Trauma and Repressed Memories

So, back in Chapter 26, as well as Season 1, Episode 7, ("Below the Fur Coat"), Haru mentions that Louis always had a sad and lonely look during intimacy. While reasons for this may have been implied later on, what if they were only part of the reason? What if his intimacy issues were due to something more deep and traumatic from his past? I based this story off of research I did for PTSD and sexual abuse. And what I found that can affect one's intimate life.

A fair warning. This story contains mentions of sexual assault and trauma, and it may hit close too home for many. I tried not to go too much into explicit detail though.

This is my first fanfic in five years, as life got in the way during that time. But here's hoping this one comes out fine. I apologize if some things don't line up continuity wise.

"I'm sorry Haru, I just can't right now." Louis says as he throws the covers to the side and reaches down for his pants.

"Louis, what's wrong?" asks Haru sounding concerned.

Louis grabs his pants and begins to put them back on. "It's nothing, okay!"

"Louis, this is the third time this week we've tried to have sex and both times you get this sudden sad and lonely look in your eyes followed by you stopping everything in the middle and walking out on me."

"I was trying to make it work for the both of us, I just didn't want to disappoint you"

"Louis if there's something you need to tell me…"

Louie then puts his hands up to his forehead "I said no, okay?! You just wouldn't understand!"

"Understand what? Responded Haru, her ears lowering.

"I just can't tell you."

"Louis, you can tell me anything, please don't feel ashamed or afraid."

Louis takes a few deep breaths. "I'm afraid that you and everyone else will look down upon and feel sorry for me."

Haru sighed. "Okay Louis, if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can tell me but I swear no one else will know."

"You promise?"

"Yes!"

"Swear on it!" said Louis sternly.

"I swear on it" answered Haru.

"Okay. Well, during the first time we were trying to have sex, I suddenly felt a sense of danger and a sense to stop the intimacy. As well as a sense of being ashamed of what I was doing."

"Ashamed? Louis what was so shameful of us getting intimate?"

"It was like, I don't know if something got triggered in me or what. That wasn't the worst part. Later that night, I had this terrible nightmare about when I was imprisoned as a child in the Black Market and….." Louis' voice suddenly trailed off.

"Louis? Louis what is it?" asked Haru with concern in her voice.

What seemed like minutes went by before Louis responded. "In my dream, I'm a child, around four or five years old in a cell all by myself. Suddenly, a dark figure appears in front of the cell. I can't make out exactly what type of species but I know it's a female just by her voice. But she opens the door and tells me something along the lines of "come with me". I follow her into this dark room, and along the way other children in the area suddenly start to stare at me weirdly while I'm walking alongside her. She then leads me into this dark room, and that's where she starts to caress her hands all over my body and also tries to strip me of my clothes. That's when I wake up, and notice I'm covered in sweat with my heart racing. I also notice I have an erection. It's been the exact same type of dream I had after the next two times we tried and failed to get intimate. My reactions to waking up have also been the same."

"Louis" said Haru, who then proceeded to cover her mouth.

"Yeah?"

"If I didn't know any better, I think you've been suppressing trauma. The way you describe someone touching you inappropriately in your dreams. How you try to flee intimacy in the middle of it. Not to mention how I could see in your eyes something's bothering you."

"But how could it be bothering me if I developed an erection? Doesn't that mean I probably liked what happened?" he said in a slightly raised tone while also simultaneously blushing.

"No Louie it doesn't. That's a normal bodily and physiological reaction. It's involuntary, and you have no control over that."

"The monster in my dream though, she had a woman's voice. I was guessing if it was truly wrong that a woman was doing it to me"

"It doesn't matter who it is Louie!" said Haru her voice slightly elevating. "It doesn't matter what gender it is, abuse is abuse!"

"I see" replied Louis in a calmer voice as his blush faded.

"Louis, have you seen a counselor or a therapist? I think that would help you greatly"

"No! That'll make me look weak!"

"Getting help isn't a sign of weakness, in fact it's the exact opposite. It makes you stronger."

Louie gasped "What?"

"We all need help in life at times, we can't always solve our problems on our own."

Louis slowly nodded his head.

"Louis, if you get help, you won't only be helping yourself. You'll be helping me as well."

"Fine. I'll see a counselor or therapist, but under the condition that no one, not even those closest to us can know about any of this. At least not yet anyway."

Haru then smiled, tears glistening in her eyes. "Thank you Louis."

Louis then stood up, and put his shirt back on. He proceeded to walk towards the door of Haru's place. He then grabs the handle, but before he can turn it…

"Haru."

"Yeah Louis?"

"Thank you. Thank you so much for this talk we had today. I felt it helped me prepare for when I talk with the counselor or therapist" he said while still facing the door.

Louis then turns the handle, opens the door and walks out. He then closes the door behind him and can audibly be heard by Haru going on his way. But not before Haru notices something that she felt her mind was just playing tricks on her. Yet, she could've sworn her eyes saw it clearly right before Louis closed the door.

Did….. Louis just smile at me?

She sure hoped so.

Okay, so here was my one shot that I spent around the last few weeks working on after getting interested in this series. Hope this came out well, and hope the continuity and characters weren't too far off.