CHAPTER 8

Season 6, age 19*

I stared out the window of my apartment - I had only just recently moved out of my uncle Rick's house, and it had been a whole year since I graduated high school.

I had wanted to go to Carnegie Mellon - Rick had even taken me to tour the campus. I did want to eventually move to New York to pursue a career on Broadway (and ultimately get the hell out of Ohio) but first I wanted to further my education.

Of course, college was expensive - especially Carnegie Mellon. I decided to stay in Ohio for the time being and save up. I got a full-time job working in the box office at a local theatre that I had performed at many times throughout middle and high school.

Being behind the scenes of a theatre made me really miss being on the stage. It had been a year since the last show I was in - Carmel's spring production of Annie Get Your Gun. Coincidentally, I was cast as Annie. It was my first lead in a high school show and an incredible experience. Closing night, Rick came and I was surprised to see Jesse sitting next to him in the audience.

I couldn't remember the last time Jesse had come to see me perform. I'm certain that following the show, Jesse had plenty of thoughts on my performance - and hadn't been afraid to share them. I remember wincing at the thought of talking to him afterwards. But when I made my way to the lobby after the curtain call, only Rick was there. Jesse had gone back to New York (this was around the time he moved there).

I was extremely baffled - I wasn't even aware he had been planning on coming to Ohio. Had he only come to see me perform? That made no sense. He detested me and that was one hell of a drive. Maybe he had been visiting friends (Rachel?) and decided to come? But regardless of his reasons - he had been there.

Speaking of Jesse, he was back in Ohio for the summer. A friend of his had written a musical and asked Jesse to help choreograph and direct the dancing/vocals.

And I was auditioning.

I missed the stage. But the biggest reason, as much as I hated to admit it, was because it might be the last time to once and for all prove to my brother that I was a worthy performer. It's pathetic, I know - had I learned nothing over the past nineteen years?

I decided to audition with "The Music and the Mirror" from A Chorus Line. Cassie is a dream role of mine - has been for as long as I can remember. But the song had a bigger meaning - like me, Cassie had been out of a job for a while and missed performing. She just wanted to prove to Zach, who she was singing to/auditioning for, that she was capable of that job, that part.

I'd been practicing for two weeks - usually I only prepped for an audition in about three days. My apartment had paper-thin walls, so while I sang the song quietly to myself at home, Melissa had been working with me on it in her studio, too - and there I could really sing out.

The audition was tomorrow and I had never felt more nervous. What if I fainted right there in front of Jesse? He'd never let me live that one down. I needed to relax. I drew a hot bath, tossed in a lavender bath bomb, put on some jazz music, lit a candle, turned off the lights and climbed in.

"Don't think about the audition," I thought. "Just relax. There will be plenty of time to think about it tomorrow." I was able to forget about it for a while - but then my mind started racing and I was running through all the possible outcomes in my head.

What if I forgot the words? What if Jesse took one look at me and told me to get the hell out? What if I started crying in front of him? I shook my head. "Anne Marie St. James - just stop! You're only making your nerves worse!" I scolded myself, as I pulled the plug.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my pajamas and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to an email from Tyler, Jesse's friend who had written and was directing the musical.

Good morning, auditioners,

Unfortunately, I am feeling under the weather today. Auditions this morning and afternoon will be hosted solely by my friend and co-director, Jesse St. James. Jesse will be filming them so I can review the footage later.

Kind regards,

Tyler Baker

Oh, terrific! So it was just going to be Jesse and me in that audition room - and I'd be filmed so any screw-ups would be captured on camera.

I absentmindedly ate my toast - only managing a few nibbles. I had no appetite whatsoever. I gave up on breakfast and headed for my bedroom to get dressed.

The audition was only going to consist of singing and a brief cold read from the script. It was at the callback that Jesse would teach some of his choreography and those vying for a part would have to demonstrate their dancing skills.

I decided on a comfortable but pretty gingham dress with a white cardigan. Had I needed to actually dance, I would've picked something easier to move in, but since I didn't: gingham it was.

My audition was at 11. It was a little after 9. Just under two hours before I potentially made a fool of myself in front of Jesse, Tyler, and who knows who else if they ended up posting the footage online.

What the hell was I doing? A little nerves were normal and healthy but this was ridiculous. I had auditioned many times before - I had also sung in front of Jesse many times before. This wasn't my first rodeo by any means but…still, I had my doubts.

At 10:15, I got into my car and drove to the theatre. It was fifteen minutes away - if traffic was cooperative I would get there with a half hour to spare. Normally I felt that fifteen minutes would suffice, but in this case I wanted to be extra prepared - my tardiness would be something Jesse could hold over my head, and he would, too.

I arrived at the theatre and double checked to make sure I had everything I needed: my headshot, resume, sheet music and audition form. I had a plastic document holder that I used for such occasions. Everything was there, but I was shaking like a leaf.

"Relax," I told myself. I took a sip of water and headed for the front door.

I took a seat in the lobby and tried to busy myself with the crossword puzzle book I had in my bag. At 11:00, the audition room door opened a crack and I heard my brother's voice say, "next!"

I wish I had taken a picture of the look on his face when he saw me. When I signed up for auditions online, it put me in as "Anne S." I always used my given name for auditions, and "Anne S" is generic enough that he likely didn't make the connection. Good - it was nice to see him thrown off like that.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. His tone wasn't critical, just curious.

"I'm auditioning for the musical," I replied. For once I wasn't trying to be a smartass. I didn't understand his question. What else would I be doing here?

I guess that answer sufficed because Jesse simply nodded. "I see. Well, come in, we're already a little behind."

The audition room had an X on the floor about six feet from the table where the director would sit. I went over, stood on it, and found myself looking at Jesse eye-to-eye.

"Did you bring sheet music?" I heard a voice from the corner ask. It scared the shit out of me.

I saw none other than Brad sitting at the piano. Brad was the accompanist for the McKinley high Glee club - I'd never actually met the guy but I'd seen him at competitions and whatnot. This must've been a relatively recent gig for him.

"Oh, yes, I'm so sorry!" I quickly went over to my bag, retrieved the music and handed it to Brad. I stole a glance at Jesse. He was smirking a bit.

"There it is," I thought. He was reveling in the fact that I had already fucked up. Brad began to play and I took my position. I sang my 32 bars and then Jesse handed me a scene from the show. I read the part of the female lead, Violet, and he read the part of the male lead, Jason. After we had concluded, Jesse set down his paper and looked at me.

"All right, thank you, Annie," he said. "The callback list should go out within the next 48 hours. We'll be in touch."

"Thank you," I said. I grabbed my bag and started to leave.

"Wait! Did you want this back?" Brad called as I was about to leave the room.

"You can keep it," I said. I have no idea why - probably because I was relieved to have the audition over with and just wanted to get the hell out.

"Yay," Brad said under his breath.