A/N: So as I said, I'm writing this as I go and I swear I have no idea what will turn out of this at the end. I feel the need to explore some things, but I don't know what exactly. This is dark and obviously sad, and I'm sorry for that. It's also a bit messy because that's my current train of thoughts. Thank you all for your wonderful comments, I forgot what it was like to feel appreciated for the junk that I write. Please keep them coming, I need them for my sanity in this crazy world we live in.
"Are you ready for this?" Henry asked, reaching for her hand as they walked into the living room.
Elizabeth wasn't ready. She could never be ready for what she knew was coming. The few days since she was discharged from the hospital were enough time for each of them to dwell on the events of recent times, to think back to all the things that happened recently. They both came to the same conclusion, although separately, that the results won't be what they hoped it would be. They both suddenly realized how fragile everything is, and how they took everything for granted. They never spoke about it. There wasn't much point, and neither wanted to pile on the other with the worry and fear. They dismissed the idea together, but also apart, and each just kept busy with other things. It was easier that way. Easier than to admit out loud what they were both thinking. It was so much to process, and the rest of the world was still hanging on a delicate balance, one Elizabeth had to muster, that there really was no time for anything else to occupy their minds.
They went on with the daily routine, each succumbing to this feeling that every second now felt wasted if not spent together, but also understanding that they didn't know what they were facing, not yet. They would find each other at the end of each day, surrounding themselves in body parts and warm kisses, but never speaking. Not about this.
Elizabeth met his eyes then, a small smile on her lips. He knew she was trying to hold it together. She couldn't break, not in front of anyone other than him. She didn't have the luxury of showing any kind of weakness, not if she wanted to maintain the façade of her title. And no matter how many times he told her that she's only human, he knew fair well that her enemies and haters were just waiting for her to break down, to fall apart and crumble into pieces. They would be to first in line to shout that this is what happens when you elect a female to lead the world. Emotions, messy, ugly emotions, dictate every move and decision. Elizabeth wouldn't let them enjoy this, she would've give in to this stereotype. And Henry didn't push. Behind closed doors, she was still just his wife, and he settled for this. There, she would strip down of all masks and shields, and just be her. The woman he fell in love with so long ago. And if that meant he was the only one to pick up the pieces after a horrible day at work, so be it. He wouldn't have had it any other way.
He tightened his grip of her hand, and she unintentionally leaned closer to him. She needed to feel his presence, the heat of his body next to hers. She wasn't alone; he wouldn't leave her alone.
"Madam President, Dr. McCord," Dr. Lambert called as she walked into the room.
Henry pointed to the empty single sofa chair, and led Elizabeth to the couch in front of it. Dr. Lambert sat slowly, her eyes avoiding theirs. There was no easy way to do what she was about to do, but there was no choice, either. She had to rip off the bandage so that they can start a treatment plan, and get the wheels in motion. This was, like many other things in Elizabeth's life, time sensitive. But even more so than any other event, this was her time. And such precious time, to say the least.
"I'm sorry to be a bearer of bad news," she started, watching the quick shift in their gazes, the way he now clenched her hands. "The biopsy results indicated that you have squamous cell carcinoma. I will need to get a PET CT to determine the stage and consult with an oncologist for a treatment plan according to the results. But for now, I do know for sure that you will need to have a hysterectomy."
Henry and Elizabeth nodded in unison. They will do whatever is needed; she would. She had to beat this thing, she still had so long in her tenure to come down with something that serious that could take her life. And no matter how scary it was, she had to be practical, she needed to have a plan and be told all steps of what was about to happen. Feeling his arm move on her back and wrap around her slim figure, she exhaled slowly. Her mind was already running five steps ahead, but this wasn't something she could control. She was at the mercy of the doctors, and she knew for sure Mike and Russell will get her only the best ones, but it was all there was to it. This was a fight she had to win, but one she didn't have the resources for. There was an entire army ready to go on her command, but not against this enemy. This was all hers, and hers alone.
"Do you know what caused it?" Henry was the one to break the silence. "I mean, is it genetic?"
Dr. Lambert shook her head. "Most likely, not. This is a result of a high risk HPV infection."
Henry sucked a breath and felt his heart tighten in his chest. He felt Elizabeth's eyes on him. He knew for a fact, though she would never admit it, that she was contemplating his faithfulness to her over the years, as she heard the words come on into the open air. He would've felt the same, if he were in her shoes.
"But we haven't…" he couldn't finish this sentence. We haven't done anything wrong; I haven't done anything wrong.
"It's not uncommon, HPV can remain dormant for years, until suddenly it becomes active. You couldn't have known."
Elizabeth nodded, but she felt his body tense against her. While the brief moment where she thought he could've been cheating on her passed the minute the doctor reassured her, she was now fully aware of her words the other night. If I have cancer it can't be your fault, it's not. But as they both processed the news, letting them sink deeper and deeper into their minds, he came to the quick understanding that it was, in fact, his fault. He didn't do anything on purpose, and god knows he didn't know or he would've done something to prevent it, but it was his fault. He could very well lose the love of his life for something that he brought into their home, into their bed, into her body.
They were left alone then. Dr. Lambert excused herself and left the room, knowing fair well they needed privacy.
"Henry…" Elizabeth began to speak, but he abruptly rose from the couch, disconnecting any physical contact with her.
It wasn't logical. At this point, there was nothing more he could do to harm her; she was already sick. But he couldn't bear the thought that this was his doing and he couldn't possibly stay anywhere near her when he so much as brought this on her.
"Baby," she tried again, making her way towards him, only to be answered by him turning his back to her.
It was more painful than the news itself, because all she wanted at that moment was to be wrapped in his arms and held closely to where his heart was beating. She knew he was hurting, she figured him out from miles away. But she needed him so badly and she couldn't live with the idea of him dissolving on her like this, of him leaving her hanging like a leaf in the wind, with no leg to stand on. She didn't want to push, she wouldn't. He needed time to come to terms with what happened, and so did she. She turned around, fixing her appearance and wiping the few stray tears that slid down her cheeks. She grabbed her jacket, and with one last glance at his back, she walked out of the room, leaving him alone with the heaviness that hung in the air.
The moment he heard the door close behind her, Henry fell to his knees, letting out a loud sob and buried his face in his hands. What have I done, he kept saying, over and over again, his sobs filling the room, his stomach in knots and his heart broken. What have I done.
It was in the late hours of the night when she finally walked into their dark bedroom. She didn't expect to find him in their bed. The White House had enough rooms for them to sleep apart if he wanted to, and having left things the way they did earlier that day, she didn't think he would want her presence so close to him that night. But when she walked into the room her eyes landed on him, and even in the darkness she could make out his eyes, staring into space, dreading the unknown.
He inhaled deeply when his nostrils filled with the familiar scent of her, so familiar, but also making his heart jump every single time. Turning his head to meet her, he wasn't surprised when her eyes glistered with tears she has been holding off all day. He was supposed to hold her, be there for her, allow her to break down. But he denied her of that, letting his own feelings get the best of him. He thought countless of times during that day to walk up into her office, pick her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was, but he knew she wouldn't have any of that. He couldn't put her on the spot like that, he couldn't force her to show her hand to the people she worked with, just because he was unable to put her first before.
Elizabeth had to swallow the lump in her throat the moment their gazes locked. If she had known he was going to be there, maybe she would've prepared herself, somehow. Taken by surprise, she immediately looked away and took a step back. Standing up to cancer with him on her side was one thing, understanding that she will have to do it alone, that her marriage of nearly 40 years will come to end because of this, that was an entirely different thing. She couldn't deal with all of this, not today.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know… I will go sleep in a different…"
Jumping out of bed and running towards her, he caught her arm just as she was stepping foot outside the room. He tugged at her, pulling her back inside, making her fall into him as his arms instantly wrapped around her. He felt her shudder then, her body quivering against his, her tears quickly wetting his shirt.
"I'm the one who needs to apologize," he whispered softly in her ear. "For earlier, but also for…" he couldn't say it. For giving you cancer.
"You didn't," she muttered against his chest.
If only he could believe her, if only that were true. "It doesn't matter either," she added, and she felt his heart skip a beat.
Henry moved her from his embrace, needing to look at her when he spoke. He tucked a stray hair behind her ear and his thumb wiped away a tear. "If I lose you, Elizabeth… I can't lose you."
Fresh tears spilled from her eyes. "Then please don't leave."
He winced at her words. There was nothing quite as painful as hearing the fear in her voice. Fear of dying, fear of battling this horrible disease, fear of being left alone. This was his doing, all of it. And while the fact that she was sick was something he couldn't change, not anymore, he could promise her forever. And he would.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said, his fingers gently lifting her chin, asking for her eyes to meet his. "Whatever happens, we're together." There wasn't a time when he didn't mean it, but boy did he mean it now.