Ut iterum renascendi
The World Ends With You
Pairings: Neku/Joshua (can be taken either romantic or friendship)
Warnings: Implied Character death?
Notes: a character study into Joshua. That's all. Joshua is Harry reincarnated. Probably. Even he doesn't know. The author doesn't know either. Title means To be reborn again.
Disclaimer: I do not own The World Ends With You.
Chapter count: 1/1
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As he sits on top of Mark City with his dear partner, he finally relaxes. Relaxes from the dreams, the stress of running Shibuya, of trying to please the Higher Plane, everything. All he's wanted for years is right here, Shibuya is thriving, and a new addition in recent years: Neku is here, and everything is fine. More than fine, wonderful and yet...All his thoughts wash over him, unsettling his internal peace. He tries to correct this, picking out pieces, reshuffling others, rearranging them...
"Hey, Joshua?" The voice of his precious Neku brings him out rearranging his thoughts and he stops. He then focuses on Neku. His beautiful perfect Neku.
"Hmmm?" He hums noncommittally. Don't alarm Neku, don't scare him, he repeats. Neku is more easily startled.
"Is something wrong?" Neku asks. Oh, Neku. What makes you think anything is wrong, my Neku? He's happier than he's been in a long time because of Neku.
"What makes you think that?" He replies, voicing some of these thoughts to Neku. But these thoughts, a small voice in the back of his head reminds him, aren't the ones bothering him. The dreams...
"I've been trying to talk to you for the last 10 minutes. I know you and I know this isn't you, Joshua." So maybe he was being a bit oblivious. Or it was just Neku being lucky. He can never tell with him.
"What did you want to talk about, Neku?" Well now it must have been important. Or Neku just wants to talk.
"Well now I want to know what you were thinking about. Usually you never stop paying attention to me." Well that's true. Everything about Neku is fascinating to him. But does he want to share? Does he want to let Neku see that much of him, how truly vulnerable he is?
"I thought you liked me paying less attention to you." He responds back flirty. He doesn't want to tell Neku everything. It would worry Neku. Why would he want to worry Neku? He already has before. But, the small voice goes, Neku still trusts you. Let's repay some of that trust.
"Joshua. You can tell me. I don't mind." So innocent his Neku. Why must he be like this? He only wants to protect Neku. But he knows how stubborn he can be. Neku isn't going to forgot this if he doesn't tell him now. And maybe he does want to let someone in that far, let someone understand him completely.
"Are you truly sure you want to know?" He doesn't want to force Neku into anything. After all in only a few futures, does this conversation happen and he doesn't want to ruin what they have. Sometimes he still can't believe Neku wants to be with him. He truly doesn't deserve the brilliance that is Neku. Maybe Neku would understand if he told him, they are similar after all.
"Yes. I'm sure Josh." Neku replies back confidently. What did he do to deserve such trust from someone such as Neku? Well now he can't lie. Not to Neku. Can't hide anyway. If this relationship is going to work, they need to completely trust one other. This is a good thing, right?
"So you know that I could see the UG while I was alive?" Neku nods staying as quiet as he can which he appreciates. Trying to tell him is difficult but Neku is making it easier. "When I started having this dreams, I could see the UG and the more these dreams happened the more I could see. Even back then I could tell the dreams weren't normal. After all who dreams of strange places and people and gains the ability to see the dead." He then lets out a self-loathing laugh. He doesn't know how far he should let Neku in. Neku barely knows anything about him. Then again, he muses, Neku is the person who he trusts the most. If he doesn't tell Neku, who would he tell? No one else has gotten this close to him in so long.
"Is this why you became Composer?" Neku asks. While it might not be the question he expected, he does understand where Neku is coming from. Not fitting in the RG led to staying in the UG, he assumes Neku can understand that. But how he got to the UG might be harder for Neku to understand. Does he want to explain that? That feeling of not belonging, of being silently judged by everyone. It has been so long that the only people left who would know him from that time would be people in the UG or the Higher Plane if he talked to anyone besides Sanae. Of course Neku would probably permanently end up in the UG soon as his Conductor. He's seen it in several futures. And even if he doesn't, the Higher Plane might notice Neku soon. After what happened with Shiba, Kubo and the Long Game, they would have to be fools not to notice all of his wonderful potential.
"Partially," he says, "but not all of it." gauging Neku's reaction. Neku, his precious Neku, looks lost in thought, as though what he told him holds the answers to the universe. Though, he figures, perhaps it does to Neku given how it is information about him. Then that small treasonous part of his mind comments that he should talk to Neku more.
"Is there anything else?" Neku finally asks. He debates either or not to just not share anymore, but he's already started talking and maybe it would be nice to finally tell someone. The small voice which suspiciously sounds like Sanae tells him how nice it is to talk to people. He tries to ignore it with practice.
"Most of these scenes take place in this castle. For the lack of better words, this castle seems magical-"
"I'm sorry, a magical castle?" Neku interrupts.
"That's what I said dear." Neku blinks."What's so weird about that?"
"I don't- What's wrong with that? Joshua!"
"Yes, Neku?" Instead of getting upset or annoyed like he expected, Neku simply sits, breathes, and then opens his eyes.
"Never mind." Neku simply says. He quirks an eyebrow but stays quiet.
"Well anyways as I was saying, the castle seems magical and so do the people inside it." He really doesn't have much to say depending on how Neku reacts. After all it is just the setting nothing more.
"Anything else?" Neku asks surprisingly calmly but his mind is anything but calm.
"There's this one scene in particular that seems to be the last scene and every time I see it I feel like that everything is done," he can tell that Neku wants to ask how he can tell but he holds his tongue, "The scene consists of the person's point of view and a figure more powerful than the Higher Plane,"
"More powerful than the Higher Plane?" Neku asks so very confused and naive.
"Far as I can tell, the figure seems to be the final authority on the afterlife in the dreams." He says trying to detach, trying not to get lost in the emotions, the feelings of the scene.
"Wonderful. So after he defeats the main villain, he ends up in this land between life and death. Not like the UG." He adds after he sees Neku about to ask that same question. It's what led him to become Composer; the desire to figure out more, to figure out why him. Neku stays silent and lost in his own thoughts.
"Neku?" He asks softly to hopefully not startle him. Letting Neku figure out what happened is great but he wants to tell him more, to help him see the bigger picture and he can't do that if Neku isn't paying attention.
"Yes?" Neku asks as he makes eye contact. He then makes a decision.
"Regardless of how adorable you look right now, there is more to tell. Do you want to hear more?"
"Yes." Neku replies back confidently.
"Glad to hear it. The figure decides to ask him to help another dimension. He accepts knowing there is nothing left for him in his home dimension." He ends on a sober note. Not exactly the most pleasant thing, remembering how someone condemns themselves to death to help other people.
Those words combined with him holding onto Neku causes Neku to suddenly clench his head in his hands. Joshua panics a bit, maybe more than a bit, and softly rubs Neku as he asks what happened?
"I don't know. But there was a weird flash." Something about this seems more than what Neku is saying. He doesn't want to cause Neku to be any more hurt than he already is, or what just happened, but he has to know.
"Was there anything about this that seemed unusual?" He hums while holding Neku like he is a piece of glass. Then again he is, he is, after all, only human regardless of what he wishes. Neku only wants to be human, he keeps reminding himself more in the recent days, that regardless of what he wishes, Neku only wants to be human.
"Yeah," Neku responds dryly, he summons a glass of water and pushes it up to Neku who takes a sip and then continues, "It was like a flash of memory. I can't explain but it reminds me of when I was remembering how I died." He unintentionally winces. He has learned from the Long Game and doesn't want to do that again. And all because of Neku.
"...That sounds uncomfortable," he eventually settles on. Talking about what he did to Neku with Neku never ends well. He doesn't want to discuss it, discuss what drove to him to that choice. He doesn't want Neku to leave him, he realizes, despite how selfish and human it is.
"That's all you can come up with?" Now Neku is openly staring at him, "You can flirt with me constantly, successfully get the rest of my friends except Rhyme to hate you, and deal with the UG but you can't actually talk with me about what happened in the Long Game?" Neku is looking at him like he is the center of the universe and the greatest enigma at the same time and he likes it. He likes Neku's attention solely on him. He always has. Having someone care about him is... nice and not something he is used to. He should probably answer Neku's question; Neku does have a habit of worrying when he doesn't answer immediately.
"I-I rather not talk about it," he stutters, revealing his real voice and letting Neku hear the real him. How tired he is and how long he has been Composer, everything he hasn't shared with another person before.
"Joshua?" Neku asks hesitantly. It's like he's scared but he can't be. Neku isn't scared of him, is he? Or he's worried? He does have difficulty predicting Neku's reactions and just Neku generally.
"Neku, what's wrong?" He asks in hopes of getting an answer without going into his mind. Neku prefers when he talks to him instead of just reading minds. And he's trying, he's trying so hard for Neku, but it's hard sometimes and this is one of those. He only wants to help Neku, maybe Neku wouldn't notice if he just-
"Joshua," Neku sighs, "Why are you in my head? And why are you acting like this?" He doesn't quite know how to explain it. Explain not only the dreams but his RG life, his parents, always disapproving of him, her, and what happened when he left.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Neku asks softly. And he can't- Neku's so soft and precious and then there's him. Why does Neku want to know what's wrong with him? He's tried to hide that from him, not wanting to worry him, not wanting to cause anyone to worry about him.
"If you don't want to, I understand." Neku continues softly. And he can't. He knows he's weak to Neku and that breaks him. He'll tell Neku if Neku lets him talk, lets him explain what happened, why he is like this.
"It's long. But the dreams play a significant role. In the end he was convicted to another dimension to help by Death. But before that his life wasn't good. It seems by the end that he has few people he could trust. Among them, a woman with a strange relationship with reality, a bookworm, and a man who grew into his strength and confidence to help his friends." He does feel oddly attached now. In explaining this story and it's residents to Neku.
"Why did Death ask him?" Is the only question Neku asks. He's so obviously overwhelmed but is still trying to figure everything out. His Neku, so smart, so clever. He'll figure it out soon. Just like he did. He'll never forgot that. The moment he realized that he and that strange man were one in the same person.
"He had due to a series of events I am not fully familiar with become the Master of Death." He says even though he doesn't understand what that means. Just because he might be that person doesn't mean he knows everything in relationship to him. But somehow Death gave him a second chance. And look what he had done with it. Managed to try erase Shibuya, his city, and kill Neku, his proxy but so much more than that. He never should have gotten that second chance.
"What's wrong?" Neku asks suddenly. He turns to look at him but can't figure out how to explain. And just like Neku knew what he was thinking, he says, "You know, regardless of what you did, I never hated you." and it feels like a weight is coming off his chest. That regardless of what he did, Neku still cares about him and that means more than it should.
"I-I. Thank you Neku." He says simply. Neku just looks at him so confused. But Neku decides to continue talking about their earlier discussion topic.
"What's the Master of Death and why do you keep dreaming of this?" Of course, Neku would worry about him. Neku is special unlike everyone else. No one else even cares including Sanae and he's known Sanae the longest out of everyone in the UG. He wants to tell Neku the truth but he doesn't know what that means. If he told Neku the answer to the second question, how would he react? For the first time in a long time he's scared. He's scared to know how Neku would react and the chance involved with each reaction. He tries to reason to tell Neku based on how he would reply, he reminds himself Neku has surprised him before.
"...I don't know what the Master of Death is or what it means. ... I believe that the reason I keep seeing this person's life through dreams is because this person is my past life." He gives Neku a chance of process all of this. He can clearly the gears turning in Neku's head and instead of interrupting his thought process, he instead runs his fingers though his hair giving him time to gather his own thoughts.
"Joshua?" Neku asks abruptly. He quickly scans Neku's Music, anything that could cause him to act like this and he finds nothing. Only a sense of peace and serenity mixed with curiosity. So pretty.
"Yes, what is it Neku?" He's curious to know what his Neku wants of him. And why Neku isn't panicking like the everyone else. He remembers when he tried to tell Sanae shortly after he became Composer and he thought that he had become insane from the Composer powers. After that, he never tried again until now.
"So if you are in fact this person, then why don't you know almost anything about him?" Ah, there it is. The thing he has been wondering about himself. Honestly, he doesn't fully know. Should he just admit that to Neku? And somehow his mouth says that and he didn't mean to and now Neku is looking at him and-
"I thought you were omniscient." Neku jokes bumping their shoulders together.
"Only semi." He jokes back and it's light. Everything is fine now. Having someone else know him is making everything light.
"Do you care about these dreams?" Neku asks hesitantly, scattered while grabbing onto his hand.
"Not really," he admits, "When I was younger, sure but not no so much. After all I have you. And you are worth so much more than some half remembered scenes." He grabs Neku's hand and softly rubs it.
"So are you." Neku says back and they simply hold each other as the night goes on.