KUMA
—BROS BEFORE HOES!—
..
..
Where are my pets?
I look under the bed. Nope, not there.
In the closet? Gone.
Hmmm…
They were just here, but then my new baby human pet distracted me with delicious ham and a promise of more cold sweet French toast sticks when she can slip away from her mother. And now, I can't find them. My favorite pets.
It's up to me to protect them and I've lost them!
I gallop down the hallway and pound on the door with my meaty paws, demanding Dr. Death, the sucker, to let me out. He rushes over to me and scratches behind my ear. I'm supposed to hate him, but I'll forgive him this once because he gives the best scratches.
"You need to go outside and take a wee-wee?" he coos.
"I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT, YOU BALL-LESS CUNT!" I bellow at him.
He grins. "You're so cute when you yap."
Why do all my pets call it yapping?
As soon as he opens the door, I sprint down the porch and into the grass. I screech to a halt to sniff the air. When I get a whiff of my pets, I take off in that direction.
"Well, well, well," a familiar voice says, making me stumble to a stop. "If it isn't the Bing Kuma."
This fucking guy.
"BILLY, YOU WHORE! YOU HAVE A WIFE!"
Billy, the smug goat, trots my way. "We're not exclusive, handsome. Juniper and Crayola hook up all the time. That's life." He sniffs my butt, distracting me. "I always have time for you."
"NOT NOW!" I growl. "I'M LOOKING FOR MY PETS!"
Billy licks under my tail and I fall over, succumbing to his charms.
Bastard!
"HOW YOU DOIN'?" I say, drunk on pleasure. I always thought I was a better Joey than a Kuma…
Billy's magical tongue has me seeing stars until I hear my favorite pets laughing nearby.
"DAMN YOU, BILLY, FOR DOING THAT AGAIN!"
I scramble away from my relentless pursuer and race over to my people. They smell suspicious, but I climb up the small one and lick her face. She kisses me and praises me and tells me she loves me.
"Bingster," my favorite pet says, grinning at me. "Come to Daddy."
"CALL ME JOEY!"
"I'll call you Joey," Billy offers, licking his lips.
I hate that goat.
"Do you think they're talking to each other?" my pet Nini Bananie asks my favorite one.
"Nah," Daddy pet says. "The sketchy goat is probably fucking annoying him too."
"EXACTLY!" I agree. This is why she's my favorite. Even if she calls me everything but Joey. She gets me. We're bros.
"You like it," Billy says.
I leap out of Nini Bananie's arms into Daddy's. She snuggles me and tells me to watch that sketchy goat and that she has my back.
"CAN WE KILL HIM?" I beg.
"We're going to bail this loser farm, Bingboo," she whispers. "Get the hell out of this zoo and back on the road where we belong. Your mommy loves an adventure."
She's not my mom, she's my pet, but I don't correct her.
"FUCKING FINALLY!"
"I'm free next week," Billy offers.
"Dude, stop rubbing on my leg," Daddy pet grumbles to the annoying ass goat. "Go on. Shoo. Go find the Goatfather and leave us alone."
"YEAH!" I bellow in agreement. "YOU HEARD THE GIRL!" I don't care how nice Billy's tongue is, I'm not interested. Freaky goat bastard.
"You'll be back," Billy says in a smug tone. "They always come back."
I lick Daddy pet's face and I wonder if she'll have hair like me.
"Sometimes I think Mr. Bing likes you better," Nini Bananie complains as she leans in and gives me a sad face.
"I DO!" I agree, but lick her face so she won't feel so bad. "I LIKED YOU BEST UNTIL GP GIRL SURPRISED US ON RICHARD SIMMONS NIGHT! INSTALOVE, NINI BANANIE! JUST LIKE IN YOUR BOOKS!"
"I think he's saying he loves me more," she says, scrunching her nose and cocking her head.
"Of course he is," Daddy placates.
I lick Daddy face and say, "LIES! BROS BEFORE HOES! DON'T GIVE HER FALSE HOPE!"
"Shh," she says, snuggling me. "Our secret, Bingster."
A whine of protest escapes me, but I don't fight her on this. I suppose we can have our secrets to spare Nini Bananie feelings. She's my second favorite after all.
"That's a good boy," Daddy coos. "Now let's get inside. It's bed time. Tomorrow, the adventure begins."
..
..
..