Chapter II: Island Lonely
Island Lonely; where words untold are voiced, dreams unmet are fulfilled, days unlived are played, and stars unseen are wished upon, all dancing their last dance before the winds of forgetfulness take them away and lonely hearts weep thereafter...
A flickering point of light danced behind her half-closed eyelids; a small turquoise dot floating in the rainbow dimness of the hut. Jasmine opened her eyes. It was a firefly within an arm's length reach. The small thing shone entrancingly, with a wavering light she had rarely seen the color of.
Her face brightened after days. Suddenly she felt she was home, in the nest, watching the green fireflies of the forest nights, with nothing to care about in the world. She stretched her hand, as she used to do, to the glowing bug. It landed on her finger momentarily which made her smile. Then it flew over her head and she turned with it.
Little bug, where are you going? It swirled and danced above her. She gave a muted chuckle when at last the firefly left the proximity of her finger. Something beautiful and wonderful she had seen after such a long time of dullness. But then again...
Too late. He was lying wide awake on the other side of the small room, and their eyes had already met before she could avert hers. Then again... the beautiful and wonderful firefly had also turned her to face him.
They stared into each other's eyes, the faint rainbow glow of the nights of Auron lighting the space between their floor mattresses. For a stretched few seconds, she was unable to will her eyes to move, even though her mind was screaming at her to turn around and break that awkwardness. He had held her gaze so tightly it seemed it would pierce her soul and spill out everything that was on her mind. She shuddered at the thought, the spell broke and she shut her eyes immediately. Do not think about it. And do not turn around anymore. Just go to sleep.
Barely speaking a word or two after returning from the Isle of Auron and evading meeting his eyes ever since was making this unwanted eye contact a lot harder to cope with.
But why was he looking at her like that?
She cautiously opened her eyes; there he still was, with eyes on her, lost in thought.
This time she met him squarely, curious, more rational, and less controlled by her emotions. His eyes were... sad? She tried to read his expression in the dark.
What are you thinking about that has made you look like a lost soul?, she burned to know. Is that regret in your eyes? Did I remind you today of how you have betrayed me about Faith? Is that the look of a guilty deceiver?
Despite her assumptions about him, his expression was innocently pitiful, with one hand under his head, looking as pure-hearted as she always remembered him in the quest for the Belt. Jasmine's heart softened a bit for him. He looked like a lost cub with that overgrown hair, the forelocks veiling his eyes and his mane covering his neck, almost reaching his shoulders. He must have been too busy to cut his hair.
Too busy looking for a bride!, she thought bitterly. Too busy choosing royal gems for the perfect Toran queen!
Her brows knitted in a scowl. He frowned back at her, looking hurt. Why are you glowering at me?, his eyes were asking. It made her all the more irritated that he would act like he did not know what he had done whenever they clashed with each other, whether it be with words or just silent glances. She rolled her eyes in return. Oh, please Lief! We both know why I am glowering at you, spare me your theatrics! And his frown got deeper.
Nights were tough, although not that night had any meaning in the world below the world. But whenever they were resting and her mind was free, heavy clouds would darken her mind again: thoughts of two girls, Faith and Lief's Toran bride-to-be.
She thought of her little sister, Faith. To have a sister... She still had not come to terms with how that would feel like. Someone who shared many qualities with her, a little girl who had the same parents. And a little girl I love and care for, like Filli, like Kree. A friend who is closer than a friend. I could teach her how to swing on a tree, show her where I used to live with our parents. Then we could go further and I could show her the rest of Deltora, the homeland she has never seen. Then she would remember her horrified but brave face, and worry for her safety. She knew they needed to rest, they all needed to rest if they were to safely rescue the slaves. Yet she could not help but fret over the seconds that passed by while they slept, seconds that perhaps defined the life and death of a Deltorans, Faith included.
They could not do anything about it, not until they found the last piece of the Pirran pipe. And to that end, they needed to paddle a long way to the Island of Keras. They needed their strengths.
Hold on a bit more, Faith!
Lief's eyes were still upon her, though he had also curled his other hand under his head and he no longer frowned.
What is wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like a devasted moonstruck?, she wanted to ask, but then perhaps he was not even looking at her anymore. Perhaps she was only a part of the distant horizon for him, where he would get lost in his own secretive kingly thoughts.
Or are you thinking about her?
She felt her heart clench, as it did whenever thoughts of the Toran girl popped up in her mind. Like Faith, she had tried to avoid thinking about her. But she could keep the flowing river only so far; soon it could no longer be held back and it flooded her head.
Do you even love her?, she would always ask in an imaginary conversation with him, exasperated. How could one come to love someone else in such a short time! You went to Tora, met her for the first time, talked to her and brought her to Del in—what? A day?!
She would plummet in her dejectedness afterward. But I guess I am not the one to understand these things. What would a wild girl, having lived all her life in the forests, know of human relationships? Maybe people can live together without love, even have babies, which is your top priority. Yet how could you, Lief? How could you have changed so much in just a few months? How could you have become so... calculating? So emotionless?
But the boy before her was anything but emotionless. The sorrow, that feeling of longing so clear on his face even in the dark was not how a cold-hearted calculating king looked like.
Then it meant he really did like her! What if he had visited her more than once? It could be well justified considering the fact that Jasmine had seen Lief for a total of no more than a week's time in the past few months, with him suddenly slipping away and vanishing for days. Besides, the Toran magic would have sped his travels, according to Sharn, so he could easily have secret meetings with his future bride, spend time with her, get to know her.
And why would he do these things in secret? Is he too much of a coward to let us know of his plans for his life?, an angry part of her would ask; a part that wanted nothing but to reject this Toran girl's presence by all means; a part that felt suffocated knowing that after everything they had been through, he had a life she was no part of and knew nothing of. Now she completely understood why he had kept her a secret. Because it would be dangerous for her status to be publicly known when Lief's own life is threatened frequently. In the future when he has maintained their safety, of course, she would not remain in the dark. However, for now, it is most important to keep her safe, because... because he loves her.
For the first time she faced the demon that had been lurking in the dark corners of her heart for quite a while now. It is not just duty, but also love. Just as Jinks said it would be, just as Adin had married hundreds of years ago and just as the monarchs after him had done. Lief has feelings for her and she for him too, probably; and what am I? Only a fool, a wild nuisance that prevented this vital marriage!
Again, guilt pierced her heart, as it always did when she thought of the consequences of her escape. And here Lief was, troubled by having left his bride-to-be alone. You should have stayed with her! I have every reason to be on this journey, but you apparently do not. Why did you even care where I went when you did not even listen to a word I said?
But he did care. And he did come after her and he did stay with her to rescue the Deltorans, which made her doubly confused. She tried to see through his dark eyes. Who are you, Lief? The brave spirited boy I traveled the land with or the discreet ghost king? Which one is looking me in the eyes right now? The boy I remember, the one who easily laughed, showed his sorrow, the boy who cared as much as to bring back the one memory I had from my father while he could just leave it be, the boy who would not despair when we were drowning in the maze of the beast and would hold my hand to give me courage?
She closed her eyes as the soothing memories touched her sore heart; memories of when everything was easy between him and her. But— but you still care. You still care if I drown in the water. As she also still cared if he was safe or not. Perhaps for both of them, it was a habit of old times, or maybe because they were simply friends; just friends who cared for one another. Maybe he cared for her safety that he kept the news of Faith from her, not because he did not want her to know. It did make sense. And it was closer to the Lief she remembered, hence a more probable scenario.
Opening her eyes once more, she saw that this time, the boy was asleep. His knees were bent towards his chest, his back curled. He looked as lonely as the moon in the sky; a moon with a shining belt. She tried to remember, as she had many times before, that becoming the king was probably a great shock for the boy. Maybe I have judged you harshly. Maybe you still are my friend, Lief, but you are confused. And in time, when you have adjusted your past life with your present, when you have accepted that things concerning me in my life are not yours to control, perhaps we can go back to how we used to be with each other.
If things went well and they successfully saved Faith and the others, then they could start anew. Yet this made her feel strangely subdued, instead of relieved. When we return to Del, you will marry your Toran bride, a graceful lettered queen befitting to rule wisely beside you. And I will take care of my sister. Doom, Faith and I — we could be a family again. I know that someday I will come to forgive you for keeping Faith a secret from me. When that day comes, we will all be a big family again; Faith and I will travel the world while you and your queen wait for your unborn child. And I...
One of her eyelashes felt heavy; a teardrop was hanging from it. Perhaps it was bearing the weight of the hopes in her heart that never got to be acknowledged, flickering dreams of an imaginary future that revolved around a lively wholehearted boy and her, traveling the land as they used to, fighting side by side, laughing and loving each other. Of course, that boy was now… this king! And she… well, she could never be a queen. That by itself was enough to put out the struggling flame of her dream and leave it smoking for the rest of her life.
I will keep the memories of you, that I hold dear, safe inside my heart. You will never know anymore, but, Lief, you were special to me; and for all I know, you will have this special place in my heart forever, whether I like it or not.
The teardrop splashed on her cheek and ran down to her ear, to the back of her neck and stained her mattress as she said goodbye to the idea of a life where she and Lief held hands forever.