"Oh? Care to pay me another visit, Natsuki Subaru?"
A voice trickled throughout his ears like a distant melody. A voice that struck familiarity, and a voice that brought an unusual, idyllic sentiment to his being. The mental angst that resided within his mind, like thorns sprouting and dancing inside his soul, dispersed away all within a second.
"Huh?"
His eyes widened at the sudden transition from the chilling stone pavement he forced his head into, to the soft field of grass that sat beneath him.
Dusting himself off, he rose up from the ground, and locked his eyes onto the woman that sat before him. Onyx shaded eyes that radiated with intellect and curiosity. Snow white hair that flowed gracefully within the wind, complimenting her figure that hosted and radiated nothing but sheer elegance.
Anyone and everyone that would meet eyes with her would have their pupils blessed, placed into a daze by this woman embellished with beauty.
The Witch of Greed, Echidna. The one that had been guiding and helping Subaru in his endeavors thus far.
Although for Subaru himself, that trance would never consume him. After all, his heart belonged to another.
She tilted her head and shined a grin towards him, "How thoughtful of you. It does get a little lonely here from time to time."
Subaru exuded a sigh, one that radiated exhaustion, but also one riddled with relief.
"It's really weird. No matter how many times I pop up in here, it's like my mind hits a complete reset. I feel so calm now."
"Well, that's one more thing you can thank me for. Doesn't it feel rather nice to feel that weight placed off your mind?"
Another sigh came forth from the young man. Here lies another one of this woman's adamant desires to witness gratitude from him. He ignored her statement and instead focused on the effects of his current demeanor.
"I'm not gonna lie, I wish there was someway to enact this feeling without having to be transported here. Just a button I'd press or something."
"That wounds me. Haven't you brushed upon the thought that your mind falls into ease due to the sight of me?"
Subaru scoffed, "Oh, that's surely not the case."
He was aware of the intricacies involved in stringing his mind to a sane and stable manner, the tea... was it? And as a result, her taunts came off as irritating rather than playful. Her words were nothing but another barrage of teasing and smooth-talking.
Echidna pouted at him.
Subaru placed himself within the vacant seat that sat across Echidna's. Extending his arm towards the table that withheld cookies and tea, he clasped the teacup handle and took a casual sip out of the cup, almost as if he had grown accustomed to the gesture.
Echidna giggled at the sight, pressing the back of her hand up against her mouth to slightly conceal her expression. After bearing witness to the display for a bit, she parted her lips and spoke in a playful manner.
"Do I have to remind you?"
Subaru peeked his eye over at her, still gulping down the tea casually.
"...?"
"Bodily flu—"
Before she could even finish speaking, Subaru choked, and let out a groan. Accompanied with his eyes widening with fear, came tea and spit spewing from his mouth and onto the grass beneath him.
"Why do I keep on forgetting! God damn it!"
"Frankly, I'm starting to think you actually enjoy the taste of it. Not that there's anything wrong with that of course."
"Hell no!"
"Then, the thought of it?" Echidna quirked a brow.
"No! Stop! Ugh, I need to keep a note with me or something to remind me not to drink your damn tea when I come here!"
Echidna continued to giggle at Subaru's display as he carried on with spitting and coughing out the tea that resided within his mouth, desperately attempting to remove that strange taste.
After calming himself from his rather... embarrassing exhibit, Subaru tightened his eyelids at the woman in front of him, staring intently. His gaze almost seemed as if he had been peering into her soul itself, who knew whatever that display held in store...
She shut her eyes and withheld a smile, feeling his gaze loom over her. After letting a silence hang over the two, she spoke once more.
"Well then, what is that you want to ask me? I'm listening."
There were far too many questions Subaru had to ponder on. However, there was one that consistently echoed throughout his head, repeating over and over.
"What am I missing here?"
Subaru glared at the woman before him, a stern and stoic demeanor being displayed through his expression. She opened her eyes and gazed back at him.
A silence stood between them, enveloping the space amidst the table and withholding an awkward display. Subaru's eyes continued to pierce through her onyx pupils that soon softened after nervousness began to pent up inside her.
An anxious smile played over her lips and a slight blush radiated from her white cheeks. Maybe he was staring too intently.
"Y-Yes?"
Despite his display being rather stoic, it was nothing but that. A display, a front. In reality, Subaru felt anxiousness pent up inside him. Revolving around his manner was that tense sentiment, a nervous feeling that had coiled up around his lips, restraining him from speaking. What was holding him back? What was Subaru so fearful of? Nearly tripping over his own words, he spoke harshly, and almost bleakly.
"Echidna, why do you keep on helping me?"
Her blush faded away and her mouth stood slightly open. Her stillness withholding her from speaking as Subaru let his words hang rigidly in the air, refusing to emphasize.
She closed her eyes and spoke to him, "Is it really that hard to figure out? I am quite fond of you."
Subaru felt a twitch irk within his eyelid. There it was again, that strange, smooth-talk of hers. He exhaled and snappily retorted back at her.
"That's not the answer I'm looking for."
"Hm?"
Subaru wouldn't budge an inch on his manner. The tension that enveloped his demeanor, while discomforting, still served a purpose moving forward. Echidna may have helped him in various ways, easing his pursuits and goals, but why? What was there for her to gain? What was it that The Witch of Greed herself found so interesting in Natsuki Subaru? Did he simply have a thing for attracting witches near him? Or was it something else?
Echidna tilted her head and shined a grin at him. After taking a sip out of her teacup, she cleared her throat and spoke in a stern manner, rather than her playful one.
"Natsuki Subaru, would you be interested in forging a contract with me?"
"There it is."
Subaru tightened his throat and swallowed his saliva. The word "contract" in itself was enough to get his heart shaking. A contract.. with a witch? That didn't sound pleasant to him at all. He was already granted something from a witch of sin, and not by choice. What makes this proposal any better? Despite the hesitation that twirled around within his heart, he continued to speak to her.
"..And what would happen if I would go about accepting this contract?"
"It's simple, really."
She cleared her throat and shined a warm smile towards him.
"Through every reset and loop you experience from Return by Death, I'll be there right with you."
The second those words met with his ears, Subaru's eyes widened with shock.
"Whenever something is thrown at you that you struggle to overcome, I'll be there to support you. Whenever remorse is eating you up inside, refraining you from moving forward, I'll be there to guide you. Whenever the pain and sins you bear become too much to handle, I'll be there to share it with you."
Subaru snickered, "So you'd be my own personal guidebook and therapist to put it bluntly..?"
"And much more if you so desire," she continued.
Despite his attempt at mocking her offer, Subaru couldn't deny that it sounded rather pleasant. The knowledge granted to him would allow for his plans and battles to succeed prominently. But above all, there was something else enticing about the contract. Her words felt as if they were repeating within his head. "Support you." "Guide you." "Share it with you." It all felt... rather cathartic hearing those words. When, and where else did he experience this feeling?
Subaru fixated his eyes at the azure skies that sat above him, watching the clouds fly by.
"It.. doesn't sound like a bad idea really," he spoke softly.
Just as those words left his lips, Echidna slammed her hands onto the table, resulting in both her tea spilling over and some of her sweets falling off into the grass. Her face radiated with nothing but sheer bliss at hearing Subaru's mere implication of showing interest.
"Then you're interested?!"
Subaru slowly pulled his head back, lengthening the distance between the two in their stare off.
"Uh..."
He let out a sigh, then inquired her.
"How would we even go about forming this contract you're offering?"
Echidna took her hands off the table and walked towards Subaru, closing in the distance between the two.
"There are two steps to it."
She extended her hand towards Subaru's face.
"The first step is holding our palms up to each other, making a spiritual vow. An unseen string that announces our loyalty to one another."
Subaru raised a brow. "And the other part?"
"The second step is forming a bond between our souls."
"And how would we go about doing that?" Subaru tightened his eyes, fear still waning within his voice.
"...Don't worry about that for now, let's just get the first part out of the way," She answered with slight hesitation chiming within her voice.
Initially, Subaru was quick to extend his hand forward, touching his palm against hers. After all, he wasn't one to sit through an entire page of terms and conditions before agreeing upon a service. But this... was different, obviously. The contract—the offer in itself didn't sound bad at all. He would have someone next to him, even beyond death, even beyond his re-does. That isolation and solitude that continued to eat him up; it would all come to end wouldn't it? He stared off into her eyes, finding himself in a slightly dazed state. Where, where else did this feeling come from?
And just then, he heard his own words replay within his mind.
"I Return by Death!"
That's right, how could he forget such a moment? Releasing the weight of those words onto another. That feeling he had longed for. Unable to tell anyone and everyone, he finally could speak to someone about his power. And that someone, was Echidna, The Witch of Greed herself.
"Ah.. that."
The catharsis that brushed upon his mind after revealing the burden he carried reverberated once more in his heart. The solace that resided within his soul before fleeting away, the idyllic sense of contentment and comfortability, he couldn't help but hold a strong desire to experience it again. He wanted to secure it, to withhold it. The distressing solitude he wallowed within finally came to a halt when he announced his power, or rather his curse to her.
Subaru darted his eyes to one of the teacups, breaking away eye contact from Echidna, and instead staring off into his reflection through the tea.
"No."
Subaru stopped himself, he planted his hand back on the chair, holding it still and firm.
"No.."
But despite that relief reverberating within his mind, there was always something Subaru seemed to hate. The aftermath. That's right, no matter how many times harmony was granted to him, it wouldn't be long until that harmony reverted to tragedy. That always seemed to be the issue with peace and quiet, it never lasted.
Fear waning within his voice, and hesitation holding him in a paralyzed state, he fought to part his lips and speak to her.
"Echidna, what are the parts that you aren't telling me?"
"Hm? What do you mean?" she spoke curiously.
"You've told me the selling points of the contract to drag me in. But at the end of the day, this is a contract right? So... what is it that I have to give up?"
Echidna lowered her hand, and stood still in front of Subaru. Her smile continued to sit still.
Subaru felt a terrible feeling rupture within his stomach. Her silence only continued to fuel that feeling. An amalgamation of fear and irritation started to steadily spew within him.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" His voice raised in pitch.
Echidna closed her eyes, continuing to stay quiet.
"And most of all, what is it that you're even gaining out of this?"
And just then, as those words left his mouth, Echidna rushed forward, catching him off guard. Leaning into his body and closing in the distance between the two, her sharp eyes pierced his gaze. Normally, in situations like these, Subaru would be blushing, but fear had a hold of him. After staying silent through Subaru's assault of inquiries, finally, she spoke.
"Everything and anything you experience, what you are meant to do and what you have yet to do, every single thing within this world that would be influenced or directed by your will, by your very existence... I want to see it... I want to feel it."
Subaru clenched his throat. Her manner started to diverge into something he bore witness to only a handful of times. A demeanor befitting for her title...
"W-What the hell do you mean?"
"You don't get it at all do you? The opportunities you hold?"
A passionate smile played over Echidna's lips.
"Your ability unravels everything and anything that is unknown. Your influence halts any and every outcome that taints your ideals and wishes. Even the slightest deviations lead to brand new outcomes! Each re-do, each re-try, each re-run, the very scope of the world itself can all vary in response due to you. Questions such as 'What if I did things differently?' 'What could I have done?' would no longer be fleeting thoughts and dreams out of reach that individuals such as myself sulk over. You have the authority to act on them. You have the blessing to go beyond such regrets!"
Echidna's cheeks continued to burn red as her passion took a hold of her.
"Can't you see? You are boundless. The only thing that holds you back is your ignorance, but that wouldn't be a problem with me by your side. After all, I'm rather confident in my abilities to lead you to the very best future possible for you. Your power is the ideal tool for a seeker such as myself, and my knowledge is the ideal repertoire for a man such as yourself."
Echidna leaned forward, snaking her hands onto his cheek. The distance between the two grew shorter as she advanced towards his him. Her cheeks continued to swell up red, and her breathing pattern sped up in intervals, as her heart thumped with passion."
"This is my desire, my will, my wish, and my vow to you. Only you can satisfy my curiosity, Natsuki Subaru."
Her lips weren't far away from his, the gap between them only growing closer with each second.
But just as those words left Echidna's mouth and before she could pursue her intimate gesture, Subaru giggled.
"Ah.. so that's how it is..."
He gritted his teeth and slanted his head down, refraining from showing his expression to her.
"You know, It's not like I never had it in mind that you wouldn't be secretly evil or something. It's not like I thought you would be entirely good..."
Subaru tilted his head upward, and locked his eyes back onto her.
"But this? This is way more that I can handle..."
A harrowing feeling sunk to the pit of his stomach. Every single word that Echidna uttered felt like a blade dancing within his veins. Subaru wasn't far away from throwing up onto the grass below him.
"...I'm not understanding what the conflict here is. Is something wrong?" Echidna raised a brow.
He launched himself far away from her, tripping over the chair he sat in and nearly falling onto ground.
"Hell yes something is wrong!"
"Every, every little gesture you made towards me... it was all fake wasn't it? All those moments from before, they feel... so hollow to me now."
Subaru gritted his teeth.
"My ability, it's really that interesting to you? Is it really that interesting to inherit the memories of the world and continue pushing despite the pain? Is it really that interesting to you how damn isolated I am with these memories? How far away I am from feeling any sense of peace? Is it really that damn interesting to you to bask within 'what-if's?' and act on them at the cost of ending my own goddamn life?! Huh?!"
Subaru's agitation and indignation thundered throughout his speech. Every single moment that they had shared together, and every single emotion he had experienced because of her, it all felt as if it had collapsed and burned. The taste of deception and betrayal ran rampant within him.
"The world may have restarted, but for me? It's nothing but an extension, and that makes me so tired."
As his throat clenched up, his voice reverted to a softer tone.
"Just because of this damn ability, you're going to use me..?"
She continued to smile at him despite his indignant display. Bearing slight hesitation in parting her lips, she replied to his angst.
"Yes, and you can do the same to me. Whether it's knowledge you seek, guidance you desire, or even comfort you wish for, you can have it all. My mind, my heart, my loyalty, my body. It would belong all to you, just as you would belong to me."
Subaru's expression further sorrowed, as his eyes bathed in despair. Those words, those harrowing and wounding words solidified it all.
Once more, a silence stood between them.
Echidna however, broke that barrier and spoke up.
"I still fail to see where our differences stem from," Echidna retorted.
Subaru's shoulders tensed up.
"Huh?"
Echidna hardened her gaze at him. Her smile dissipated from her face.
"If your wish is to attain the best future possible, you must accept any sacrifices that come your way, correct? Is that not what you had been doing for these past re-does?"
His eyes widened.
"What are y—"
"Have you not been calculating your moves, foreseeing tragedies, and using your allies as chess pieces?"
"Stop."
"Coordinating your speech and timings to line up events for the optimal outcomes?"
"Stop it."
"And—even ending your own life to shy away from an outcome you didn't find desirable."
"Stop it, please."
"As long as the end result is met, the path to getting there doesn't matter. Is that not what you have shown through your actions?
"Stop it, stop it, stop it."
"Those methods you utilize now, how do they differ even in the slightest bit to my offer?"
"I said stop it damn it!"
Echidna's rigid gaze continued to sit still even after his outburst. Just from that display alone, she knew that the words she spoke held an adamant effect on him.
Subaru's eyes glared at her.
"She's nearly the same as him..."
He could feel that man standing beside him. He may not have been there in person, but even still, he remained within Subaru's mind. This very moment felt reminiscent of the words he granted to Subaru.
"You feel no grief over their death."
"That's the problem."
"You feel shock and indignation, but no grief."
"And that's what makes me sick."
That's right, this wasn't the first time one was able to point out Subaru's contradictions, his own decline in his humanity.
"Roswaal that bastard.."
That demented demeanor of his irked Subaru. His ambiguity always came off as frustrating to Subaru, and his inhumanity represented through his actions only furthered that frustration.
"The day will come when you truly catch up to me."
Those words were never meant to be anything of a compliment. To Subaru, especially now, they were nothing short of a warning. A brimming highlight of Subaru's own hypocrisy and negligence that resided within the abyss of his own mind. That, which was was now finally brought up to the surface through Echidna's words.
"I won't become anything like him. There's no way in hell I'll allow that to happen."
But.. how many times had he thought so? How many times had he repeated those words? How many times had he roared that will towards himself and those that challenged him? How many times had he thundered that conviction throughout his many re-does? His words, his speech, and his thoughts. Everything that he committed to up until this point reverberated within his mind. Subaru couldn't help but crack a laugh.
"I'm terrible. I'm such a shitty, terrible hypocrite."
Echidna stared off at Subaru, still withholding a stern gaze. Although, her eyes slightly loosened at hearing his words.
"You're.. right. You're right about everything you said. Your contract—it doesn't sound any different to what I'm doing to myself now."
But there was one part Subaru still held onto despite his current endeavors. There was something that he contained within him that Roswaal and Echidna lacked. Something that he was afraid of.
"But I—"
A light tingle trickled within his mind, almost as if it was a bell attempting to recapture his attention. There was something Subaru was forgetting, wasn't there?
Upon arriving to Echidna's Castle of Dreams, the transition from the cold concrete he lied on to the idyllic azure skies and tranquil green hills felt rather nice. The weight that punctured his mind vanished, and the aching his body endured disappeared almost as if it was a forgotten memory.
Although that feeling may have felt cathartic, there was something Subaru needed to seek within that angst. Subaru needed to recall that pain. He needed to remember every inch of it.
He bit his lips and clenched his eyes tight.
"Behold, an unthinkable present."
His eyes widened in fear in the attempt at even recalling those words, but he couldn't hesitate. Once more, he clutched his eyes shut and grit his teeth.
"Behold, an unthinkable present."
Those images, those scenes, those bodies, it all came back to him. The second trial presented to him by the Sanctuary. The trial that made Subaru peer into a world unknown, a world without him, a world beyond his passing.
To even brush upon the thought that those worlds where Natsuki Subaru didn't live horrified him. It was something he never pondered on, nor wanted to. The intricacies involved with Return by Death never paralyzed his mind. As long as he kept moving forward and pursued what he sought out to do, nothing else mattered. However, the second trial brought that distressing thought to light, and confronted every single instance Subaru died. To Subaru, his deaths and re-does meant nothing but an extension to him. Inheriting the memories of the world and pushing forward despite his agonizing foresight only reminded him of his own isolation. He would be granted another chance at life, restarting again at a "checkpoint." But, what did his death mean for those that were there to witness it? Those that were there to bathe within their sorrow and grief, staring down at the man that impacted their lives?
"I knew you couldn't be that person."
"They were in pain... because of me."
"I wanted to call you a friend."
"They... were crying because of me."
"We had you because we wanted to do something for you."
"They were... happy..? Because of me..?"
"If you're in pain, I want to do something for you."
"They... like me?"
"Show me how awesome you can be, Subaru."
There was his answer, lying around within his own mind, awaiting to be grasped by none other than himself.
No matter how hard Subaru tried to deny it, no matter how hard he tried to dehumanize himself, he was scared. Subaru was scared of getting hurt. Terrified of feeling any discomfort or pain within him. Horrified of seeing those he held dearly to him die, suffer, and hurt, time and time again.
That's right. No matter how many times death brushed upon him, no matter how many times angst and suffering was afflicted onto him or onto others near him—It hurt, deeply, and he would never forget the feeling.
Subaru opened his eyes and exhaled. His expression no longer bathed within dread, but rather, tranquility. A soothing aura played over his mind.
His eyes met with the Witch of Greed still staring off into his expression, expecting a retort back.
And then, a slight smile played over his lips and spoke to her.
"Echidna, I can't take your contract."
Her onyx pupils sharpened at him.
"I may have been on this path of ultimately destroying myself in order to rush towards my goals, but that ends here and now."
Subaru raised his hand up to his face and stared into his palm.
"Heh, even now, Otto's words make so much more sense to me. Hell, almost everyone's words and actions make so much more sense to me. I couldn't understand them because of who I was in those moments, but now? I get it. I completely get it now."
"I thought throwing my life away was the only thing I had going for a sorry, good-for-nothing idiot like myself. But after seeing what lied within that second trial, I think it showed me everything I needed to know."
Subaru locked his eyes back onto Echidna, who was still standing silent at his resolution.
"The truth is, I don't want to die. I hate feeling pain and I hate seeing others in pain. I'm scared of it, I'm terrified of it. And as much as I hate those feelings, it still reminds me that I'm still human. Taking your contract would mean betraying that very thing."
Accepting his resolution, he pressed his hand into his chest.
"That's my answer to you," Subaru smiled at her assuredly.
For a moment, Echidna stared off at Subaru's confident expression. Although irritated, she found his new formulated resilience captivating. She closed her eyes and spoke, giving off an expressionless tone.
"I see. Then, do you have an answer for yourself?"
Upon hearing those words, Subaru's smile grew stronger.
"I may not know what to do now, but I'll work on finding it. The least I can do is try."
The conviction that resonated throughout his mind made him feel at peace. Subaru wasn't consumed by fear at the fact that he lacked a conclusion to follow. He didn't sink into the seas of dread and despair at the fact that a clear path wasn't given to him yet. If anything, it made him feel even happier. While he lacked an answer now, that wasn't to say he wouldn't find it eventually. He joyfully titled his head at Echidna and shined a grin at her.
"And this time around, knowing that I won't have to find it alone makes me feel a little more confident. I find it a little hard to believe even now, but there's people out there that like me... and I want to make sure I repay them in a healthy way."
Echidna squinted her eyes at him, breaking her emotionless expression and displaying a visible sense of agitation.
"That way is lined with nothing but blades and thorns. Accepting my contract and utilizing your ability as a tool would save you from even heavier decisions you would have to make if you walk that path. The only thing you would have to give up is your heart. But to stray away from that and submit yourself to honing both your own heart as well as other people's hearts and futures is nothing but a fa-"
Before she could even finish her statement, Subaru interjected.
"Echidna, the ends don't justify the means. I learned that from the coolest woman in the world. I think I might actually be making some progress on her assignment."
For a moment, her mouth stood still slightly open. Her gaze softened up as Subaru's eyes continued to pierce through her gaze. She closed her eyes and cracked a smile, reverting to her casual demeanor prior.
"I see. Although I may not understand why you would gravitate towards that answer... it still fascinates me."
Subaru sighed, then shined a smile at her.
"It may have not been your intentions, but you really helped. You helped me see the piece I was missing. You've saved me countless times, and for that, I think I should say thank you. I'm grateful."
Echidna could feel Subaru's conviction thunder across her. He stood the same, and looked the same but ultimately, something did change about him. His words held a powerful aura to them. Invigorating, and captivating, it only fueled her curiosity on how much Subaru is capable of. Even his words of gratitude struck her firmly.
She tilted her head and smirked at him.
"You know, you're quite greedy, Natsuki Subaru."
::Author's Note::
Well uh.. this is my first fanfic that I'm uploading onto the site.
After re-watching Re:Zero, I came to really appreciate what Season 2 was attempting to communicate to its audience. In that process, I was thinking "Hm, I think it'd would be pretty interesting for Subaru himself to come to realize the message, rather than Satella being the one to instill it within him." Hence, here I am with a slightly different take on Subaru and Echidna's conversation prior to all the witches showing up.
Dehumanizing yourself to pursue your ideals and goals is one hell of a battle. On one hand you secure making progress in whatever it is you're striving for, but on the other hand it comes at your own health and sanity. This is one of the things Re:Zero tries to communicate, and I think Subaru's mom helps encapsulate this message the best. Never become a slave to your ambitions and aspirations to the point where you forfeit your own inner peace. That's the road to misery.
Anyways enough rambling, I hope you can enjoy what I wrote up here. Please leave comments, I'd greatly appreciate it. I aim to strive and improve, and feedback only helps in the endeavor. Take care folks.