OPENING SEQUENCE
(The screen glitches and shows random numbers- and some encryptions- until a voice speaks. One of the encryptions translates to "Did You Miss Me?" while the other reads "Discord Rules, Celestia Drools")
B: Is this thing on?
W: Just give me a second...There!
(The screen goes back to normal)
W: Sorry about that, folks. We appear to be having some technical difficulties, but we'll still pull through.
(Death Battle Intro plays)
W: Chaos. The Unknown. And Total Unpredictability.
B: They make all kinds of crazy shit happen, like turn one thing into another and even alter themselves and the environment! And these two are like the king of that!
W: Bill Cipher, the one-eyed weirdness of Gravity Falls.
B: And Discord, Equestria's main man- or whatever he is- of mayhem. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
(The screen then cuts to black again as the camera stops recording)
B: Damn it!
FIGHTER 1: BILL CIPHER
W: Gravity Falls. A town swarming with mystery, the paranormal, and above all, weirdness. Questions surround this town, with the most important one being: Why is this town so weird?
B: The answer? Simple. Other universes! Namely, this one that's slowly leaking into our world bit by bit, and it's called the Nightmare Realm. Not ominous at all.
W: It is this surreal reality that transformed a sleepy town into a magnet for all things bizarre, and the ruler of this realm is none other than an interdimensional entity named Bill.
B: Bill? That's his name? C'mon, Wiz! He's a triangle dude with a top hat! Why can't he have a name like Triangulon or Pyramidus?
W: Well, Bill Cipher is known by another name, but it is so hideous and terrifying that the mere mention of it would "evaporate one with an expression of horror and ecstasy on their face".
B: Ooh. Freaky.
W: Trillions of years ago, as a being originating from the second dimension, Bill despised his home, calling it a dimension of flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.
B: That sounds about right.
W: When he had had enough, Bill destroyed that reality and took up residence in the Nightmare Realm. After forming alliances with other eldritch creatures and monstrosities, Bill claimed dominion over the chaotic dimension. But there was just one problem.
B: That place was so very, VERY wrong, with no laws or physics of any kind, it was doomed to end itself. Just like a depressed person. So Bill needed to relocate. And lucky him, because he found a prophecy that said he would merge the Nightmare Realm… with our realm. Okay, who'd want to live in a messed-up place like that?
W: To accomplish his goal of spreading chaos and madness across existence, Bill started appearing in the dreams of humans living in what would become Gravity Falls and began convincing them to build a gateway to the Nightmare Realm. His first attempt notably failed, resulting in a shaman burning himself alive and the native townsfolk running for the hills. But thousands of years later, Bill would come into contact with a useful pawn in his game: Stanford Filbrick Pines.
B: Being the deceitful shape he was, Bill fibbed to Ford, telling him that he was a muse that chose one genius a century to inspire. And he could even tell the truth about why Gravity Falls was so fucked up. Needless to say, his plan worked and Ford completely fell for it. He built that portal to the Nightmare Realm, eager to explore other dimensions.
W: Until Ford learned of Bill's true intentions, causing him to abandon his research and hide everything, fearing that someone would come and finish Bill's work. And that someone did come… in the form of a snobby little brat named Gideon.
B: Gideon needed Three-Sides here to snoop around in an old guy's mind and find a code for a safe. Long story short, he was beaten by these kids and was impressed by them, saying he'd keep an eye on them.
W: Bill grew intrigued with Dipper and Mabel Pines, even possessing Dipper's body after swindling him. But when his old "pal" Ford returned after a journey through the multiverse, Bill's attention turned to an interdimensional rift that had formed when the portal Ford had built became too unstable. He managed to get his hands on the rift, destroyed it, and fulfilled the prophecy one billion years in the making.
B: Bill literally unleashed hell in what he called "Weirdmageddon". Things came to life, people were frozen and stacked into a throne, existence got upside-down, time was on the wonk, and meaning had no meaning. Except…
W: Because of a barrier formed by the weirdness around Gravity Falls, Bill was trapped. His chaos could not leave the town unless the barrier was broken. So he needed to do whatever it took to shatter it. But just like before, Bill was thwarted. Not by an ancient zodiac that had the power to banish him, though, but…
(We cut to Wiz and Boomstick)
B: A clever case of the switcheroo and wiping a mind with Bill inside. Ha! Take that, you geometrical cyclops wannabe! And with him now literally forgotten, Gravity Falls and the world are completely safe from Bill's-
(The feed on the TV screen suddenly glitches and pauses. Suddenly, it starts to play in reverse, backtracking through Bill's death sequence.)
Bill (on screen): A-X-O-L-O-T-L! My time has come to burn! I invoke the ancient power that I may return!
(The screen resumes to normal)
B: Whoa. You didn't tell me that thing has a rewind button.
W (with a nervous look on his face): Uh… it… doesn't.
B: Huh? Then what-?
W: I-It's nothing! Don't worry about it! Moving on, as a being from another dimension, Bill possesses a wide variety of skills. He can enter people's minds and transport their souls into a realm called the Mindscape, where he has total control over. He can also possess a victim, although the physical weaknesses of that person will also affect him, such as fatigue and exhaustion.
B: Bill can also do some… uh, weird stuff. He can make multiple arms, shoot lasers, change appearances of people and places, and he is completely all-knowing. And guess what? That's not even scratching the surface!
W: When Bill gains a physical form and enters the third dimension, he is at his most powerful. He can control space, time, matter, and even reality itself! He's burned all three journals, destroyed the Shacktron, trapped Mabel in a prison that pulled her into a false sense of security, and turned Gravity Falls into an apocalyptic wasteland of strangeness.
B: But just because he's all-powerful doesn't mean he's, y'know, invincible. Like we said before, he can be physically hurt and worn out when he possesses someone. But before he can do all his crazy stuff, he has to be summoned first. And most of his powers can only be done in the Mindscape, and he can't copy-paste them into his host body and affect the physical world with them.
W: And he cannot possess beings with low intelligence, such as gnomes. But Bill can't do any of this without one thing: a deal. He can only access minds and bodies through a contract, which includes agreeing to certain terms and shaking his hand. However, Bill knows this, making him twist and manipulate these contracts to his benefit.
B: Wait… that sounds awfully familiar. I got this deal for a year's supply of beer from this shady dude and I haven't been sleeping right since. But I think… it's… (he yawns and gets drowsy) ...probably… nothing…
W: Uh, Boomstick? (Boomstick is asleep) Earth to Boomstick!
(Boomstick starts giggling and stands upright with eyes closed. Wiz leans in, about to ask what's wrong… when Boomstick's eyes shoot open. They are glowing yellow and his pupils are slit. Maniacal laughter erupts from his mouth and a voice that is not his own speaks.)
Bill Cipher: SURPRIIIISE!
W: (jumps back with a startled cry) AH! Wait… Bill?! Is that-?
Bill: You know it, Robot Arm! And you, you guys out there! (he points at the screen) You seriously didn't think I was gone for good, did you?
W: B-But how? Stan literally punched you out of existence while having his mind wiped! And the effects of the Memory Gun had drained your powers and severely weakened you! Plus, the only thing left of your physical form is a statue!
Bill: Kinda impressive, if you ask me. Feels like a little appreciation gift. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Y'know, for a guy so smart, you certainly can't take a hint.
W: Uh… hint?
Bill: Seconds before my quote-unquote "untimely demise", I just asked Big Frilly to give me a second chance, a little redemption. I'd need to take another form in another time, but in the end it all worked out! It's gonna take a lot more than a little amnesia ray to get rid of this guy! HAHAHA!
W: Um… well, how about another being that's completely chaotic and unpredictable?
Bill: Oh, puh-lease! That little stitched toy? Have you even seen his version of paradise?! Just look at it! Upside-down buildings? Roads made of soap? Cardboard houses that fall over with a sneeze? Where's the fire? Where's the monsters? Where's the people going insane? If you're gonna throw the world into complete imbalance and disorder, do it with style! Is that too much to ask?!
W: WHAT?! Wait, wait, wait! In Death Battle, combatants aren't supposed to know of each other prior to their encounter! It's in the rules!
Bill: Rules? Buddy, you must not know me at all, then. I mean, the whole point of me completely derailing existence was to break every single rule imaginable! Now, not to be rude or anything, but I think it's time our viewers got to know my competition! See ya around, Wizzy! Ahahahahaha!
(The glow in Boomstick's eyes fades and he shoots awake with a yelp.)
B: GAH! I wasn't sleeping! You were sleeping!
W: Uh… this interdimensional demon is the most cunning phenomena Gravity Falls and the Pines family have ever seen. But be cautious and trust no one, for something will always be watching you.
B: Wait, what? Did I miss something? Wiz, what's going on?
Bill: Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, byeeee!
FIGHTER 2: DISCORD
B: So we're back in magical pony land. But we're not looking at any high-flying pegasi or laser-shooting unicorns. Today, we're looking at someone who just… makes no sense at all.
W: Make way for the bringer of bedlam, the purveyor of pandemonium, the lord of lawlessness, and the embodiment of chaos himself, Discord.
B: Who wants nothing more than to turn the land of Equestria upside-down and inside out. And those ideals don't really sit well with the local ruler sisters. They may be called princesses, Wiz, but look at them. They're obviously queens.
W: This draconequus, as he is described, caused unrest in Equestria until Celestia and Luna turned him to stone. But, like any imprisoned villain, he didn't stay frozen for long and broke free to continue his chaotic reign.
B: Yep, he had the six horses get lost in a maze while wingless and hornless, tricked them into reversing their personalities, then made Ponyville the chaos capital of the world! Luckily, Twi managed to de-corrupt her buddies and once again used weaponized friendship to turn Discord rock hard once again. Heh heh. Well, he got freed again, and long story short, he became one of the good guys and may or may not be Fluttershy's boyfriend. I can hear those Flutterdash shippers already.
W: As the embodiment of chaos itself, Discord is purely unpredictable. He can defy the laws of physics, summon or change things with just the snap of a finger, duplicate himself, manipulate reality, and even wields the powerful magic known as Toon Force.
B: Like when he drank a glass of chocolate milk! With the glass going down as a liquid and the frozen milk blowing up behind him! He can create illusions, tear open the fabric of reality, use it as a curtain, send you to another dimension, manipulate your mind, break the fourth wall, duplicate himself, can erase things from existence, and even says NO to damage! He's even fought Pinkie Pie in this chaotic dimension!
W: This would be the Chaos Dimension, where Discord draws his power from. And it can make anyone inside go insane.
B: He's so skilled in this chaos power that he's transformed others, removed wings and horns, and even literally changed himself into the personification of order! What CAN'T he do?!
W: Anything. Discord even helped seal away an entity similar to himself called Cosmos, the personification of malice itself, who is stated to be unable to be destroyed since malice ALSO cannot be destroyed. And although Discord mostly does what he does for humor and fun, Cosmos used her OWN chaos for pure evil…
B: Hmmm…that sounds familiar.
W: Discord is a cunning and manipulative mastermind, even disguising himself as the tyrannical Grogar to trick many of Equestria's villains. However, he can be so overconfident and cocky that he will not go all-out against enemies, and has a tendency to underestimate them. He can even be tricked himself. And if he acts or becomes "normal", he starts to fade away from existence as he cannot use his reality warping powers in the process of doing so, but it can be reversed if he experiences something "chaotic". In addition, he can lose his powers if someone compatible with his realm enters it while he is not there and begins to link with it, although this can be reversed by proving himself the more chaotic one.
B: This is what he calls a Cuckoo Cook-Off, a duel where chaos magic is used. Whoever runs out of ideas first loses. But Discord is a tricky opponent, because you never know what he'll do next.
W: At least Discord now uses this chaos for good purposes, albeit sometimes in mischievous ways. But if he ever gets serious, there just might be no possible thing in all of reality that could ever stop him…
Discord: Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?
DEATH BATTLE:
W: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
B: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
…
(Deciphering Discord - Brandon Yates)
In the Chaos Dimension, Discord is reclining in a chair upside down while floating, sipping a drink with the glass going in. Suddenly, the sky grows red and a rift is ripped open in the sky. Discord moves to lift his sunglasses off, but takes his eyes up instead.
A shape takes physical form, revealing itself to be Bill Cipher.
Bill Cipher: Alright, listen up, you little stitched horse toy! I have had it up to HERE with your little "chaos" stuff! I mean, look at this!
(He conjures up a chaosified Ponyville, with all of Discord's tricks)
Bill Cipher: You call THIS paradise?! Upside-down buildings? Roads made of soap? Cardboard houses that fall over with a sneeze? Where's the fire? Where's the monsters? Where's the people going insane? If you're gonna throw the world into complete imbalance and disorder, do it with style! Is that too much to ask?!
Discord yawns and teleports right-side up.
Discord: Are you saying you could do better? After all, I make the rules around here, and the only rules I know how to make are no rules at all. I'm surprised you even know me, weird pyramid guy. Then again, who hasn't?
Bill Cipher: Oh, I know lots of things.
Bill flashes to show various canon and fanart images of various MLP generations, including Equestria Girls.
Bill (in a deep tone): Lots of things.
He changes back to his normal voice.
Bill: In fact, I can do stuff YOU can do, but WAY better! Maybe this place deserves a little makeover under new management…
Discord: Very well then. A Cuckoo Cook-Off it is.
Bill fires a powerful blast of energy from his finger, but Discord turns it into stuffed animals with the snap of a finger. Bill changes them into tigers with a handclap, which Discord turns into an ice sculpture, which Bill turns into spikes, which is then turned into butter, then a swarm of bees, which becomes chocolate milk, which becomes lava, which becomes water, which becomes nothing.
Frustrated, Bill shuffles Discord's body parts around, but the draconequus simply pieces himself back together before turning Bill into chips. However, Bill just reforms by rewinding time (with a hidden backwards message playing), then dodging the attack. He summons a madness-inducing bubble, but Discord just pops it like a normal bubble before tearing open the fabric of reality and sucking Bill through before teleporting after him.
Bill slams against the screen, shattering it and changing the animation style from hand-drawn to 2D sprites. Bill simply shakes his head.
Bill: What the?
Discord: We're further deeper in my little humble abode. Who knows what might happen here?
He duplicates himself to surround Bill, who only blinks.
Bill: Hey, not bad! But like I said, anything YOU can do…
He duplicates himself as well surrounding the Discords.
Bills: I can do better!
The Bills and Discords begin fighting each other, with one Bill falling apart from a Discord's snap, another Discord getting turned to stone by Bill's magic before shattering, and other clones getting vaporized by powerful magic attacks.
Bill even tries possessing Discord, but he literally manages to pull Bill out of his own head.
Discord: Augh, you give me a headache! You remind me of my ex-girlfriend…
Bill: Aww, that's too bad! You'd make a fine henchmen if you didn't suck at doing your JOB!
He grows more arms and pummels Discord before spinning around with him and throwing him at the screen again, shattering it once again to transition the animation style into stop-motion. Bill only looks at himself.
Bill: Oh great, now I look like a toy! Well, either way, playtime's over!
He begins manipulating reality to turn the dimension into a death trap, but Discord manages to dodge and withstand some of the attacks. He phases through a wall, puts his own head back on, and traps Bill in a statue of Sombra with a finger snap. Bill easily breaks free, however, and freezes time. He flicks Discord, looks at his watch for a few seconds, and when time resumes again, Discord is sent flying.
Discord: Okay, so you MAY be pretty good at this. But you'll run out of ideas eventually.
He conjures up a massive Bugbear which lunges at Bill, but he simply freezes it in place.
Bill: Yawn.
He splits the Bugbear into a normal bee and bear, then telekinetically yanks out the bear's teeth and bee's stinger before throwing them at Discord. He only materializes a target shield which is struck in the bullseye. Bill simply disintegrates the bear and bee with a clap, then throws an Always Screaming Head at Discord, who simply turns it into confetti with another finger snap.
Bill: You call THAT chaos? Buddy, I'm the master of ALL THINGS WEIRDNESS!
Bill conjures up a weirdness wave that suddenly washes over the place, changing the style to a live-action video of two guys dressed up as the two combatants in a backyard. They simply charge at each other, collide, then fall over.
Another weirdness wave washes over the area, changing the animation style to 3D animation. Discord gets up, stars circling his head. He shakes it off, then throws the stars like shurikens. Bill manages to casually zap them out of existence, but the last one hits him in the eye and he screams.
Bill: AHHH! MY EYE! NOT AGAIN! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LONG THIS TAKES TO REGENERATE?!
Discord: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a darn.
He then summons all kinds of random bullshit and fires them at Bill, who only repels them with energy and begins growing into his demonic form.
Bill (deep tone): You should know that I get really MAD WHEN I GET MAD!
He blasts Discord with a laser from his eye, but Discord manages to dodge several of them. Bill tries swatting and stomping on him, but Discord's Toon Force easily lets him survive, as he de-flattens himself by self-inflation. Discord then uses his chaos magic to turn Bill two-dimensional, which irritates him.
Bill: ARGH! ENOUGH! I AM GOING TO DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES!
He manages to land a powerful punch on Discord hard enough to shatter the screen one last time and revert the animation style back to hand-drawn. Bill then reverts back to normal with a chaotic laugh.
Bill: Well, it's been fun horsing around with whatever nightmare YOU claim to be, but I think it's finally time for that makeover to happen!
Discord: Oh, I'm afraid I still have a FEW more tricks up my-.
Bill manages to manipulate Discord's memory, making him forget any more ideas or that he is even chaotic.
Discord: Uh…what was I talking about again?
Bill: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So long, sucker! BOOM!
He fires a powerful blast at Discord, and the weirdness begins to overwhelm the chaotic entity as he begins glitching and convulsing. Discord screams backwards before being poofed from existence. Bill only blows the smoke off his finger gun, then merges the Nightmare Realm with the Chaos Dimension.
Bill: Ah, multiversal domination. I could get used to this! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
B: Well, looks like good old Chaosville has a new Illuminati man!
W: Discord was a cunning entity of pure chaos, but Bill Cipher was even more so in every single way. Bill's reality warping proved that he could possibly render even the Toon Force utterly useless, and he could easily undo any real damage done to him by Discord.
B: But the lord of lawlessness wasn't going down without a fight. He could easily get Bill out of his head, survive his own madness-inducing powers, and withstand basically anything Bill threw at him. That is, unless he began acting normal…
W: Discord will become severely weakened if he starts acting normal, and Bill could easily alter his mind to do just that. Such as when he possessed Ford and deleted a word from his vocabulary. Once Bill could trick Discord into forgetting he was chaotic, he'd easily run out of ideas and soon find the battle just too weird for him to handle.
B: In the end, this cord got unplugged, and his chances of taking down this Cipher just went down... The Falls.
W: (Groans) The winner is Bill Ciph-.
The screen corrupts to show Bill laughing maniacally.