CHAPTER 1

Season 1, Age 14*

Beep! Beep! Beep! I groaned as I reached out and smacked the off button on my alarm clock. It was my first day of high school at Carmel High and I was nervous as hell.

I reluctantly got out of bed and went to my closet. I had carefully selected a floral dress and black cardigan to wear the night before, but now I was second guessing myself. First impressions are everything. I scanned my closet several times to see if I could find a better first-day outfit, but to no avail. I sighed in frustration. The dress and cardigan would have to do.

I always try to dress to impress. I always try to do everything to impress. I'm the youngest of four kids - in birth order we are: Edward "Eddie", Margaret "Maggie", Jesse, and me. My full name is Anne Marie St. James but everybody calls me "Annie." Well, just about everybody. Mom and Dad call me Anne most of the time - when they're actually around.

They had only intended to have three children. They got married in the early 1980s. Dad owns his own business and Mom works there as well. They spent a lot of time pre-children traveling, and then Eddie was born in 1988, followed by Maggie in 1990, and Jesse in late 1992. I was born in early 1996. Mom got pregnant with me while she was in the process of scheduling her hysterectomy.

My parents have never liked me much. Most of it is due to the fact that I was unplanned, but I think it also really bothers Mom that I ruined her "baby every two years" pattern.

Eddie has been in and out of rehab due to his struggles with alcoholism and heroin addiction. Maggie is currently in a long term psychiatric hospital due to her struggles with bulimia. Mom and Dad have paid for their treatment and call them every once in a while - even visiting once in a blue moon, but I think deep down they're embarrassed of their mental health struggles. Jesse is the golden child. The last of their "wanted" children and the only one of those children they don't have to visit in a treatment facility. Instead, they get to go watch him dazzle and shine like a fucking star on the stage.

It doesn't help that Jesse and I have the same love: performing. Now that their youngest children are fourteen and almost eighteen and can be dumped at Uncle Rick's (Dad's brother) - they've been doing a lot of traveling again. But when they are in town, they love to go see their precious angel baby boy sing and dance. Of course, any time I have a performance: be it a choir concert, voice recital, dance recital, play, or musical - they've got an excuse at the ready for why they can't make it.

"Sorry Anne Darling," Mom would say. (It's nearly always "Anne Darling," "Jesse Darling," "Margaret Darling," or "Edward Darling" with her - I guess she thinks it's an adequate substitute for actual emotional or physical affection) "Sorry Anne Darling, but Daddy's feeling a bit under the weather so we won't be able to see your show tonight."

I'm not even disappointed anymore. Just numb. Numb to the fact they don't love me and wish I'd never been born. I've just accepted it. What does bother me is Jesse.

You see, Jesse is very talented. And boy does he know it. He's not humble in the least. He always has to one up me, too. In the sixth and seventh grade musicals I got cast in the ensemble but was the understudy for the lead both times.

"That's nice," he told me after I was cast as Belle's understudy in Beauty and the Beast in seventh grade. "But in seventh grade I was cast as Oliver in Oliver! They didn't even cast an understudy because they couldn't even find someone who was second best. All the other boys sucked too much to cover for me as Oliver. Thank God I didn't get sick - they would've had to cancel the whole show."

I mean, Jesse really was Oliver in seventh grade but I'm pretty sure he was bullshitting the understudy part. It would be nice if just once he could say something nice about my performing abilities instead of belittling me. One time, when I was absentmindedly singing Les Mis in the shower, I was startled by a knock at the door.

"You're flat!" Jesse practically hollered from the hallway. He walked away before I could tell him to fuck off.

I snapped back to reality. I needed to get moving if I wanted to make it to the bus stop on time. Uncle Rick had to go in to work early and there was no way in hell I was going to ride to school with Mr. Perfect. I quickly got dressed, ate my usual whole wheat toast with raspberry jam, brushed my teeth and hair, and headed for the bus stop, my monogrammed leopard print backpack and lunchbox in tow.

It was a gorgeous morning - definitely still summer. I wished I could spend the day in my hammock out back with a book instead of in classrooms learning about algebra and civics. I sighed. The bus soon pulled up and I hopped on. My best friend Serena was sitting towards the back. She eagerly waved me over. I hadn't seen her for a week, as she had been in Indiana visiting her grandparents.

I sat down next to Serena and set my backpack in my lap.

"Hey, girl! How are you?" She asked me enthusiastically.

I shrugged. "Fine."

"How's your uncle?"

I smiled. "He's good." While my parents may not have cared all that much about me, Uncle Rick loved me like his own child - Jesse, Eddie, and Maggie, too. He and Aunt Beth, who had died in a car accident two years earlier, had never been able to have kids of their own. He loved having so many nieces and nephews: four from my dad, and three from his and Dad's sister, Wanda. When my parents asked him and Beth if we could stay with them while they traveled they immediately said yes.

"Have you heard from Maggie or Eddie in a while?" she asked gently.

"Rick took me to visit Maggie last weekend. Her face lit up when she saw me and she gave me the biggest hug. Her doctor and therapist say she's doing a little better but there's still a long road ahead of her. I talked to Eddie on the phone a couple nights ago. It sounds like he's still having a pretty hard time with…everything." I swallowed. Maggie and I were pretty close before she left and Eddie and I had always been cool. He was in college when he started using drugs and prior to that, he would sometimes take me to the movies when he visited home.

I often wondered how different things would be if my sister and oldest brother never got sick. It would be nice to actually have older siblings who loved and supported me. Before I could pull myself together, tears came to my eyes.

Serena put an understanding hand on mine.

"What about Jesse?" She asked slowly.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Still a dick," I replied. Serena laughed, too. Years ago, Serena had had the biggest crush on Jesse. It got to the point where she told me she was going to be my sister-in-law one day. I had told her about how he treated me, but she had never actually seen this until one fateful day when she witnessed his dickishness firsthand. I can't remember exactly what was said but I do remember crying and telling him I hated him. Serena said that day her crush instantly vanished and I was grateful for that. Truly, God help the woman who one day marries that asshole.

Soon, we pulled into the Carmel High parking lot.

"Here we go!" Serena said, practically squealing. "Freshman year!"

"Yep," I replied. I loved Serena, but she was so enthusiastic about everything. Seriously. In middle school, they replaced the red cafeteria tables with blue ones and she might as well have had confetti in her pockets.

As for me, I wasn't so sure. I was a little excited but also nervous as hell. "Here goes nothing" I thought, as I followed the other students off the bus.