What You See of Me
AN: I wrote this story for the TodoMomo Holiday Mini-Bang 2022. I was asked to pinch hit for a piece of art that was already drawn, and this is the story that it sparked. Please enjoy!
Chapter 1
"…Crowds are already beginning to gather at Shibuya Crossing for the big show set to ring in the New Year. The City is absolutely abuzz with excitement to learn Antipode will headline the night's special event.
"It's been two years since Antipode last performed in Tokyo. The sensational band fronted by lead singer Shouto Todoroki has just completed an extensive world tour. Returning to Tokyo just in time to celebrate the New Year with their fans…"
Shouto released a frustrated breath, shutting off the news. He didn't even know why he bothered turning it on. 'It's always the same, nothing new…'
Pressing hands to his knees, Shouto forced himself to his feet and began pacing the length of his spacious hotel room. A nervous sort of energy filled him today. Not the usual excitement he'd experienced countless times before a big performance.
Late morning sunlight spilled into the room from large paneled windows. The slowly shifting pools of light served only as a reminder to Shouto of the endless march of time.
'There's still tons of time before I actually need to get ready,' he reminded himself.
His feet halted in his pacing before an elaborate vanity. Shouto glared at the array of products laid out to get him 'ready' to perform. He would never have described himself as high maintenance, but he had an 'image' to maintain.
Shouto met his own eyes in the mirror and huffed out a breath that sent his bangs dancing across his eyes. Watching his reflection in the mirror, Shouto's left hand lifted from his side to trail fingertips across the scar that surrounded his left turquoise coloured eye.
He stared at it with fascination, leaning towards the mirror. Shouto's right hand stirred to lift his two toned bangs from off his forehead to see the entire scar.
It was a part of him.
A part of who he was, and yet most people didn't even know of its existence. None of his fans knew the meaning behind the song, which had made him famous. Not a single person knew 'What You See of Me' was supposed to be titled Scars.
'I never planned to hide myself,' he thought, scowling at his reflection.
"You've got the voice. There's no question. But we'll have to do something about that scar."
Shouto's fingers dug into the skin at his temple to remember that conversation, and more still to know he'd meekly gone along with the manager's 'advice'. For five years, Shouto had towed the line and played his part. But the act, the hiding who he was, was wearing thin.
Straightening, Shouto pulled his hands away from his face, and spun away from the mirror. "Not today," he growled, eyes seeking the door to the bathroom.
He'd insisted that he needed this day to himself. Shouto didn't want to spend it with the band, or anyone associated with that part of his life. He wanted to do something for himself, for the person he'd once been.
Switching on the overhead lights, Shouto crouched down in front of the vanity and reached in behind for the small parcel he'd tucked away. A spark of uncertainty twisted at the very pit of Shouto's stomach as he looked down at the bottle of temporary hair colour.
His focus darted to meet his own reflection in the broad mirror. Shouto looked beyond his scar, to eyes of two different colours. Over the years, he'd been described as exotic, unique, and at times unusual.
Shouto's lips twisted into a wry smile. He'd never seen himself as desirable, and not because of the scar that marred his face. 'What would my fans think if they saw me like this?' He glanced down at the slender canister he held.
There was nothing stopping him from walking out of this hotel room, just as he was. Shouto watched his shoulders square towards the mirror, his hand tightening on the canister. He released a breath while popping the lid off.
No, there was nothing stopping him, except himself. There was a nagging doubt that they were right. That his fans wouldn't accept him for who he was. That it was better to play the illusion, and be what people wanted him to be, rather than what he truly was…
Shouto glared at his reflection as he shook the canister sharply with his left hand. He'd selected a colour as close to his right side as he'd been able to find, and held his breath as he pressed the nozzle.
The spray hissed loudly for a moment before Shouto pulled his hand back to survey the results. A significant patch of what had once been white hair now more closely resembled the red side that fell over his left eye.
…
Opening the door to his hotel room, Shouto glanced down the hall and released a relieved breath. 'Coast is clear.' Antipode had booked this wing of the floor, but that didn't guarantee privacy from the staff who worked the hotel.
Safe from prying eyes for the moment, Shouto pulled the door closed behind him. He secured the 'do not disturb' notice to the door. He didn't think anyone would come looking for him immediately, but wanted to delay notice of his absence for as long as possible.
Shouto settled his coat a little more comfortably on his shoulders as he strode over to the stairwell door. He didn't feel confident in his disguise while inside the hotel.
Antipode always did their best to keep a low profile outside of where they performed. But it was impossible to keep their presence entirely secret within the hotel. Certainly not from the staff, who, while discreet, definitely couldn't miss who they were attending to.
He'd considered wearing sunglasses as an extra layer of security until he was out in the city and could disappear in the crowds, but couldn't shake the feeling that would be a dead giveaway.
Shouto tried to ignore the itch between his shoulder blades, that gnawing sensation that he was about to be caught. He hesitated, coming down the last flight of stairs and the door which would lead him out into the lobby.
His gut twisted into a sensation of dropping away from him. 'I want to do this!' he thought with renewed determination.
'I just need to step outside of myself for a bit.' He continued to hesitate. It wasn't as if stepping through this door could somehow free him from the burdens of his life. But it was the first test of his ability to blend in effortlessly.
Shouto glanced through the small window in the stairwell door. There was a great deal of activity in the lobby beyond. He drew a breath, his eyes focusing on the pale reflection of his own face in the glass.
His lips turned up as excitement ignited within him, sending his heart racing. There was a strange thrill in all of this, too.
He was going out for the first time in years entirely as himself. 'Well, almost,' Shouto thought, eyes glancing at the bangs that fell across his eyes. He shrugged. It was close enough for what he wanted at this moment. Standing a little straighter, Shouto squared his shoulders and pushed open the door.
Shouto hesitated only a second once inside the lobby. He knew he needed to appear nonchalant if he didn't want to draw attention to himself, and that might have been hard if he hadn't spent the last five years of his life performing in front of crowds. Shouto had learned early in his career to stay within himself and, when necessary, let the eyes watching him fade into the background.
Sunlight, somehow not muted by the grey clouds which had rolled in, caused Shouto to squint as he stepped outside of the Palace Hotel. Regarding the clouds for a moment, Shouto wondered if it was going to snow.
He'd been told it was supposed to be a clear night for the performance. Shrugging his shoulders both against the chill of the air and his indifference to the weather, Shouto turned right, walking towards the first intersection.
As he walked, the singer glanced subtly at the people he passed, trying to gauge if anyone seemed to recognize him. But, those walking towards him and those moving along with him - they all appeared to be going about their own business. Busy with their own lives, their own cares, they spared no thought for him.
'I needed this,' he thought, breathing in a lungful of that brisk December air. 'A day to myself, where I can just be myself.'
Shouto knew he could go anywhere he wanted in the city, and hopefully remain anonymous. 'But where to begin?'
He stopped within the crowd at the intersection, waiting for the lights to change. 'Should I go get my favourite soba?' It had been well over two years since Shouto had the chance to eat at that little hole in the wall. They'd made the absolute best cold soba he'd ever had.
'I could always wander the old neighborhood…' Shouto gave his head a quick shake at such a thought, and moved with the flow of traffic towards the other side of the road.
Shouto allowed himself to glance at a few of the faces he passed while crossing the large intersection. Those few strangers whose eyes caught his continued on their way with no recognition of who he was.
'Two years away shouldn't make me feel like a stranger in my own country.' Shouto caught sight of his reflection in the window of one of the waiting cars. It was an effort to keep his feet moving.
'I've been a stranger for much longer than two years…' he thought darkly, unable to stop himself from studying the reflection staring back at him.
Shouto caught sight of his left hand inching towards his face, and he stopped himself just shy of touching the scar. 'It shouldn't feel strange to me.'
But it did. Much in the same way Tokoyami always looked wrong when he didn't bother with his contacts while the band was just rehearsing. Seeing the bassist practice with his thick-rimmed glasses always made Shouto do a double take.
The sudden honk of a horn broke Shouto's gaze away from his reflection. He glanced about cautiously, wondering if he'd drawn unwanted attention to himself from his distraction. But the people moved about him as they had before.
Those who glanced his way did so without pausing, or showing any signs of recognizing him. 'How could they?' he thought bitterly. 'Not even my core fans actually know me…'
Shouto took a hesitant step away from the parked car. 'I didn't intend to hide who I am,' he told himself, not for the first time. Shouto's gut twisted, for there was a time when he'd been all for it.
It had been fun, to be almost someone else. To see and remember who he had been before that awful day. 'I've put that all behind me now,' Shouto's left hand clenched into a fist.
'Have you?' that thought bubbles out of the depths of Shouto's mind, an all too familiar voice of doubt.
Shouto gave his head a vigorous shake, a futile attempt to banish such thoughts. Looking up, he saw the old Otemon gate a short distance away, and he turned his feet towards it.
'I haven't been in a true Japanese garden in so long,' Shouto's stride lengthened as he made his way towards the Imperial Palace East Garden. 'Kinda strange…that despite everything, places like this can still feel like home to me. The only part of home I miss…'
…
'This is what I wanted, you're the one I wanted
To have. (Will you see!)
It's not all I can be!'
Momo silently sang along to the song as she walked towards her destination. Her steps fell harder along the smooth path, striking the ground in time to the powerful beat of the music.
'I will face the scars
Weighing me down (they're not)
Weighing me down
So far down'
It was New Year's eve, and Momo intended to make the most of the day. Having been away from home for more than a year finishing her studies, Momo wanted to take the day to re-familiarize herself with Tokyo.
'It's so good to be home again. Although being away made me appreciate these things, I once took for granted.'
Stepping up to the kiosk, Momo selected one token and walked into the public garden. She drew a deep breath, smiling with contentment at the scent of pine that filled the air.
'Doesn't matter what time of year, this place is always so beautiful.'
She started down the path, eyes darting about the garden, taking in everything she passed. 'I could lose myself in the tranquility here, even on a chilly day like today.'
Antsy to leave the house this morning and get her day started, Momo knew it was much too early to be trying to get to Shibuya Crossing. Although she had no doubts, many people were doing just that.
The show was always spectacular. Momo had watched the event last year online, having been unable to make it back home because of her studies. This year she intended to be at the heart of it, to take in the excitement and thrill with her own senses.
'I hope Antipode will play What You See of Me,' she thought, just as the song ended in her ears. Momo had heard the news that Antipode would headline with interest.
Some of their music had become staples of Momo's study playlists; the strong beat of the music driving her to focus more intently on her work. While the singer's voice, so smooth and deep, was something she could listen to for hours.
That aside, Momo knew little about the band. She never got so into a group that she needed to know every detail ever printed about them. It was the music that drew Momo, the feel, the lyrics.
Pulling her phone out of her coat pocket, Momo scrolled through the eclectic variety of music she liked to walk to. Her thumb hovered over What You See of Me, and she caught her reflection on the screen, smiling before selecting the song.
'Look at me! (look at me)
Do you see? What . See?'
Momo nodded her head along to the beat of the song as she turned down another winding path, her feet slowly taking her towards the large pond in the Ninomaru Garden at the east end of the park.
'Where have I gone wrong?
What have I become?
Is this what I wanted, do you think I wanted
To be. (Is this me?)
Is this all I can be?'
There were a lot of bare branches at this time of year crisscrossing the muted grey sky. But the carefully manicured shrubs and rock gardens were still striking, peaceful, and wholly feeling like home.
'Or can I face the scars
Weighing me down (down, down)
Weighing me down
So far down.'
Momo drew another deep breath, releasing it in a happy sigh as she stepped lightly onwards.
'Saw this all along (look at me)
False adoration (betrays my heart now)
Is this what I wanted, do you think I wanted
To be. (This is not me!)'
A flash of red, through the evergreen boughs, caught Momo's eye a second before the path opened up to the pond. The surface of the water was as smooth as glass, reflecting the grey sky overhead and the beautiful rocks that surrounded the edge.
'Don't fall away (Don't fall a-way)
Don't drown away
I will get back up again
I can love myself again'
There was a man, sitting on a rock at the edge of the pond near the yukimi-doro, the stone lantern with two legs resting in the water. Momo's steps slowed, as she looked at the man with his strikingly red hair staring down at his reflection in the water.
'I can face these scars!'
Glancing around the open area, Momo didn't see many other patrons around and so her attention returned to the man. 'He's handsome,' she thought, her feet taking her several steps closer to the pond without realizing it.
'This is what I wanted, you're the one I wanted
To have. (Will you see!)
It's not all I can be!'
He didn't appear to hear her approach on the loose gravel, but remained sitting, one knee drawn up to his chest, his left arm resting atop it, while long fingers poked through his crimson hair. He was frowning down at the water, the dark expression marring what Momo realized were extremely handsome features.
'I will face the scars
Weighing me down (they're not)
Weighing me down
so far down'
'He looks so sad,' Momo thought, her feet continuing to close the distance. She tapped her left AirPod, shutting off the song mid chorus, before reaching up to remove the small bluetooth devices and slip them into her coat pocket.
Momo came to a stop at the edge of the water, seeing her own reflection staring back at her. Her attention passed to the young man's reflection a moment before she noticed movement in the water.
"Oh, the koi," she said with a smile.