In The Spirit of Honesty
A/N: This just kinda came to me and I wanted to get it out of my head, so I wrote it down. Set in Dharmatimes. It's a bit more mature than I normally write… muahaha. (Also, if you're into this kinda thing, check out LornaCat's stuff! She's incredible.) Enjoy!
—-
James and Juliet walked home from the fourth of July party, both feeling warm, tired, and deliciously buzzed. Every few steps their fingers would brush, and each time their hearts would skip a beat at the electricity ignited from the contact.
James felt painfully confused. Sure, he and Juliet had become friends the last few weeks, but these feelings were out of the blue and completely unexpected. It had only been a month since he'd last laid eyes on Kate, and though he had made his peace with things ending between them, was that really enough time to start liking someone new? What the hell did he even know about love, anyway? So, how should he know how long it took to get over someone you thought you were in love with? Even though these questions plagued him, they did nothing to dissuade the crush he'd developed as of late.
Juliet, meanwhile, was terrified. All these feelings ever seemed to lead to were heartbreak, misery, and more self-doubt than she had the energy for. And yet, she couldn't fucking help herself. It made her angry if she stopped to think about it too much - not having the kind of control over her emotions that she'd been practicing for so long. Why couldn't they just be friends? Why did her stomach have to twist every time she saw his dimples? Why couldn't she dream about guys like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or any other unattainable man - why the hell did it have to be him in her dreams most nights?
But as much as she rebelled against the idea of being with him…she also couldn't help but yearn for it. Everything about him was different from men she was normally attracted to. And being on this island (still) and stuck in the 70s with hardly anyone to talk to? It made her pretty damn lonely. But as they approached the front porch of the house they shared with Jin and Miles, and he casually, gallantly opened the door for her before flashing her one of his signature GQ grins? Oh yeah. She could completely lose herself in this man if she wasn't careful - she was doomed for sure.
"My lady," he crooned, opening the door.
"Why thank you, kind sir," she said back with a shy giggle. She stepped into the dark house and drunkenly felt around for the lightswitch. James stepped in behind her and shut the door. He reached out and gently put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer to him, her back to his chest.
As they connected, all the breath left her lungs in one swift movement. He felt hot against her back. For a moment, she tensed, not knowing what to do, but she couldn't help but melt into his heat.
"What are you doing?" she whispered into the dark. He moved his arms so they wrapped around her ribcage.
"Huggin' you," he whispered back, though he didn't know why they were whispering.
"But why?"
"I dunno. Cuz I want to. That okay?"
She shut her eyes as his warm breath tickled the spot just below her right ear. "Mmmhmm," was all she managed to get out. As if they were separate from the control of her brain, her hands began to stroke his forearms.
Juliet smelled like sunshine. And berries. And something kind of minty. He could barely help himself when he started to feel his jeans tighten. Apparently, she felt it too, because she immediately pulled away.
"James, we can't," she chastised, still whispering for some reason.
"Can't what? I can't hug ya? Aren't we friends?" he challenged, wishing she hadn't left his arms. He plopped down into an airchair and everything went sideways. In fact, he felt a lot drunker now than he thought he'd been when they left the party. Maybe the tequila was finally catching up with him. These hippies really know how to party, he thought.
"I'm not an idiot, James."
"Didn't say ya were."
"And yes, we are friends, which is why we can't go there," she sighed. She didn't sound mad, but rather disappointed. James' confusion deepened. Did she or did she not want him?
They were at a stalemate, and after a few moments of awkward silence, she announced that she was going to go to bed and that he should too. Naturally, as one does, he thought this was an invitation to go with her, as opposed to her suggesting he should also go to his bed in the room he shared with Jin and Miles. He followed her into the bathroom and they brushed their teeth together, James desperately trying to catch her eye in the mirror and Juliet steadfastly avoiding his gaze.
When she left the bathroom, James shut the door to take a leak. He washed his hands before throwing some water on his face, hoping to try and sober up. It didn't help. He took a small cup and drank a few gulps of water before heading resolutely to Juliet's room. He knocked on the door and she answered, now dressed in pajama shorts and a tank top. James' mouth watered.
"Yes?" she asked tentatively. James furrowed his eyebrows.
"Didn't ya invite me in?" he asked, confused.
"I… don't think so?"
"Well, I don't suppose you could let me bunk with you tonight? Miles and Jin snore like a freight train and I'm already gonna be hungover as hell tomorrow. Some good shut eye'll do me some good, I reckon."
She smiled at him before rolling her eyes. "That is the absolute lamest excuse I've ever heard, James Ford."
"But… will it do the trick, he wonders?" James grinned playfully, bending his head to try and look at her eye-level. As if to further exemplify his point, they could hear the echoes of Jin snoring through the closed bedroom door. He hadn't gone to the party, not understanding why everyone was so interested in celebrating July 4th. Miles, however, was still at the party, likely going home with the redhead he'd been seen with all evening.
She twisted her mouth to the side and narrowed her eyes, thinking. It was a lose-lose situation, if she were being honest - either he slept in her bed and she loved it, which was terrifying, or she missed him desperately, wishing he were there with her anyway. In the end, she figured why the hell not? She was a grown woman, stuck on Craphole Island where she was both 3 and also 33, and they were adults. They could just sleep, right? What harm could it do? Friends have sleepovers all the time. Denial, it seemed, was the best Juliet could do at the moment.
"No fooling around," she warned. As if making a pact, she stuck out her pinky. He considered her words and then stuck his pinky out to wrap around hers. They were bound by the holy confines of the pinky promise. Now it felt like a real sleepover. Besides, if she were being honest, the sounds coming from the room across the hall were atrocious. She actually felt bad for James having to endure that night after night, though she also hoped he didn't secretly snore just as badly.
She let him inside and he shucked off his boots, jeans, and button-up shirt. He caught her glancing down at his boxer shorts and he couldn't help but laugh. "Hey! You said no funny business, woman," he teased. Mortified that she'd been caught staring, she blushed and slid under the covers. He turned off the light and followed suit.
For a moment, James flopped around, trying to find a comfortable position. He didn't want to spoon her, lest she feel what she felt a few minutes prior. But he hated sleeping on his back, because it always made his neck hurt the next day. So, he settled for sleeping on his right side, facing away from her.
"My God, James, is the bed really that uncomfortable? You're making me seasick," Juliet complained. She was also drunker than she'd thought she was.
"Sorry, Sunshine, but I don't wanna scare ya away like I did before," he eyed her cheekily over his shoulder before finally settling down. She rolled her eyes in her response. Did literally anything make this man horny?
They laid there in silence for several minutes. James felt certain Juliet had drifted off to sleep when suddenly, he felt a soft warmth against his back. He froze. She had pressed her body against his, from her chest to her calves. She then cautiously draped her arm over his ribs, testing the waters of this imaginary boundary they had created between them. He felt her let out a deep sigh, her breath landing on the back of his neck, and he thanked God he was facing away from her. Goosebumps arose on his skin and his stomach lurched.
Soon, her arm relaxed and her fingers uncurled. Her breathing was slow and even, and James realized she had fallen asleep. It brought him an indescribable feeling of comfort and pride that she had fallen asleep so quickly after nuzzling up to him. The last thoughts he had were of the scent that was so wholly her that still lingered on the pillow beneath his head, and how safe and happy he felt, for the first time since they'd arrived in Dharmaville.
—-
Over the course of the next two weeks, James continued to covertly sleep in Juliet's bed. He would wait until Miles and Jin fell asleep, and then tiptoe across the hall to where Juliet would be waiting for him. She hadn't expressly forbidden it, and he'd slept so damn good that first night, that he really didn't want to return to the room he shared with the guys. In fact, it had become an unspoken agreement that this would continue to be their new sleeping arrangements, so it seemed. After all, each night was the same. James would quietly creep in, and Juliet would wordlessly lift the covers to let him slide in beside her. They would then take up their positions and proceed to have a deep, relaxing night's sleep.
Each night, James would lie down on his side facing away from her, and she would sidle up behind him. His scent and his warmth were like a drug to her. No sleeping pill that she'd ever taken worked better than sleeping with James. She felt safe, protected, and completely at ease around him. When he'd knocked on her door the second night, she'd let him in without hesitation, smiling at him in welcomed surprise. And though each night they would fall asleep with her chest against his back, they would end up tangled up in each other, faces inches apart.
Each morning, James would be the first one awake between the three of them. He would carefully untangle himself from Juliet, kiss the top of her head as she slept, and head into the kitchen. By the time everyone else was awake, he would have coffee and a light breakfast ready and Jin and Miles were none-the-wiser regarding James' new routine.
As far as James was concerned, things were near perfect for him in Dharmaville. He longed for something more with Juliet, sure, but he knew the feeling wasn't mutual. She'd made that clear with the pinky promise she'd initiated on the first night. The more time he spent with her, though, the more he realized how much he enjoyed her company. Waking up with her in his arms each morning felt so right and so wholesome and so wonderful, he had to force himself to get out of bed at all. So, at the end of the day, he figured he would just take what he could get for as long as he could. The routine they'd developed was doing wonders for his mood, and he truly, finally, felt settled in to this new life.
Horace knocked on the door one morning, but James was the only one awake to answer it. It was Saturday and no one needed to be at work until after 10. James would have slept in, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want to get caught sneaking out of Juliet's bedroom by the guys. What they had right now was precarious, at best, and the only way to keep it going was to keep it a secret.
"H, what can I do ya for?" James greeted, voice thick and deep with the disuse of an early morning.
Horace nodded at him, peering inside to see if anyone else was around. "Hey there, Jim. Sorry for the early visit. I just wanted to speak with Juliet, if she was around?"
James shook his head. "She's sleepin' still, boss. I can give her the message if ya want, though?"
"Sure, sure. Uh, well, I wanted to let her know another house had become available. Or rather, it will be. When the sub leaves on Wednesday, a couple will be on it and their house will be vacated. Once we have it cleaned, it's all hers if she wants it."
James furrowed his brows in confusion. "Nobody else wants it?"
"Well, she's at the top of the waiting list. She requested a house of her own I'd say a month or so ago."
"I see… well, uh, yeah. I'll tell her ya stopped by."
"Thanks, Jim!" James waved to Horace half-heartedly as Horace smiled and left the front porch. James didn't know how to feel about this news. He was disappointed, for one; though he certainly understood why she wouldn't want to live with three guys anymore. But he'd enjoyed having her there all the time, way more than he'd ever expected to. If she moved out, what would happen to them (whatever 'they' were)? He felt like a pansy even asking himself the question, but he couldn't help it. Not only that, but she was the only thing keeping the four of them from blowing up at each other all the time, too. What would they do without her?
Within the next hour, the rest of his housemates were up and about, munching on the toast and jam he'd laid out on the table. Juliet, as usual, was the last to rise. She rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hand as she yawned, and plopped down at the dining room table. James wanted to get an honest reaction out of her, so he decided to take advantage of her sleepiness and tell her the news. Though he knew they were in mixed company, he couldn't wait any longer to confront her.
"So Jules, seems like you'll be gettin' new digs of your own soon," he said before taking a sip of his coffee.
She furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at him in confusion. "What?" she said, taking a small bite out of her toast.
"H stopped by. Said ya didn't wanna live with us guys no more and that ya wanted a place of your own. He said a house'll be available soon if ya want it."
Juliet's eyes lit up in recognition. Clearly she remembered putting in the request. But then, to James' surprise, she looked disappointed.
"That's great news. I'll catch up with Horace later and get the details from him," she murmured, taking a long sip of her coffee.
"Who's gonna get Juliet's room once she's gone?" Miles asked, mouth stuffed full of toast.
"Say it, don't spray it, Ghengis. And obviously I'll take the room. I'm the tallest and I can't keep sleepin' on that twin bed," James argued. Miles flipped him the bird. Jin, who was sitting quietly while doodling on a napkin, snickered at Miles. Juliet smiled to herself, knowing it had been quite a while since James had slept in his own bed. But she didn't mention it. She was glad it was still a secret.
Later, after Miles and Jin had left for their shifts, James and Juliet were cleaning the kitchen. Juliet was about to leave for her own shift, but didn't want to leave James to clean up on his own. Luckily, he wouldn't start work til later that evening. As he watched her, he wondered how he should bring up his apprehension about this whole thing. He wondered if talking about the thing they hadn't yet talked about would ultimately result in it ending, which James did not want. But he had limited opportunities to talk to her alone, without Jin and Miles present. So he took a chance, hoping it didn't blow up in his face. He didn't know what he was trying to do, but he had to break the ice somehow.
"So, you're really movin' then?" he asked casually, while wiping off the kitchen counters.
She had bagged up the garbage and was tying it off when she looked up at him. "Yeah, why?"
"What, ya don't like livin' with us? We too messy for ya, or somethin'?" He meant it as a joke, but his tone was sharp, edged with the anxiety he was trying not to show.
She scoffed. "It's not that. I just think we need to spread out a little. Four people sharing a bathroom is a lot, James."
"Yeah, well, shouldn't we stick together? What if somethin' happens?"
She laughed and brought the garbage bag to the door so she could grab it on the way out. "We've been here for months! They aren't coming back. We have to just… try and live our lives. We don't need to be up each other's asses all the time anymore." Though she said it with a laugh, hoping he would understand that she was trying to emulate his carefree attitude, he actually felt stung by her words.
"Well that's just fine then. Go live in your new house all alone. Wouldn't wanna burden you with our company," he grumbled before stalking off to his bedroom.
She was flabbergasted at his response. Didn't he know she was playing around? "James, wait!" she called out to him. She heard the door slam. She sighed and followed him down the hallway. "James, talk to me! Why are you acting like this? I'm only going a few houses down." She heard nothing in response. Clearly she had said the wrong thing, but she didn't know why James was being so sensitive about this. Since when did he care that much about her being around?
Just as she was about to leave, the door swung open. James stood in the doorway glowering at her. She slipped on her Others mask and stared him down, unblinking.
"What are we even doin', Juliet?" he growled.
She was taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"I heard you, yeah, but I'm surprised you're even asking me that. You - of all people."
"The hell's that supposed to mean?"
She sighed. "We're not 'doing' anything, so there's nothing to tell. I thought we were clear on that."
"You didn't answer my question."
"No, I guess I didn't."
"And why the hell not?" He stepped forward so their faces were only inches apart.
She felt her heart race. His eyes were boring into hers, and she felt like he was studying her. She hated being under the microscope like this. She pursed her lips, took a deep breath in through her nose, and decided honesty was the best policy, even if it risked ruining everything they'd grown into.
"James, you've grown into my best friend here. But you're acting like a possessive asshole. We're not together, so I can do what I want. I want my own space - this house is too small for four people. You can visit me whenever you want; you'll always be welcome. But - " Her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and continued, knowing her words were likely going to hurt him. "If I stay here much longer, I'll cross a line I don't want to cross. Besides, all you care about is keeping the loneliness at bay and forgetting her." He flinched. "You wanna know why I said what I said? Because you're the last person I'd ever expect to care about where you stand with someone. I cannot afford to get hurt any more. This is snowballing more and more each day and I just… I can't." She was bordering on hysterical. She knew she was protecting them both by pushing him away, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
She saw the grief overtake him, and knew she'd hit a nerve by bringing up Kate. But she couldn't help it. She meant it - she couldn't afford to fall for him. Did she want to leave him? No. Did she like living with him? Yes. But she really felt like there was no right answer here. She was waging an internal battle that, no matter which way it ended, she would lose. So instead of providing him comfort, she turned on her heels and headed out the door, grabbing the garbage bag on her way.
James watched her go and felt immense grief; not because of her mentioning Kate, but because she had insinuated that nothing will ever come of this unexpected bond between them. He understood where she was coming from, but it didn't make it hurt any less. The worst part was that James felt like he'd changed quite a bit since coming to Dharmaville, and instead of just allowing himself to come right out and say how he felt and truly reinvent himself as Jim LaFleur, he stuffed it down deep and acted like the asshole he used to be. He could argue it was to protect her from him, but in reality, it was probably a combination of letting his fear take over and feeling unworthy of the happiness he'd grown accustomed to lately.
As a result of this ridiculous argument, James was in a bad mood the entirety of his shift. When he got home sometime after midnight, he didn't know where to go. He hesitated outside of her door, but after the way they'd left things, he didn't know if she would be up for the company. As expected, he slept awful, and was the last one up the following morning. Jin and Juliet were both gone by the time James got up, and Miles shoved some pancakes across the table at him before finishing his coffee and heading toward the door.
"Juliet made breakfast this morning. Saved you some leftovers," he said with a small wave before leaving. James looked down at the pancakes before deciding he wasn't hungry. He also decided he couldn't go on like this. This impatience and unexpected need to make things right was a new feeling to James. Normally, he didn't care how long an argument lasted, as he would die before being caught saying 'I'm sorry.' But with Juliet, things felt different. He needed to talk to her.
After getting hastily getting dressed, James stalked down to the motor pool. He saw her bent over, head shoved under the hood of Jeep #2. He couldn't help but let his eyes wander as he took in the view.
"Juliet!" he called out as he approached. She startled, bumping her head on the hood. She winced, and rubbed her head as she turned around to look at him.
"James?" she asked, hope leaking into her voice. She'd missed him more than she could explain (or admit) the day before. She'd felt awful for how they had left things, and had spent the whole night tossing and turning, wondering why he hadn't come into her room. Well, she knew why, but she'd hoped he would forgive her and come in after his shift ended. She saw the outline of his feet as he'd stood outside her door, and she'd almost called out to him, but before she could do so, he'd continued walking and entered his own room. Now, as he approached her, she couldn't help but feel remorse flooding her veins. "What are you doing here?" she asked casually.
"I need to talk to you," he said as he approached her. She took off her goggles and gloves and pulled him away from prying ears.
"What's up?" she asked.
"About yesterday…I'm sorry," he said, without a trace of sarcasm or reluctance.
She was taken aback. She had just opened her mouth to say the same thing. "For what?"
"For actin' like a jerk. You were right. I shouldn't have given ya such a hard time, 'specially cuz I understand why ya wanna leave in the first place. I just acted out cuz I knew I was gonna miss ya." He reached out and took her hand in a friendly gesture. She squeezed before dropping it.
"No, I should be the one apologizing. I should have told you I'd made that request so I could have the chance to explain."
"There ain't nothin' to explain," he said with a shrug.
"Be that as it may, it's not that I want to leave you guys. I just think we can't be housemates forever." Forever. James wondered if she'd realized that she'd let that word slip. Then he wondered if she truly thought that they would be here forever. He wondered if it was weird that he'd maybe, just maybe, be okay with it if they were. "Girls like their privacy, you know. And really, none of that even matters at this point - I just shouldn't have said what I said about Kate, either."
"You were just bein' honest, Jules."
"No, I was being jealous," she spat, without even realizing what she was implying. "You've changed a lot since we've gotten here, James, and I can't discount that progress. Just because I'm scared of relationships doesn't mean I should shove my own insecurities back at you."
"Well, for what it's worth, I wasn't bein' too forthcoming, neither. I acted like that cuz…" he hesitated, not knowing how to be 'Jim LaFleur' right now. He was barely 'James.' 'Sawyer' was proving harder to unlearn than he'd anticipated. "I don't wanna lose what we got. Even if it never amounts to nothin', I don't wanna lose this weird friendship."
She chuckled. "Weird, huh?"
He grinned. "Hell yeah! Ya tased me the first time ya met me, remember, and now we're stuck in the 70s together with only three other people from our own time. And one of them ain't even here anymore!"
Juliet inhaled through her nose. They were stuck, weren't they? She did everything in her power not to let that word get to her. She didn't want to think that the only reason he was pushing this friendship so hard was because she was the only one here; the one he got stuck with.
"Look, alls I'm sayin' is we got a good thing goin'. It benefits us both. So let's be grown ups and just stop pussyfootin' around. Okay? We gotta be honest with each other."
She smiled. "Okay."
"Now, what do you wanna do about these sleepin' arrangements? Cuz I don't know about you, but I slept like shit last night." She chuckled.
"I did too."
"Okay then, so what do ya want?"
"What do you want?"
"Nuh uh, I asked you first. I know what I want. Now I wanna know what you want." Inadvertently, he'd stepped closer to her. She was close enough that he could smell her shampoo on the breeze. It physically hurt to be this close without touching her, and he half wondered why the hell he was torturing himself like this. He was setting himself up for rejection and taking it like a champ. Didn't he just say they should be honest with each other? Why was it so damn hard to admit out loud what he actually wanted?
"I want to continue doing what we've been doing. If you want to, that is," she half-whispered. He could see her confidence was waning. Whatever wind she'd had in her sails earlier was now failing her.
"Lucky for you, then, cuz I do too."
"But what about Miles and Jin?"
"What about 'em?"
"I don't want to tell them anything."
"Then we don't tell 'em. I'll just keep doin' what I been doin' until - "
"Until I leave," she finished his sentence. He nodded.
"Yeah. And you're sure ya don't want another roommate?" He lifted his hands to her shoulders and gently wiggled her back and forth, pushing and pulling in a steady rhythm. She let out a soft laugh that twisted James' heart.
"No. Really, a girl's gotta have her own space."
"Okay, then. Worth a shot." He removed his hands, putting them into his pockets. "So, we good?"
She smiled. "We're good."
James inclined his head at her and winked. "Alright then, I'll see ya at home," he said before turning around and heading back. Juliet realized then that she was really going to miss him being able to say that to her.
—-
Almost a week later, it was finally moving day. For the last week, Juliet had been spending as much time with James as she could without Jin and Miles getting suspicious. They had eaten most meals together as a group, read books together on the couch in the evenings, and slept in her bed together each night. Juliet was fighting hard against her growing feelings for James, but on the morning of moving day, the dam broke and all control Juliet had was lost at sea.
Juliet awoke with her cheek planted on James' inner bicep. She almost laughed, because this always seemed to happen; they'd end up each morning wrapped up in one another. She opened her eyes a crack, her room bright and filled with mid-morning sunlight. The first thing she saw was James' sea-green eyes staring down at her. She rubbed her eyes, confused, as it suddenly dawned on her: he hadn't left like he usually did.
And he was staring at her. "James?" she asked blearily. "What're you doing here? What time is it?"
"It's 9-ish. I left a note on the coffee pot that I was goin' for a run, so when Jin and Miles woke up to go fishin' they'd see it. Bam - alibi," he said cheekily. Juliet smiled. "Not only that, but when they asked me last night if I wanted to go with 'em, I told 'em I was gonna stay behind and help ya pack." He waggled his eyebrows. "Heh? Heh? Now we can hangout all day."
"James, I have like… one suitcase." But she couldn't help but blush at his thoughtfulness. "But I appreciate the gesture." She felt her cheeks flame as she leaned her forehead into his collarbone. She couldn't believe she had caught him watching her sleep. She also couldn't believe he'd gone through these lengths to not only keep their growing friendship a secret, but that he had done it in order to spend the day with her and her alone. He'd really grown to enjoy fishing with the guys, so to give that up meant a lot to her.
He tentatively wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held onto her, and she felt her heart quicken. "Ehh, they don't have to know that. So we can do whatever ya want. Gotta make the best of it since we won't be roomies for much longer." And when he laced his fingers through her hair, the dam burst. She was undone.
She leaned her head back to see him smiling sweetly down at her. He wasn't trying to push for anything with her, and she honestly couldn't think of what she could have possibly done to earn his friendship and loyalty. He wasn't pushing her boundaries and had been nothing but respectful all week. But the feel of his hand in her hair was too much. His skin against hers was too hot. In all honesty, she didn't care about anything anymore - only him. So she gave in.
She angled her head and pushed her body up to capture his lips with hers. He froze, completely taken aback by the unexpected kiss, but soon he melted into it and deepened the kiss further. She put her hand on his cheek and he tightened his hold on the back of her neck. The kiss was soft and sweet, testing and unfamiliar. For several long moments they kissed until finally they broke away, gasping for breath.
Juliet swallowed. "You're a really good kisser," she whispered.
He grinned. "So are you. Too good… whew." He whistled for effect, which made her chuckle. "What made you decide to do that? I thought you weren't lookin' to 'fool around.'"
She bit her lip, his scent all around her and making her dizzy. "I couldn't help it. You're just so…"
"So….."
She laughed. "You're too much. All of this is too much. I'm trying to convince myself that all of my fears just… aren't as important as I thought they were," she admitted.
He nodded, and leaned down to give her another soft, gentle kiss. "I ain't complainin'. If it were up to me, I'da done that a long, long time ago." He kissed her again. "But…." He sighed. "I'm kickin' myself right now, believe me, but I really gotta pee. Can we pick this back up, when I get back?" he asked hopefully.
She laughed and rolled off his arm so he could get up. While he was gone, she made another impulsive decision, hoping she wouldn't regret it. She quickly snuck into the boys' room, stealing one of the condoms out of the top dresser drawer. Luckily, Miles had been seeing that girl from the party and bragged about finally getting some action. It didn't take her long to figure out where he'd kept them. As she re-entered her room, blood pounding in her ears, she stripped off her t-shirt and shorts until she was left in her sky blue bralette and panties. She swished some water in her mouth from the water bottle of her bedside table and swallowed just as James entered.
His jaw dropped open, taking in the sight of her standing by her bed, clad in nothing but her undergarments. The blood left his head so fast he actually felt woozy and had to grip the door frame for support, much to Juliet's delight. He really, truly, hadn't thought anything was going to happen with her. And yet, after selfishly deciding to stay in bed with her so they could wake up together, this is what was happening as a result.
Slowly, cautiously, he approached her and put his rough hands on either side of her face. He studied her, looking for any sign of regret in her eyes. He saw none. She looked determined, confident, and for once, he realized, unafraid.
"Are you sure," he murmured, forcing the words out.
She nodded. "Yeah. I just… I can't get you out of my head, James. Ever since we started sleeping together…" She shook her head, looking for the right words to convey how she was feeling, without daring to break eye contact. "I know this is reckless but while we're stranded here, I guess I just want to live a little, you know?" He nodded. "We can just be friends… who do other things, too," she whispered, voice growing husky. "We can both get what we want, no strings attached."
James pulled back slightly, not knowing how he felt about that. Again, he seemed to want more than what she was willing to give. But he figured he better take what he could get. "As you wish," he murmured and leaned in for a soft kiss.
"Princess Bride? Really?" she chuckled against his lips.
"You look a little like Princess Buttercup, dontcha think?"
"You're delusional," Juliet said before entwining her fingers in James' hair. He moved his hands from her face to wrap around her lower back. He deepened the kiss, caressing her tongue with his. She moaned and James pulled her in closer, running his hands along her backside. She pressed herself against him and could feel him harden against her hip. It was more than she'd expected and she couldn't help but look down and take a peak.
"Soon, baby," James whispered, and eased her onto the bed. He stepped out of his pajama pants and Juliet had a clear view of what awaited her. If she wasn't an expert on these things and therefore knew better, she would have wondered if it would even fit, especially since it had been so long since she had been with anyone.
He laid next to her and ran his hands up and down her body as they kissed. Her skin was softer than silk, and he never wanted to forget what she felt like under his fingertips. As she reached down to touch him, he held onto her wrist, stopping her.
"We gotta make this last, baby," he said as he took her earlobe into his mouth. He hoped she understood what he meant. It had been a long time since he'd gotten laid, and with how sexy Juliet was right now and how into her he was, he didn't think he would make it as long as he normally could.
Instead, he focused on her. He turned his attention back to her lips and kissed her once more. Delicately, he ran his fingers up and down her stomach before slowly slipping them into the waistband of her underwear. She gasped as he entered her, and he relished in the soft whimpers coming from her mouth. He was pretty convinced she didn't even realize she was making them.
Slowly, he stroked her in slow, even circles. She was deliciously warm and wet and James had to fight to control himself. He just wanted to rip off her underwear and slide inside, but more than that he wanted to savor it. For all he knew, she could decide to be done with him after this. It was at this thought that James realized that he needed to really make this time count.
As soon as she started gripping the sheets, he pulled his hand away. Her eyes flew open, a whine escaping her lips. "Wh - ?" she started, but James kissed her, effectively cutting off the question.
"I wanna taste you, baby. Please?" he asked, voice deep and hands shaking with want.
Her eyes widened in surprise. No one had ever, ever said something so brazen to her before. But she didn't have the words to consent, so she just nodded. He kissed her once more, licking and sucking on her bottom lip; a sign of what was to come. As he pulled down her underwear, she wondered why she didn't even remotely feel shy in James' presence. Perhaps it was because he made her not only feel safe, but desired, too. It had been a long, long time since she'd felt that way.
His stubble scraped the inside of her thigh as he kissed her, and she closed her eyes at the sensation. When his tongue found its mark, she couldn't help but cry out his name. He took his time and for several long minutes, Juliet honestly felt like she was on fire. She'd never been savored like this, and she could barely form a coherent thought as he worked his magic. It was almost agonizing. She would come close, and he'd pull away, like he was teasing her. After a while though she finally, blissfully bucked her hips and cried out when James finally let her come.
He saw the condom on the nightstand and after tearing off his boxers, he skillfully put it on. "Go easy, it's been a while," she groaned out, and he was inside her before she'd even come down from her high. He eased in slowly, filling every ounce of available space, and she gasped at the stretching he caused.
As James moved inside her, he went completely brain dead. She felt absolutely incredible. He loved the way her eyebrows were scrunched together and when she turned her blue eyes to look into his, all the breath left his lungs. She had tasted just as amazing as he thought she would, and when she pulled his head down to hers, he knew she'd be able to taste it too. He was so overwhelmed with pleasure from all of his senses, he thought he might cry.
To make matters worse, Juliet pushed at his shoulder and asked him to roll over. Oh, dear God, James thought as Juliet straddled his hips to position herself on top. Deftly he reached behind her to unhook her bra and she threw it across the room. As she eased herself onto him, a groan escaped his lips. The sight before him was more than he could bear, and he did everything he could to imprint it onto his brain forever.
She moved in a slow, steady rhythm. James paid careful attention to her breasts, taking her nipples into her mouth until electricity was racing down her spine. She felt herself climbing again, something she thought only happened in the movies. She sped up, finding a new pace and James had to grit his teeth and use all his energy to prevent himself from coming too soon. He could tell she was going to come again, and when she did and he felt her clench around him, he couldn't' hold on any longer. He let go and tumbled down with her.
She collapsed on top of him, planting light kisses on his collarbone. They were both covered in sweat and their skin felt tingly and sensitive. She laughed lightly against him and he wrapped his arms around her, still tucked away inside her.
"That was…" she mumbled.
"Yeah," he croaked. Despite his intention to keep her on top of him, she slid off his body and pressed her legs together tightly, still throbbing. "Jesus fucking Christ, Juliet," he almost slurred. "I mean, damn." He wrapped the used condom in a tissue and laid it on the nightstand.
She giggled. "You weren't too bad yourself, Ford."
He shook his head, still feeling foggy. She laid her head on his chest and inhaled deeply through her nose. For a moment they laid in complete silence, the only ambient noise coming from the birds outside her window. James smiled to himself, happy as a clam.
"Gimme twenty minutes and we can do that again," he said smugly. She slapped him playfully on the side but didn't necessarily decline, either. He turned his head to the side and smelled the top of her head. It smelled like her, and he closed his eyes, trying to memorize that, too.
"Ya know, that was a first for me…" he murmured into her hair, suddenly growing serious.
"What? You have absolutely done all of those things before," Juliet muttered, sarcasm evident in her voice. And jealousy, it seemed too, to James' delight.
"Guess I shoulda specified. That was the first time someone's ever called out my name," he said just above a whisper. She raised her head to look into his eyes, forehead furrowed slightly. "My real name," he corrected. "I've always been 'Sawyer' to everyone else. You're the only one besides my mama who called me James, actually."
Her face softened. "Oh. I didn't know that."
"Yeah. Been goin' by Sawyer a while longer than ya thought, I guess."
"Hmm. I guess I never thought of it like that. What did your uncle call you, if not James?"
"Jimmy. I usually went by Jimmy."
"You don't look like a Jimmy."
James laughed in response. "No. I guess I don't."
"Do you like me calling you James?" she whispered, still looking into his eyes.
"I like it a lot," he replied, voice deep and rumbling in his chest. "I like when you say my name." He kissed her cheek and she grinned. She ran her hand along his chest and kissed him gently when they heard it: a knock coming from the front door.
Suddenly, the spell was broken. Juliet froze, looking at James in puzzlement. "I'll go get it, you stay here," he commanded. He rose from the bed, pulled on his pajama pants and the oversized t-shirt Juliet had been wearing earlier, and trotted down the hallway to the front door. With every step he grew more and more angry. He'd wanted them to have the day together uninterrupted.
He flung the door open, about to shout at the unexpected visitor, but he came upon Amy's smiling face looking up at him. "Hi, Jim! Is Juliet around?"
"She's busy," he grunted. "I'll tell her ya stopped by."
"Oh, is she about to move her things over? I was going to ask her if she needed any help," Amy said sweetly, oblivious to James' annoyance.
As James was about to open his mouth to answer, Juliet stepped up behind him, careful not to touch him. To James' frustration, she was fully dressed in jeans and a green t-shirt. "Hey, Amy. Thanks for stopping by. I think I'm good though. James here lost a bet last night and has to help me today as punishment." To James' surprise (though it shouldn't have come as one) the lie flowed right off Juliet's tongue. She smiled sweetly back to Amy and they talked for a few more moments before saying goodbye.
Juliet finally shut the door, and James leaned in, eager to kiss her again, but she moved away. "I'm sorry, but I almost forgot I'm actually supposed to be moving today. So… I should probably do that. You're welcome to help if you want, but you don't have to." She smiled shyly at him, and the annoyance leaked out of him. She had a point.
"Yeah, okay. Use and abuse me, your Highness." Juliet rolled her eyes and dragged him back to her room.
—-
As it turns out, there were a few things Juliet had forgotten to pack, like all of her bathroom products and one of the blankets from the living room she planned on stealing. When all was said and done, she had a suitcase, a box, and a duffel bag to bring to the new house. Given that the house was fully furnished and Juliet barely owned anything, this certainly wasn't too difficult to manage between the two of them.
"Don't forget to change the sheets tonight. There's clean ones in the hall closet," she reminded him. He nodded, though he had no intention of doing so. If this was the last time they were going to sleep together, he didn't want her scent to be washed from her pillow. Though, he certainly wasn't going to tell her that. Maybe he wasn't so great at the 'honesty' thing after all.
Together, they brought everything over to the new house. It was about the same size as the previous one, but it was a one bedroom, one bathroom. It had a fairly decent sized kitchen, large living room, and a dining room attached. All in all it looked like a comfortable place, and he found himself secretly bummed he didn't get to live here with her.
They unpacked, Juliet putting her clothes away in the dresser drawers and James filling out the new bathroom. As Juliet came in to the bathroom to check on his progress, she laughed as she saw him cringe at a box of tampons before storing them in the linen closet.
"You've been with tons of women, and tampons freak you out?" she confronted him.
He scoffed. "Listen, when I was with 'em, there wasn't no need for tampons. They're just so… blech. The idea of stickin' somethin' up there and leavin' it all day?" He shuddered for effect. She laughed at his not-so-inaccurate description before approaching him and wrapping her arms around his neck. She nuzzled her nose against his before kissing him softly.
"Thanks for your help today. In more ways than one," she purred. James grinned and leaned in to kiss her again.
"Anytime you need help, you know where to find me." He licked her bottom lip and just as he was about to deepen his kiss, they heard yet another knock on the front door. This time though, they heard Miles' voice call out as he let himself inside.
"Juliet? You in here?" he called out. James had to actively keep himself from growling out loud.
Juliet stepped back away from James and smoothed her clothes and hair before exiting the bathroom with a smile. "Hey, Miles! How was fishing?" she asked jovially.
"Pretty good, actually. Caught a bunch. Jin's cleaning them outside. Was thinking if you didn't have any dinner plans we could grill these puppies up and have a housewarming or some shit," Miles said with a half shrug.
"That would be lovely! Though, I find it interesting you want to cook it here and not at your place. Don't want it to smell like fish for days, do you Miles?" Miles rolled his eyes.
"How do you even do that?" he whined.
Juliet laughed. It was melodic. "It's a gift," she bowed sarcastically.
Just then, James came out from around the corner. "That was the last box, Jules," he intoned, trying to make his voice sound bored and annoyed. He didn't have to act for the latter.
"Hey, Cinderella. She been working you this whole time? We've been gone for hours."
"It took me a while to come home. I made her wait," James said noncommittally.
Juliet smirked, knowing James was covering up what they'd actually been doing. "Okay boys. That's it. We're finally all done and I'm starving. How about I make us some sandwiches back at the house for lunch? I don't have any groceries here yet."
At the mention of food, Miles perked up and together they walked back to the house. On the way, with Miles ahead of them, James hooked his pinky around Juliet's and grinned when he felt her squeeze back.
—-
Later that night, after a robust dinner of grilled fish, roasted veggies, and fried potatoes, the four time travelers sat around the kitchen table groaning.
"Jinbo, you really outdid yourself this time," James moaned while rubbing his stomach. Jin laughed and patted his friend's shoulder.
"You're welcome," he said with a smile. A soft breeze blew in from the open windows, and Juliet hoped to God her house wasn't going to smell like fish forever.
"Who's up for some poker?" Miles asked.
Juliet raised an eyebrow. "Poker? Really?"
"What, you don't know how to play?"
Juliet laughed. "Oh, I know how to play..." She not only knew how to play, she knew how to win.
Two hours later, Jin, Miles, and even James were staring at Juliet in disbelief as she won yet another hand. "You've gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me. Seriously Blondie? You're a goddamn shark!" James cried out.
Juliet smirked as she organized her chips. "Yeah, I said I know a thing or two about poker, guys."
"This is insane," Miles groaned.
"Okay, okay. How about one more round, and we make it interesting." She had a sparkle in her eye as she looked across the table at James. "Whoever loses has to help me with dishes. Jin cooked, but one of you two has to help me clean," she said, pointing between James and Miles. She reached out, aiming to kick James to give him a hint, but she kicked Miles instead.
"Hey! What was that for?" he complained.
Juliet winced. "Sorry, long legs. I was just stretching out," she lied. This time she moved her legs further to the left and found James' ankle. She rubbed it with her big toe and she saw his eyes light up in surprise.
"I think those are fair terms," he agreed, in mock politeness. "And if we win?" he countered.
"Then I will do the dishes alone," she acknowledged.
The guys accepted her bargain, and were silent as the round progressed. When it was time to reveal their cards, James lost with two pairs. Miles was too excited to notice the flirtatious look that passed between James and Juliet. Jin was rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, clearly worn out from the busy day they'd had, when Miles slapped him on the back and told them it was time to head home. He told 'Cinderella' to have fun and the two of them left, Miles still boasting about his hand.
The door had barely clicked shut before James got up to close the windows and curtains and lock the door. He had Juliet swept up in his arms within seconds. She wrapped her arms around him before groaning and pulling away.
"What?" James asked, already breathless.
"It reeks of fish in here. If we don't actually do the dishes, it'll just linger longer. I wasn't kidding about wanting some help," she snickered as his face fell. He'd been played. She winked at him before heading over to the sink. He grumbled, but diligently dried as she washed.
To fill the silence, he asked her how she got so good at poker. As it turned out, Juliet learned from her sister, who learned from a guy she dated in high school. Juliet was never too good at it, as she was pretty easy to read before coming to the island. Since receiving her Others' training though, as she jokingly put it, she'd become quite good at the game. James learned from his uncle, and told her about the first time he'd played. He'd had such a natural knack for it, it's what made his uncle teach him about conning.
When they were finally finished with the last dish, Juliet yawned. James' heart sank. At least, before he saw the smirk on her face and the twinkle in her eye. "It's been a long day. I could really use a hot shower," she stated matter-of-factly. Without another word, James grabbed her hand and led her towards the bathroom before she could argue. Her laughter echoed down the hallway and James found one more thing he wanted to memorize.
—-
A few more weeks passed, with James and Juliet spending as much time together as possible. He tried to stay at her house on days Miles and Jin worked the night shift, and suffered through the nights alone when they were home. James couldn't believe how happy he'd become in the weeks since they'd first had sex. Despite the fact that she claimed they weren't a couple, he sure as hell felt like they were.
It was one night while they were getting ready for bed that it came up for the first time since she'd initially told him she'd wanted to remain friends. James had asked her if she wanted him to just move in with her, and finally just tell Jin and Miles what they'd been doing. After all, why the hell were they still sneaking around? What were they trying to prove? What was the point? Everyone in the commune thought they were an item anyway, so why not make it official?
It had not gone over well.
"James, we're just keeping each other company. That's all, okay?"
"But why? Why don't you want more? I'm tired of sneakin' around, Jules."
"You're asking about two separate things. I don't want to tell Jin and Miles because I don't want to hear any comments about this. Miles has a big mouth, you know that. Secondly, we can't be in a relationship. We just can't."
"But you won't say why," James shouted.
"It doesn't matter why, James. I'm damaged, that's why. Is that what you wanted to hear?" She pursed her lips and glared at him. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. So either we go to sleep or you go back home," she declared.
He was fuming. Fighting wasn't new for them, and he was tired of having this conversation, too. Mostly it was because she wouldn't open up to him. She was closed off and unyielding and he was really tired of trying to chip away at her damn walls. Juliet felt awful for not telling James the truth, but how could he understand? Her feelings were complicated and she could barely even understand them herself.
He grumbled something unintelligible before turning off the lights and sliding into bed. For the first time since they started sharing a bed, they faced away from each other, not touching as they fell asleep.
—-
James awoke with a start. He was sweating and shaking and didn't know where he was. The moonlight illuminated the room around him, and it took several seconds to collect his bearings and steady his breathing. He was in Juliet's bedroom, and she was lying next to him on his left. But something wasn't right. She was facing away from him and her shoulders were shaking.
He reached out and tentatively touched her shoulder. "Juliet?" he whispered. It hung in the air as she debated whether or not to answer him. She didn't have to. He could feel her trembling under his hand. "Baby, what's wrong?" he muttered, still half asleep and recovering from his nightmare. He leaned over her to get a glimpse of her face. She was crying. He rarely ever saw her cry. In fact, he'd only seen it once since they'd been on the island.
"Don't call me that," she whispered, not daring to look him in the eye.
"Whattaya mean?"
"Don't call me 'baby.'"
"I called you baby before and ya didn't say anything then. What's goin' on? Why are ya cryin'?"
She sniffled and wiped away her tears with her knuckle. "I knew what this was. I don't know why I'm so surprised to hear it." A dry sob escaped her lips and James flinched at the sound.
"Hear what? I don't even know what you're talkin' about." James was frustrated. He'd been asleep. What had she heard?
"Kate," she spat, like it was a curse. Perhaps to her, it was.
"What about Kate?" James spat back. But then he realized. In his dream, he'd been calling out for her, though not in the way she thought. Could he have said it out loud?
"I'm not an idiot, James," Juliet mumbled.
"Yeah, I've heard that one before. I still don't understand, so tell me." He was getting frustrated. She still wouldn't look at him; she just remained curled up on her side in a ball, her walls up ten feet high.
She breathed in a shaky breath before closing her eyes. A few stray tears escaped and he caught them with his thumb before they could cascade down her cheeks. "I know what I am to you. I know who you'd rather be stuck here with. I'm sorry I'm not her, okay?"
And James realized. All this time, she'd been pushing him away and refusing to mean anything to him because… "Wait a minute, you think I'm still in love with Kate?" he asked incredulously.
"You are. I heard you calling out her name."
James sighed before cursing and pulling Juliet's shoulder until she lay on her back. "Look at me," he demanded. She looked at the ceiling. "Jesus Christ, Juliet. Look at me." She did, her glare bitter and hurt. "You a mind-reader?" he asked accusingly. She shook her head almost imperceptibly. "Didn't think so. Can ya read people's dreams?" She gave him a pointed look, refusing to speak. "Didn't think so. Now lemme tell ya somethin'. I used to love Kate. Or at least, I thought I did. I wanted to. But that was months ago."
"True love doesn't just fade away just because you stop seeing each other," she whispered, another stray tear escaping. She sounded innocent and childlike and James felt his heart squeeze.
"It does when ya find somethin' better. And hell, maybe that means it wasn't even love in the first place. Don't assume you know how I feel or what I'm thinkin'. Maybe I said her name, fine. She was in my dream. But she isn't my dream anymore."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked darkly.
James sighed, growing more frustrated. "It's slippin' away, I can't remember the whole thing. I just see bits and pieces. But we were in the jungle, the three of us. Ol' Smoky was comin' and we were runnin'. I don't remember what happened but she left us behind and was callin' for me. Kept tellin' me to go with her. But you fell and hit your head and I was tryin' to pick you up but you weighed a ton." She gave him another glare. He ignored her. "I was callin' after her because she left. I wanted her to help me carry you to safety. But she wouldn't come back. I was screamin' for her, desperate for her to come back. But not because I wanted her to be with me, but because you were bleedin' and I couldn't help you. Jesus fucking Christ Jules, I just wanted to fucking help you. But I couldn't do it on my own. I needed her help and she fuckin' ran for the hills."
Juliet was still, listening to James recount his dream. She could hear the pain and frustration in his voice and knew he was telling the truth. She didn't know what to say. All this time, she thought they were just using each other - to not feel lonely, to satiate their needs, to connect with someone who understood the shit they'd been through and didn't think less of them for it. She'd been pushing and fighting and kicking against the growing feelings in her chest so hard that she'd almost numbed herself as a result. But hearing him say Kate's name in his sleep had broken her, and reminded her just how fragile and precarious this thing between them actually was. It had all been a façade. Despite every ounce of effort she had put into not falling for him, she realized now it had been inevitable. And once she finally admitted it? There would be no going back.
"I think I'm falling in love with you," she whispered, fixating her gaze on his chin. She couldn't look him in the eye. She almost followed up with an 'I'm sorry,' once she heard his sharp intake of breath. James may be getting over Kate, if what he said was true, but she didn't think he'd ever want to actually be with her - the Other, his once-enemy. In the stillness of the night, she could hear her own heart pounding in her ears. Perhaps once he let her down gently, she'd even be able to hear it break.
"What?" The word left his mouth on his breath, an exhale that just so happened to sound like an actual word. She shook her head, feeling two inches small and unable to speak it aloud again. What little strength she had to say it the first time had shriveled up and died. James lowered himself down, resting his weight on his left elbow. His other hand snaked under the covers and firmly gripped her upper thigh. "Say it again," he growled.
"Why?" she asked, voice shaky and uneven. His right hand slid under her shorts, cupping her backside. He lowered his face even more, until they were inches apart. Every nerve ending in Juliet's body was buzzing.
"Say. It. Again. I wanna memorize the sound." His voice was deep, and rough, and Juliet was completely mystified by his reaction to her admission.
"I'm falling in love with you," she whispered, this time meeting his unwavering gaze with her own timid one.
His eyes scanned her face before locking onto her lips. After a brief hesitation, his lips were on hers and he was… hungry. He kissed her like he was drowning and she was his only source of oxygen. He kissed her like he wanted to push her soul aside and join her in her body. She threaded her hands in his hair and realized she couldn't breathe, but she didn't care. She was dizzy and tingling and James was everywhere.
Before she even knew what he'd done, he'd pulled her shorts and underwear off with one hand. He pulled away from her face only long enough to tug off his own underwear and pajama pants. He sucked down lungfuls of blissful, warm air, feeling the burn in her chest of being deprived of it for so long. But she missed the dizziness, she missed him, already. He was acting like there wasn't any time - like they had seconds left to live and he wanted to die while inside her. (In fact, that's exactly how he'd want to go, in all honesty.)
He reached over to the nightstand, hand searching for a condom, when she reached out and grabbed his wrist. Her whole body was trembling, desperate for him.
"No, leave it," she whispered, voice high and breathy and searching her brain for the right words. "I don't want anything to come between us."
He hesitated for only a second. "You sure?" he asked, voice trembling too.
"You're gonna question an expert?" she laughed. The echo of her laugh was still lingering when James climbed on top of her, pulled her hips down, and slid into her. It was unexplainable. The feeling of him, all of him, with nothing in the way, was unlike anything she'd ever felt. She'd never done this with anyone, even her husband. He hadn't wanted children and always insisted on wearing one. She couldn't risk a pregnancy on the island with Goodwin, so they'd always used one. But this? He was a perfect fit, and it made her feel connected to him in a way she'd never felt connected with anyone.
She had gasped as he slid in. The sound, plus her surprised exhale, tickled James' ear. He kissed her neck tenderly, feeling every nerve sizzle in his body. Feeling her all around him with nothing in the way felt like a culmination of everything pure and good James had ever experienced in his life. This felt like the manifestation of raw, unfiltered, burning love. He'd had unprotected sex before, but not like this. With Kate, he'd had something to prove, and his desperation to get and hold her attention took up all the available space in his brain. With Cassidy, that one time when she swore it would be okay, he'd been bored and lonely and figured it would be something to do to pass the time. But this? If the world came crashing down all around them, he didn't think he'd even notice.
Every pump was deep and quick; he would pull almost all the way back just to slam into her again and again. She was seeing stars. He didn't even bother removing her shirt, he just slid his hand inside it, running his thumb along her breast. He brought his face down to it and licked her nipple, enjoying the way it hardened against him. She was breathless and dizzy and as she felt her pleasure mounting, she could barely speak. She squeaked out his name, the word sounding like a desperate plea. He kept going, feeling her crash around him. He put her thighs on his shoulder, and his hands on her hips, and kept going. She reached her hands out to find something, anything to grab as she felt herself coming again. And still he kept going. Her brain was mush and her thighs burned and her body trembled when finally she felt him jerk once, twice, and a third time before going still. Her thighs slid off his shoulder and he picked her up. They were still connected as she sat on his thighs, legs wrapped tightly around his lower back, his knees bent and tucked under him.
Shaking, sweaty, and euphoric, they held each other tightly. He threaded his hands into her hair and let out a choked sob. She pulled back quickly to look at him, and though his face was contorted, he wasn't crying. He pulled her back against him and squeezed her harder. His hold was desperate, and she held him back with equal vigor. For several long moments, they sat there, connected in more ways than they could count, and Juliet knew for certain - there was no going back after this. They were both fundamentally and wholly changed, forever.
When his shaking subsided and their breathing evened out, she dared to pull away again to look into his face. His expression was unreadable. Delicately, she slid off of him, feeling sticky and warm. She whispered that she would be right back and quickly darted to the bathroom to pee and clean herself up. When she returned, he was lying on his side of the bed on his back, arm pillowed under his head. He was staring at the ceiling, expression unchanged. She climbed into the bed next to him and laid her head on his stomach. Seemingly without thought, he began to stroke her hair as it cascaded across his chest.
Once again, she didn't know what to say. Clearly James was lost in thought, and he had been right - she wasn't a mindreader. As it turned out, she didn't need to say anything because he soon broke the thick silence that permeated the room.
"I gotta tell ya… I was surprised you admitted that. But I'm glad ya said it." She couldn't see his expression with her back to him, but she wondered if he was still staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. He wasn't. He was watching the way his fingers looked as they brushed back her blonde hair. "I didn't think we'd ever be fully honest with each other."
"You haven't been honest with me?" she dared to ask, staring at the way his toes wiggled and flexed under the blankets.
"'Bout my feelings? No. You didn't seem to feel the same way. 'Bout everything else? Yeah, I have."
"Well, in the spirit of honesty, how long have you felt like this?" James felt her breath on the patch of hair just below his belly button and held back a shiver.
"Hard to say. A while."
"Guess."
He thought about it. When had he grown these feelings for her? "I guess I started gettin' a crush on you after that Fourth of July party. I think I fell in love with you the morning ya moved out."
"Seriously?" she asked, bewildered by his response.
"You said to be honest."
"Yeah, I did. Go on," she encouraged.
He cleared his throat. "I just watched ya sleep and ya looked so peaceful. I just… I wanted to protect you from everything. I wanted you to stay that peaceful forever. Then ya kissed me and I was a goner." They both chuckled at the memory, knowing full well what had happened after. "Since we're talkin' honest for once, why did ya tell me that tonight?" he asked.
She inhaled through her nose, wondering how to put it into words. "I've been trying not to fall for you, James. Really hard. I've just been through so much, you know this. And I really have thought that all this time you were still hung up on Kate. But when you told me about your dream and reassured me you didn't… I guess I finally felt brave enough to let myself tumble off the cliff of insanity." She smiled wryly.
"Why 'insanity?' What, ya can't let yourself be happy for once?"
"Isn't the definition of insanity 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?'"
"So, what, men ain't worth your time because it just always ends the same anyway?" he reasoned.
"Something like that."
"Well, I'd argue every guy is different. Fallin' in love may feel like a fool's errand but at the end of the day, ya got a long life to live and I've learned the last few months here that it's best to spend it with someone ya care about, for as long as ya can. And since we're quotin' sayings and all, 'It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.' Ain't that how it goes?"
She smirked. "Something like that." Then she sighed, unable to keep the fear from crawling back under her skin. "But it's gonna hurt. Losing this," she said as she rubbed the top of his thigh with her palm. "This feels… different."
"I think it does, too. And who says it's gotta end, Blondie? And since when am I the one who's all 'glass half full,' anyway? See what you're doin' to me?"
She chuckled and rolled over to face him, her head still pillowed on his stomach. She had a newfound sparkle in her eyes. "Why did you react like that? When I told you?" she asked cautiously.
He pursed his lips and paused a moment. "I realized there was still room in my shitty life for firsts. With women." She quirked an eyebrow at him, not understanding what he meant. "You're the first woman to say she loved me and mean it. You're the first person I've ever loved to actually love me back. And now? Now that we're actually bein' honest with each other? Well, I definitely ain't ever had that before."
She smiled at this, partly due to what he said, and the other part because she didn't think he realized he said it. "So you love me, then?" she whispered. The light of dawn was beginning to sift through the windows and she could finally see the sea green hue of eyes peering down at her. The world outside her window was still, as not even the birds had awoken yet. It's like the world had stopped turning and everything was frozen in time while she awaited his answer; though by the way he looked at her, she already knew what it was.
"In the spirit of honesty?" he teased with a wicked grin. "I love you more than anything in the world."
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A/N: It is my humble opinion that it takes all five senses to fall in love. I wanted to highlight that here. It was hella fun to write, and I would apologize for it being so long butttt I won't, because it was too fun and I didn't want to cut any of it. I hope you enjoyed - please leave a review! They make me happy and are super encouraging!