Bucky wondered just why he loved his boyfriends sometimes. They were the most stubborn dumbasses, probably in the whole world, but something about them made him love them. Dumb. But loved. Said dumbasses were preparing for battle. A most ridiculous battle that Bucky had set up in hopes they would see how stupid and quite frankly how blind they were being. The issue was that Sam and Steve were fighting over whose turn it was to take spend the night with Bucky. Bucky had tried to remind both of them that they were in a poly relationship and they could all spend time together if they wanted, but it seemed both had made some kind of plan, intending to surprise Bucky as his birthday neared. Honestly if he had one critique of his boyfriends it was how terrible they were at communicating with each other and anyone.
The two were stood back-to-back in Sarah Wilson's expansive yard, looking like fools. They were supposed to be on a trip together to see Sam's family. Seemingly unable to come to a compromise, Sam's nephews had heard about their disagreement and suggested they "settle it like men," with a duel. Sarah had put a stop to and forbidden any talk of using pistols for their duel, even the boys' water pistols. Steve had argued that Sam was fluent in more weapons than he was and so they should use weapons neither of them had used before.
Bucky decided if they were going to behave stupid then he was going to put them through one stupid duel. As stupid as he could make it. There would be themes and rules and the most ridiculous rules he could come up with. He'd reasoned that if they were fighting over him, he should get to decide how the battle was won and foolishly, they had agreed.
"To review the rules," Bucky spoke from the porch steps, "on my count you will take ten paces away from one and other. At your table you will find a party hat, put it on. In the boxes, you will find your weapons as chosen by me," he explained. "You will use these weapons to score points and win rounds. The rest of the rules will be explained after you take out your weapons." Bucky signalled them to begin walking. "One… Two… Three…" Bucky continued counting. As they reached the tables Bucky reminded them to put on their party hats. "On the count of three, you may open your box with your weapon in."
"One."
Bucky briefly remembered going out and picking the 'weapons' for the duel. He wanted them to look ridiculous. That was the overall goal. Make them look so foolish, they would quit their stupid duel, and all go out together. So he'd done a quick google search and found a sex shop just outside of Delacroix with a very interesting website.
"Two."
Bucky had never felt shy about sex. He was very comfortable with his sexuality and sex in general. The shop was fantastic. And the assistant he'd spoken to was amazing, helpful and had some fantastic insights for his predicament.
"Three."
Both Sam and Steve tore the lids off of their boxes and Bucky watched both of them intently for their reactions. But the embarrassed laughter never came. Instead, the two of them eyed their weapon and picked them up to methodically check them over. Which was how Sam and Steve ended up facing each other holding two of the most flamboyant and out-there dildos Bucky had been able to get his hands on. Bucky was glad he'd gone all out if only to make the two of them look more stupid.
Steve was armed with a clear silicone tentacle, detailed with veins and suction cups. It was flexible and the clear silicone was tinted all the colours of the rainbow and inlaid with flecks of glitter. He would later discover the vibration feature it had too. The dildo had a flared base with a suction cup to attach it to any desired surface. The cherry on top, almost literally, was the faux piercing in the top of the tentacle.
Sam on the other hand, was armed with a large, rigid, silicone dildo, 11 inches of insertable length with large balls at the base, which also had a suction cup. Sam's dildo was not clear, but it was also rainbow with an outer clear layer to protect the shiny and glittered pattern. It was veiny and had a three-inch circumference. The final touch was another faux piercing, which dangled a small bell from the balls, and jingled when Sam moved it.
The men turned their dildos over in their hands and shook them to see how they felt in their hands. Bucky frowned; this was not the plan. Very well, he decided, onto phase two.
"Gentlemen please pay attention to the remaining rules," Bucky called, capturing their attention. "The competition will be the best of three rounds. A round is won by using your weapon to knock off your opponent's hat. Your mouths must remain open, unless speaking. All speaking and trash talking must be done in the manner of a pirate. You will get extra points if you can put your weapon into your adversaries' mouth. The rounds will be themed, in a different style of combat, and the theme must be adhered to." Bucky raised his phone to his lips, "Siri, pick a number 1 through 3."
"The number is three."
Bucky picked up one of his three envelopes with his themes in them. "Your first theme," he paused to open it, "is fencing." This was something both men had done at some point and therefore knew the rules of. "Take your first position," Sam and Steve positioned themselves. "Fight."
Bucky watched them from the porch. If he wasn't so annoyed that they were going along with his stupid rules he would laugh at the absurdity of it all. Steve was one for trash talk, but per the rules he was trying to keep his mouth open and speak in pirate words and Sam jingled with every step he took. Their first round – somehow – lasted almost forty minutes before Steve knocked Sam's party had off of his head.
They had a quick drink break before coming back to Bucky for their next theme. Sam had a determined look in his eyes. The next theme was Pirates of the Caribbean. For this theme, Bucky had set up obstacles around the garden which they had to navigate while battling like characters from the popular movies. Sam was smirking and Bucky knew why, Sam as a teenager had spent a Summer at theatre camp, a secret only Bucky and Sarah knew as Steve had been on a mission when the revelation had come to light. To go with this round, Bucky brought a speaker out onto the porch to play the theme music.
Steve scored extra points because he got an inch of the tentacle in Sam's mouth, but Sam overall won the round. They had a break to clear the garden of the obstacles and have a drink.
"Come on then, what's the final theme?" Sam asked, turning his dildo over in his hands.
"Yeah, come on Buck, tell us so we can break this tie."
Bucky stared in disbelief. He should have known their competitive sides would take over.
"You really wanna know? Fine, here's your final theme. And you must make the appropriate noises." He said holding out the final envelope to them.
Sarah Wilson had tried to ignore the antics of her brother and his boyfriends but finally her curiosity had gotten the better of her. She had wondered why Bucky had insisted the boys go to a friend's house but as she stepped out of the house the reason became partially clear. Of all the things she expected, her brother and Steve Rogers swinging what appeared to be sex toys at each other while making lightsabre noises was not it. Not even close.
Not for the first time, Sarah was glad there weren't any close neighbours to see this.
Bucky was leaning over the railing on the porch looking like he was regretting some decisions. Sarah didn't blame him, they looked dumb. She walked over and leaned next to him, nudging him to make her presence known. "Are they doing what I think they're doing?" She asked, nodding to Sam and Steve.
"That depends, what do you think they're doing?"
"Swinging dildos at each other while making lightsabre noises."
"Then yes, they are doing what you think they're doing," Bucky replied.
"Any particular reason?"
"Well you banned fire arms, real, water or nerf, so they had to fight with something," he reasoned. "Steve's only really good at fighting with he shield, Sam is good with lots of things Steve isn't. So we have to get creative and find something they were both unfamiliar with."
"I mean, fair, and that makes sense. I hate that it makes sense, but it does. One more question: Why?"
"They're arguing over whose turn it was to take me out for my birthday tomorrow night."
Sarah rolled her eyes. "I thought you boys were in a polyamorous relationship."
"We are," Bucky confirmed.
"Dummies."
"Right?" Bucky said. "It's almost like they've forgotten they're both allowed to take me out."
"Sorry, more questions, why the noises?"
"Oh, it's the theme of the round. They're at one round each, first round Steve won, they had to fight with them like they were fencing. Round two was Pirates of the Caribbean."
"That explains the music," Sarah said, watching as Sam and Steve did some acrobatics around each other.
"And this one is Jedi."
"And the dildos?"
"I was trying to make them realise how silly of an argument it was. I forgot how dumb and stubborn they both are."
"Yeah, that one's on you," Sarah chuckled.
"Yeah, yeah, I know." He sighed. "This is so stupid; is it so wrong for me to just want a nice chill day together for my birthday?"
"Well if they're still being dumb we'll stick them on babysitting duty and I'll take you out and treat you for your birthday."
"You are the best. You want a beer?"
"To watch this? I think I need one," Sarah smirked.
Bucky reached into he cooler beside him and got Sarah a beer, opening it with his teeth and ignoring her protests that it would ruin his teeth.
"Super-soldier," he reminded her.
"You may be a super soldier, but you still have dental bills," she muttered turning her attention back to the fight. Sam looked to be winning, he'd scored two sets of extra points for the mouth loophole, but his hat was teetering dangerously on the edge of his head and per the rules, he may not reset it. "How long do you think they're gonna keep going?"
"Until I get bored and stop them."
"You're not bored?"
"Oh I'm bored, the novelty ran out when they took this way too seriously."
"You gonna stop them?"
"Nope, I'm curious to see who will win." Bucky explained getting himself another beer.
It took Bucky a whole ten minutes before he could resist intervening and putting an end to the ridiculous situation. Also, Cass and AJ had called Sarah asking her to come and get them and they did not need to see any of this. He marched across the yard and stood between Sam and Steve putting an end to the battle. "You guys are so dumb," he groused.
"Huh?"
"What?"
They asked, both sounding out of breath.
"We're all together, you don't have to fight over who gets to treat me for my birthday. The three of us could do something. Did that ever cross either of your tiny brains?" From the looks on their faces, Bucky was willing to bet good money that no, they hadn't considered it as an option. Sam and Steve mumbled apologies to Bucky for being ridiculous and he told them he already forgave them. "OK, go put those up in our room before the boys get home."
"We're keeping these?" Steve asked.
"Oh yeah, while you guys tried to make solo plans, like dummies, I was planning for the three of us. See, I'm gonna tease and edge Sam to within an inch of his non-serum life with this bad boy," he said, flicking the bell, "while you Steve, work me open with this guy and then add your own cock in alongside it."
"You want me to double team you with a tentacle?" Steve raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, ever since I bought that thing, believe me, I cannot wait," he said looking between his boyfriends and their toys. "Now, both of you, go pack an overnight bag."
"We aren't staying here?" Sam asked.
"No Sam, you are loud as hell and I won't be your sister's favourite anymore if I let you scar your nephews for life."
Sam raised the dildo as if he was about to argue before responding: "You know what, fair," Sam conceded.
"Hey, I thought I was Sarah's favourite?" Steve asked.
"After today? Not even close, for either of you," Bucky informed them taking the dildos and starting to stride confidently back towards the house, Steve and Sam following him in a slow jog to catch up.