(Author's note. I do not know Jolene's real name. Please do not tell me, I am willing to take any flames regarding her names with the license card.)
Miles Edgeworth waltzed into the Police Department, unsure of whether or not to feel on top of the world or like he wanted to be crushed under the Mariana Trench. He had been able to capture the writer, but he had his hands on the most egocentric person he could think of.
And having been raised by the von Karmas, that's saying a lot. He thought, deciding to wash his hands very, very thoroughly after he was done with this character. The journey to acquire him wasn't very fun either.
After bomb threats and such had been received by email since about 6 years ago, the local offices had to include an office for cybercrime and cyberbullying. It had come in handy incredibly often, especially considering that Edgeworth's connections made tracking down real-life criminals much easier from the PCs. He had asked one of the officers to locate this "Jolene" character and find her by any necessary means. Her homesite's dated nature made it much easier for him, and it was barely a matter of 30 minutes before the cop had obtained results.
"Okay," he started, having handed Edgeworth a piece of paper noting several details about him, "it appears her name is Jolene Phoenix. Heh, imagine that. She lives 30 miles south of here, and there's no way she can deny praise. Or… accept actual criticism, it seems." They both grimaced. Edgeworth knew what it was like to have to live with someone who couldn't stand to watch their record suffer. Nay, TWO people.
Either way, he decided to drive down to the location listed on her profile, which, according to his GPS, was, in fact, a good 27 minutes away. He turned on the radio and prepared himself for whatever kind of person Jolene would be.
"Wait, sir!" Gumshoe hollered from outside the car. "Hope you don't mind if I come with?"
"I don't see why not." Edgeworth smiled, unlocking the passenger side door.
Now, Edgeworth had seen it all. He was almost asphyxiated at age nine, he had nightmares regarding mascots, even to this day, and he had to bear witness to that pathetic excuse for an author's work. Edgeworth was desperately hoping it was some young kid, so that she could have some shred of an excuse.
What he was not expecting was a part of some town so run-down, he could swear that the most profitable places were strip joints, which he attempted to avoid looking at. He drove slowly, looking for the address in question, and eventually encountered some run-down camper van.
"Why are we going to my place, sir?" Gumshoe said, eliciting a bit of a chuckle from Edgeworth, before realizing the implications. Deciding to delay it to a later date, he knocked on the door, afraid it would fall in. It surprisingly kept its hold on the frame, and five seconds later, a woman with a tattered shirt, and a heavy smell of drugs around her opened the door.
"What do you f***ers want!?" She hollered, the noise enough to cause them both to lose their hearing for a moment. Through the ringing, Edgeworth managed to get out, though he wasn't perfectly sure he even said it, "Would you happen to be a," Edgeworth cleared his throat heavily. Very heavily. He kept this up for somewhere around 15 seconds. "Sorry, I can smell the drugs from your house. 'Lady' Jolene Phoenix?"
"Oh, another reader of my fics set to praise me for who I am? Please, come on in." She said, gesturing to the interior, though neither Miles nor Gumshoe had any plans of holding her in any regard. After some time, Phoenix walked back in, a roll of paper that smelled heavily of "kush", as the kids would call it, in her hands. She stared at them, unsure of why they weren't praising her.
"We aren't here to hold you in any regards. We just want to ask you a few questions and then be on our way."
"Well, sure." She said, seemingly too compliant. "Let me just take one last drag…" She slucked on the unlit end of her makeshift cigar before passing out.
"This could make things easier." Edgeworth mused to himself. "Detective, get her legs. I'll grab her by the arms."
"Um, are you okay, sir?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, given what kind of setting she lives in, shouldn't we remove any potential weaponry she has?"
"Good thinking, Detective."
Jolene woke up in a blank gray room, Edgeworth sitting directly across from her. A recording device was right next to the two, and when Jolene came to, the prosecutor pressed the record button.
She could feel that her pockets were empty, lacking the shiv she used to greatly injure her haters, even kill sometimes. But the big one was that she didn't have her marijuana with him. "What have you done with my kush?" She screamed, trying to fidget out of her handcuffs that kept her to the chair bolted to the floor.
Edgeworth serenely pressed the record button, and merely smirked. "I wanted to ask you a few questions, Ms. Phoenix. It would be much easier to get the answers from you when your mind is cleared of nicotine."
"You f***ing hacker when I get out of this mess I'm gonna **** **** ****!" Jolene swore, Edgeworth mentally censoring the swears with mental pictures of the Blue Badger.
"Engaging in heterosexual intercourse is not going to help your matter in the slightest, Ms. Phoenix." Edgeworth casually stated. "Rape threats can be treated as equally as actual rape. We're not in one of your fanfics. But we're getting off track. Now, is it true that you can be found on fanfiction-dot-net as 'ladyjolenephoenix'?"
"At least you have the mental capacity to figure that **** out." Jolene said, refusing to make eye contact with Edgeworth.
"Now, how have you received the aforementioned "kush" you so desperately need?"
"Like hell I'm telling you!"
"I was just testing to see if you thought we were idiotic druggies, like at the end of that one fic." Edgeworth said, paraphrasing the end of the fic Richard read. "We know that there is only one way you can obtain that drug, especially with the given properties. Illegally." He said, setting down a sheet of paper showing that the drug found in Jolene's stash was crystallized pot.
"What does this have to do with anything?"
"Do you write fanfictions whenever you smoke?"
"I write them exclusively when I smoke!" She said, beaming.
Edgeworth nodded, knowing what this would mean for her. "You wouldn't mind testifying in court tomorrow?"
"I would love to! I can't wait for the room to get a little bit of Jolene magic!" She said, a puff of smoke coming from her breath.
"You seem to be sobering up. Let's prepare you for tomorrow."