything, but it's like you know me better than I know myself."
"I hate to say it, Zuko, but your true feelings are pretty obvious to anyone who's not emotionally colorblind," Yue smiled. Also, I may be perceptive about other people and their feelings, but when it comes down to understanding my own feelings and then making the right decisions based on this understanding… my track record is probably worse than Zuko's, and he's terrible at this. "I feel like you need someone to point these things out to you," she added.
"Maybe I do," Zuko admitted. "When Uncle Iroh tried to tell me something similar, I simply brushed him aside because I assumed that he was already corrupted by Azula's manipulative ways. But… ugh, I guess I'll have to chow down some humble pie and apologize to my uncle," he sighed, his shoulders slumping. He rose from his seat and turned to walk away. "Seriously, though? Thanks. I think I needed to hear this."
"Anytime, Zuko!" Toph called out after him as the Fire Nation youth walked away. Once he was out of the earshot, Toph shook her head and sighed. "That guy and his drama, whoa, I don't even know where to begin! I'm just glad the rest of us here aren't dealing with crap like that."
"Hear, hear!" Aang echoed his best friend.
"Well said, Toph," Yue nodded with a fake smile on her lips. If only I could tell you the truth, my friends.
Katara continued to visit the Crystal Castles Sanatorium every Saturday, both to spend time with Azula, and to receive therapy herself in sessions with Dr. Yagoda. Katara felt certain that both she and Azula were already doing much better by the time of her fourth visit in the middle of July. It didn't take long for Katara to acknowledge that this asylum was being run competently and its patients were handled with great care. Dr. Yagoda and her staff had noticed the positive changes in Azula and had adjusted her medication accordingly, no longer having her swallow mouthfuls of pills. As a result, during Katara's latest visit to the asylum, she was pleased to notice that Azula's emotional responses were not utterly dulled by a heavy dose of tranquilizers.
"Nurse Kya told me that you've been doing really well," Katara smiled after Azula had released her from the tight embrace they had shared. They were sitting by a fountain out in the asylum's sizable garden, which was definitely preferable to staying cooped up inside. Summers in Agna Qel'a were usually fairly mild, but today it was getting close to the eighties.
"I guess," Azula nodded. "That nurse is alright, by the way. She brought me a Pai Sho board. I'm no longer in danger of dying from boredom."
"Excellent!" Katara grinned. "We can play if you want to," she suggested.
"Maybe some other time," Azula replied. She blushed faintly. "I just want to sit with you for a bit, if that's alright."
"We can sit for as long as you want, Azula, we have hours," Katara smiled at her. "Dr. Yagoda will be in the whole day, I can see her for my therapy session later. The only concern for me is to not miss my bus back home."
"You could stay the night and go back home tomorrow," Azula suggested with complete sincerity. "You know, like one of those sleepovers you always wanted us to have."
"Haha, well… I would have to ask Dr. Yagoda about it, but it probably won't happen on this visit," Katara said. Azula pouted a little but then relented. "I mean, I would like it. I think it would be fun."
"I'm sure you can talk Yagoda into it," Azula nodded. "She's surprisingly… not terrible." That was probably the greatest compliment a psychiatrist was ever going to get from Azula. "I keep forgetting to ask how your sessions with her are going."
"Very good, I feel like I've been making progress," Katara nodded. It did seem like she was making progress, but Katara wasn't quite sure how much. She was starting to learn the difference between accepting responsibility and blaming herself, however. And they were making a much needed change to Katara's medication. Yagoda had been outraged to discover that Katara had been on Librium for nearly eight years, expressing grave concerns about her addiction levels. Katara was now trying to phase out her Librium usage with the help of a new medicine that Yagoda swore by, something called Tofranil. It did not seem to have the sedative effect that Katara occasionally needed, but she felt overall more positive and energetic, and she wanted to believe that it was down to her new meds. After all, her sessions with Yagoda would not continue forever, only for as long as Azula was at the asylum. Katara was in a race against time to make progress, but so far things had been going well.
"What about you?" Katara asked as they settled in more comfortably on the bench, Azula leaning slightly into her. "You appear to be doing a lot better, Azula."
"Yes, I'm starting to feel like a human being again. You know, if not for the completely absurd situation of being confined to a mental asylum in Agna Qel'a. Of all the things I imagined happening to me, this certainly wasn't on the list," Azula chuckled. Now that was a sign of progress in itself, Azula once again being able to laugh. "I like that Yagoda is being real about the things that are wrong with me. She doesn't feed me some vague bullshit. She said that to undo all the damage which my father has caused will take years and well, I might remain a little broken in some ways."
"I think we can work with 'a little broken', Azula," Katara said softly.
"I think so, too," Azula nodded. "Yagoda said that if the move to Ba Sing Se works, she's going to hand my case over to a shrink she knows and can vouch for, someone who mentored under her. So, I guess I'll have to look into that."
"That's a good idea," Katara said. "So, have you thought more about this move to Ba Sing Se?" she asked.
"I guess," Azula shrugged. "A part of me still doesn't believe that it will work, and my father will find some way to get me back under his control. He'll find some way to intimidate Yagoda. Or maybe he'll just send a group of armed men to extract me."
"He would not dare to do something like that on Water Tribe soil, surely," Katara frowned. She hadn't imagined a scenario this drastic. Now she was getting worried again.
"He probably won't, although I wouldn't put it past him completely," Azula sighed. "Anyway, if I manage to make a break with my father… I guess there aren't many other options for me to consider, other than taking my uncle up on his offer. I'm still skeptical, because I really don't understand why Iroh would bother doing this. Yagoda is trying to sell it to me as a good idea, though. I just don't know… I guess I have to try, right?"
"I really want you to try," Katara whispered. As promised, Iroh had called Yagoda, and then, a week or so ago, he had made the journey from Ba Sing Se, taking a few days out of his Pai Sho camp to come and meet with Dr. Yagoda face to face. It seemed that the two had hit it off well and were now in complete agreement about what was best for Azula. Iroh had not met with Azula during his visit, however, Yagoda fearing that it might be too soon and a more gradual easing into these new circumstances would be safer for Azula. At least, ever since Iroh's visit, Yagoda had started to slowly win Azula over regarding this idea of a new life in Ba Sing Se.
"I will try, but I'm still worried," Azula sighed again. "I know that everyone keeps telling me that Ursa and Zuko don't really hate me, not after everything that has happened, but… I mean, it's a bit hard to believe that. If I was in Ursa's place, I wouldn't want anything to do with the nasty little bitch that made her and Zuko's life a living nightmare. And I really, really hate to admit this, but fuck, Ursa was right about Ozai when she was trying to convince me to lie on her behalf in the court. My mother said that she knew that it was wrong to lie, but that I had to play along, because she could not leave me in the hands of an abusive monster. I laughed in her face and told her that daddy would never hurt me… Agni, can you believe how stupid I was? No wonder she took that settlement to leave me behind in the end."
"You can't blame yourself for trusting your father as a ten year old, Azula," Katara said softly.
"Yeah, that's what Yagoda is also telling me," Azula said. "Maybe there's some truth to it. Maybe I'll even start to believe it. But I think I just have to deal with it somehow, because clearly, moving to Ba Sing Se with Uncle Iroh is my best option, as much as I don't like it."
"Maybe it won't be so bad after all, Azula," Katara spoke quietly. "You know, if I were to get accepted by the BSSU, we would be living in the same city. Wouldn't that be awesome?"
"I… that would change my view on this move quite a bit," Azula admitted without much thinking. "You must get accepted, Katara. I'm so tempted to name drop to that application committee and make sure that they don't end up turning you down for some stupid reason."
"Oh, you don't have to do that. I'm feeling reasonably confident about squeezing in," Katara laughed.
"As you should," Azula agreed. "Also… I should probably stop using my family name to try and influence other people. It's what Ozai would do, and well… I want to do the opposite of what he would do."
"That's a very good rule of thumb," Katara said. "I know we shouldn't build up our hopes too much, because there's always the chance that they might collapse, but I really want to believe in this vision of future of us both living close by and being able to hang out regularly, as best friends should. And for some reason, I feel really confident that it's going to work out in the end."
"That would be good," Azula agreed. "Wait, did you just call me your best friend?"
"Yes, do you have a problem with being my bestie, bestie?" Katara asked playfully.
"Well… no, it's just that," Azula hesitated slightly. "I thought that you were best friends with Yue, you've been close for so many years and-"
"And what?" Katara asked.
"Uh, nothing," Azula seemed a little flustered. "What I said earlier. I thought that you were best friends with Yue, so I'm wondering if something has changed."
"You could say that," Katara sighed. She had called Yue to apologize after missing their appointed rendezvous in Agna Qel'a, but that conversation had not gone well, the tension had been palpable. The worst part about it was that Katara never found out what Yue had wanted to talk to her about, but it had seemed important, and all that Yue was willing to say now was that 'it didn't matter anymore'. And then Yue had gone to Ba Sing Se for the summer Pai Sho camp, feeling even angrier after Katara had told her that for the first time in many years she would not be attending. Katara felt simply awful about having failed to resolve the situation, and now the girl who held the keys to her heart remained upset with her.
"Is Yue angry because you didn't go to the event that uncle hosts every July?" Azula asked, surprisingly perceptively. "I still feel bad that you're missing out on it for my sake. You've always been so excited about going there."
"Don't worry about it, Azula," Katara told the other girl. "There will be other years to attend the camp. This year helping you was more important. Besides, I'm getting help too, and that's also very important."
"It is," Azula nodded. "But you didn't answer whether Yue is angry at you. She is, isn't she? Is she angry at me, too?"
"What? Of course she's not angry at you!" Katara exclaimed. Azula's question left her feeling confused. "Why would you think that, Azula?"
"Well, you're choosing to spend time helping me instead of spending time with her," Azula replied.
Katara paused, trying to understand what Azula was really saying. She seemed to be asking whether Yue was feeling jealous towards her. And that was kind of ridiculous, of course. Yue wouldn't feel jealous just because Katara was going to extraordinary lengths to help this other seriously attractive girl who was merely her best friend. Huh, when you think about it this way, maybe someone who doesn't know where things really stand could make the foolish assumption that I feel more than just friendship towards Azula. But that's just not true. I know perfectly well where things stand between us.
"It's really nothing, Azula," Katara said in reply. "She was a little upset when I told her only at the last moment that I'll be missing the camp. We'll work things out as soon as Yue returns from Ba Sing Se. Don't worry about it."
"If you're sure," Azula remarked.
"I'm positive," Katara nodded. Am I positive? And do I know perfectly well where things stand between me and Azula?
One thing was clear, though. They both were currently emotionally compromised and vulnerable. This was definitely the wrong time for such dangerous thoughts to start popping up.
Next chapter: Ozai attempts to regain custody over Azula. Will Yagoda stand firm in the face of his requests? Also, it is time to explore Azula's POV. It was too dark and drugged place to look into, but she's recovered enough for us to take a peek.