Silence seemed to stretch for an eternity whilst I figured out how to answer that. I gulped down the lump in my throat, I'd already admitted to having a dirty dream about him, this couldn't be any worse. "I never purposefully avoided you. Back then I wasn't comfortable with myself. I'd spent my whole life being compared to Nancy by literally everyone, but I was nothing like her. Robin and I knew we were different so we stuck together to survive." I could feel Eddie's hands grazing my skin as he moved the icebags to his bedside table. "I had a little confidence to wear whatever I wanted, it didnt bother me when other Kids laughed at my music taste either. But I was timid. You weren't. You would strut through those halls knowing people were laughing and making fun of you, but you didn't care. I was constantly impressed by you, wanted to join you in not giving a damn about anyone else." I heard my voice juddering with anxiety and paused, Eddie remained silent. "logically I should've just spoken to you, I know. You tried to talk to me all the time. I just...got nervous. Cared too much about what people would say or think about me hanging out with you." I folded my hands on my stomach, unsure what to do now. Eddie cleared his throat before speaking. "I get it. I've always been the freak, I'm used to it. Don't have any siblings or cousins to be compared to. Would've been nice to eat lunch with you though." his voice was incredibly soft. Thankfully Eddie's bedroom was almost pitched black, and he couldn't see colour flushing my cheeks. My turn. I'd dropped my truth bomb, now he could do the same. "Why did you do it. Tonight. fight Patrick?" There was an agonizing silence and for a moment I regretted asking. "Firstly, he deserved it. Who the hell makes a sick joke like that?" Eddie sucked in a breath, "Anytime that psychopath's name is mentioned my blood starts to boil. I'm not a violent guy. At all. But when I think about what he did to you, and all the things that I don't even know about, I just feel like i'm gonna lose my mind." Hearing Eddie say all this spun my head; when does he think about what Billy did to me? Why does that affect him? Before I could verbalise any of this, Eddie continued, "I guess I just saw red, y'know. when I was hitting him a part of me imagined I was hitting Billy." My nails had been cutting into the skin on the back of my hand without me realising, I flexed my fingers and started rubbing my neck nervously. Eddie seemed anxious too - tapping his fingers against the mattress. I rolled onto my side to face him, he was staring at the ceiling, and closed my eyes when I said, "But why do you care so much about that?" My eyes snapped open when Eddie whispered, " Because I could've stopped It. Hell, I could've prevented it."

I bolted upright on his bed, looking down at him, confused. Eddie turned his eyes towards the window, away from me. "When you came back to Hawkins I was stoked, weird shit had been happening for years here and it felt like something good was finally happening." As Eddie spoke, I stayed completely still, treating him like a deer in the woods. I remembered my first few months back in Hawkins, I spent all of my free time with my cousins and their friends, or with Robin. At school I remembered Eddie saying hi anytime he passed, how he worked act a fool in the classes we shared and I would be the only one seeming to laugh with him rather than at him. "I wanted to ask you out...was planning to. Tried to do it pretty much every day for a week. Billy beat me to it." I was stunned speechless, Eddie was going to ask me out in Junior year? My mouth opened but no words came out. Eddie took this as a sign to go on. "If I'd just fucking asked you, maybe you never would've gone near that bastard." I leaned down to put a hand on his shoulder, " I mean...yeah you're right. If I was with you back then I never would've even looked at Billy Hargrove." I felt Eddies body jolt at my words and started rubbing his shoulder, "At the end of the day, it happened, and you couldn't have done anything to stop it...but I'm still here." my voice raised at the end to try and lighten the mood. Eddie rolled away from me, onto his side towards the window. "I know the signs of abuse, Rain. My dad made damn sure of that. I watched my Mom suffer for years before she killed herself." I audibly moaned at the thought of anybody hurting Eddie, and because I never knew that was why he lived with his uncle. "There were signs with you and Billy. The creepy possessiveness he had over you. How you just stopped hanging with Robin. Changed your clothes, makeup, hair style. Nobody saw you if you weren't at the pool with Billy over summer. They were all there, but the stupid fucking voice in my head made me doubt myself. I was jealous of him, so maybe I was seeing things that weren't there, maybe you were happy being with him and changing." Eddie's voice was completely monotonous. Pain struck my chest, from the memories of how bad it was with Billy, and from how much Eddie must've been torturing himself all this time.