A/N: Hello! This is my first attempt at a LO:SVU fic. I usually write for Power Rangers but I thought I'd give this a try after last week's crossover episodes. Please let me know what you think when you R&R.

Thanks!

The Letter
SVU/OC One-Shot

The lightbulb next to my head seemed to buzz with the electricity that was running through it. It rang through my ears, humming into my skull it seemed. I chalked it up to the small case of tinnitus I had, thanks to the years of gun shots I'd witnessed during my time on the force. Granted, I was still fighting the good fight but it was much less active here in Rome. Special forces had it's kicks, landing me the chance to come to Europe and battle the bad guys here, mostly behind a desk with my task force. It was more 9 to 5 than I've ever been used to but it seemed to be the best move to make at the time.

Sighing, I clenched the pen in my hand and stared down at the blank stationary that was in front of me. It was an off white color, accents in the corner that resembled more of an ink splatter to me than something decorative. Who the hell buys this shit? I didn't see penpalling and letter writing as an aspiring hobby of mine. It had been my wife, Kathy, who had purchased it from one of the shops while she was shopping a few weeks ago. It had been her idea to have me sit here and write this letter. "It will be better for you both. To help air everything out before you see each other." She had said to me when she handed the pad to me. But as I looked down at the blank paper, I couldn't help to think that she hadn't been right. I've had four weeks to write this damn thing and yet, every time I sit to do it, the words in my mind just disappear.

I even tried writing it at work, thinking that being in the makeshift squad room would allow me the chance to recall the twelve years I had spent in the NYPD Special Victims Unit. SVU had been it's one special task force at first, made up to handle the surplus of rape cases and sex crimes that the department was receiving. When the cases and the need grew, the task force became its own unit. I landed there after serving my time as a beat cop, hoping to expand my career. I wouldn't have called it my dream job at first. The idea of dealing with rapists and abusers all day wasn't exactly my calling but it grew on me. It was the notion that I was taking some sick individuals off the streets and allowing those victims to be able to move forward through their trauma. SVU became my home and I dove my entire self almost into doing the job. With that job came my own work family as well, including Captain Cragen, Fin, Munch, Cassidy, and numerous other detectives and district attorneys who made SVU a step on the ladders of their careers.

And then there was Liv.

There was no easy way to describe what Olivia Benson meant to me. She had been my partner, her first gig after doing her duty as a street cop. I hadn't been too sure about her making it in our unit. Her heart was with the victims but her past sometimes clouded her judgement when it came to justice. I was the senior detective and it was my job as her partner to show her the ropes and how to control those judgements. I never blamed her though. Her mother had been raped, Liv being the product of the crime. This led to a lifetime of drinking by her mother that ultimately led to her death. All of those things really paid a toll on Liv but she grew strong as a detective. Her connection with victims and those affected by the crimes we were dealing with everyday made the ultimate difference in recovery for them. Together, we took down more criminals and low lives than any other duo in the squadroom, earning awards and accolades from our work. We've helped countless victims, answered questions of mourning families, and brought closure to those seeking it. It had just been a job until Liv came along, making me want to come to work every day and make the world a better place. We were best friends. There were days when I saw more of her than my own wife and children, something that was not lost on Kathy. She used to joke and say that Liv was my work wife. Liv had even been the one to save Kathy from a car accident that resulted in the slightly early birth of our youngest son, Eli. She had been the one who stayed with Kathy the whole time while I was on a case. Liv stayed by Kathy right until I showed up at the hospital. She was the one person I knew I could trust with my entire life, something I had done from time to time.

So why on earth was it so hard to put all of that on paper?

"Cause it's not everything." I muttered to myself under my breath as I leaned back in the chair. It groaned from my weight as I tossed the pen down.

It was true. It wasn't everything. But right now, it was all I could bring myself to mentally admit to. Growing up, it had been drilled into me that living life according to the Catholic faith meant following those sacred rules written in stone and in the bible. I might not always follow the ones regarding how you treat your neighbor or those who have done you wrong. I can be a hot head and I've punched more than my fair share of perps in my life. There's just one thing you don't turn your back on though and those are those vows that you made before God when you stand at the altar on your wedding day. It's a promise that you not only make to your wife but also to God, promising to be devoted and faithful to this person you are giving yourself to for the rest of your life. There's not much I believe in that my Old Man taught me but fearing God is something that's been instilled with me since I was a kid. God has blessed me with my children and the life I've lived. I couldn't break a vow I made to him, even if it meant lying to myself for twenty years.

"El?" A voice called behind me, followed by the sounds of footsteps walking up the hallway. I turned, seeing my petite blonde wife, Kathy, walking into the room. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, a sweatshirt on her frame and a pair of black leggings. In her arms, she was carrying a white laundry basket filled with laundry. "I thought I told you to bring this upstairs with you."

"You did. I forgot. I'm sorry." I said. Walking into the room, she set the basket on the bed.

"Eli didn't grab his either. Good thing I'm living with two deaf Stablers." She said, rolling her eyes. "Are you all finished packing? I want to get the suitcases together downstairs so that the driver can carry them out."

"Yeah. It's right by the door." I said, nodding towards my suitcase. The black bag was sitting in the corner by the dresser, my coat draped over it. "I'll bring it down with Eli's in a bit once I finish this up."

"Thank you." She said, walking over to me. She put her hands on my shoulders as she stood behind the chair. "Aren't you supposed to not be doing work?"

"It's not work." I replied. She leaned forward, trying to see what I was working on.

"'Dear Liv?" She asked, sounding confused. "You still haven't finished the letter?"

"Not exactly." I said.

"Not exactly? El, you only have two words written. You've had all month to do this and you are waiting until the night before we leave? I sure hope your speech is at least written." She said, putting her hands on her hips. I nodded.

"It is. That was the easy part. Liv has such a long and successful career that I just had to talk about those things for a few minutes. I hate public speaking."

"You do?" She questioned. "I always figured it was something that just came easily to you." I shook my head, sighing again.

"No. I always let Cragen deal with that part of the job." I wrapped my fingers on the desk. "I don't know. Maybe a letter isn't the right way to handle this. I can just talk to her when I see her."

"Elliot, you know what Doctor Soprano said in our therapy sessions. Writing out our emotions makes things easier. Remember when we had to write those letters to each other when we first started going? I think it helped you a great deal in being able to open up to me. Communication really isn't your forte."

No. Not with you it isn't, Kathy, I thought. I've never been able to fully open up to Kathy. It was like I had to keep things in my life that pertain to certain things away from her. I wasn't sure if it was because she was never going to fully understand it or if I was afraid she would judge me for them. It was just easier that way. Especially when it came to the shield. It was easier to keep the details of a serial rapist or a mother who purposely kills their children from Kathy than it was to come home and have to explain my day to her. Unless you were there, there was no way to explain it without leaving those mental scars on a person that can never be erased. It's something I knew I could trust Liv with. She had always been right beside me through all of it. She knew what we were going through. She always said it was the main reason I was the only male relationship she'd ever been able to maintain. And frankly, I liked it that way. It's what built our connection stronger. It's why we were good cops. Great partners.

"I don't know what to write." I said, picking up the pen. "Each time I start, it comes out wrong."

"I can help." Kathy said, smiling at me.

"I don't know, Kathy…" I said, trailing off. "It's supposed to be from me."

"It will be! I'll just give you some help starting and making sure you say everything you want to." She sat on the edge of the bed, crossing her arms. "Unless you don't want me to know what you are going to say to Olivia."

"It's not like that, Kathy." I said, turning the chair slightly to look at her. She narrowed her eyes towards me.

"Oh no? Elliot, who are we even trying to kid? You are having such a hard time writing this letter because you feel so guilty about leaving her behind it. It doesn't matter that it was to help our family be better. Or that you wanted to work on our marriage. It's all only been about Olivia. The $12,000 we spent on couples therapy told me everything I've known since the day she started on the squad. You guys lived in this twisted fantasy land where you were the couple while your family was the outsiders!" She exclaimed. I shook my head.

"You know that isn't the truth!" I yelled back. "I gave up the squad. I gave up my career. All to be with you and the kids. What else could I have done? I haven't spoken to Olivia in over ten years. Don't you think if something like that was going on, I would have stayed in contact then?"

"Am I really supposed to believe that you haven't had any communication with Liv since you left? Not an email or a text message? I find that so hard to believe since you were always running off in the middle of the night to meet up with her, regardless of what was going on."

"That was my job! I couldn't predict when someone was going to be raped or killed. I had to go when the calls came and Liv was my partner." It was the same argument we had day after day back when I was on the unit. It had gotten to the point where divorce was happening. I had even signed the papers. A part of me still believed it would have happened if Eli hadn't come around when he did. That sense of responsibility brought us back together, regardless of the rift between us. Kathy has never been able to see that Liv wasn't the other woman. Nothing had ever occurred between the two of us that brought us to a point where we crossed that line. We've never even toed it. Liv and I, our relationship was the closest that a man and a woman would be without being intimate. It had been tested a few times, once leaving us facing the option of seeking new partners. We came back together though, growing stronger when we did.

Leaving hadn't been my idea. In fact, it had been the farthest thing on my mind at that point in my career. I had at one point had hopes of becoming Captain, taking over for Cragen when he decided to retire. That all changed when I was forced to take down a teenage girl in our squad room. It had been a clean shot, saving the lives of dozens of people. Though it did rattle me, I didn't expect it to be the case that made me leave. I planned on talking to 1 PP about it, telling them the details for their investigation. It was standard procedure in each shooting by a cop, especially when there's a casualty. I was mandated to take some time off while they did their investigation. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was during those weeks off though that something between Kathy and I changed. It became very clear that she wanted me to step down from SVU. She had suggested being a security guard or going back to work the street gig again. At first, I thought she was worried about the shooting and the effect on me. But then I saw that she was looking for me to have an out. She told me about how she wanted me to be home more and that she was tired of our kids not having their father there for their activities. Finally, she slapped me with that ultimatum: her and the kids or Liv and the job.

I didn't want to go. I asked Kathy to reconsider. I offered to drop down to part-time. Nothing I suggested pleased her. She told me if I couldn't leave then her and the kids couldn't stay. And I knew that there would be no new baby to save us that time. So, I made the choice to leave. In doing so, I knew I needed to cut ties with Olivia too. It hadn't been my plan to just cut myself out of her life completely forever. I thought I would just give her a few weeks to adjust to me being gone. I couldn't even stomach the idea of telling her I was leaving. I had been dodging her calls for days, knowing that if I spoke to her, she would change my mind in a heartbeat. I needed space from her to make sure I followed through on my decision. Once the paperwork was cleared and I was a free man though, the shame and guilt wouldn't allow me to pick up the phone. And, just like that, I disappeared. Liv had called me, leaving some messages. I had them saved on my phone for a few years until Kathy stumbled upon them and forced me to delete them.

"You need to tell her the truth." Kathy said, trying to calm herself down. "Tell her how you both let the job get in the way of your lives. If you want to entertain the idea of moving back to New York, you need to set the record straight with her and this is the perfect chance to do so. I am not going back to living the life we were before, fighting for your attention from Olivia." Kathy stood up and walked over to the desk. Grabbing the pen, she held it out to me. I stared at it for a minute, hesitating. Slowly, I reached up and took it from her. "I'm sorry but this is the way it has to be if you want her in our lives. Olivia is a wonderful person but I'm not spending the rest of my life competing with her. This way, everyone can be happy."

Oh, I'm fucking sure I won't be.

Nodding, I turned back to the desk and the paper. Kathy leaned in, watching my every move like a hawk.

Dear Olivia,

I am so proud of you for winning this award and reaching such high achievement in your career. There is no person on this Earth more deserving of this honor and I am glad I could be here with you today to celebrate it. I've seen you grow into such a strong and resilient advocate for victims that it's hard to believe that I was the one teaching you at some point. It's crazy to think that a career that started so long ago has made such a powerful impact on the lives of countless people.

I stopped, the pen hovering over the paper as I reread what I had written. That had all been true and the general idea I had of starting it when I would write it in my head. But as I thought about what to write next, my chest tightened.

"Elliot…" Kathy said, her voice holding a warning. "Tell her that what you had between you wasn't real."

But it was real. At least, it was to me.

I know when I left, I made things difficult not only for the department but for you. I should've given you a heads up that it was coming but I didn't know how to tell you the reasons behind me leaving without causing you to blame yourself. I knew if I didn't leave that I would never be able to live the life that I had promised my children and myself. The life I was living honestly felt as if I had been living a double life. The first being one that revolved around my family and the other that revolved around the job and you. I allowed myself to believe that the latter was more important and that there was something between us that wasn't there. What we were believing was between us wasn't real, Liv. And I blame myself for letting this fantasy go on for as long as it did then. We were partners. Great partners and I am proud of the work we did together. But we got in the way of each other being who and where we needed to be. That's why I had to leave.

I felt like there was a heavy weight on my chest that was growing heavier with each word. I knew it was all a lie. I wouldn't be able to give this to Olivia without feeling guilty about it. Perhaps though, I was lucky enough that she had moved on with her life and that this would all be a forgotten object. She'd just toss it in a drawer and never think about it again. Fin hadn't told me much about Liv when we had spoken about the award ceremony other than that she was Captain Benson now. He didn't mention another guy or a family. She was beautiful though. I couldn't imagine her not finding anyone to fall in love with.

"I would just tell her that you want her to be happy. I think it would be the best way to end it. Say you want her to be with a guy that she deserves. Someone who is good to her." Kathy said, rubbing my back. I tightened my grip on my pen. The idea of Liv with anyone made my skin crawl.

I hope this can be a new chapter in our friendship. I am excited to see where life has taken you in both your career and home. I can't wait to see the new changes you've brought to the squad and how you are managing to change lives. And if there's a man in my life, I hope he's the kind, faithful, devoted man that you deserve. You deserve to live the happiest life and I pray that you are.

Sighing, I sat back in the chair again. Kathy leaned forward, reading the letter. She nodded, turning to smile at me. "You did a good thing, Elliot. Olivia is going to be thrilled to have you back in her life again and you made the boundaries very clear. Who knows? Maybe Liv has a man in her life and we will be able to go on some double dates when we get settled in." She gave me another smile, kissing the top of my head. "I know it wasn't easy but it's what was best. Us and the kids should always be your first priority over everything."

"I know." I said, nodding. I grabbed an envelope and folded the letter up, putting it in.

"I'm going to go down and make sure Eli has everything he needs for our flight tomorrow. Are you hungry? I can make you something."

"I'll be fine. I'm going to tie up some loose ends here before we leave. I'll be down in a few." She nodded, heading towards the door. She paused there for a moment, looking over her shoulder at me.

"I think this will be a good change for everyone. There won't be any more secrets or insecurities between anyone anymore. I think you'll be much happier now."

"Me too." She turned, walking out of the room. I gazed down at the envelope in my hand, wanting to rip it into tiny pieces or to burn it into ashes. I glanced at the doorway again, making sure Kathy was gone. Pulling the paper from the envelope, I set it back on the desktop. Grabbing the pen, I scribbled on the bottom of it.

In a parallel universe, it'll always be you and I.

El

I folded it back up and shoved it back into the envelope. Licking the glue parts, I sealed it and made sure that there was no way it could be opened without me knowing. Walking over, I unzipped my suitcase and tucked it between my suit jacket and slacks that I'd be wearing for the award dinner.

If I couldn't be with Liv, there was no reason that she couldn't know the truth. If Olivia had come first, there would have been no contest. Simply because there would be a clear winner.

Because it would always be her and me.