Chapter 4:
Draco's pov
After breakfast, i trudge up to my room and collapse on my bed just as I did the night before. Father looked quite worried for me at breakfast.. I let the tears that I was holding back all day flow from my eyes carelessly. I lay there for a few minutes rolling in my self pity, loathing the world and whatever higher power controls it. That is, until I hear a slow knock on the door. Father groans. I don't expect him to answer. Still, I slink out of bed and crawl to the door, wanting to hear if he does. He tries to ignore it, but the knocks grow louder until he answers them. It's so far away, I can't hear much, but I recognize the voice of professor snape, and I swear I hear my father say his name. I slowly slip pit of my room, careful not to be seen and not to let the door make noise. What could he be doing here? As I listen to them conversate emotionally, I begin to feel sick. I try to make my way back to my room, they won't notice me now, they're distracted with eachother, but a sentence strikes me like a blunt object. "But you wil love again." Says snape. I slink back to my hiding spot, listening intently. Of course, father is going to say that he won't, that he could only ever love mother...but he says nothing. It was probably in his intentions to say it, though, right? That was what he was thinking? I hear snape say that he's going to leave. Its almost as though a weight has been lifted off my chest. But the weight slams back down, heavier this time, as father asks him to wait. He thanks severus. "Good, now he's going to leave, right?" I think. He doesn't. They don't seem to move at all. I peer around the corner at them, something I hadn't dared to do previously, to see them.. holding hands? I blink quickly, thinking I must be seeing something wrong. I wasn't. I could see father, perfectly clear, looking at professor snape almost... lovingly? Were they.. were they going to kiss? Father's voice pierces the room. "Remember our days at hogwarts?" Oh, now they're going to talk about when they were younger.. well, with mother out of the way, he's free to snog anyone he wants, huh? She was just a road block, a setback? Did she really mean that little to him? No.. it can't be.. I must be interpreting it wrong. I lean back over the corner to see my dad staring at severus the same way he was a second ago, love in his eyes. Severus remarks that he very much does remember their time at hogwarts together. I wonder what happened all that time ago... were they in love back then? I shudder at the thought. There's a long pause. "Maybe.. you should sit back down." His words hit me like a punch to the stomach. I try to hold back tears. What a way to honor my mother's memory, flirting with another man the day after she dies. I don't want to listen anymore, but i force myself to. It's gut-wrenching, listening to him talking about getting over her. She only died a FEW DAYS AGO! He really doesn't care? A twinge of hope pierces me as I hear snape say, "Honestly? Don't lie to me, Lucius, think about it." And it quickly fleets as I hear father reply, "Yes, Severus, honestly. I must be strong.. for me, and my son." And his son?? He thinks this is benefitting me? Him flirting with snape? This isn't "getting over" her, this is just throwing her to the side as if she never existed! I put my head to the wall, wishing I could slam it, but not wanting to be found eavesdropping. Until I hear my name. "You should go tend to Draco." He says. Tend to me? As if i'm some kind of baby? What the hell could father do? He clearly didn't care for mother.. when I see him, I don't know what i'll do. Insulting her memory like that.. How dare he? I relinquish all guilt I felt last night over shouting at him. He deserved all of that and more. I know father will be up to check on me soon, but I stay in my place. I want him to know that I heard it. I hear him tell snape that he's welcome here anytime and say something in spanish. Damn him, father, and severus, the treacherous fools. I stand as I hear the door shut. I watch father walk up the stairs and turn to enter my room. "I'm here, father." I say, frustratedly. He turns around quickly. "Draco! Were you.." I nod. "Yea, I was listening! And I heard it! All of it! How dare you insult mothers memory!" Everything I was thinking pours from my mouth. Father steps back, shocked. I begin to sob. "You didn't care about her, did you?" Father straightens his back. "I cared about your mother, Draco! I loved her!" I step towards him. "THEN WHY ARE YOU THROWING HER TO THE SIDE LIKE SHE NEVER MATTERED, DOWN THERE HOLDING HANDS WITH SNAPE, TALKING ABOUT LOVE OR WHATEVER? YOU TWO WERE ALMOST MAKING OUT!" He scoffs. "I did not kiss Snape! He was talking about grief! Am I in love with him, just because he came to console me?" I step again towards father. "And when he said, "you will love again," he meant him, right? You know he did!" Father moves closer to me. At that second, I quickly pull my wand out and point it at him. He freezes in shock. "Your own father.. You would threaten to attack your own father? What would your grandfather think, Draco? You're quite lucky that I would never hit a child, because if I ever did that to my father, he would slap me across the face!" He seems astonished at my actions. "I Don't care! Did you forget? Your retched father died of the same disease that claimed my mother! Not just my mother, but your wife! Your wife, that you didn't seem to give a fuck about!" He places his hand on his heart, his shock prominent on his face. "Did you just cuss at me? Draco? And you're threatening me? What do you plan on doing with that wand anyway?" My hand shakes. I really didn't think about what I was going to do. I just took my wand out. I spurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "Unforgivable curses! Three of them! Imperius, cruciatus and avade kedavrus! Control, pain and murder! I'll do it! I will!" And he laughs. He actually laughs. It sounds painfully taunting. "You've learned quite a lot about the dark arts, presumably from me... I guess I didn't have to bother considering sending you to durmstrang, then." He moves closer to me. I jab my wand in his direction. "But I thought.." With one quick movement, he grabs the end of my wand. "That I had taught you some respect?" He pulls on it. I try so hard to keep my grasp, but I'm overwhelmed by his strength, and it slips from my hands. "Think of what I've done for you. Where would you be without me, boy?" He speaks calmly and slowly, which is surprising, seeing as until now he's been talking through gritted teeth. "Also, it's not avade kedevrus. It's Avada Kedavra. Not that I expect you to be able to do it." He chuckles and places my wand in his pocket. "If you were to kill me, you would have a hell of a time trying to cover it up." I know it was an empty threat, but I also know, for sure, that if only for a few seconds, I felt as though I could have actually killed my father. I think of what an awful predicament that would be. 13 years old and in azkaban.. and even if I did get out, I would have no family... but the manor gets passed down through generations, so it would belong to me. I wonder what that would be like, walking down the hallway that I committed unforgivable murder in every day.. "I could excuse how you acted when I came to get you. Anger is one of the stages of grief. You didn't mean that." He steps closer to me. "And yet, I feel as though you mean what you've said to me today. When i'm done with you, i'll let you sit down for a while and think about what you've done. Get your head straight. But until then. You're going to shut up and listen. Understand, boy?" I nod. What other choice do I have? Father takes in a few deep breaths. "Draco. Your mother.." I spring up, still feeling a bit of adrenaline. "Don't you dare speak about her like you haven't just dishonored her memory!" I watch the anger rise up in him. "SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK." He takes my wand out of his pocket. "Silencio!" I suddenly find myself unable to make any sound. I sit down angry. "Listen to me and listen well. What you've done is completely unacceptable. You're going to let me explain and quit jumping to conclusions. You barely know anything about this situation, son. Quit acting like you do." I want to make a snappy retort, but again can't muster my vocal cords to work. "I loved your mother. Don't doubt that for a second. Doing so is an insult to both of us. I didn't think that I would have to explain that to my own son, but I also didn't think he would threaten to murder me, now did I?" I nod, not believing him. "All the snape was doing was trying to help. Im sorry if you took that as us bonding romantically." I feel quite foolish. "But if we were.. what would be the problem, exactly?" I spring up, ready to give him a piece of my mind. How can he not see what's wrong with that? I don't care if he can't hear me. I begin to mouth words, making no sound out loud, but thinking them clearly in my mind, moving my lips as if I were able to speak. He takes out his wand and waves it. Suddenly, i'm able to speak. My voice turns back on like a switch and I speak as if I never stopped. "She just died! Yesterday, in fact! The idea that you're even ABLE to snog someone else means that you never loved her at all! It's impossible to move on that quickly!" He snarls. "If you had listened to me, instead of only hearing words that proved your point, you would've heard me say that I wasn't over her, but I was ready to be, for your sake. Or did you casually turn a blind eye to that?" "How are you ready to be over her?! She died a few days ago!" I snap. "Because I have to take care of you completely alone now! I can't be laying in self hatred when I have a child to raise! The last alive member of my family that I swore to protect!" I stop. I rack my brain, trying to find something to use against him, but his point makes sense. I absolutely hate to admit it, but it makes complete sense. 'I-well-" I stutter. He smirks. "Now you get it, huh?" I look away from him, still irritated, his smug voice making me want to do something violent. "You may leave now. I will expect you to come out and apologize as soon as you're ready. After that.. i'l decide the rest of your punishment. Go." I quickly turn around and run to my room. As soon as the door closes, I lean up against it and slink to a sitting position, my knees sticking up. I try to steady my breath. I think, trying to decide how I feel. I can't recognize my emotions. I feel sad, but also angry.. maybe even fear, remorse? It feels like a million feelings at once that I can't even begin to describe and decipher. A flood of remorse engulfs me. So far, I've shouted at father on two occasions and threatened to murder him. Mother wouldn't want this.. what would mother want? I stand up and go look out the window. I can see the rose bushes on the lawn from here.. mother loved those roses.. what would she want me to do? Mother would tell us not to fight, if she was here. She would console me. I hear her soft voice almost clearly in my mind. "Your father only wants what's best for you, dear." And I know he does.. I stand up. There's no reason to be mad anymore. I open the door and trudge down the stairs into his study. He has his feet up on his desk, leaning in his chair, looking out the window, a book open on his desk. Am I insane, or is he, too, looking at the roses? He turns to look at me. "Ah, back so soon?" He says quietly. "Yes, father." I mutter. He raises and eyebrow. "You know I can't hear you when you're mumbling, and when you're that far away. Come here, son." I step closer to him. "Father...i'm sorry for how I acted." I flinch fearfully. Now that I'm not charged with adrenaline, father looks just as intimidating as he always has. "Well, you had better be." Suddenly, I wish I hadn't left my room. "But thank you for at least coming to your senses. It didn't even take you that long." He places his hand on my face. Is he going to hit me? He's never hurt me physically, no matter how scary he may be, he's always refrained from even slapping me. His hand is extremely cold, and I shudder as I feel it. "Everyone always says that you look just like me. Even your mother used to." He stares into my soul. "But I see now.. that you have her eyes." I nod. "As for the rest of your punishment.. i'l excuse that, for now. But if you dare eavesdrop on my private conversations again... I'll just have to rethink dismissing your transgressions, now won't I?" I nod. "You may leave." I turn and walk out the door. When I get to my room, I immediately fall into bed, extremely exausted despite the sun blaring in from the window. I easily fall asleep, my body worn out, finally able to give in.
Note: jesus fucking Christ that chapter was long i'm so sorry