Two days later I was showing Stephanie where my brothers and I use to raise hell. We were walking through the park near my parents' house when my phone rang. Looking at the display, I cringed. I didn't want to answer the phone; I knew what it was and I hoped if I didn't answer it the news wouldn't come. Steph looked at my face and knew what was going on.

Taking the phone out of my hand, she flipped it open, "Hello?" I watched the look on her face and I knew I was right. I felt the need to run and never stop, but I couldn't. I promised my wife I'd not walk away from her again. So, as much as it hurt, I stood there and waited until she was done. I never heard a word she said and suddenly realized she was wiping her fingers across my cheek.

"He's gone, isn't he?" I whispered.

"I'm so sorry, Matthew," she replied as she nodded.

I took her in my arms and held on like she was the only thing keeping me planted where I was. Truth is, she was. Had she not been there, I'd have taken off. As it was, I couldn't leave. I knew that Mom and my brothers needed me. Taking a deep breath, Lord it seems that's all I've done lately, I pulled back from Steph and reached for her hand. We walked back to the truck and drove to the hospital.

Walking in the waiting room, I saw my brothers standing near the windows and I went to join them. Stephanie spotted my mother and went towards her. As I started to change direction and join Steph, she shook her head and said, "Go check on your brothers. I've got your mom for now."

I walked over to my brothers and we all ended up in a huge hug. We'd never been the touchy-feely kind of brothers, but for some reason, that just felt natural. None of us said a word; we just hugged.

After a few minutes, I noticed my mother and wife were hugging and whispering back and forth. I wasn't sure what was being said, but I hoped that, somehow, Steph was helping my mother.

We planned the funeral and each of us boys decided we wanted to say something special at the memorial. As the day came closer, I had more of a feeling to run. I hated the feeling. I hated it because the stronger it became, the more I felt trapped. Before I married, I would have just run off and never worried about anyone else. Now, I can't. I have a wife that I have to worry about. I tried to cover it up and just deal with it alone, but of course, my wife noticed something was wrong the morning of the memorial.

I was standing in my old bedroom trying to get my tie on straight and it wasn't working. Steph came over to fix it for me, "Matthew, what's wrong?"

I just looked at her and didn't answer. I couldn't answer. I didn't want to yell at her or accuse her of anything, but there was a part of my brain that was accusing her of trapping me.

"Matthew, you need to talk to me. I feel you slipping away and I don't know why. I'm trying really hard to figure it out, but I can't. Have I done something to upset you?"

"No, you've been perfect. I'm just having a hard time right now, okay?"

"If you need me to do something, or not do something, just tell me, okay?" Stephanie fixed my tie and then left the room. I knew I'd hurt her yet again, but damnit. I'm hurting, too. How the hell do I deal with the fact that my hero is gone?

Picking up a frame with a picture of me and my dad at my boot camp graduation, I became so pissed that I'd never see him again and I threw the frame at the wall. The glass shattered onto the floor. The door opened up and Stephanie stood in the doorway, "Feel better?" she asked.

The beast had begun to rear its ugly head, and unfortunately, my wife was there to witness it, "NO," I yelled at her as I stormed past and into the hall. Chase stepped from his room and tried to stop me, but he failed as my fist connected with his jaw.

I took off out the front door, hopped into the SUV, and tore down the driveway. I had no clue where I was going, I just knew I couldn't stay in the house where I grew up. Pop was there at every turn. Every room held a special memory of him. Every piece of furniture. He was everywhere and I couldn't escape him.

Pulling into the parking lot, I killed the engine and slammed my fist on the steering wheel. Stepping out of the SUV, I walked around to the back of the church and sat down on the bench I knew would be there.

"I hate you," I yelled. "I really don't think you exist now. I used to think you might but now I really doubt it. If you did exist, why the hell would take him away from his family? You don't need him like we do."

Picking up a rock, I threw it into the distance and looked for more to throw. After a few dozen rocks were relocated to the trees I finally stood up and walked farther away from the church.

"I fucking hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!" I kept screaming it over and over until I fell to my knees and cried like I'd never done before.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and expected it to be Steph's, but when I looked up I saw my mom standing there with a sad look on her face. She reached for my hand, "Come with me, Matt."

I took her hand, stood up, and followed her like a little boy. When we entered the church, she sat me down in the back pew and began talking.

"I know you are having a hard time accepting this, but you need to find a way. This isn't what he would have wanted and it isn't fair to your beautiful wife. Yes, you are hurting. Hell, Matt, we all are. But you acting like this is hurting Stephanie. She doesn't know what to do to help you."

"I know, Mom. I just don't know what to do. I'm dealing with this the best I can. Don't push me, please?" I begged my mom and I didn't care. If I'd not been married, I'd have called my old handler and requested any assignment he had for me. I may be out of the contract, but I know if I called, he'd have me on the next plane out.

As the thoughts rolled through my head, I saw movement to my right. Glancing over, I saw Chase, Martin, Malcolm, and Stephanie walking down the aisle. I watched as my wife walked right past me and never glanced my way. Seeing that, my heart felt like I'd been stabbed. Kissing my mother's cheek, I rose and walked to the front of the church to join Steph. Only, I was stopped in my tracks before I could reach the front pew. Chase and Martin held me back. Fuckers, what the hell do they think they are doing? "Let me go," I growled at them.

Chase, having more military training than the other two, looked at me, "Stand down, Soldier. You're hurting, we know that. But, you're also hurting your wife. Twice now, you've walked out on her. Twice you've left her wondering what she's done to piss you off. You may be her husband, but you've continued to hurt her. We won't let you hurt her a third time. You need to get your head on straight."

"It's okay," I heard Stephanie whisper. I looked at her and realized how much I've hurt the woman I love. I seem to be doing that a lot lately and I don't like it. I need to change and fast. "Matthew, would you please join me?"

I squeezed past my brothers and sat down next to my wife, "I want to talk to you when this is over. Will you go somewhere with me?" She grabbed my hand, squeezed it, laid her head on my shoulder, and whispered yes.

People began filtering in the church and coming up to view the casket. After they paid their respects to Pop, they came to the front pew and offered their condolences to Mom, my brothers, and myself. I felt myself begin to get jittery; I needed air, but I forced myself to sit there and accept what was happening.

Steph must have noticed my problem because she stood up and reached for my hand, "Come outside with me for a few?" she asked. With a nod, I stood and followed her out. When we hit the fresh air, I began to feel like I could breathe a little easier.

Stephanie pushed me to the side of the church and sat me on the bench. "Matthew, I need to know what's wrong. You are not yourself and it's worrying me."

I knew this was coming. I knew what I had to do. But, yet I didn't know how. How would she look at me once she found out? How would my mother and brothers look at me once they found out? I just needed a little more time to figure things out. I wish I'd had more time with Pop. More time would have fixed this.

Looking up at Stephanie, I saw so much concern, love, and acceptance. I just hoped I wasn't about to fuck things up.