III
After Africa
Jackie walked down the steps to the basement. It had been nearly five months since she last stepped foot in here, and it felt like a lifetime ago. She felt different, she was different. Her thoughts and views had changed. Her entire perspective on life had changed.
She wanted different things.
She felt different things.
She heard the voices of her friends laughing and arguing about something and she smiled, because in spite of everything that happened, she loved her friends and she missed them. She stood outside for a moment just enjoying the moment, for she knew that if she were to step foot into their sanctuary, the easy camaraderie between them would evaporate on account of her being there.
She was never really part of the group, she acknowledged that now. At first, it was because of Michael, and then Steven. When Michael left and Steven turned on her, Donna turned on her too, to welcome the latest 'girlfriend' into the group, or 'wife' in Sam's case. Without an anchor to the main members of the group, she became redundant — a loose thread. Because at the core of it, Donna and Fez would always pick Hyde over her; their bonds had been formed way before she had ever set foot in their lives. She ached a little at that, but accepted it, and thus, she squared her shoulders and pushed the basement door open.
"Hey guys."
Conversation ceased so abruptly it was almost comical as they turned as one to look at her.
Donna was on the couch, but she leapt to her feet as soon as she saw who it was.
Fez was on the other end of the couch, closest to the door, trying to catch M&Ms that Hyde was throwing at him with his mouth.
Randy was absent, but Steven, as usual, was in his chair.
She gave them all a tiny wave and spared a small smile for Steven. She couldn't see his eyes, but she could tell from the way he stiffly set the M&Ms down to fold his arms and lock his jaw that he was wound up.
"Hey," she said again awkwardly, not quite sure how to bring back the easy banter that was going on before she walked in. "So, what have you guys been up to?"
The look on the Donna's face was forbidding. "Where the hell've you been?" she demanded.
"I, uh, away?" Jackie ventured a little nervously.
Donna's eyebrows pulled sharply down in a ferocious scowl. "Don't give me that. We know you went to Africa!" she yelled.
Jackie turned accusing eyes towards Fez. He threw his hands up in surrender. "I didn't do anything," he cried. "They figured it out! I warned you!"
Jackie looked back at Donna trying to think of something to say. She had known that they had been mad that she was in Africa, but Donna looked pissed. Really, really mad.
Uncertainty filled her, and she felt like a back-stabbing traitor for everything that had happened with Eric.
"Yeah! Yeah, we know," Donna flung at her. Her chest was heaving and she seemed to be struggling mightily with something. "I don't believe this," she said shaking her head. "Are you— I just— Gah!"
Finally reaching a decision, she planted her hands on her hips and took a menacing step towards Jackie, who took an instinctive step back.
"Did anything happen between you and Eric!" she asked, but it came out more as a shrill scream than anything else.
Stunned into a response, Jackie blurted the first thing that popped into her head. "Nothing!"
It was an outright lie, and her eyes widened as her very being protested and Jackie wanted to take it back the moment she heard it fly out of her mouth.
But those words died on her tongue when she saw the look of instant relief that flooded Donna's face, and a little of the manic hostility in her eyes faded. Donna buried her face in her hands and flopped back down on the couch. Her voice, when it came out, was muffled through her fingers.
"God, I've been driving myself crazy with thoughts of something happening between the both of you."
Jackie heard a little sniff and when Donna took her face out of her hands, she saw that her eyes were red.
"I can't, Jackie. Okay? Thank God... It would have killed me if you and Eric..." She broke off and shook her head, trying to get her emotions in order. "I don't even want to think about it."
Guilt, thick and heavy, swirled through her body. "Donna wait-"
Donna held up a hand. "Forget it. Just— I know I haven't been the best of friends for a while, but," she stopped and turned her body to meet Jackie's eyes, "let's try again, okay?"
God. What could she say to that? Swallowing past the acrid taste in her mouth, Jackie moved past Fez to take a seat next to Donna on the couch. She folded her hands in her lap and her eyes were troubled, but when she answered her friend, all she said was, "Yeah, Donna, okay."
Donna reached over to pat her folded hands and offered her a tiny smile, which Jackie returned with a tinier one of her own.
There was a harsh scraping of metal on the concrete ground and they both looked over as Hyde threw his chair back.
"I don't know why you were so worried," he said to Donna.
He turned to walk towards his room in the back before either of them could tell how relieved he was upon hearing Jackie's answer regarding Eric too. He knew it — Eric would never be attracted to someone like Jackie.
But the possibility of the both of them had stuck in his craw ever since Donna had voiced the question, but he had refused to entertain it at all, downing beer after beer if the mere thought of it appeared in his mind. It had been agony, and along with the physical hurt that Jackie's sudden disappearance in his life had caused him, his parting shot was deliberately laced with spite and malice.
"She's already been around half the group once. And Forman doesn't do leftovers."
Jackie felt the breath leave her body in one fell woosh. As an insult, it had compounded on all her insecurities and drilled a hole straight through her heart. Breathe breathe breathe.
Jackie felt Fez's hand squeeze her shoulder. Donna frowned after Hyde and opened her mouth to say something, but Jackie caught her hand to stop her. She shook her head, and gave Donna a tight smile.
His room door slammed shut.
"It's okay. I get it," she said. "I was hoping that things between us would have gotten better, but I realize that I've got my work cut out for me."
"What do you mean?" asked Donna.
She blew out a breath and sat back on the couch. "Look. The thing is, it's... Steven. And he's really hurting right now, I see that now. I came back because I was worried about him."
She leaned her head back on the back of the couch and closed her eyes tiredly. "And trust me, it was really difficult to do because I loved it over there."
She felt Donna stiffen next to her and wondered if she had yet again said the wrong thing. She sighed inwardly, sick of catering to so many others' feelings. Opening her eyes, she turned them to her friend.
"Donna, look," she said softly. "Things were hard for me here, and when Eric asked me to go, I didn't really think, I just went."
This was difficult for Donna to digest, and Jackie could see it.
"Why would he invite you, when he's never even asked me?" she eventually asked in an injured tone.
Jackie didn't know if she meant it as a rhetorical question, but decided to bite the bullet and answer her honestly. "We'd been writing each other for almost a year before I went. He's become a dear friend."
Donna's eyes registered her shock, and even Fez's hand stilled over the bag of candy on the table that he had stretched out to take.
"You and Eric. Friends?" He gaped at her.
Jackie's eyes swept between the both of them. What she and Eric had was special, and very, very important to her. So soon after leaving him, his physical absence in her life was still a raw, open wound. She wasn't sure what to say now, and wasn't keen on talking about him, or about them, to anyone.
She nodded shortly and then changed the subject instead. "How're things with Randy?" she asked.
Before Donna could answer though, the basement door swung open and Randy himself swept in.
Jackie nearly swooned. Not only did he have glorious hair, he seemed to have possessed a sense of impeccable timing as well. He made his way over to Donna for a kiss in greeting and Jackie seized that as an excuse to vacate her seat for him. She stood up and made her excuses then fled up the basement stairs.