"Explain it to me again – why do we need to pretend to be married?"

Kakashi-sensei's eyes were burning. Burning with energy. Burning with enthusiasm. Burning with a lot of things that he preferred not to think about or else he would have gone insane. Naruto shot him a betrayed look.

"Don't make such a sad face!" Kakashi-sensei boomed, pumping his fist in the air like…like he was…Guy-sensei.

This was awful.

"As you know, some extremely unyouthful people have been making death threats against Hinata as she's the Hyuuga heiress – "

"She's the what now?"

When was Hinata the heiress in this screwed-up alternate universe? He thought she was kicked out of the spot. He thought her family didn't care about her, at least until he beat Neji's ass during the Chuunin Exams.

…Did that…even happen in this world? Or is Neji still –

"Neji's still indisposed after Hinata almost succeeded in ripping his eyeballs out," Kakashi-sensei said, completely ignoring Naruto's outburst.

"She did what now?"

What was this world? Why was Kakashi-sensei acting like Guy-sensei? Why was Shikamaru stupid and Ino shy and Kiba a cat fanatic and Hinata trying to rip people's eyeballs out?

"So we need you to act as her spouse until we find out who's been sending the threats!"

"That makes no sense!" Naruto yelled. "Kakashi-sensei, what happened? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

A lot of things didn't make any sense in this world. Such as how Kakashi-sensei chose to ignore his outburst again, leap out of his chair, and seize his shoulders, his masked face inches from Naruto's own. "GO, my wonderful, youthful, brilliant student! Protect Hinata with all the techniques you learned from the Rokudaime Hokage, the Sharingan Beast, the Copy Ninja of Konoha! Our daily cliff-climbing and three hundred push-ups and one thousand Rasengan training WON'T let you down! Youth always prevails!"

This was awful.

Naruto tried to struggle out of his sensei's grasp, but found himself being pulled into a powerful, rib-crushing hug.

After five extremely long, painful seconds, Kakashi-sensei finally released him.

Naruto staggered back, dazed and blinking stars out of his eyes.

"You're dismissed!" Kakashi-sensei gave him a giant thumbs-up and a presumably gleaming smile – it was hard to tell through his mask. "Good luck! I'm counting on you, Menma!"

Naruto blinked.

Menma?

A/N: For the prompt "Explain it to me again – why do we need to pretend to be married?" but for Road to Ninja NH.