Thank you for your continued interest and support. I do not own Glee or the characters, neither do I own Grayson's Vow.
Another very very long chapter...
SAM
I am an idiot... A jealous idiot.
My brother had been right... I'd walked up on him and Mercedes hugging and I'd lost my mind.
I had closed myself off completely since he and Olivia had arrived, even ignoring Mercedes after I'd gone to her room and tried to claim her like a drunken fool.
So I could only blame myself if she went looking for comfort and companionship with Stevie. Of course she felt comfortable and safe with him...who didn't?
Stevie, who had always been the easygoing charmer...
Stevie, who had never disappointed anyone.
I don't want you. I don't want you at all.
No one wants you. No one ever has.
Stevie, who has never heard those words...
Another spear of jealousy went shooting down my spine, and I gritted my teeth. I had never in my life fallen into a jealous rage over a woman, but the possessiveness I'd felt when I'd seen Mercedes and Stevie embracing, had thrown me over the edge.
I've watched them over the past week and seen the way they strolled around the property, talking, even laughing. And something that felt close to despair swelled in my chest, every time.
Jesus, I needed to get ahold of myself. What was I jealous of anyway?
She'd been willing to come to my bed, even if that was off the table now. So what else did I want?
Was I upset I'd sabotaged that for myself just like I seem to sabotage everything good in my life?
Or was it really just because Stevie had stolen Olivia from me?
I hadn't let myself think too much about it since they'd been here... I hadn't wanted to explore any of that. And so, I'd simply shut down.
And then even worse, in some idiotic effort to prove I wasn't jealous and perhaps to hurt Mercedes too, I acknowledged that much...I exposed the truth of our marriage in a cruel, heartless way.
The deep hurt and humiliation I'd seen in her eyes had sent guilt crashing over me. Here I was, another man in her life using her as the scapegoat.
Fuck!
And then she'd run.
Double Fuck!
Now I was looking for her to try to make it right after I'd left my brother, Olivia and Alice gaping after me.
What a fucking mess this was...
What a fucking mess I was...
I felt like everything I'd been holding back all week was swirling inside me, coming to a boiling head.
What in the actual hell had happened to me?
I'd met Mercedes Jones, that's what had happened to me.
I spotted Mercedes out in the south field, looking as if she was collecting apricots off the ground. Was she holding them in the bottom of her shirt?
For a second, I just stood and watched her as she hopped among the fruit, bending and collecting, bringing a piece of fruit to her nose every now and again.
What was the little witch up to anyway?
Suddenly, something pulled tight inside me... Why did my aggravating wife have to fascinate me even as my guts were churning inside my body?
I approached her slowly and by the time I got to the edge of where hundreds of overly ripe apricots littered the ground, she had ten or fifteen pieces of fruit weighing down her blousy shirt.
"Mercedes," I said as calmly as I could. "What are you doing?"
"Collecting fruit for Alice's jam... The jam you love so much... The jam that makes you happy. I've been meaning to do it all week, but I've been very busy. You know...organizing your office and planning a party so it might be easier for you to rejoin Napa society, entertaining your family and trying to figure out how to sideswipe certain questions from Stevie and Olivia. Which, come to think of it, I'd like to thank you...for just blurting out the truth because that's one stressor off my plate. I can't tell you how relieved I am not to have to lie anymore..."
"Mercedes," I said, moving closer. "I'm sorry. That was poorly done on my part."
"Plus," she went on as if she hadn't heard me. "It's such a waste of food. There are people who don't have enough to eat...right here in Napa. And here's all this fruit just littering the ground. It's unconscionable, really."
"Mercedes," I repeated, moving closer still...
She whirled towards me, her hair hanging long and wavy down her back, wisps and curls framing her pretty face. Her eyes were bright and stormy, putting me in mind of a tropical tempest about to hit ground.
Her face was flushed and I could see she was so filled with anger...and some other emotion I had no idea how to name...she was having trouble catching her breath.
The barest glimpse of her soft stomach was visible where her shirt had ridden up into a makeshift basket, heavy with fruit. But my breath caught as I took her in.
She was the most beautifully wild thing I had ever seen and the primal part of me suddenly had the urge to tame her immediately...
Right this very second.
I knew I should be groveling and God, I knew she deserved as much, but after a week of keeping her at arm's length and seeing her now standing in front of me, all fire and life, I lost control in the way only she could cause me to do...
I strode towards her even as her eyes widened, and she dropped the fruit collected in her shirt, soft apricots making wet plopping sounds as they splattered on the ground at her feet.
She belonged to me...
The jealousy I'd felt when I'd seen her in Stevie's arms flared again even as I pulled her to my body.
Looking at her now and realizing how desperately I wanted her... how these past days had been like living without light... I felt envious and vulnerable all over again.
I desperately wanted her to soothe the wild agony raging inside me... to reassure the wounded part of my heart that she thought there was something worthy about me... that she wanted me, too.
But I had no idea how to put those feelings into words. I didn't know how to ask, especially when I had so much to apologize for.
And so, I claimed her the only way I knew how... I grabbed her roughly and pressed my lips to hers.
I had only planned to kiss Mercedes once and then let her go, but the taste of her sent a flame licking from low in my belly.
So I really grasped her, unable to tear my mouth from hers.
She fought me for a few brief moments, both of our arms scrabbling around each other as I sought to pull her closer. But then she let out a small sob and wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me back with passionate fervor.
I licked at her tongue, the taste of her soothing the ache inside me, bringing me simultaneously a loss of control and the first small taste of peace I'd had for what felt like so very long.
Maybe for a lifetime.
But before I had time to sink into the kiss, she pushed at my chest, stumbling back several steps, her lips puffy, her eyes filled with renewed hurt.
"Mercedes," I said, noting the pleading tone in my own voice. "Come here."
Her chin went up and she took several more steps backward.
"No!"
I hesitated.
What did she want?
"Meet in the middle."
I nodded my head towards a spot on the grass between where we stood facing each other.
"No!" she spit out mutinously.
A swell of anger came over me... I wasn't going to keep my hands off her. My gut churned with desire and my blood buzzed with the need to possess her.
I'd never wanted another woman this much.
Damn the little witch to hell!
What did she want from me?
I went to grab for her again, but she suddenly scooped something off the ground and flung it, the loud splat of a mushy apricot exploding on my forehead to drip down my face.
I was momentarily stunned...
But I reached my hand up and took a finger full of apricot off my forehead and brought my finger down to look at it, disbelievingly.
"You defiant, little she-devil," I said, my eyes meeting hers. Then with one quick movement, I scooped up a soft apricot and hurled it at her.
She squeaked as it made contact with the small bit of skin showing at the V-neck of her blouse, breaking apart in a splatter of juice and pulp and sliding down her shirt.
Her mouth dropped open and she looked at me as if in shock that I had done as she'd done.
"You self-serving, slimy monster!" she hissed.
Then we both started scooping up the fruit and chucking it at each other in a burst of a hundred emotions I couldn't identify in myself, much less in her.
But my blood felt hot in my veins and it was as if the cold indifference in which I'd wrapped myself recently, was melting down my skin.
Squishy fruit flew at me again and again, most making contact, sticky wetness matting my hair and dripping down every part of my body.
Our wills clashed as the sweet, pungent smell of apricots scented the air.
Mercedes looked about the same as I imagined I looked...like she'd rolled in a vat of fruit.
When she paused for a breath, glaring at me, I lunged for her, both of us rolling onto the soft grass, her body coming to rest under mine.
Lust surged through me, sharp and almost painful. And I had no idea who initiated the kiss, but I thought it might've been her. However, we licked at each other's mouths wildly, greedily, groaning and grasping.
I slid my hand up her shirt, feeling soft, smooth skin and she bucked beneath me. I could feel the strong rhythm of her pulse as I brought my other hand to her throat, rubbing my thumb in circles over it, glorying in the feel of her lifeblood right beneath my fingers.
My desire for her burned, scalding my heart... This beautiful, willful, tender, stubborn, compassionate, infuriating little witch.
"Please, Sam," she panted, pulling at my shirt.
"Yes," I managed, rolling my hips against hers. "Tell me you want me, Mercedes. Please say it," I begged shamelessly.
"I do. I want you. I want you so much."
Relief exploded in my gut, sudden and fierce... Oh God, I was ridiculously and hopelessly enchanted with my wife.
I couldn't wait a second longer...
And my cock throbbed eagerly between my thighs.
She was going to be mine. I didn't care if we were rolling in the grass...
"Oh my God!" came a woman's voice from above us.
"What the...?" came another voice.
"For the love of..."
"Well, I've never seen anything..."
Mercedes and I both froze, blinking at each other, fog clearing from her expression as we both looked up.
I squinted into the sunshine, but could only see the dark outlines of six figures hovering over us.
I felt stunned and it took me several long moments to get my bearings and for my blood to cool.
But I felt Mercedes pulling away from me as if I was fire and she'd been burned.
When I realize she was standing, I pulled myself up, too, gelatinous apricot goo sliding down my face and bare arms.
And when I was finally able to make out the faces before me, my eyes roamed from Alice to Harrold, to Stevie to Olivia, to a woman with pink hair I didn't recognize and to another face, but one I did recognize immediately...
"Harlan," I said with surprised wonder.
Harlan Presley...aka Axel, was as big and rough-looking as I remembered him. A big bear of a man covered in tattoos. He stepped forward, his eyes raking over Mercedes and me...
"Well, I'll be damned."
"What? How?" I sputtered, stepping forward to grab his hand, my mind grasping to make sense of this situation. And I forced myself to pull my focus from Mercedes long enough to gain some mental footing. "How are you here?"
I wiped my sticky hand on my pants but only came away with more sticky fruit pulp.
Harlan stared at me for a moment and then burst out laughing, his chuckle deep and warm.
"Man, I got out a month ago." He looked me up and down, an expression on his face between disgust and hilarity. "But I think I'm more interested in hearing about what's been going on with you, though. Looks like it's been... sticky."
Suddenly, Mercedes stepped forward, her face mostly unrecognizable beneath gobs of apricot innards...
"Wait, Harlan? Axle?" she asked, her voice breathless.
Harlan turned towards her, squinting...
"Mercedes?" he asked.
My head moved back and forth between them.
"You two know each other?" I asked, my voice filled with the shock I felt. I could see everyone else in my peripheral vision, their heads swinging back and forth from person to person as well. The only thing missing was popcorn.
"Oh my God!" Mercedes said excitedly, rushing towards Harlan, heedless of the fact that she was about to cover him in the same sticky muck she was covered in.
He didn't stop her, though, when she threw herself at him, hugging him tightly. And I might've had another moment of jealousy, but the hug was brief and Harlan was smiling down at her with friendly affection.
"I can't believe you're here."
"How do you know each other?" I asked again.
"From the drop-in center," she said, not even glancing at me.
My head was swimming, not only from this strange blast from my past, but from the transition between what had been happening with Mercedes and me, to what was happening now.
And if the silence of everyone else watching this exchange was any indication, they were shocked, too.
"How do you two know each other?" Mercedes asked.
"From prison," I said.
"Oh," she breathed, finally looking at me. Then she looked back to Harlan. "Harlan, you served time?"
"Yeah, Merce, I did, I'm sorry to say. Turned out to be one of the best things that could've happened to me, though. Life is good. Although," he turned back to me, "I'm hoping there might be an employment opportunity here."
"You need a job?" I asked. "Yeah, of course you can have a job. Man, whatever you need."
His beefy face broke into a grin...
"Was hoping you'd say that." He turned to the woman with pink hair wearing a skimpy leather skirt and an even skimpier tank top next to him... "By the way, this is Kitty."
I showed her my sticky hand as explanation as to why I wasn't offering it. But she laughed softly and said,
"Nice to meet you, Sam. Harlan's told me a lot about you. I can see he might've left out some."
She looked between Mercedes and me, but her look was amused, without mocking. Then she grinned up at Harlan...
Alice stepped forward...
"Sammy, maybe, you and Mercedes can get yourself cleaned up from...well, from...well, cleaned up, and we can all get acquainted up at the house?"
She looked hopeful. And I assumed they had all rushed down here thinking Mercedes and I were in some kind of physical showdown after what had happened near the maze.
I guess that was actually pretty accurate...although it hadn't been violent.
Mostly.
"That's a good idea. Mercedes?"
She looked at me, seemingly like she couldn't decide what she wanted to do...
"Yes, okay," she said finally.
I pulled on her sleeve and she halted, looking down at where my hand was touching her.
"Mercedes..."
"Let's just get cleaned up, Sam," she said quietly, not meeting my eyes and not allowing me to attempt to read her expression. However, I nodded, releasing her.
We all started for the house, Mercedes walking ahead, Harlan telling me how he'd located me here in Napa and about the small place Kitty had in Vallejo, a nearby town.
"I remembered you were in Napa Valley and I looked you up and knew this had to be the place. Man, I can't believe it's been so long."
I looked at Harlan regretfully...
"I know, I wasn't great about keeping in touch. I'm sorry about that. But once I got here and realized how much work I had cut out for me, I kinda got tunnel vision."
"It's understandable. No apologies. This place, though, wow! I know you said it was beautiful here, but I didn't imagine this," he said, sweeping his hand in the direction of the hills of bright green vineyards in the distance, and in the other direction where the majestic mountain vistas created a breathtaking silhouette.
"It's on the way to being what it once was," I said, distractedly, glancing ahead at Mercedes as we approached the house.
She turned back quickly, seeming to consider something before she went inside.
Then she kissed Harlan on his cheek and squeezed his hand.
"I'm so glad to see you looking so well," she said, sounding like she was going to cry.
I frowned, but she didn't glance my way and didn't wait for Harlan to answer. She just turned and disappeared inside the house, leaving me to stare at the empty place where she'd just been.
"Sam," Stevie said, approaching me. "After you get cleaned up and get a chance to chat with Harlan and Kitty, we should talk."
Olivia stood behind him, nervously biting her lip...
Oh God, that's right. I'd blurted out that Mercedes and I had a marriage of convenience for money. And now I needed to explain. Only, how could I begin to do that when I barely understood the situation myself anymore.
It had seemed clear-cut once upon a time. Now, it was about as sticky and sludgy as I currently was.
"Sure," I mumbled, heading inside. "Alice, will you get Harlan and Kitty something to eat and drink? I'll be downstairs shortly."
"Of course," she said, leading them both towards the kitchen...
I tried the door to the room Mercedes was staying in, but she had locked it and when I knocked, she didn't answer. She was probably in the shower.
I'd shower, too and then come back. I needed to talk to her first and foremost. We had unfinished business. And I wanted to make sure she was okay.
I wanted to make sure we were okay...
I showered, balling my sticky clothes into a heap and wrapping them in a towel to bring to the laundry room. God, what in the hell had come over us?
What was that all about?
After dressing in clean jeans and a T-shirt, I walked barefoot to Mercedes' room and knocked on the door again. When there was still no answer, I tried the doorknob and found it unlocked.
Had she already gone downstairs?
I peeked inside the room and noticed immediately that her suitcase was gone...
Panic swirled in my gut and I entered the room, calling her name. The closet was open, but there was nothing inside except for a few garment bags that held some of my stepmother's old clothes.
Then I spotted the note on the dresser as I turned to leave, with the ring I'd given to her for the sake of our ceremony...the one she'd been wearing ever since our first dinner date...sitting on top.
The light caught the diamonds as I lifted it...
What had I been thinking giving her this ring?
And God, I wasn't sure I wanted to read the note. However, I picked it up and read...
Sam,
I think it's obvious after today we require some space from one another. And you need time to work things out with Stevie and Olivia without me in the way. I'll be at the party next week to perform my final act as your wife, and then I'll be moving out for good.
Mercedes
P.S. I think this ring belongs to Olivia, not to me. Not that it ever really did.
I dropped the piece of paper, a lump forming in my throat, coldness creeping up my spine. She said she wanted me and then she left.
I turned and descended the stairs, the ice moving swiftly up my spine to fill my chest and surround my heart. And I took comfort in the frigid feeling.
It was what I knew, what I deserved, and how I would survive the hurt.
Following the voices to the kitchen, I joined Harlan, Kitty and Alice at the table.
Alice started to cut me a piece of her sour cream coffee cake, but I held up my hand, declining her silent offer.
She frowned...
"Harlan was telling me how you saved his life," she said. She studied me, a look of both tenderness and sadness in her expression.
I ran my hand through my hair... I'd never spoken to anyone about my time in prison. And I wasn't necessarily willing to now, but I also couldn't exactly throw Harlan out. I owed him so much. He'd been there with me. He'd lived it.
"More like he saved mine," I said.
"Naw, that's not the way I remember it," he said, leaning back and lacing his fingers behind his bald head.
"I did one thing just by luck. But you had my back for the next five years," I said, something catching in my throat. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have survived that place."
And it was true. When I'd first arrived, I'd been in shock, numb with disbelief that I'd been sentenced to a five-year term after my lawyer had assured me I'd get community service at best...six months at worst.
I'd been in the yard with Harlan...who I didn't even know at the time...when something shiny had caught my eye. Instinctively, I'd pushed him away and it had given him time to turn and disarm the man who otherwise would've gutted him with the makeshift knife.
From that day forward, Harlan...who had done several prison stints and understood how the system worked with inside connections...had protected me from any number of horrors I might've experienced had it not been for him.
"Well, you're family then," Alice said before she looked away, her eyes bright with what looked like unshed tears.
Harlan nodded at her, giving her a warm smile before he looked back to me...
"And now," he said, leaning forward. "To come here and find you married to Mercedes Jones. Life is full of surprises."
I made a small sound of agreement in my throat, deciding not to mention the circumstances of our marriage or the fact that it'd be over soon anyway.
But Harlan was eyeing me in that way of his.
He might look big and mean, but he was about the best judge of people I'd ever known.
He'd told me it was necessary growing up on the streets of San Francisco. It was either anticipate a person's next move, or become their victim.
"Can I tell you a story about Mercedes?" he asked.
"Sure," I said warily.
He nodded.
"About six years ago, I was in a real bad place." He paused, glancing at Kitty who was looking at him sympathetically, and then took her hand in his. "I couldn't figure out how to get myself sober. I had lost everything and alienated everyone who cared about me. So I planned to end my life. Got a gun and everything. It was loaded, ready to go..."
"Jesus, Harlan," I muttered. "I didn't know."
He nodded.
"It's difficult to admit how low I was and how little I valued my life back then. But it's the truth of my story. I went to the drop-in center for what I intended to be my last meal, and that's where I met Mercedes. She must've been just a teenager at the time..."
A teenager... Teenagers weren't typically known for their selflessness. But Mercedes had been kind, even then...
I focused back in on what Harlan was saying...
"She served me some food, sat down with me and we chatted for a while. She had brought this magic kit to entertain the kids and she did a few tricks for me...completely amateur. But she was all animated about it, though, full of life, you know?"
Yes, I did know...
"And it was the first time I remembered smiling for a long time," he went on. "She told me if I came back the next day, she'd show me how she'd done them. Well, I probably would've been able to figure them out on my own...they weren't very complicated. But just the fact that someone had asked me to return, and seemed to want it enough to try to bribe me with the answers to some silly tricks," he chuckled softly. "Well, I did come back that next day. And then she did something else to spark my interest. And it was the first time I realized I had any interest left. That one simple thing gave me the hope I needed. So I kept going back, and I guess you could say I got distracted from ending my life. That's the truth."
God, that sounded like Mercedes. It sounded just like her.
I felt my heart thumping in my chest, and the ice that had started to rebuild around my heart began to melt and slide away.
And I couldn't decide if I was angry about it or not.
Damn little witch!
Where was she?
Harlan continued...
"I wasn't ready quite yet to turn my life around. I made some mistakes and ended up serving time with you. But I'll tell you this, as God is my witness, if it hadn't been for Mercedes saving my life, I wouldn't have been around to be saved again by you, and then to do what I could to make your time inside a little easier. Funny how it worked out like that, isn't it? Funny how one life can affect another, and then that life affects the one after it and on and on."
"Funny," I breathed. "Random."
He winked...
"If you're a believer in random." He paused, a smile appearing, "Well, listen, my man, we'll have lots of time to reminisce. But if I'm going to be at my best for work tomorrow morning, I better get home so I can rest up. Plus, Kitty has to work tonight."
"Oh," Alice said. "What do you do, dear?"
"I'm an exotic dancer," Kitty said, smiling.
"Oh, a dancer! How lovely," Alice answered, bringing her hands together as if the woman had just told her she was the lead on Broadway.
I cleared my throat and smiled at Harlan and Kitty as I stood up.
"I can't tell you how glad I am you looked me up. It's good to see you."
"You too, brother."
We shook, bumping fists like we'd always done in prison. Then Alice gave them both a hug and walked them to the door.
After they'd left, but before anyone had a chance to seek me out, I grabbed my keys and left out the back door, circling around to the front and getting in my truck.
I drove towards town...I had a wife to look for, and some errands to do.
"Oh, you're back," Alice said, holding the laundry bin from my bathroom and two shirts she'd obviously just ironed.
I was staring out the window and I barely spared her a glance. I'd been ignoring her, too, for the past week...mostly for the stunt she'd pulled in luring Stevie and Olivia here under false pretenses and forcing me to contend with their presence.
I'd just gotten home from driving around Napa looking for Mercedes' car.
Harlan's story had convinced me to go out searching for her, but maybe I shouldn't have been looking for her at all. She'd said she wanted me...
Was it the heat of the moment?
Or had she meant it in a purely physical sense?
Or had she lied?
Or... Who cared what?
She wasn't here, that was the bottom line.
She'd left me...
I don't want you. I don't want you at all.
If you were worth more...
Maybe she'd driven to San Francisco to stay with Melodie.
She'd said in her note she'd be back for the party, though...
"Well, when you're done feeling all sorry for yourself, dinner will be..."
Alice's words ended abruptly and I looked up. She was standing at the closet door, having just hung up the ironed shirts. She turned towards me sharply...
"So this is how you see yourself? The villain? Or wait, perhaps the victim. Captain Hook to your brother's Peter Pan? This is what you've come up with?" she asked as she held the costume I'd stopped and rented, after being unable to find Mercedes.
There was only one description for the look on her face...utter disappointment.
"What would you have me dress as, Alice?" I asked. "A prince? It's just a stupid party anyway. It means nothing. And I'm no prince."
"It's a party your wife is throwing for you out of the kindness in her heart."
I glowered at her...
"My wife is gone! She left me! She's only coming back for the party and then she's leaving again...permanently. Just as we'd planned."
Just as we'd planned...
Alice looked shocked for a brief moment, but then her knowing eyes roamed over my face as silence settled between us.
"But it's not just as you planned, is it? Nothing is as you planned. And that scares you very, very much." She approached me and reached out her hand. I took it and she squeezed mine between both of her own, the comforting scent of her...baked goods and talcum powder...causing my breathing to calm. "Ah, my boy, you've fallen very hard, haven't you?"
"Fallen?" I took my hand from hers. "Fallen where?"
She smiled gently at me.
"In love of course. With Mercedes. With your wife."
I swallowed heavily and turned towards the window.
"I'm not in love with Mercedes," I insisted, but the words felt flimsy, as if they didn't hold any weight and might simply float away.
Alice sighed...
"For the love of all things holy, you're both so stubborn. You two probably deserve no less than to be shackled to each other for life. It's a wonder watching you together hasn't driven me to drink."
I snorted...
I was not in love with that little witch. Was I?
No, I couldn't be. My emotions for her were too turbulent, too out of control, too...terrifying. Maybe I was obsessed with her, enchanted, even beguiled. But love?
No, not love.
"She makes me crazy," I said, turning back to Alice. "And when we're together, we act like out-of-control children half the time."
And the other times like desperate lovers, unable to keep our hands off each other...
Alice made a clicking sound in the back of her mouth and nodded her head.
"We should all be children when it comes to love...open and vulnerable." She paused. "I don't know everything there is to know about Mercedes' past, but I know you have good reason to guard your heart. And good reason to want to choose someone who doesn't inspire such passion, such intensity and such fear. But, Sammy, those feelings mean you love her. And for those who have been hurt as you've been, and as I suspect she been too, true love is a scary prospect. True love is the greatest leap of faith there is."
I ran my hand through my hair. This was all too much and I didn't even know where to start, or what to focus on. I was all twisted up inside...
Angry with Mercedes one minute and wanting her desperately the next...
"I think a good place to start," Alice said as if reading my mind. "Is to talk to your brother and Olivia. And listen to them, not with your hurt, but with your heart." She grasped my hand again... "And bear this in mind; love is not always smooth and easy. Love can be piercing. Love means exposing yourself...all of yourself, every tender part...to being hurt. Because true love is not only the flower, true love is also the thorns."
"Right," I said. "Sharp and painful."
Alice's laugh was a warm tinkling sound, like bells in a cathedral. She squeezed my hand tightly.
"Sharp, yes, piercing yes. But not always painful. It's meant to strip you bare in order to heal. Be brave enough not to fight it. Surrender, my boy. Let go. For just once, have the courage to let go."
She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek and I bent slightly to let her. Then she smiled warmly, turned and left my room.
Love is not always smooth and easy. Was that why I had chosen Olivia once upon a time?
Because my feelings for her were lukewarm?
As soon as I posed the question to myself, I knew in my heart the answer was yes.
Stevie and I had grown up with her. She'd always been a friend...beautiful and sweet...and I'd noticed the way he had looked at her and the way she'd looked back at him, hoping he'd make a move.
Neither one realized the other had feelings for each other. But I knew, and I asked her out anyway, knowing Stevie would step back for me.
Shame filled my heart and I looked down...
I'd wanted her because I'd felt perfectly in control of my feelings where she was concerned. And that sort of calm, that lack of risk, the absence of thorns, was something I craved after the deep hurt I'd experienced growing up...
After the humiliating grasping for love never returned and the loneliness of hoping for joy.
I didn't want to grasp anymore...
I didn't care to hope any longer...
It hurt too much. And so, I chose someone who didn't inspire any of that in me.
Olivia had been too sweet to say no. And somewhere inside, I'd felt a certain satisfaction taking something that I knew rightfully belonged to Stevie.
I'd given all my life, made sure he never suffered the way I'd had to. And I thought I'd deserved to step ahead of him where she had been concerned.
Jesus... He was my brother and I'd betrayed him...even if he didn't know it. And I hadn't even thought of her either...
Would my tepid feelings have ever been enough for her in the long run?
Of course not.
I had been wandering into a permanent state of cold detachment, and it was only Mercedes who had been able to beckon me back with her warmth and exuberance.
Olivia and I would've never made each other happy.
I'd told myself there was never a need to confide my secrets to her because she knew my family dynamics, but the truth was, I hadn't wanted to. I'd never wanted to share all of myself with her. And so I never had.
And if I'd loved her, it had only been as a...friend.
She'd told me she wanted to save herself for marriage, and after all the women I'd already been with by the time we started dating, that had seemed right...
That I should wait for my wife.
But it was more likely, she'd been saving herself for Stevie more so than marriage...whether she'd realized it at the time or not. But now... Thank God I'd never made love to my brother's wife.
Though the things we had done suddenly felt incestuous and one hundred percent unappealing.
I'd gone to prison and Stevie and Olivia had somehow found their way to each other. And all I'd felt was a hollow sense of betrayal.
But mostly, I'd grieved for the loss of one of the few people who had always been in my corner...my little brother.
Since then, I hadn't allowed myself to feel at all. And then came Mercedes who stirred every single emotion within me and forced me to acknowledge the needs I kept guarded inside.
She kept me in such a constant state of anticipation I mostly forgot how to preserve my indifference. And then as soon as I began to build up the cold walls within me again, she melted them with her warmth and vitality.
Every. Time.
Mercedes, who never did anything in half measures...
Mercedes, who had suffered as much or even more than I had.
And suddenly, I felt even smaller, because I saw so clearly that despite the similarities in our stories, and despite the fact that she'd been severely wronged, she had chosen to face the world with hope and optimism, and a kindness close to stunning.
And me?
I had withdrawn and surrounded myself with coldness, focusing only on my own selfish desires.
Unlike my wife, I'd been a coward.
But I longed to be better...
I longed to be worthy of her...
And I wanted her.
Not just her body... Her.
God help me, I wanted her body, yes, but I wanted so much more than that too. I wanted her approval, to hear her thoughts and to know her secrets.
And I wanted to keep telling her mine.
I sat down heavily on my bed...
I loved her...
Beautiful, bewitching Mercedes with her long, wild hair and pretty brown eyes...
Beautiful, bewitching Mercedes, who had brought me back to life...
Beautiful, bewitching Mercedes with her combination of fierce defiance and deep vulnerability.
Beautiful, bewitching Mercedes... My wife.
A small scratching came at my still cracked-open door and Fifty pushed it fully open with her nose, trotting over to me.
She chuffed a very soft sound and instead of lowering that mangled head, she placed it on my knee, staring up at me with her soulful eyes.
I scratched her ear...
"That's a good girl, Fifty," I said, praising her for finding her voice and being brave enough to use it. "When did I fall in love with her?" I asked the dog my wife had gifted me, scratching her other ear.
Fifty offered no answer other than a small satisfied whine.
But, in all truth, when had it happened?
Was it the first time she'd called me a dragon?
Was it those stupid O-named rats?
The first time I'd kissed her?
Watching her playing with those kids at the drop-in center, her hair flying wildly around her face, her open and loving spirit unmistakable, even though she had every right to be miserable after her father's cruelty only the night before?
When had I fallen in love with her and not even realized it?
Oh God, but I did...I loved her. So much. And I wanted her love. I hungered for it. It was an ache deep in my heart. And I was terrified to want like that.
I didn't know how to feel the emotions I was suddenly acknowledging. And I knew even less how to expose them to her rejection.
Surrender, my boy. Let go.
For just once, have the courage to let go.
I put my head in my hands, not knowing if I was able... Not knowing if I could be that brave.
Wow! Like before... What a chapter!
And like before, I just couldn't cut it up.
Hey Kiki, thank you. We are doing well, just a pain in my leg sometimes. I am overworked I guess, but as I've said before, it's all good. Hope you and yours are faring well.
Hey Homies, thank you for your kind words. It is tough balancing all the stuff I do, but doing these stories provide me with relaxation. I am not very outgoing...work, home, supermarket and the beach mostly. So I look forward to doing these stories.
Thanks to all for your lovely words and for being such great fans. Much love to you and yours, always.
Stay safe!