CHAPTER 4

Season 2, Age 15*

"Good job, Annie - lift those arms just a little higher!" My dance instructor, Raquel prompted. I did so.

It felt good to be back in the studio. Raquel had been out for nearly two months helping out her recently widowed sister, who had just given birth only a few days prior to her husband's death. Since there was nobody I'd rather learn from besides Raquel, I put ballet on hold while she was out.

I had been taking dance lessons since I was three - and for ten years I was in the group lessons. I didn't mind being in a class with the other girls - most were nice, and the classes could only have a maximum of eight students - so it wasn't as though I felt crowded or anything - I just decided at thirteen that I wanted to have an instructor who could devote all their time and attention on me for that 45 minutes. After talking to Uncle Rick and then Mom and Dad (who would be footing the bill) it was decided that I could.

I didn't think they'd say no - they pay for all of mine and Jesse's lessons or anything else we ask for, not to mention, particularly in my case, giving their immediate approval would help keep me out of their hair for a while. Still, Rick stressed the courtesy of asking anyway.

Raquel was great - supportive, offered me lots of praise - but wasn't afraid to give me a verbal kick in the ass when needed. If she ever felt like I was slacking (which was rare, but did happen once in a while) - I was promptly chided and soon back on my A-game.

I was grateful to have Melissa and Raquel in my life - as well as the various choir and theatre directors I'd worked with over the years. Their professional opinion on my techniques - both praise and critique alike - certainly helped make me a better performer. However, I secretly longed to be able to go to Jesse for that kind of stuff, too.

He was full of criticism - that was for certain. But I wouldn't mind it so much if it was actually constructive instead of condescending and harsh. Most of all however, I just wanted him to tell me that I did a good job or that he was proud to call me his little sister.

I shook my head as though to physically force those thoughts out of my brain. "Anne Marie St. James - you're being ridiculous. That is never happening. Jesse may be your brother biologically but that's where it ends. He doesn't give a shit about you and never will!" I mentally scolded myself.

"Annie," Raquel's voice brought me back to reality.

"I'm sorry Raquel - I just…" I started, expecting to get reprimanded for lack of focus…and now, making excuses.

But Raquel's facial expression was soft and a bit worried.

"Are you okay?" Raquel asked, reaching out to touch my hand. Oh, God, here came the waterworks.

"I'm fine…I just…I'm stressed with school and exams coming up since it's almost the end of term and -" I lied, my eyes brimming with tears. Why did I always do this? I appreciated that Serena, Melissa, Raquel, and others cared enough to ask if I was really okay but did I seriously need to have a breakdown every time?

"You're not telling me the truth," Raquel said. "Come, sit," she said, directing me to two chairs off in the corner of the studio.

I obeyed.

"Is it your brother?" She prompted.

I nodded, then looked down.

"Seriously - the way he's treating you is unacceptable. Have you talked to your parents about it?"

"I used to try. But they're hardly ever home these days and he's their golden child anyway," I answered, uncomfortably shifting in my seat.

"Oh. Well, what about your uncle?" Raquel asked.

"I've tried talking to him, too. And I know he's talked to Jesse about it but that just seemed to make things worse. Jesse said I was acting like a baby and a tattletale and all this other stuff. Usually what works best is just avoiding him as much as I can. Plus, he'll be graduating in a few months and he's going to school all the way in California."

Raquel nodded slowly. "Annie, obviously your well-being is more important than dance. But you're clearly upset enough that what's going on with Jesse is affecting your performance. Do you think you need to take a little break from dancing for a while?"

My eyes widened and the tears started to come back. "No, no," I practically whispered. "This is somewhere where I can get away from him for a while. I love it - and I missed it so much while you were gone. I'm sorry Raquel, I'll do better at concentrating. I promise."

Raquel smiled and put her hand on mine. "I wasn't suggesting that as a punishment, Annie," she said. "I missed you too. And you're doing very well. I just thought, maybe a temporary break could help you from an emotional and mental standpoint."

I shook my head. "Continuing to dance will help me much more I think. I just need to forget about him completely when I'm here and focus on dancing only."

Raquel smiled again. "'Atta girl," she took my chin in her hands. "You know I'm here for you if you need me, right?"

I nodded and couldn't help but smile slightly myself. "Yes, Raquel."

"Good," she opened her arms for a hug, which I graciously accepted.

"You rest up," she instructed, rubbing my back a little. "And I'll see you here next Friday for another session?"

"Yes ma'am," I said, not wanting the hug to end. I hugged my friends, and Melissa, and of course, Uncle Rick - as well as Maggie when I saw her. But I couldn't recall ever hugging Jesse - and on the rare occurrence that Mom and Dad were home, all we ever really got for them was an awkward pat on the shoulder. Raquel's hugs were the best though - so warm, so genuine, so safe - and so maternal. I loved them, but they also made me long for an alternate reality where I actually had a healthy relationship with all of my immediate family members.