Chapter 52
Azula continued to spend her time in the press box during the next rounds of the tournament. Her presence was greatly appreciated by all the reporters, eager to hear her expert opinion about the developments on the Pai Sho boards. It all put Azula at the center of attention, which was something she reveled in. On top of writing for The Harmony Ring, Suki was also doing a short radio broadcast for one of the stations back in Ba Sing Se, a five minute digest of every round. She had asked Azula to join her in the broadcasting booth, and Azula had felt immensely flattered to take part. Azula's ego had swollen to unprecedent levels when Suki had later told her that the listeners had received Azula's participation very well.
When it came to Katara's play as of late, Azula felt a little concerned. She hadn't liked how that off day with Sokka had unfolded. Azula had thought that it would be a relaxing day of unwinding, something that would help Katara refocus, but then they had spent a lot of time talking about all sorts of serious stuff and that seemed to have made Katara very tense and stressed. Azula had been really concerned ahead of Katara's game with Kori Morishita, because she had felt that Katara was not in the right frame of mind. However, much to Azula's relief, Katara had actually played very well. Unfortunately, Kori had brought her A-game to the Pai Sho board on that particular day, and so they had ended up playing out a very tense draw. Afterwards, Azula had given Katara a bit of chewing out, reasoning that some tough love was required. She had been proven right. Katara had massacred Chan in the fifth round.
After five rounds of play, Zuko and Haru still hadn't lost any points, which was a little concerning. Still, Azula was certain that she could identify plenty of weak points in Haru's play. Zuko's performance, however, was on an upward trajectory, which definitely annoyed her. As far as the other contenders were concerned, they were all falling by the wayside one after another, with the exception of Teo Guyuk, the Earth Nation boy snapping at Katara's heels. Azula was delighted by the poor play of Chan and Ruon-Jian in the tournament so far. It was plain for Azula to see that those two hadn't made any progress in their play since she had last faced them in Ba Sing Se, and with the younger, more talented kids overtaking them, Chan and Ruon were now destined to join the crowds of perennial back-markers. There had also been a positive development that had boosted Katara's spirits a great deal when her protégé, the fellow Water Tribe girl Siku, had scored her first win at this level by defeating Joo Dee in the fifth round. Katara had been over the moon, appearing even more delighted than Siku herself.
As Azula sat in the press box next to Suki, observing the matches of Round 6, she still couldn't stop thinking how weird the situation was with her sitting up here instead of being down in the hall, decimating some hapless opponent at the Pai Sho board. She missed competitive play so much that it was driving her up the wall. Still, Azula had accompanied Katara with one goal in her mind and that was to make sure that her friend won this tournament, and she intended to do everything within her power to give Katara the best possible chance to do so.
Azula was not in the best frame of mind herself after that tournament off day, though she tried her best to appear focused and determined for Katara's sake. Deep down, however, she felt upset and accosted by all sorts of negative emotions that not even the pills she took every morning could chase away. It had all begun with the mention of Yue. In truth, Azula earnestly liked Yue a great deal, and on a purely intellectual level she realized that what Yue was dealing with right now was simply awful. It was like a painful reminder of the potential fate that she herself had avoided. And yet when Azula thought about the compassion and empathy dripping from Katara's voice when she spoke about wanting to help Yue, Azula could feel nothing else but raging jealousy towards Yue.
She was angry at herself, feeling like a fool for thinking that Katara was over Yue, and that maybe, just maybe, Katara was into her. But no, even though Katara hadn't seen Yue for half a year, and Yue was now an unhappily married woman, it seemed that Katara still harbored feelings for her old flame. Azula could only hope that they wouldn't come across Yue, and that after returning to Ba Sing Se, Katara would eventually get over her crush, and maybe by the time Azula had dealt with the threat posed by her father they could possibly consider becoming more than friends. It really was a stupid pipe dream, Azula knew that, but it was all she had that was worth hoping for. And when it came to Yue, Azula desperately hoped that the poor girl would find a way to escape her abusive relationship, but she also hoped that Sokka would be able to help with that without having to involve Katara.
"Are there any new developments?" Suki asked as they continued to observe the ongoing round of matches together. It was still too early in any of the games to make decisive calls, however. "Is it just me, or is Katara struggling against Teo?"
"No, she's playing well enough," Azula replied. "I've been trying to tell all of you that Teo is seriously good, but apparently my words keep falling on deaf ears."
"You're right," Suki admitted. "Katara doesn't have the best record against him lately. That's a good indication of Teo's level of play."
"Exactly," Azula nodded. "Also, sometimes you just have an opponent whose style of play simply frustrates you. Teo has been a menace to Katara for a while now, ever since she lost to him in the final round in Ba Sing Se and failed to clinch the title."
"So, who do you consider your nemesis at the Pai Sho board, Azula?" the slightly annoying Fire Nation reporter asked her from the back of the press box.
"I don't have one," Azula replied confidently. She had no intention of answering this question truthfully. Azula didn't want her answer printed in all the Pai Sho magazines, suggesting that she had some kind of a weakness. If she was perfectly honest with herself, Azula probably hated playing Toph the most, even if she had a good record against the Earth Kingdom girl. Toph had that annoying, dogged determination, and games with her were usually brutal and tough slogs that left Azula totally exhausted. On the other hand, Azula had worse record against Katara, but there was nothing she enjoyed more than facing her friend in a competitive game. There was something so thrilling about trying to best Katara, simply because Azula considered Katara her one true equal and the only one deserving of her complete and utter respect. Besides, they were truly at their best when they competed against each other, always pushing one another to even greater heights. Competing with Katara was probably what Azula missed the most about not being able to play this year.
As the games of Round 6 progressed, eventually some of the favorites began to press their advantage home. Zuko was starting to gain decisive advantage over Kori, while Haru was stumbling against Chan, although he still maintained a winning position. Hahn was beating Ruon-Jian, which was something Azula knew would annoy Katara. Still, Siku Ikuma was getting the better of Hing Ishikawa, which was going to make Katara feel very happy. Meanwhile, Katara was encountering some major issues dispatching Teo. She had gained slight advantage in the middle game, but it wasn't decisive, and Teo was defending well. All the signs were starting to point towards a draw, which was definitely not an ideal outcome. Katara was dropping too many points for Azula's liking.
It took another half an hour for all the games to come to an end. Zuko, Haru and Hahn all won their games, while Katara was forced to settle for a draw with Teo. Azula had to remind herself that this was far from a disaster and Katara hadn't fallen too far behind just yet, but she definitely couldn't afford any more slipups, and her direct games with Haru and Zuko now became even more important than before. Still, Azula refused to abandon her unshakable belief that Katara could do it. Azula knew that Katara definitely had what it took to beat Haru, and perhaps even Zuko, if all the stars aligned perfectly.
"I'm going to set everything up in the broadcasting booth," Suki told her as she rose from her seat. "Join me whenever you're ready, alright?"
"Of course," Azula said without thinking as she was busy watching Katara down in the hall, all smiles as she conversed with the other contestants, discussing things with Teo and Haru, then turning to embrace Siku after having learned of her second victory. Azula couldn't stop thinking about how radiant and perfect Katara was, like a shining beacon that lit up everything and everyone around her. At that moment, it struck Azula how unworthy of Katara's love and affection she truly was. All she had was this dark, foul miasma of jealousy making her chest constrict, while Katara was spreading joy and laughter in every direction she looked.
Azula knew that she would have been happy to spend a lifetime just watching Katara smiling and chatting with the others while casually adjusting her hair loops, even if thinking about how perfect Katara was could feel so bitterly painful. But then, Katara cast her glance upwards at the press box, her smile brightening as she raised her hand to wave at Azula. The dark and suffocating jealousy smothering Azula dissipated instantly, and she raised her hand to wave back, smiling. This was yet another reminder of why she needed Katara in her life. Nobody else could ever make her feel this way, she was completely certain of it.
With Katara becoming engrossed in her chat with Kori, Azula eventually rose with the intent to join Suki in the broadcasting booth. On her way there, she passed by another booth, a gap left open in its doors. Normally, Azula would not have paid it any heed, but as she passed the booth, she could have sworn of having heard her name being spoken by someone. Azula stopped and walked up to the booth, trying to listen in while at the same time attempting to appear casual. It didn't take Azula long to identify those talking. It was that slightly annoying Fire Nation reporter, and he was busy interviewing her brother. But what business did they have discussing her? Azula decided that she had the right to find out.
"Next year you will no longer be eligible to play among the U21's," the reporter spoke. "This was the only chance for you to play your sister at this level. Do you regret missing the opportunity to face her at the Pai Sho board?"
"Not really," Zuko said. Azula could just imagine that annoying little scowl on his lips. "I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to destroy her once we both turn pro. If she even dares to join the professional tour," he added dismissively, making Azula seethe as she listened on other side of the doors.
"We've all been very curious about Azula's decision not to take part in the Fire Nation qualifiers for the U21 finals," the reporter continued. "Unfortunately, Azula herself has refused to offer any comments on this matter. As her brother, you probably have an insight regarding her decision. Perhaps you could share what you know with our readers and listeners?"
"I've no idea why Azula does the things she does," Zuko said. "I think she probably knew that she stood no chance at this level and didn't want to embarrass herself." Azula had to really fight herself from storming into the booth and shouting some choice obscenities at Zuko, or maybe even try to claw out his remaining good eye, she was so livid with his words. Once she had gotten over her immediate outrage, however, Azula was relieved that Zuko at least hadn't disclosed the real reason for her absence. She was certain that Zuko knew about what had happened to her, Iroh and Ursa would have surely told him all about Ozai's attempt of sexual assault and her stay at the mental asylum.
"Can you at least tell us about your sister's move to Ba Sing Se?" the reporter asked. "It seems like something unplanned, but neither she nor your father would offer any comment on it. Is she in a self-imposed exile, similar to you? Do you know if she intends to continue officially representing the Fire Nation?"
"I don't know anything about that," Zuko replied. He was starting to sound annoyed. "Her showing up in Ba Sing Se certainly was a surprise to me, and not a happy one."
"Yes, it seems that there is some bitter acrimony between you two," the Fire Nation reporter said. "One more question regarding your sister if you don't mind." Zuko made a disgusted noise suggesting that he did mind, but the reporter ignored him. "There's a dark rumor making the rounds about your sister suffering from some mental health issues and having spent several months locked up in a certain type of institution. Is there any truth to this, Zuko?"
Azula began to shake like a leaf on the other side of the doors. She didn't know how she would live down the whole world knowing what she had gone through. If Zuko was to tattle on her right now, Azula was sure that she was going to kill her brother before possibly killing herself. "Shouldn't you be asking Azula about this? All I'm going to say is that living with my father would probably drive even the most sane person a little crazy. But you're not going to write anything that throws shade on the great Ozai Nakamura, are you?" Zuko spoke angrily. "Now, I'm not going to take any more questions about Azula, alright? Either you ask me about my play at the tournament, or I'm out of here, got it?"
"Of course," the reporter agreed amiably as Azula stepped away from the doors, her legs shaking. She felt like she was about to throw up from the sudden anxiety attack. Zuko had as good as outed her as a crazy person, and that asshole reporter probably wouldn't hesitate to post about it in whatever Caldera rag he was working for. Then again, her reputation in the Fire Nation was probably already ruined, Ozai would have made sure of it, just as he had done with Ursa, Zuko and Iroh.
"Hey, Azula?" she was suddenly startled by Suki's voice, the Kyoshi Island girl leaving the booth to search for her. "Are you coming? I've set everything up for us to begin." Suki then stopped in her tracks, giving Azula a concerned stare. "Is everything alright?" she asked.
"Yes… well, not really," Azula muttered. She was still shaking deep inside, upset and angry about what she had heard Zuko saying about her. Of course, Azula herself probably wouldn't have passed up on an opportunity to badmouth her brother a little, she wasn't as hypocritical as to deny that, but it had still stung, especially the moment when Zuko had as good as implied that she was crazy. With this anxiety attack, Azula didn't see how she could be of any use to Suki in the broadcasting booth right now. "Sorry, I'm feeling a little under the weather. It must be something I ate. I'll take a rain check on this round, but I'll be back for the next if you'll still want me there," she told Suki in a shaky voice.
"Of course, come and join me whenever you can, Azula. The listeners love you, so you'll always be welcome back," Suki smiled at her. "You sure you don't need any help?"
"I'll be alright," Azula said, managing to straighten herself and summon a fake smile. "Thank you, Suki, but there's no need to worry. I'm sorry for dropping out like this," Azula said as she turned around to leave. Suki accompanied her departure with a concerned stare, but Azula was already focused on getting back into shape by the time she reunited with Katara. She was here to help her best friend win this title, and damned if she was going to let her own mental frailties get in the way of helping Katara.
Despite the results not always having gone her way in the past few rounds, Katara still felt fairly positive about her level of play. Her game with Teo had been one of those epic struggles that could have gone her way with a little bit of luck, but in the end, she had almost run out of the allotted time and had been happy to settle for a draw. It was reassuring that even Azula struggled to find much to criticize about her performance when they went through the game analysis at the end of the sixth match day.
That said, Katara couldn't help but notice that Azula was struggling to maintain her focus on the game. She had been a little distant ever since that first tournament off day, when Sokka had suggested that Azula had become jealous from their little chat about Yue. Katara still wasn't sure if she believed Sokka's insinuations, but she supposed that her brother might be onto something. And even though Katara wanted to reassure Azula that she didn't have any reasons to feel jealous, Katara was wary of merely bringing up Yue once again. Instead, Katara resorted to waiting and hoping that Azula's mood would improve with time. However, on the evening prior to the second off day which they had decided to spend by attending a theatre play, Azula for some reason seemed particularly out of sorts. Katara began to feel that there was more at work here than this Yue issue that Sokka kept hinting at.
Katara began to grow seriously worried when during their match analysis she deliberately suggested a poor move, and yet Azula completely ignored it, which was extremely uncharacteristic of her. Under normal circumstances, Azula would have noticed it right away and she would have barked at Katara for playing such a weak move, but now she remained silent and allowed Katara to get away with it. Katara felt that this was becoming too serious and she now felt forced to get to the heart of the matter.
"You know, we don't have to go to that play tomorrow if you don't want to," Katara spoke up casually. "We could do something else instead, something that would cheer you up."
"What?" Azula looked up at her, confused. "No, I love theatre. I was looking forward to the play, honest."
"Okay, I'm glad to hear it," Katara smiled. She noticed that Azula hadn't denied needing to be cheered up, though. "But you're not going to tell me what's eating at you?"
Azula opened her mouth, most likely to issue a denial that there was anything at all eating away at her. As their eyes met, however, Azula hesitated and then let out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Katara. All of this is my fault," she said, lowering her eyes. "I said I was going to help you win the tournament, but all I'm doing is letting you down by being no help at all."
"What are you talking about? You've been great help so far," Katara blinked, not having expected this response. "Why would you think otherwise?"
"I'm failing to support you like I should, because I keep getting distracted by stupid nonsense that shouldn't matter," Azula sighed. "I'll try to do better, though. A day at the theatre is all I need. I'm sure I'll be in a better frame of mind tomorrow."
"It doesn't sound like it's just some stupid nonsense, Azula," Katara frowned at her friend. "I thought we agreed to be open about these things with each other."
Azula looked very guilty and disappointed with herself. "Ugh, now look at what I've done. If I tell you, it'll distract you even more. But if I don't tell you, you'll keep worrying," she said.
"If you tell me, we can work through it and it will no longer be a distraction," Katara smiled encouragingly.
Azula still looked conflicted, but Katara could see that her resistance was crumbling. "I overheard Zuko giving an interview to this one annoying Fire Nation reporter who kept trying to ask him about me," Azula admitted eventually. "Now that I've thought about it some more, maybe it wasn't as bad as it felt initially. I mean, Zuko could have really tattled on me if he wanted to twist the knife. I will admit, it seemed like he really didn't want to talk about me, but he still said some things that hurt, you know?"
"Like what?" Katara asked. She knew that Zuko was probably just as messed up as Azula, or maybe even more. Having been abused by his father and living with a mother who had accidentally burned one side of his face, Katara had no idea what it would do to a child. But still, whenever she heard about Zuko and Azula arguing, her instincts to protect Azula immediately kicked in and she felt as if she would gladly scratch and claw at Zuko regardless of whether he was in the right.
"He didn't say anything about what had happened to me, and he didn't bring up the asylum," Azula said. "But he did say that I was crazy. It's probably true, but I still don't want the whole world to know. I don't know how to deal with that."
"Okay, first things first, you're not crazy, Azula," Katara sighed, reaching out and taking Azula's hand. "You've been terribly hurt and abused, and you've had an understandably powerful response to that, but it doesn't mean you're crazy. That's just silly talk."
"But I'm not exactly normal, am I?" Azula said, avoiding looking at her. "All those pills I still need to swallow every morning. Normal people don't do that."
"Azula, I'm still taking Tofranil regularly, you know that. On some days, I couldn't function without it. And some days are a struggle even with the meds," Katara said. "That would make me crazy as well. Do you think I'm crazy?"
"No, you're the furthest from crazy that I've ever known," Azula replied earnestly.
"Well, if I'm not crazy, then you're not crazy either," Katara spoke confidently. "Honestly, I wish you would cut yourself a little slack, Azula. You're always heaping such pressure on yourself, and I wish you didn't feel like you had to hold yourself to such high standard all the time. It's okay to have a crappy day when you're not at your best, you know? I've had my share of those, believe me."
"I almost don't want to believe you," Azula said. "You're always holding everything together so well. I mean, I know you have tough days like everyone else, but you always make it look like you're effortlessly on top of things. I'm constantly amazed by how you always manage to be so perfect."
Katara found herself blushing at Azula's frankness. It didn't seem as if Azula was completely aware of how what she said sounded, but to Katara it almost felt like a very intimate confession. She suddenly felt as if she was burning up by the emotions pent up within her. "I assure you, Azula," she said, swallowing heavily. "I am far from perfect."
"I beg to disagree," Azula replied simply as their eyes met. There was something in Azula's eyes that touched the core of Katara's very being. Azula didn't wear her heart on her sleeve the way Katara did, so whenever Katara was exposed to Azula's genuine, raw emotions, they felt so meaningful. It was hard to quantify what exactly she was seeing in Azula's eyes, but it felt almost like blind and intense loyalty and devotion. And it broke something within Katara that had been keeping her own feelings from spilling forth.
She placed her hand on Azula's shoulder and began to lean in, slowly and barely perceptively. At first, Azula didn't react, as if unsure of what was happening, but then her eyes suddenly widened in realization and she made a move to pull away. Katara immediately pulled away herself, feeling like the greatest idiot in the whole wide world. With crushing disappointment and embarrassment tearing at her heart, she quickly turned away so that Azula couldn't see her starting to tear up.
"Sorry," Katara managed in a hoarse voice. She was crying by now. "I don't know what came over me. Just ignore that, I didn't mean anything by it."
"Oh," Azula managed, sounding confused and conflicted. "Katara, please don't cry," she said, speaking with unusual softness that just made Katara cry even harder. "You know I'm not good at this, but… if this was what I think it was then you may have misinterpreted my reaction."
"What… what are you saying?" Katara asked. She still refused to face Azula, but the flow of her tears at least began to slow down.
"I mean…" Azula sounded very hesitant and embarrassed. "There are things that I might want, and then there are things we… I can't allow myself right now. The time is not right. My father… everything is still too much, you know?"
Katara wasn't sure if she understood Azula's words correctly, but it almost sounded as if Azula was saying that she maybe would have been happy allowing Katara to kiss her, but that she just wasn't ready for it to happen? Which was perfectly fair, and in fact, Katara completely agreed with it. Azula was still going through so much, her therapy, her fragile relationship with Ursa, her relationship with Zuko that they hadn't even started to work upon, and the threat still posed by her father. Right now, Azula needed a friend instead of the turmoil of a romantic relationship. Katara was seriously upset at herself for her lack of self-control that had created this situation, but at least now she knew that Azula was… possibly romantically interested in her?
"Oh yes, of course… I completely agree," Katara sighed, feeling relieved. "I mean, you're still going through so much. It was stupid of me to… well, you know. It was totally unplanned. It just happened, and I'm really sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry, okay?" Azula said, reaching out and placing her hand on Katara's shoulder, tugging on it lightly and forcing Katara to turn around and face Azula again. "Katara, I'd normally be happy to just leave it at that, but… I really want you to win the tournament, so there can't be any distractions." She blushed lightly, lowering her eyes. "Let me be honest with you, alright? If not for my father still being a threat to everyone I care about, I… I would have happily let you do… the thing. You know. What you intended to do. Or what I think you intended to do. Ugh, Agni, I'm so terrible at explaining myself, just ignore me," now it was Azula who was about to turn away in embarrassment, but Katara wouldn't let her, reaching out to stop the other girl.
"No, I get it, Azula," she said, a relieved smile returning to her lips. "I think we have created a slightly embarrassing understanding. We're both in agreement that the time isn't right and that we're just not ready yet. Am I reading that right?" she asked.
Azula looked immensely relieved. "Yes, I think you're right, Katara," she nodded. "Ugh, at least one of us has the emotional intelligence to make sense of this mess," she chuckled awkwardly.
"Yeah, I don't think that's me, Azula, I'm pretty much making it up as we go here," Katara grinned. An intense feeling of relief and happiness was slowly starting to spread through her chest. It seemed as if what she had been hoping for was coming true after all. Azula really liked her, and wanted to have something meaningful with her. Katara instantly knew that she was willing to wait for as long as would be necessary until they both were ready to have a relationship.
"Well, you're pretty good at figuring out these things on the fly," Azula smiled. She was also looking much happier, which in turn delighted Katara.
"I just hope I haven't made things uncomfortable," Katara said, still feeling a tinge of uncertainty. "I mean, I would understand if you wouldn't feel like… like sharing a room with me." She had almost said sharing a bed, which was basically what they had been doing so far during Azula's permanent sleepovers, but now the connotation of it all had suddenly acquired a very different meaning.
"I think it's quite the opposite," Azula said. There seemed to be a shine to her amber hued eyes that Katara didn't remember seeing before. It really seemed as if this muddled confession of their feelings had done them both a world of good. "I really don't want to go back to my room," Azula added. "Our sleepovers are way too much fun."
"Definitely agreed on that," Katara grinned. She pointed at the Pai Sho board. "So, now that we've cleared all that up, do you want to get back to it?" she asked.
Azula shook her head. "Not really. How about we resume our practice tomorrow?"
"Fine by me," Katara nodded. "So, what do you suggest we do for the rest of the evening?"
"I was thinking that we should call room service, order ourselves a bottle of wine and some snacks, and then spend the rest of the evening watching some terrible movie on TV while getting tipsy," Azula said with an excited grin on her face. "How does that sound?"
"Azula?" Katara smiled back at her more than just best friend. "I think it sounds absolutely marvelous."
Next chapter: Katara is now in a very positive frame of mind. Her fellow contestants should probably run for the hills. As the tournament enters its final stages, the relationship between Suki and Sokka faces a serious test.