MABEL
—Look! Titties!—
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"I think I see someone comin'," Beatrice whispers, more like hisses like a hyena. I smack her shoulder, needing her to shut her mouth.
"Will ya be quiet? We need to be incognito," I snap, stepping outside of our car. Our con is simple. We pretend we're two old ladies, who've lost our minds and way. A black car, with the license plate ending in ZRW2, and the second shift henchmen for Rossi should pass through. We need to get him to pull over and help us. While we've got him out of his car, Henry will slash his tires and take a wrench to his head. Sounds brutal and messy and thrilling. I rub my hands together, waiting to see if this is our guy. "Yep, it's him. Henry, go hide!"
Henry ducks behind the car, while Beatrice sticks her leg out, pulling her dress up.
"Oh hell, he's gonna speed up seeing that! Put your damn leg down. Throw yourself in the road or something."
"What if he hits me?"
"Wouldn't be the worst thing."
My sister gives me the bird and drops her dress. The car nears around the bend, and the front plate comes into view. It's definitely him. "All right. Just get him to stop. Smile at him. Maybe he'll veer off the road and Henry won't have to put the hurt on him."
Henry pops up from the side. "No way. I've been looking to test out this choke hold move since 'Nam. Don't screw this up, honey."
Shivers run down my spine. No need for me to hear those two sweet talkin' each other.
When the car is only one hundred feet away, Beatrice steps into the middle of the road, waving her hands and clucking like a chicken. I shake my head, knowing we should have left her at home. That little girl could have done a better job. I open my mouth to tell her to cut it out, when the vehicle begins to slow, then is pulling to the side.
"You lost, lady?"
"Oh heavens no. I was on my way to visit my granddaughter, Little Red Riding Hood, and my car broke down. Think you can take a look at it?"
Jesus Christ. Two seconds into our con and she's gonna blow it. The thug stares Bea down, but a few seconds pass and he nods, walking toward the front of the car. "What seems to be the problem?" he asks, finding the lever and popping the hood. He dips his head in, searching for signs of distress, but clearly doesn't see any. When he pops back up, his eyes catch movement on the side of the car. "Shit, what's—"
"Look! Titties!" Bea whips her dress top down and flashes the thug her boobs, distracting him just in time for Henry to pop out and successfully test out and complete his choke hold.
The thug drops to the ground.
"Mission complete. Good work. Even though I think seeing Bea's tits knocked him out before the choke hold."
I send a text to Nini telling her mission one is complete. On to mission two.
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"Are you sure this is the place?"
"It has to be. It's an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere. It sure ain't a goddamn amusement park."
"Well, shoot, if it was, I'd ride me some—"
"Hell! Stay focused, dammit!" I swat at Beatrice and go to take my shoe off to beat her with it.
"Now's not the time, ladies. The guard is outside," Henry reminds us. "Grab Kuma and let's go. Time's a tickin'."
We get out of the car, Kuma hopping out behind us, trotting like a dog on a mission.
"So, what do we do again? And why aren't we the ones shooting at people? Sounds way more fun," Beatrice yaps, sounding just as annoying as Kuma when he's hungry.
"Because no one suspects old people, that's why. And if you want, I can shoot at you. Now shut it and get into character," I bark back.
Henry puts on the dark glasses, along with his cane, while Beatrice and I both pull the white jumpsuits on over our clothes. The con is to look like nursing home escapees. Two batshit crazy old women and a blind man. Who would suspect them of any wrongdoing and actually part of the mob, which we made Vincent swear us in as mobsters before setting off on our part of the job. The sun is still out as we walk up to a large warehouse building. A few cars are parked outside, but the only other person in sight is a man standing outside a door. The door that we need to clear so Nini can get to her wife. Can't believe she didn't invited us to her wedding.
"Whoa whoa, who the fuck are you three?" thug number two questions, his hand cautiously going to his back, where we were warned he'll hold his gun.
Show time.
"Hello there, Sonny! This is Rose and Jack. They've just escaped the Titanic. We need to use your bathroom. You got one in that building?"
His eyes cross. He's so confused. So am I.
"Lady, this ain't a rest stop. You need to be on your way. Beat it, Grannie. And your little dog too."
Maybe I should have allowed Bea to do this part. She sure is the crazier one of us two.
But I'm not leaving without my beau. I mean… Nini's beau. Oh, Paul, I hope he's all still in one piece. Resetting, I start over.
"You're right. What am I talking about? My mind, it's goin'. What year is it again? Marty McFly over here is lost and needs to find where he parked his DeLorean. You gotta phone we could use, preferably inside?"
Hell! I thought I'd be a lot better at this. Bea rolls her eyes at me, and I'm ready to blow our cover just to kick her ass—
"Listen up, amigo." Bea steps in. "See this dog? He's a smuggler dog. We stole him from the looney bin we just escaped from. We made him eat all the old people's jewelry. Made out pretty hefty too. Diamond rings galore. We need a place to stash him until he shits it all out. You mind holding on to him?"
This is crap. He actually believes her! His eyes light up at the sound of diamonds. His hand releases his grip on his gun and he nods and smiles. "Fuck yeah, I'll take the little mutt. How long until he shits?"
Bea looks panicked. "Ummm…"
"Five minutes or less. Hurry, take him inside." I pick up Kuma and hand him to the gangster. He nods, giving us his back to enter in the code to the door.
Henry pounces, using his choke hold technique and bringing the guy to the ground.
I shoot off another text to Nini. Mission two complete. Door's unlocked. Hurry!
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