Chapter 41
Azula did not altogether hate her time at the Crystal Castles Sanatorium. There was loneliness, of course, but it was broken up by Katara's visits, her therapy sessions with Yagoda, and the occasional chat with the friendly nurse. All in all, she was actually socializing more than she would have during her summer stay on Sozin's Island. The only thing she truly missed was her horses. Innocence and Goldflake were among the most important reasons why Azula remained skeptical about this whole plan of going into exile in Ba Sing Se. Who could predict what her father would do to her precious horses when he learned about her ultimate betrayal? Azula wanted to protect her horses so badly that she occasionally contemplated the idea that perhaps she should go back to Ozai after all and endure whatever he had in store for her, just for the sake of Goldflake and Innocence. But as much as Azula loved her horses, she still realized that this was probably a terrible idea.
Her stay at the asylum did not feel like imprisonment, because it was frighteningly similar to her life in general up to this point. While she was not allowed to keep up with the recent events of the world by watching the TV, listening to the radio or reading the newspapers, because her stress levels apparently needed to be carefully managed, Yagoda had allowed the nurse to bring her a Pai Sho set as well as a reasonable collection of preapproved books to read. All in all, she wasn't any more bored than she would have been back in the Fire Nation.
Boredom was the least of Azula's concerns, however. As always, she did her best to downplay her mental struggles to Yagoda and Katara, but they were both very difficult to fool. Azula had to admit that it was unlikely that anyone of sound mind would be convinced that a seventeen old girl who had viciously stabbed her father to stop him from carrying out sexual assault was feeling 'just fine'. Azula was perfectly aware that she wasn't fine. She had stabbed her own father, injuring him gravely. A couple of years ago, she would have considered such a thing blasphemous to even contemplate. She had almost deified Ozai at some points in her life, this all-seeing and wrathful god ruling every aspect of her life.
Over the past few years, her blind devotion to her father had crumbled, slowly turning into resentment and then further into hatred. But even so, Azula could not have imagined herself capable of actually attacking her father. Yes, she had asked Sokka to procure the knife, but she had imagined only using it as a deterrent, not as an actual weapon. But when her father had pinned her down on the bed, trying to restrain her, something within Azula had snapped. She didn't even remember stabbing Ozai. When she realized what was about to happen, she had gone into a frenzied panic mode. The next thing Azula remembered was her father bleeding all over her before staggering away, clutching at his side.
And despite intellectually realizing that she had been justified in protecting herself, because of the way Azula had been brought up the very idea of raising her hand against her father carried with it deeply ingrained wrongness and sinfulness. Azula found herself in a deeply disconcerting state of mind as she felt both justified about what she had done, yet at the same time feeling horrified by it, and these conflicting emotions constantly tore away at her. She wasn't sure whether therapy or the pills could ever make her completely okay with what had happened. Then again, Yagoda hadn't promised that it would all just go away at some point. She had, after all, suffered an attempted sexual assault. Yagoda kept telling her that between therapy sessions, medication and by working on herself, Azula could learn to manage her life. It didn't sound very promising. Was that what she had to look forward to when contemplating her future? Not living her life and enjoying it to the fullest, but instead just managing it?
Azula had discovered another fine consequence of this whole traumatic encounter with her father. On a couple of occasions when someone from the asylum staff had entered her room without knocking, Azula had completely freaked out. Her mind immediately went back to that evening in Caldera City when Ozai had stormed into her room without a warning before launching himself at her. Azula's hand had slipped under the mattress in search for the knife, not finding it. Then she had dived out of the bed and hid underneath it, breaking down in tears and refusing to come out. Fortunately, Yagoda and the nurses had quickly realized what was going on and now everyone knew to clearly announce themselves before entering Azula's room. But yes, she now had a whole new phobia to manage, which was just great.
No, Azula couldn't convincingly lie to herself that she was doing well, when she so clearly wasn't. She wanted to think that things were slowly improving though, but convincing herself of that also wasn't easy when her progress was so vague and difficult to quantify. Yagoda always kept telling her how she was improving, pointing out this or that little thing which Azula had done that apparently showed her progress. Azula really wanted to believe what Yagoda was saying, but the only times when she truly believed it was when she heard it from Katara's lips.
The visits of her best friend were the highlights of her stay at the asylum. She only wished that Katara could stay for longer periods of time. At least Yagoda had consented to Katara staying overnight on Saturdays and going back home on Sunday morning, so they could do the whole sleepover thing which was simply the best thing ever. They would talk for hours on end, play Pai Sho and do girly stuff, like doing each other's hair. But what they liked to do most was to fantasize about what life would be like with them both living in Ba Sing Se and being able to hang out regularly. Azula knew that perhaps it was not a good idea to build up this possibility so much because neither of them could be sure that it would come to pass, but still, Azula often felt as if it was only this dream for the future that kept her going.
After all, if Katara was in Ba Sing Se, then Azula suddenly felt much less conflicted about moving in with her uncle. She was still freaking out about it a little, even if both Katara and Yagoda kept telling her that Iroh truly wanted to provide for her. After thinking ill of her uncle for so long, the very idea of accepting charity from him made Azula feel more than a little guilty. There was talk of Iroh coming to speak with her in a couple of weeks. It was making Azula very nervous, even if she realized that it needed to happen if she was to have an actual relationship with her uncle while living under the same roof with him.
And if the idea of living with her uncle was making Azula feel a little nervous, the thoughts about having to interact with Ursa or Zuko downright terrified her. Katara had told her that Ursa and Zuko had been shocked by what had happened to her and that they were full of sympathy and wanted to help, but Azula didn't quite believe her best friend. Not because she thought that Katara was lying, her Water Tribe friend wasn't the sort to lie to her. It was just that Katara had grown up in such a loving and caring family environment that had remained supportive even after the loss of her mother. Katara always assumed the best about people, and she probably couldn't truly imagine just how venomous Azula's relationships with Ursa and Zuko had been. To imagine that there would be an easy fix just because Azula had been cast down from her ivory tower was just naïve, though Azula did at least acknowledge that Katara's willingness to look for something decent within everyone was a large part of what Azula found so endearing about the other girl. After all, if Katara wasn't like that, she would have never given Azula a chance, and would not have tried to pursue friendship with her.
Katara. The Water Tribe girl had inescapably become the focus of her life, almost like a symbol of hope that perhaps, just perhaps, Azula could still find a way to make something out of the shambles that was currently her life. It felt a little scary to have someone in her life who just… meant so much, and not in that frightening and wrathful way in which Ozai had loomed over her very existence.
But of course, having Katara in her life presented certain problems all by itself, because Azula just absolutely had to have a cloud for every silver lining. It was back in April when Azula had first realized that she was starting to fall in love with Katara. Seriously, how could she not fall for Katara? They had more things in common than just their love for Pai Sho, and where their differences were concerned, the Water Tribe girl complimented Azula's shortcomings so perfectly. Not to mention that Katara was so effortlessly beautiful and so imperfectly perfect. It was no wonder that Azula's crush on Katara was not waning. It was only growing and becoming stronger by the day.
However, Azula acknowledged that she was currently in a state of mind where she couldn't quite trust her own feelings. The medication she was taking had an impact on her mood swings and her very emotions. It was hard to be certain of anything that she thought she felt right now. She retained enough awareness to realize that this was not a good moment in time when she should do something about her growing attraction to Katara. Not that Azula was certain that she would be able to do anything about it even if she admitted that the moment was right. The idea of confessing her feelings to Katara was so scary that even thinking about it almost brought forth a panic attack.
Besides, it was all moot anyway, because Katara liked Yue, she had said as much herself. Although… it seemed that lately not everything was fine between the two Water Tribe girls. Katara had said that Yue still hadn't called her after the summer Pai Sho camp had ended, so perhaps their relationship was falling apart? Azula felt conflicted about that. She liked Yue, and the idea of her and Katara feuding made Azula feel bad. But she obviously wanted Katara to get over Yue, so… ugh, it was complicated. Still, Azula kept telling herself not to get her hopes up. Katara had been close with Yue for seven long years, if not more. That was not a bond that could be severed easily or without a lot of heartbreak which Azula didn't wish on either girl.
Then again, what was giving Azula hope was the very fact that Katara had abandoned all of her summer plans just to be with her and she was going out of her way to help Azula, way beyond what could be reasonably expected from most people. It was probably just because of the type of person that Katara was, selfless and kind. But perhaps there was more than that. Azula was trying not to read too much into it, and while she was quite adept at reading certain largely negative emotions like fear, panic and nervousness in other people, she wasn't necessarily very good at interpreting some of Katara's reactions that seemed unusually affectionate. The way Katara's eyes sometimes lingered on her, the way her smile seemed to become a little dreamy when Katara spoke excitedly about the future she imagined for them in Ba Sing Se, the way her cheeks sometimes colored with a blush when their eyes met… it all made Azula wonder if maybe, just maybe, Katara felt something for her as well.
And yet, the threat of her father still remained there, looming over whatever future that Azula might be dreaming of. Even if Katara was into her, did Azula dare to act on her feelings, considering the long reach of her father and what he was capable of? Even if she managed to break away from Ozai and go on to live in Ba Sing Se, did that truly mean safety from her father? Obviously, it did not. Her father's reach extended across the world and he had strong ties to many powerful people in Ba Sing Se, Long Feng chief among them. He could still find ways to make her life miserable. And if he was to learn that she was openly dating a girl, well… Ozai would certainly be tempted to place a hit on Katara. Azula could not put this possibility past her father.
In fact, this particular fear had been festering so much that lately Azula had begun to suffer from this nasty reoccurring nightmare, replaying what had happened to Jet in Ba Sing Se, only with an unconscious and bleeding Katara being strapped to a stretcher by the paramedics before being loaded into the ambulance. It was making Azula freak out quite a bit, not to mention that it wasn't something that she could open up about without betraying her true feelings towards Katara.
It was while sitting in the asylum's garden and pondering all of these complicated issues plaguing her, that Azula suddenly noticed a pale-faced nurse Kya approaching her. "Azula, could you please come with me?" the nervous looking nurse asked her.
"What? Why?" Azula asked, feeling alarmed by the older woman's distraught state. It wasn't that she didn't trust nurse Kya, it was just that… she didn't trust anyone, with the sole exception of Katara.
"Please, Azula, we must hurry," Kya spoke urgently, trying to take Azula's hand, but Azula pulled away. "I've been sent by Dr. Yagoda to take you someplace safe."
"I thought I was placed here because it was safe," Azula eyed the nurse warily.
"You are, but we just need to… relocate you for a brief while, until a certain visitor leaves again," Kya replied, looking uncomfortable. She had probably been instructed not to tell Azula the details, but the Fire Nation girl realized the truth instantly.
"He's here. Ozai is here," she repeated numbly before panic kicked in and she shoved the nurse aside and turned to run. At that moment, she wasn't really thinking about what she was doing, simply sprinting in a random direction. It was fortunate that nurse Kya reacted quickly, chasing Azula down and eventually managing to catch up with her, finally being able to seize Azula and look her firmly in the eyes.
"Azula it is very important that you get a hold of yourself this very instant," Kya spoke in a commanding voice that compelled Azula to listen. "We will keep you safe, I promise. I will take you someplace safe where your father will not think to look for you. Dr. Yagoda has arranged everything beforehand. Preparations have been made in case your father tries to take you back. You need to trust me, though. Can you trust me and Dr. Yagoda, Azula?"
Azula hesitated. She didn't fully trust either Kya or Yagoda, even if they had been honest in their dealings with her thus far. But what choice did she have? Trying to flee and hide while in a state of panic would probably end very badly for her. When Kya reached out to try and take her hand once more, Azula did not resist, instead choosing to follow the nurse while hoping that she wasn't making a tragic mistake.
Katara felt unusually cheerful and optimistic as she made her way through the streets of Agna Qel'a, walking towards the Crystal Castles Sanatorium. She was going to see Azula again, which was awesome in its own right, but on top of all that she also had great news to share. Her application to the BSSU had been accepted and she was scheduled to enroll within a couple of weeks. Katara had been especially pleased about the way the courses were scheduled. The first three years or the pre-clinical course would be intense, but Katara figured that she could successfully combine her studies with playing Pai Sho at the U21 level.
As for what came after, the BSSU appeared to be very flexible about the clinical part of the course. Katara would be able to split it all into easily manageable chunks and then tackle them at her own pace, choosing from the many BSSU affiliated hospitals throughout the Earth Kingdom. Even though Katara knew that medical studies required a lot of hard work, she still hoped that she could somehow manage to combine them with continuing her Pai Sho career. She hadn't yet abandoned her dream of one day becoming a part of the professional tour. Katara never intended to play as intensively as some of the players on pro tour, up to eight or even ten tournaments a year, alongside dozens of weekend speed Pai Sho events. Katara was always going to pick and choose, limiting herself to maybe three or four tournaments per year. Katara figured that this way she would be able to avoid burnout and still pursue her medical degree. All in all, she couldn't wait to start this new chapter of her life, and she couldn't wait to share the news with Azula.
There was only one thing that was keeping Katara's mood subdued as of late. Yue had never called her even after coming home from the Serpent's Lake summer camp. Katara had called Yue on several occasions, but every one of her calls had been answered by some haughty sounding servant, informing Katara that Her Ladyship was too busy to take any calls. Finally, Katara had gotten through a few days ago, having received her letter of acceptance from the BSSU and hoping to share the good news with Yue. They had spoken for a few minutes, and Yue had appeared cordial when congratulating her, although she had felt somewhat standoffish as well. Katara had attempted to find out more about Yue's plans, about her general state of mind, but Yue had dodged all of her inquiries with the skill of a professional escape artist.
It was hard to interpret the changes in Yue's attitude towards her as anything other but an attempt to cut Katara off. And that hurt Katara a great deal because she still didn't know the exact reason why Yue was cutting her off. Katara knew that it couldn't be because of that one time when she had stood Yue up. Katara felt that it had happened due to extenuating circumstances and she couldn't imagine that this one incident could have destroyed years of friendship… and their relationship was about more than just friendship. Katara increasingly began to feel that Yue's actions had to do with her unwillingness to walk away from her father and his plans for her. Yue's eighteenth birthday was less than a month away, and it seemed that Arnook Taqqiq was not going to waste any time before handing his daughter over to the Adjuks in marriage. Katara knew that Yue didn't truly want this. She was afraid that her friend was making herself miserable with this choice she felt forced to make. Perhaps Yue felt ashamed for lacking the strength to fight her father. Perhaps she thought that maintaining contact with someone she genuinely loved, and was loved by in return, would make her loveless arranged marriage all that much harder to endure, and that was why she was trying to break off their connection.
And if Yue had made up her mind about this, then Katara couldn't do much to persuade her, especially when Yue was reluctant to even talk to her. Perhaps Katara would just have to accept that Yue was out of her life… spirits, but that hurt to even think about, much less to accept. If Yue did not continue her Pai Sho career, then it was possible that their paths would never cross again, and that thought just made Katara want to cry. Yue had been an important part of her life for so long. Her absence made Katara feel as if there was a gaping wound in her chest. She was desperately trying to convince herself that she had to move on, that she had to finally accept that there was no longer any chance of them having a relationship, but damn it, forcing herself to stop loving someone like Yue was hellishly hard. Katara was grateful that she had such a powerful distraction in Azula and her desperate situation, taking up a lot of Katara's thoughts and stopping her from becoming too depressed about falling out with Yue.
It was with these thoughts on her mind that Katara approached the Crystal Castles Sanatorium, her heart suddenly leaping in her mouth at the sight that greeted her. Parked in front of the asylum were three cars, an impressively large black limo and two other, less important looking black vehicles. Several men were standing around the parked cars, leaning against the asylum fence, smoking and talking among themselves. They all looked quite intimidating and dangerous, and Katara immediately identified them as the bodyguards of Ozai Nakamura.
Katara froze, feeling close to a panic attack, fighting to regain control of her nerves. She took several deep breaths to steady herself and eventually her brain went back into thinking mode. The first thing Katara immediately realized was that she definitely should not stand around and lollygag like a curious out of place idiot, because that would surely make Ozai's goons suspicious. She needed to act natural. Katara had always used the staff entrance during her visits to the asylum. A quick peek at the driveway suggested to Katara that it was free from Ozai's goons, which made sense as Ozai would have obviously used the front entrance. Katara casually strolled down the driveway, ignoring the side glances from some of the bodyguards, but they did not react, fortunately assuming that she was a member of the asylum's staff. There were no suspicious men lurking around the back of the asylum either, so Katara quickly walked up to the staff entrance and knocked, expecting to be let in by nurse Kya.
The doors were opened for her shortly afterwards, but much to Katara's surprise, it was not Kya on the other side, but instead one of the doctors working directly under Yagoda. She obviously knew who Katara was and why she was here, her visits to the asylum were not kept secret from the rest of the staff, but the woman still hesitated to let Katara cross the threshold. "Miss Katara… I am not sure what to do," the older woman whispered to her. "This is obviously a bad time."
Even standing on the doorstep of the staff entrance, Katara could hear the sounds of a male voice shouting loudly upstairs. That's the voice of Ozai Nakamura. "Where is Azula?" Katara whispered at the doctor. "I should be with her. She must be freaking out."
"She's not here," the doctor replied quietly. "Yagoda had the nurse escort her to safety. We fear that Ozai might order his men to storm the premises and try to remove Azula using force."
"He would not dare," Katara exclaimed, even if she knew full well that there were no limits for a man who had attempted to sexually assault his own daughter.
"Let's hope you're right," the doctor nodded nervously. They both fell silent, continuing to listen to Ozai's shouting coming from Yagoda's office. If the elderly doctor was saying something, then she did so quietly and Katara could not hear her voice. Katara could barely make out a few words of what Ozai was saying, but it seemed as if he was largely shouting obscenities. After considerable time spent yelling, Ozai finally lowered his voice, and now Katara could no longer hear a thing. "It seems that he has finally calmed down," the older doctor said, looking hopeful.
"No, I think he's making threats now," Katara said. "That's why he's speaking quietly. He doesn't want to be overheard."
"Oh!" the doctor's eyes widened in realization. "That man is…"
"A monster?" Katara suggested.
"As a psychotherapist, I should not agree with such characterization," the doctor smiled thinly. "But it's hard to argue-" she stopped when the doors of Yagoda's office opened. Suddenly, they could hear the elderly doctor speaking, loudly and insistently ordering Ozai to leave the premises.
"Don't think for a moment that this is over, you shriveled old bat," Ozai gave one last parting shot before slamming the doors behind him and all but running down the stairs. Even though they weren't in Ozai's direct line of sight, Katara and her companion still ducked under the stairs, just to be sure they weren't spotted. Fortunately, Ozai did not linger and instead headed straight for the front door and walked down the path towards the gate.
"That was scary…" Katara admitted, shivering like a leaf. She was so grateful to know that Azula had been escorted away to safety. Katara could not even imagine how traumatic listening to her father screaming and ranting would have been for her best friend.
"It's not over yet, my dear," the older woman said as together they walked up to the front door and peered out through the colored glass. It was a little hard to see, but it seemed that although Ozai and his goons had gotten back into their cars, they were not driving away. "He might still decide to send his men inside to sweep the place."
"That would be insane," Katara shuddered. "I know you don't have many patients aside from Azula, but wouldn't that be hugely upsetting for them?"
"Oh, it would cause setbacks for many of our patients," the doctor nodded, then breathing a huge sigh of relief when after a few tense minutes, Ozai eventually gave a sign to his driver and the limo together with the two other cars took off. "Well, that was hugely unpleasant," she sighed, turning towards Katara. "Please, would you go out into the garden and wait there? Dr. Yagoda will shortly give the word to return Azula to the asylum. You won't have to wait for too long."
The doctor hadn't lied to Katara and after twenty difficult minutes of nervous waiting, Katara suddenly spotted nurse Kya leading a pale and shaken looking Azula into the garden. Katara immediately jumped up to her feet and ran over to her friend. Azula's eyes immediately lit up with joy as the two girls embraced, overflowing with relief.
"He's gone," Katara said softly once they had parted and the nurse had discreetly made her exit, leaving them alone. "I don't know what Yagoda told him, but it seems as if storming the mental asylum in a foreign country to remove you by force is something that your father won't quite dare to try."
"I honestly wasn't sure what he was going to do," Azula sighed as they eventually sat down in front of the fountain at the center of the garden. "It seems that I've lost the ability to predict my father's actions."
"Hopefully this will mean a reprieve for you," Katara said.
"For now," Azula nodded. "My birthday is less than a week away, so… but just because I would have come of legal age, it doesn't mean that my father will stop attempting various other ways to coerce me into going back to him."
"I know," Katara sighed. "But we'll deal with it one step at a time."
"We?" Azula gave her a curious stare.
"Well… yes," Katara nodded with a shy smile on her lips. "You should now be free to move to Ba Sing Se with Uncle Iroh. And I can finally give you the good news. I'll be your neighbor in Ba Sing Se, studying medicine!"
"Oh… that's… that's great," Azula was clearly trying not to look too happy, but she was still overcome with emotion. They ended up in a tightly locked embrace once again. "Yagoda doesn't think I'm quite ready to leave the asylum, though."
"How much time does she think you'll need?" Katara frowned. "I don't really like you being here, not with your father lurking around."
"She says probably around a month," Azula shrugged. "I think it's going to be fine, even if… this didn't help. Anyway, when are you leaving for Ba Sing Se?"
"In a couple of weeks," Katara replied. "So, we have two more weekends after this one. But hopefully you can come to Ba Sing Se in September."
Azula looked both excited and nervous. "When Iroh comes to pick me up, could you-" she began awkwardly.
"Of course, I'll come with him, silly," Katara chuckled, putting her arm around Azula's shoulders. "I'll do my best to help you settle into your new home."
"Thank you, Katara," Azula looked relieved. "I'm just… not sure how any of this is going to work. I mean, I have nothing to my name, even the clothes I'm wearing aren't mine. I don't even have my Fire Nation passport. Once I'm in Ba Sing Se, what am I actually going to do?"
"I think you should focus on getting better first and foremost, which means continuing to see a therapist," Katara smiled. "As for the other things, they have a tendency to resolve themselves. You'll see."
Azula didn't look happy about her reply. "How can you be so damnably cheerful and optimistic all the time?" she frowned. "Your life has been a tough slog through crippling personal loss and poverty. You should have no reason to believe that everything will just magically work out!"
Katara thought for a moment before replying. "What you said about my life thus far has a grain of truth in it, but the thing is… despite it all, I feel like my life is heading in the right direction. I've enrolled to study medicine, just as I've always dreamed of, I'm getting a partial state scholarship, and I still have my amazing group of friends which now includes you, Azula. I'd say that I'm very fortunate to have all of that."
"You would say that, wouldn't you," Azula sighed. She managed a small smile. "Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I just hate the thought of relying on my uncle's charity. If I am to live under his roof, I will want to support myself as soon as possible, or else I think I might find my situation unbearable."
"I can sympathize with that," Katara nodded. "I want to stand up on my own two feet as soon as I can manage it as well. So, we can help each other with that. How does that sound?"
Azula glanced at her with a light smirk that eventually blossomed into a smile. "It sounds like something I can get behind, Katara."
Next chapter: Iroh and Katara travel to Agna Qel'a to pick up Azula and take her with them to Ba Sing Se.