Chapter 42
It was around the middle of September when Dr. Yagoda finally declared the by now eighteen year old Azula to have recovered sufficiently to leave the Crystal Castles Sanatorium. Her uncle had immediately booked flights for himself and Katara, and they had arrived in Agna Qel'a on an early Saturday afternoon to pick Azula up from the asylum. Little over an hour later, Azula found herself sitting in the back seat of the car Iroh had rented at the airport, waiting for Katara to finish her final therapy session with Yagoda and then they would depart, hopefully to never return to this particular asylum, even if Azula had to admit that her stay there hadn't been as horrible as she had initially feared.
The reunion with Iroh had been about as awkward as she had expected. Azula appreciated that her uncle at least wasn't trying to be too affectionate. She would have resented him for trying something like that. Hesitant small talk was all that she felt capable of at the time. Something deep inside of her kept insistently whispering that she owed her uncle a great debt of gratitude for offering her a way out from her unenviable situation, but Azula hated feeling this way, like she was being shown pity. It had made it so hard to accept the offer. She probably wouldn't have accepted it if Katara hadn't persuaded her. And in the end, Katara also moving to Ba Sing Se was the biggest selling point.
Still, Azula was terrified and completely in the dark about what her life in Ba Sing Se would be like. Then again, her life as she had known it for more than seventeen years had ended on that evening when her father had tried to sexually assault her. Ever since that fateful evening, Azula had felt as if she had been living someone else's life. She felt like a rudderless ship at sea, swept along by a powerful current with no control over anything that was happening to her. It had been a disconcerting feeling, to have all certainty removed from her life. Nothing illustrated this more than Azula feeling like she had to pack for the journey to Ba Sing Se and only then realizing that she actually had no personal belongings to pack. She had little else beyond a single layer of clothes and a toothbrush to her name. There could be no clearer reminder that she was now relying on others for simple survival.
At least Iroh seemed to understand that she was dealing with massive internal conflict and so he wasn't pressing her with countless questions. Even now, sitting in the car and waiting for Katara, Iroh spent most of his time fiddling with the knob of the car's radio, although he did shoot the occasional glance back at her, as if to check if she was holding herself together. Azula was just about holding on.
Iroh finally seemed to have found a radio station to his liking as a currently popular song came on the car's speakers.
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is gray
I've been for a walk
On a winter's day
If I didn't tell her
I could leave today
Azula reluctantly found herself humming along to the song. She wasn't really one who went wild about pop music, she considered it a little beneath her, but she did like this particular song. The melody of the 'Fire Nation Dreaming' was appropriately sad and bittersweet, tailoring her mood. The heart of winter was three months away, but the September weather in Agna Qel'a had already reached the levels of a Fire Nation winter. She briefly wondered what the weather in Ba Sing Se would be like. It was probably somewhere in between Agna Qel'a and Caldera City.
"It's a good song, isn't it?" Iroh asked suddenly, probably having noticed that she had been humming along.
Azula shrugged. "I guess," she replied, refusing to show more emotion.
"A little too downcast for my teahouses, though," Iroh continued. "It would probably make some of the patrons cry into their tea, and we can't have that," he added with a chuckle. Azula grimaced slightly, not finding it very funny. Azula just couldn't figure out how to talk to Iroh. She was afraid that if she were to tell him how she really felt about the entire plan, her uncle would become angry and just ditch her at the airport. Azula was aware that she couldn't let any of her old biases show because she regrettably needed Iroh and his charity, and that in turn was making her resentful towards her uncle when he hadn't really done anything to deserve it, quite the contrary. She wished that Katara would finally finish up her session with Yagoda. At least in her presence things didn't feel so awkward with Iroh.
"So, have you been keeping your Pai Sho skills sharp while here?" Iroh asked then.
Azula breathed an inward sigh of relief, silently thanking her uncle for picking a safe topic. She was always happy to discuss Pai Sho. "Yes," she nodded quickly. "One of the nurses kept slipping me the latest copies of The Harmony Ring, and I've been spending my time analyzing all the recent games." Azula was referring to the games from the final qualifying tournament for the world championship finals among professionals. The title of the world champion was currently held by her father, but he would be unable to defend it because of the injuries she had inflicted upon him. In a couple of months, a new world champion would be proclaimed. "Also, Katara and I have been playing a lot of games when she was able to stay for a sleepover," she added.
"That's good to hear. Katara is a very good friend, isn't she?" Iroh smiled. Azula was about to wholeheartedly agree when Iroh suddenly looked towards the asylum. "And speaking of Katara, there she comes. That means we can finally be on our way."
Katara had indeed left the asylum through the front gate, quickly walking up to the car. It looked like she was about to open the passenger side doors to sit next to Iroh, but then she reconsidered and got into the backseat, much to Azula's quiet delight. "Everything okay?" she asked as soon as she got in, almost as if having expected Iroh and Azula to have gotten into a fight.
"Of course," Azula nodded curtly. "You?" she asked.
"I'm good. Yagoda was very pleased with my progress," Katara smiled, looking relieved. "And that is just as well, because I really can't afford any more therapy." Azula winced at that. She was definitely not done with her therapy. And of course, Iroh would be covering those costs. Yet another thing she would owe her uncle for. Agni, she hated the feeling of owing someone, especially someone she had despised until quite recently.
"Perhaps we can talk about that later, Katara," Iroh spoke up. "You've done so much to help us. If you need further therapy sessions, I would be happy to aid you in return by covering the costs." Azula smiled at that, nodding in agreement. She wondered if Iroh had realized that the key to earning her sympathies was by being nice to Katara.
"Thank you so much, Uncle Iroh, but Yagoda thinks I'm good now, and I agree with her. I promise to let you know if anything changes, though," Katara said. "Anyway, I think we can go."
"Are we going straight to the hotel?" Azula asked. She had questioned Iroh about the return flight to Ba Sing Se, only to find out that it was scheduled for early Sunday. They would be spending the night at the airport hotel, a lower class establishment that Azula would normally never consider, but things had certainly changed quickly and dramatically.
"Not quite," Iroh shook his head. Before starting the engine, he reached into the pocket of his coat and retrieved a wad of cash, passing it over to Azula. She hesitated to accept it at first. "Take it, niece. We are taking you shopping."
"Oh," Azula spoke quietly, reaching out and taking the banknotes. It was not a paltry sum, two and a half thousand yuan. She was aware that Iroh's chain of teahouses had really taken off over the past few years, so his net worth was probably exceeding a million by now. She supposed that he could afford to support her, but it wasn't really about whether Iroh could or couldn't afford it. It was more about Azula's pride and what she could accept.
"We're going to get you some nice clothes and everything else you might need to get you started in Ba Sing Se, such as all the, you know, girl stuff," Katara spoke, looking excited.
"Right, the girl stuff," Azula nodded. Clothes were of the primary importance to her, of course. Her sole layer of clothing consisted of a tight red turtleneck sweater, a pair of ripped jeans and a pair of red sneakers. Combined with the messy ponytail and very little makeup, Azula was aware that she looked decidedly and embarrassingly lower class. She very much doubted that anyone who knew her from before would be able to recognize her now. Then again, she had been too subdued to really care about her appearance, at least until very recently. And even now she didn't feel as scandalized about it as she would have felt before the assault.
Azula didn't expect much from the most prestigious shopping mall of Agna Qel'a, and indeed, it was a pale shadow of its Caldera City counterpart. They had left Iroh sitting in the ground floor café, her uncle settling in comfortably for a lengthy read of the Saturday newspaper as the two girls proceed onwards with their shopping mission. Having decided to start with shopping for clothes, it still took Azula considerable time and a great deal of frowning before she found a boutique that she deemed appropriate for someone of her refined tastes.
Inside the boutique, Azula simply did what she had always done, taking a casual stroll down the aisle and selecting everything that caught her eye, while using Katara as her mule. Once all of her purchases had been tallied up, Azula was left standing red-faced at the cash register, having realized that she didn't have the four thousand yuan to pay for everything she had chosen. Azula had felt utterly embarrassed and she could only stand there like petrified while Katara apologized to the shop assistant and returned all the items. The two of them then quickly fled the boutique, blushing from the way the shop assistant had sighed and rolled her eyes at them.
"I'm sorry, Azula, but I'm afraid you'll have to learn what it means to shop on a budget," Katara spoke softly, leading her towards a different clothing store, one frequented by shabby looking ordinary working class people and sadly lacking in designer brand clothing that she was used to wearing. The thought that she had to subject herself to something like this made Azula feel absolutely humiliated. Much to her horror, she began to tear up from the injustice of it all. Still, she reminded herself that this was the day-to-day reality for most people. If they could endure it, surely so could she, as much as Azula loathed becoming just another face in this shapeless crowd of people.
The store was predictably horrible, and so were the customers and the sales staff. If not for Katara steering her through this humiliating experience, Azula would have given up and fled the store before any shopping got done. Azula had to admit that Katara clearly had experience shopping at stores such as this one. This was Katara's reality too, and that served as a reminder for Azula not to make any disparaging comments about how horrible the experience was. After all, this was now her reality as well, so she'd just have to tough it out and get used to it.
Eventually, Azula was forced to admit that Katara actually had a very keen eye when it came to spotting some hidden gems, even if calling them gems was a bit of a stretch. But still, Katara managed to find quite a few articles of clothing that Azula deemed close to acceptable. They looked remarkably similar to some of the designer stuff she had owned, with the exception of costing at least ten times less. In a couple of hours, they had managed to put together a reasonable new wardrobe for Azula, together with the essentials like underwear and stockings, the total coming in just under eight hundred yuan.
"I feel like we could have spent a little bit more," Azula remarked once they were out of the horrible store, carrying three heavy bags stuffed to the brim with them.
"Oh, I don't think so," Katara shook her head. "We still need to buy a lot of other things for you. That wad of cash is going to take a serious hit after a visit to the cosmetics store."
Azula tried to think back on how much she had been spending on her collection of cosmetics back in Caldera City, but she could only draw blanks. Never before in her life had she found any reason to check the cost of anything. She supposed that cosmetics, especially the top brands she was used to, were probably quite expensive, but she also had no idea what sort of price range was considered to be expensive. She really hoped that Katara wouldn't make her buy some inferior beauty products. Azula was deeply concerned about what those cheap substitutes would do to her skin. But then again, Katara probably didn't use top of the line stuff, and her skin was so beautiful, possessing a soft and warm glow that just made you want to reach in and touch it. Uh, where did that come from? Azula quickly snapped out of her thoughts about Katara's skin.
"I was thinking that we should probably take these bags back to the car before we continue with any more shopping," Katara suggested. Azula nodded, and they turned towards the nearest elevator, Katara then freezing upon seeing someone walking towards them. Azula looked up and immediately understood Katara's reaction, seeing Yue Taqqiq walking down the hallway. Yue was dressed as impeccably as ever, making Azula experience a rare surge of inferiority. However, the expression on her face was not a happy one. She was staring at her feet with a downcast look as she walked, oblivious to their presence. Still, Katara wasn't going to let their friend stroll by them. "Yue!" Katara called out her name, startling the other girl.
Yue stopped in her tracks at the sound of Katara's voice. She looked up at Katara with a pained expression in her eyes, but once she cast her gaze upon Azula, the pain in her eyes was immediately replaced by shock. It was clear that she hadn't recognized Azula at first, not that Azula could blame her. After a moment of brief hesitation, Yue walked up to the pair, but this time she chose not to embrace either of them. "You're really unrecognizable, Azula, and I am not saying that to be rude," Yue gave her a look that seemed to be full of sympathy. At least Azula hoped that it wasn't pity. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this, I can't even fathom-"
Azula didn't know how to respond to that. She could tell that Yue meant well with her words, and she genuinely liked the other Water Tribe girl. But she also didn't want to stand in the middle of a busy shopping mall hallway and have a discussion about all the horrible things that had happened to her. She wanted to shut down the conversation without appearing dismissive. "I'm dealing with it," she said simply. "It'll be fine." That sounded so stupid that it made her visibly cringe. 'Being fine' seemed so far from where she was that it felt almost unattainable.
"I'm glad you think so," Yue said, clearly not believing a single word Azula had said. "I just wish I had done-" she paused, looking wracked with shame and guilt. "You needed help and I didn't-"
"It's really okay, Yue, don't worry about me," Azula spoke hastily. She didn't want Yue to feel guilty on her behalf. Yue wouldn't have been able to help her the way Katara had, because Azula wouldn't have been able to open up to Yue in the same way she had exposed herself to Katara. And she wanted to make sure that Yue knew this, however, it just felt too awkward to have such a heavy conversation in a busy shopping mall.
Katara must have sensed Azula's discomfort in discussing this, because she quickly jumped into the conversation. "I've missed our phone conversations, Yue," she said softly. "How are you? Where did you enroll?"
Azula was sure that she saw Yue wincing at Katara's question, despite how brief the reaction had been. "I haven't enrolled anywhere," she replied, failing to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "Apparently, I'm not going to need higher education in the life that's laid out for me. I am very glad that you made it into the BSSU as you hoped, though."
"Thanks," Katara smiled, but she did so with no obvious joy, clearly saddened by Yue's words. "The courses at the BSSU are tough, but engaging, so I'm being kept very busy. Uncle Iroh and I are now taking Azula to Ba Sing Se as well, so we'll be neighbors."
"I'm genuinely happy for you two," Yue managed, swallowing thickly. She seemed to be barely holding herself together, which felt almost comical to Azula, because she was the one who was supposed to be a complete and utter mess.
"Thanks, Yue. This was the best solution for Azula under the circumstances," Katara replied. "But I don't want to lose touch with you, Yue. Are you going to at least continue playing Pai Sho? Would it be alright for me to call you at some point? Or we could exchange letters if that's more convenient for you."
Yue looked deeply upset, sadness in her bright blue eyes. "My life is going to change completely within a week or so, Katara," she replied. Even with her limited capacity for empathy, Azula could see that Yue was close to tearing up. "I'm afraid that there simply won't be room in my life for a lot of the things that were once dear to me."
"Including our friendship?" Katara asked. She sounded distraught.
"This is not what I wanted, Kat. I'm trying to-" Yue sobbed as the tears started to come. "I thought that maybe if I cut you off, it would hurt less-" Yue ground out, managing to stop more tears from escaping, frantically wiping her cheeks with the back of her palm. "I'm sorry for making such a mess of it all, but I'm trying to own up to my mistakes. But now I need to go and meet my future mother in law," she finished, unable to meet Katara's eyes as she spoke. Then she turned around and all but ran away, leaving Katara and Azula standing in the middle of the shopping mall hallway.
Katara watched Yue walking away with such a devastated look on her face that Azula feared that she would break down in a flood of tears. Somehow, though, Katara managed to keep it together and ended up shooting a brave smile at Azula. "Well, at least we managed to get you out," she sighed softly.
Azula's first reaction was to scowl at Katara's words. Instinctively, she felt like she would trade places with Yue without much thought. She'd be wealthy again, and she'd have a father who didn't beat her, or tried to do even more abominable things to her. But then Azula remembered that she would still be stuck with a husband she would most likely loathe and resent, without any way to escape his unwelcomed attentions. That thought made her visibly shudder. Suddenly, she was no longer so keen on trading places with Yue.
"Anyway," Katara spoke up, trying to sound cheerful despite obviously feeling rather downcast. "As I was saying, let's bring these purchases to the car before we tackle the next round of shopping, shall we?" Azula nodded mutely. Right now, she really didn't want to be in a crowded shopping mall, surrounded by people. But there was no way around this necessary evil and she simply needed to endure it. Grow a pair and tough it out, Azula. Somehow, she felt like she would be telling herself that a lot in the weeks to come.
It was already late when they arrived at the airport hotel, almost close to ten in the evening. The entire torturous shopping experience had lasted for more than five hours, but at least Azula now had the bare minimum of belongings necessary for survival. Once they were back in the car, driving to the hotel, Katara had thanked her uncle for spending so much time patiently waiting for them to be done. Azula supposed that it couldn't have been all that pleasant or exciting for Iroh, so she did feel appreciative. She couldn't bring herself to say it, though.
Iroh had rented them each a room of their own at the airport hotel, but as soon as they had settled in, Katara came right over to hang out with her. Azula truly appreciated that, especially since she could see that Katara wasn't doing so great herself, most likely because of that run in with Yue earlier in the day. As for Azula, she had spent the whole day struggling to keep it together in front of Iroh and then in front of the crowds at the shopping mall. What she really wanted was to step into a hot shower and have a bit of a cry, but having Katara over was far more preferable.
Now, Azula found herself lying with her back on the bed, with Katara sitting cross-legged next to her and looking down at Azula. Azula was still wearing the same clothes given to her at the asylum. She couldn't wait to be rid of them for good, once she had taken a shower and slipped into her brand new red pajamas. She might have been able to secure most of the bare essentials at the mall, but there had still been things Azula hadn't been able to afford, and she was a little upset about that. It didn't seem fair because she ended up with a little over two hundred yuan left, but Katara had advised her to always leave a sizable amount of money aside for emergencies. Azula did not understand what any of that meant, but she supposed that Katara would probably know better, considering her family's struggles with poverty.
"I'm really proud about the way you've been holding it together," Katara spoke softly, looking down at her. "But I hope you know that you can let down the guard when it's just the two of us together."
"I know," Azula said. She truly did know that. But it didn't mean that she liked to let down her guard, even with Katara. "The truth is that I don't even know how I'm feeling right now, Katara. Yagoda said that it will take me time to process these new circumstances and come to terms with them. Well, I feel like I'm stuck processing. It's… annoying and disconcerting."
"Yeah, I felt like my life was completely turned around when I moved to Ba Sing Se, and I'm still processing that," Katara nodded. "Living on my own at the dorms in a strange new city away from my family, actually having a little bit of income from the education board scholarship and the BSSU stipend… it's been hard to adjust. And I know that it's even harder for you. But I hope that having a friend close by will help."
"It will," Azula smiled at her. It really did help to know that Katara was going to be there for her. A part of Azula wanted to tell Katara exactly how much it meant, but the other part of her protested at that. Azula decided not to say anything for now, fearing that she would fail to adequately express herself and would end up only making things awkward between them. Azula decided to instead try and show Katara that she was willing to be there for her as well, even if she probably wasn't any good at being supportive. Still, it was clear even to her that Katara was upset about how things stood with Yue. And Azula was curious about that as well, so it made sense to ask. "Do you want to tell me about what's going on with Yue?" she dared to ask.
"Well, you heard everything yourself," Katara sighed. "There will be no room for me in her new life. I tried my best to talk her out of pursuing this path and she had plenty of time to ponder her decision. I shouldn't feel bad or guilty just because she looked so miserable as a result of the choices she's made for herself, right?"
Azula tried to process what Katara was saying. Not feeling bad about Yue's poor choices seemed logical, but Katara clearly still felt responsible. Azula had noticed how important it was for Katara to be able to help others. Katara hadn't been able to persuade Yue to make what she saw as the right decision, and she probably saw it as her failure, despite it being quite illogical. And Katara liked Yue romantically. Agni, they had even gone as far as spending a night together back this spring. It was no wonder that Katara was such a hot mess because of what was happening. "Are you going to be alright, Katara?" Azula asked quietly. "I know how much you like Yue. This can't be easy."
Katara blushed lightly as she looked down at Azula. "I have to be alright," she said. "But it's not going to be easy forgetting her. I mean, Yue was my first serious love, you know?"
Azula nodded at her, even if she wasn't sure if she really knew. She'd had flings. She'd had sex with Zirin. But she hadn't been in love the way Katara was in love with Yue. She was falling in love now, though. And despite the issues they both were dealing with, Azula couldn't stop herself taking heart from the way Katara had used the past tense when speaking of her love for Yue.
"But if I'm being perfectly honest?" Katara said a moment later. "Yue and I fell out sometime at the end of June, so it's been almost three months of us barely speaking with each other. I feel like I've been slowly getting over her." She plopped down with her back on the bed, letting out a laugh that sounded almost a little hysterical. "But I'll probably always love her, at least a little bit. As long as it stops hurting less and less, I think I can deal with it."
Azula was left thinking how she felt about the idea that Katara would always love Yue on some level. Was that something she could deal with? And why was she even contemplating such a question as if she and Katara were destined to get together, when it was clearly all just a hypothetical. She looked over at Katara, suddenly realizing that her friend was in tears. The sight of Katara crying triggered something within Azula and made the overflowing dam she had been holding back since the very morning finally burst. She began to cry as well, unable to stop herself. As soon as Katara became aware that Azula was crying, she pulled her into an embrace, and so they remained lying on the bed, bawling into each other's shoulder until the tears finally ran out.
"Can we do a sleepover, please?" Azula asked quietly. "I don't want to be alone tonight," she confessed, done caring whether it made her appear weak or not.
"I was going to suggest the same, Azula," Katara sounded relieved. "But I need a shower first, even more so now than before."
"I'm desperate for a shower myself," Azula replied. "But don't take too long, alright?" she added. Agni, am I sounding too clingy now? Get a grip, Azula. Fortunately, Katara didn't seem to mind. She was eyeing her with one of those impossibly soft smiles on her lips.
"Don't worry, Azula. I'll be right back," Katara said as they finally disentangled on the bed. Katara headed for the door to return less than half an hour later, her hair shiny and a little damp. She was wearing her cute blue and white Water Tribe pajamas. With the receptionist having been instructed to call and wake them at seven in the morning to catch the early plane back to Ba Sing Se, the two girls wasted no time settling in comfortably for the night.
As they lay there, side by side in Azula's bed, the Fire Nation girl couldn't stop feeling that maybe, just maybe, her life in Ba Sing Se might not be so horrible if only Katara continued to be there for her in this way.
Next chapter: Azula tries to settle into her new life in Ba Sing Se.