Tale of the Setting Sun
Chapter 35: "Let's Fight!"
The ever venerable Lord Third Hokage stared out from the windows of his office, mulling over the appearance of the sprawling village while nursing his smoking pipe.
As was customary with the upcoming third exam, the foreign delegations would soon be arriving at the village. With the Hidden Rock participating in this year's exam, that would make three Kage gathered within his village's walls: himself, the Kazekage and the Tsuchikage.
As of late, communication with the Kazekage had largely been through indirect mediums. If all things went well, they would be able to redefine and clarify their alliance through this upcoming meeting. As for the Tsuchikage... What was the stubborn old Ōnoki hoping to gain out of this? His best intelligence operatives were on the case, but he supposed he would find out from the man himself soon enough.
As for that other matter…
Hiruzen turned around to face the red-haired ninja waiting behind his desk. "Thank you, Naruto."
Naruto's report had been thorough and informative, consisting of his observations of the foreign participants of the exams. It matched those of all his other informants, particularly when it came to the genin from the Hidden Sand. Yet, despite finding out about the other jinchūriki, Naruto's reaction was surprisingly subdued.
Quite an impressive poker face, Hiruzen thought to himself. He supposed it had always been good from the start—though where it had once seemed the side effect of a boy who did not know how to interpret his own emotions, it was now the impassive mask of a fully-trained ninja.
"I've kept you from resting long enough; forgive me. Take the two weeks before the third exam to recover and settle your business."
"Yes, Hokage-sama."
"Ah, and one last thing—Naruto, I've decided to start the process to promote you as a jōnin. You can expect a summons for a formal ceremony of appointment sometime next week."
"Yes, Hokage-sama. Will that be all?"
"...Yes. You're dismissed."
In a flurry of smoke, Naruto disappeared.
Hiruzen felt himself sweat. He'd saved the good news for last, and had expected a little more of a reaction than neutral acceptance.
Quite an impressive poker face, he again thought to himself with a puff of his pipe.
While it was a strange feeling, being in an enemy's hospital, Ajisai vastly preferred it to wasting away alone in their quarters. Out of all the Ame teams that had started the chunin exams, the only remaining participant was Haku, and the rest had already left the village.
All she was doing was staring down at Haku's sleeping face, but Ajisai could feel sweat accumulating on her palms. Even though the Lady Angel had assigned such an important mission to their team, everything was falling apart. Suiren had died, Ajisai herself had failed to get through the preliminaries, and as for Haku...
There was something very wrong with her teammate—ever since that mysterious snake-like shinobi had bit him, he had drifted in and out of varying states of lucidity. Thankfully, the situation was no longer as dire as it had been in the forest, whereupon Ajisai had to nurse him for much of the remaining time. It was by pure luck that a relatively weak team wandered into the various traps Ajisai had set up around their campsite, allowing her to snag their scroll.
Just once, back in the forest when Haku had been in his most vulnerable state, Ajisai had managed to see where the snake shinobi had bit him. There, she had seen what looked like three black marks circling each other—a seal. As much as Ajisai had studied fūinjutsu back in the Hidden Rain, she knew at a glance that it was far beyond her capabilities.
Before losing consciousness, Haku had warned her not to allow the Leaf medic-nin to examine him too closely. As much as she worried about his state, Ajisai agreed—nothing good could come out of handing over any more information to their enemy than they had to.
Worst came to worst, as much as she hated to burden the Lady Angel any more than she had to, Ajisai had little doubt that their savior would be able to remove the seal.
The shortest passage from the Hokage's office to his apartment took Naruto through the market, and as always, a flurry of whispering followed wherever he went. In the past, he had used the transformation technique to avoid their stares—but this time, he gave himself up to their scrutiny.
Jōnin.
The rank that had once been Naruto's goal was now finally within his grasp.
Jōnin.
Naruto tasted the word in his mouth, but it was the same as his initial reaction—he felt nothing. It meant that he would be given missions of higher difficulty, and that he had the option of going solo. It also meant—if the Hokage so chose—that he was eligible to be assigned a genin team of his own to train.
To anyone else, the rank represented responsibility and recognition. To Naruto, it was an empty word that rang hollowly in his ears.
So hollowly, it almost worried him.
When he reached his apartment, he immediately noticed two things: One, someone had raided his desk and stolen his copy of Jiraiya's latest book. And two, there was a note waiting for him on his kitchen table.
If you want your book back, meet me at area 15.
It took about a half day's journey by foot past the gates of Konohagakure before Jiraiya was finally unable to sense any scouts within his immediate perimeter. The village had beefed up security in preparation for the chūnin exams, particularly along their shared borders with Grass and Sound territory—and for good reason, what with the constant flow of foreign ninja passing through Fire country. Within the first few kilometers radius of their village, a rabbit couldn't nibble on a leaf without the intelligence division knowing about it.
Jiraiya, however, was not a rabbit, and it was a simple matter to shake off any eyes that may have followed him from the village—no doubt, under the orders of Danzō.
He really hated that man. If Jiraiya had his way, Danzō would have been ousted from his position of power years ago. Unfortunately, the Lord Third had always had a soft spot for his old comrade, believing wholeheartedly that everything Danzō did was for the sake of the village. In Jiraiya's private thoughts, it was a misguided opinion, and it was only out of complete respect for his former teacher that he did not voice them publicly.
As always, the message from the Shadow was waiting for Jiraiya in the promised location: A scroll, nestled in a tree hollow. It wasn't very long—they never were—but the words seized Jiraiya's heart in a tight grip of apprehension:
Another pillar crumbles under the weight of the rising sun.
The lone leaf, caught in the eye of the storm.
Jiraiya swallowed the scroll as soon as he'd committed the words to memory, and it settled in his stomach as a cold, hard lump. In the years since Jiraiya had stumbled across the Shadow—or rather, the Shadow had found him—he'd never before received such an ominous message.
'The rising sun' could only mean Akatsuki, a group named to mean 'daybreak'; and if his interpretation was correct, the crumbling 'pillar' represented a jinchuriki. Most likely, given the imagery, one under the jurisdiction of the Hidden Rock, making it the fourth jinchuriki to fall into the hands of the criminal organization. No doubt, that had something to do with the village's participation in the Leaf's chūnin exams.
As for the latter sentence…it was clearly a warning, one that Jiraiya was already well aware of: An impending disaster was rapidly approaching the Hidden Leaf, and when it came down to it, the village would be friendless.
Inevitably, Jiraiya's thoughts turned toward the Shadow. That was what he called his informant in his mind, for they had never revealed their identity. And while any attempts at elucidate their identity had led to a dead end, their information until now had always proven accurate. Given the level of confidentiality of the information, they had to be a powerful ninja intimately connected to Akatsuki—and it had to be someone who prioritized their loyalty to the Hidden Leaf over their own life.
By the foot of a nearby tree, the grass rustled. Jiraiya watched a harmless green snake slither by, carving its passage through the dirt before disappearing underground.
Of course, deep inside, Jiraiya had his own suspicions of who it could be. But he had been disappointed one too many times beforehand to get his hopes up.
It didn't take long for Naruto to find the culprit behind the note—it was a masked jōnin sitting on the branches of a large tree in the middle of an otherwise empty field, giggling to himself from behind the pages of an Icha Icha book.
The book was the newest addition to the franchise, a first-edition hot off the press. Autographing it with a flourish, Jiraiya had pressed it into Naruto's hands, claiming that it was his reward for his diligence as an pupil over the years—never mind the fact that Naruto was still underage.
"If you wanted to read it that badly, you could've just asked," Naruto called up to the jōnin.
Having been completely absorbed in the book's contents, Kakashi almost looked surprised to see Naruto. "Ah, Naruto. I could've asked—but where's the fun in that?" Closing the book, Kakashi jumped down to the ground. Ambling over, he clapped Naruto by the shoulder. "I heard from the Lord Third that you're going to be made a jōnin. Congratulations."
"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."
His gaze lowering, Kakashi smiled faintly. "Mayu and Rai…would have been very proud of you."
"Yes, I suppose," Naruto replied, inclining his head.
"...How have you been settling in?"
"I've been keeping busy, under the orders of Hokage-sama. Though the genin from the Hidden Sand have been lying low, so it's been mostly quiet."
"Hm.. I see. That must be quite the nightmare for those in charge." Despite the consolatory words, Kakashi's tone sounded alarmingly cheerful; an afterglow of Jiraiya's books, perhaps. "Anyways, your promotion merits some kind of celebration, don't you think?" Kakashi tucked the book carefully away into his flak jacket. "Are you ready for our rematch?"
At last, Naruto felt a smile creep to his face as well.
The last time Naruto had truly faced off against Kakashi had been the day of their bell test. While Naruto had managed to snag a bell for their team then, it had been a match between a teacher and his pupils, mean to gauge their teamwork rather than test their battle prowess.
That was no longer the case. They were no longer in a forested terrain—a training ground meant to teach a genin how to utilize his surroundings. They faced each other on an open field as equals, the wind whipping through the grass at their feet.
"The winner will be whoever remains standing," said Naruto. He had zero intentions of holding back. With his imminent appointment to jōnin and Kakashi having his own team to handle, who knew when he'd next get a chance to properly measure his progress against Kakashi?
Kakashi accepted his proposal with an easy smile. "We'll still go out for ramen after this, I assume? There won't be any lingering hard feelings?"
"Sure—if you can still stomach anything by the end of it," Naruto retorted.
There was an opening pause, as each sized the other up.
The few times he'd seen Kakashi fight seriously, the jōnin had always been a terrifying sight to behold. On top of his prodigious base speed and taijutsu, his use of the Sharingan granted him mastery over at least four basic nature transformations, giving him a leg up over Naruto, who had mainly focused on honing his lightning and wind jutsu. No, the key to success would not be through superior technique. When it came to Kakashi, Naruto's best strategy would be to take advantage of where he had an edge, and simply overpower him.
The seconds ticked by—and Naruto struck first. The sound of metal against metal rang harshly through the air as Naruto's tantō met Kakashi's kunai. Their blades shook, neither of them giving ground—when Naruto's tantō suddenly pushed forward as Kakashi leapt back into the air.
"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu (Fire Release: Fireball Technique)!"
Naruto flipped back just as a roaring fireball slammed into the ground where he had been standing, its heat warming his face as his hands blurred into action midair.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu (Shadow Clone Technique)!"
In a smoking cloud, four of his clones appeared beside him. Evading another fireball that seared the ground by their feet, one took advantage of the smoke cover to disappear while the remaining three shot forward, convening on the jōnin from all directions.
Countering one clone's tantō with a kunai, Kakashi spun and kicked aside another clone. The third clone plunged its tantō into Kakashi's chest—and with a burst of of smoke, the jōnin disappeared, leaving just Naruto and his clones.
Naruto quickly scanned the area—feeling the ground beneath them tremor, he leaped away just as a pair of hands broke through the earth, latching onto one of his clones' feet. His clone self yelped as he was dragged down into the ground, before dissipating. Kakashi broke through to the surface and blocked Naruto's sweeping kick before flipping over his head and retaliating with a series of precisely aimed blows.
Lightning crackled. Kakashi's hands seemed to slow down in midair for Naruto; weaving between them, he thrust the hilt of his tantō into Kakashi's chest. At the last instant, in a true testimony to the speed of his reflexes, Kakashi veered back; but Naruto's tantō glanced across his sternum, and the force of the blow blew the jōnin back, leaving gashes through the ground.
His remaining clones weren't idle, choosing then to rush at Kakashi. The jōnin stomped the ground, and a block of rock erupted out, ramming into a clone that disappeared. The remaining two ran across the walls of the block, before tackling Kakashi—who promptly dissipated.
This time, however, it wasn't just an ordinary shadow clone.
Instead, it sent out a spark of blinding lightning that promptly sent a shock of a million volts running through Naruto's clones. They promptly disappeared, and their combined experiences of being hit by lightning struck Naruto like a sledgehammer.
It seemed that Kakashi had used the diversion of the block to instantaneously replace himself with a lightning clone. Naruto had to hand it to his former teacher—it was a move mixing both defensive and offensive strategy that would've debilitated most other ninja.
Of course, it was painful—but Naruto had suffered through much worse.
The lightning faded, leaving black steam sizzling off of Naruto—who nonetheless remained standing, to Kakashi's blatant surprise.
"Jiraiya-sama really put you through the wringer in your training, didn't he?" Kakashi replied wryly.
Despite their soon-to-be equal standing, it seemed Kakashi was finding it rather hard to let go of his teacher mentality. The way he was holding back in the match made it apparent that rather than trying to win, he was trying to draw out and evaluate everything Naruto had learned over the years.
Well, Naruto was more than happy to show him some of the results of his training.
A spinning ball of churning chakra appeared in each of Naruto's hands. "You're going to have to get a little more serious, Kakashi-sensei."
Reaching up with a hand, Kakashi raised his hitai-ate to reveal a red eye with spinning tomoe. "I could say the same to you, Naruto."
It didn't take long for Karin's teammates to fall asleep.
The sedative she'd sprinkled in their plates just before the meal was her own homegrown concoction, grinded down from the roots of a plant native to their country. In small doses, it sufficed as a painkiller for the bite marks on her arms; the amount she'd used was enough to knock out a large mammal—an apt descriptor for her constantly eating teammate.
While she wouldn't have dared to pull something like this back in Grass country, where she was almost constantly under strict supervision, when they were all the way out here in foreign territory, she had a little more leeway.
Now, with the two snoring into their rice bowls, Karin was free to pursue her own agenda without any fear of retaliation. Closing her eyes, she focused—and in an instant, she found him.
To her disappointment, he wasn't alone. It looked as though he was fighting against another vibrant chakra signature—but there was no killing intent in either of the two. A sparring match, then.
The day was warm and sunny. There was barely a cloud in the sky as Karin crossed the village, leaping across the rooftops in her haste. Despite the heavy security she'd sensed spread throughout the village—or perhaps as a result of it—the civilians passing below her feet seemed to be enjoying their daily mundane lives. Several of them noticed her running by, and then returned to their business without a second glance.
It made a stark difference from Kusagakure. Though they were technically in peacetime, given its near vicinity with multiple other countries, they were always having border disputes. There was never a day when the medical tents weren't overflowing with the wounded—a military effort that drained their civilians of their entire livelihoods, leaving them embittered and driven by self-interest.
These people don't know how good they have it, Karin thought wistfully.
Four wind-release Rasengan barrages later, Kakashi had somehow managed to emerge with just the single purpling bruise on his chest and a sheen of sweat on his brow. But there was not even a single moment to rest, as more of Naruto's clones threw themselves at him.
He was pretty sure the real Naruto was somewhere nearby—plotting something nasty, no doubt. Unfortunately, with his clones constantly on the offensive, Kakashi couldn't afford even a single opening in his defense without the risk of being obliterated by a souped up Rasengan.
Naruto had been strong enough to be considered for a jōnin appointment even before he'd left on the mission to Wave country. However, now, after several years under Jiraiya's tutelage, it seemed he'd returned with a much more efficient and polished skillset, attacking with a punishing pace meant to wear down any opponent. Given Naruto's massive chakra reserves, with a good strategy, he'd be able to outlast almost anyone.
But...this wasn't the extent of it. If it'd been anyone else, Kakashi would have accepted these improvements as a fine result of their years of training.
Because it was Naruto, however, Kakashi knew there was something still up his sleeve. As for whether he would be able to draw it out of him...well, Kakashi had joked about the student surpassing the teacher, but now, he was starting to feel like it wasn't so funny after all.
His chakra reserves were starting to run low; if Kakashi wanted to emerge from this without losing face, he'd have to end it here and now.
Another Naruto clone leaped at him—dodging the kick, Kakashi grabbed the clone by the arm and threw it at another clone. As the clones momentarily fell back, Kakashi concentrated lightning chakra into his hand, and the sound of a thousand chirping birds filled the air.
He shot towards the clones, the ground breaking at his feet with every step. His Chidori ripped through the clones at such a speed that they all burst into nothingness in the same instant. Where was Naruto?
—There! By the tree. His eyes were closed. Was he seriously sleeping? No. He was…
...meditating?
It was too late to turn back now. Kakashi's Chidori was already bearing down on Naruto—was it a clone?—
Suddenly, Naruto vanished.
A looming metal gate in the darkness, locked by a single seal. A lurking demon just beyond it, waiting for its one chance to break free.
Naruto was almost starting to get used to the sight.
"You again," snarled the Nine-tails. "What do you want now?"
"What I always want," said Naruto. "Stop getting in the way of my chakra."
The Nine-tails let out a guttural laugh that echoed through the darkness. "Your chakra, you say… I have prowled this world, free, for a millenia, but my chakra has been flowing through you since the moment your flimsy existence was conceived. You have known me for the entire length of your short, miserable life, but for me, this is merely a temporary jail. And when I break free, I will claim what is mine."
Naruto didn't reply; this wasn't the first time the Nine-tails had gone off on him. However, he knew they weren't empty threats. Thanks to Jiraiya, he knew that the Eight Trigrams Seal used to seal the Nine-tails within him was growing weaker over time. In fact, the more Naruto used the demon's chakra, the weaker the seal would grow, and the more easily it would be able to take control of his body.
Jiraiya had also introduced the toad with the key to his seal to Naruto in the midst of their basic fuinjutsu lesson.
"Minato knew that the seal would weaken over time, and he entrusted the key to me to strengthen the seal when the time came." Jiraiya paused, and looked up from the flickering campfire. "But Naruto, from the way this seal was set up, I believe he intended for you to be able to use the Nine-tails' chakra. If you want, I can use this key to weaken the seal instead, and help you start utilizing its power."
"No," Naruto replied flatly. "I won't rely on a power that I can't completely control. Isn't there a seal that will completely block the Nine-tails from taking over my body, but let me use its chakra?"
Wearing a thoughtful look, Jiraiya stroked his chin. "The tailed beasts aren't just chakra pumps, Naruto. While they aren't exactly living beings, they have individual personalities that cannot be suppressed. The seal used on you is one of the strongest seals I know of… But the most important thing I learned in my own fūinjutsu studies in Whirlpool country is that if there's a will, there is always a way." Jiraiya lowered his hand and gave Naruto an appraising stare. "How is your sage training going?"
Naruto opened his eyes.
The first clone he had sent out in the midst of his fight with Kakashi was finally ready.
Given Naruto's contract with a fox, gathering natural energy always took longer in the daytime, in the absence of moonlight. But with a clone hidden away to gather energy while he distracted his opponent, it was more than feasible.
His clone disappeared just before Kakashi's Chidori ripped it apart, and Naruto felt the natural energy immediately filling his body, waking up senses he hadn't even realized he'd been missing. Suddenly, he knew exactly how many blades of grass remained in the field; he could sense the Hokage pacing in his office all the way on the other side of the village; the Ame hunter-nin lying in a hospital bed; the Suna genin lurking in the foreigners' quarters; and the Kusa genin...was getting alarmingly close.
The balance wasn't perfect, what with the Nine-tails' chakra acting as a constant interference, like a giant boulder blocking a river. Nor would it last long—there was only enough energy to last him a few seconds, at best.
But it would have to be enough.
Sorry, Kakashi-sensei, he thought. I'm going to need you to get a little more serious.
The Naruto that had vanished had been a clone. Kakashi swung around immediately, searching for Naruto's chakra signature—and he found it.
Kakashi's eyes widened.
Naruto must have been hidden underground, for he erupted out now, directly before Kakashi. It was oddly reminiscent of their first fight during the bell test, when Naruto had leaped out of a hole in the ground to grab a bell off of Kakashi.
But that wasn't what took him by surprise—no, it was Naruto's chakra itself. Where it had been enormous before, it was now colossal, churning as though it yearned to break free of its vessel. What was more, Naruto's appearance had changed. His eyes were red, almost ferally so, and his hair had grown longer and shaggier in a way that fleetingly reminded him of the boy's parents.
Had the Nine-tails taken control again? But no—this felt different from before. Somehow, Naruto was in perfect control.
All of this ran through Kakashi's head in the split second that he glimpsed Naruto shooting towards him. The next instant, he felt Naruto's foot collide into his chest, precisely where he'd previously struck with his hilt. Something audibly cracked and he flew back, tumbling through the dirt and grass. Grimacing, before he lost complete control, Kakashi plunged his kunai into the ground to forcibly stop himself, the momentum nearly ripping the skin off his hands.
When his body finally skidded to a stop, he let go of the kunai. Letting his hand drop to his side, he exhaled. His ribs hurt; he'd definitely fractured something.
Soon, he heard Naruto's steps approach him.
"That was a little much on an old man like me," Kakashi grumbled.
"That's what happens when you hold back," came Naruto's dry voice.
A thought struck him, and Kakashi checked his chest pocket. To his relief, the novel he'd tucked away was miraculously still in one piece.
As Naruto's imperfect sage mode faded away, he could feel the influence on his body disappearing as well. His clawed appendages reverted to fingers and toes, and his hair shrank to its normal cropped length. As the energy seeped back into his surroundings, he could feel a dull sense of tiredness settling over him, rather like he was coming down from a severe adrenaline rush.
He looked around at the field—or at least, what remained of it. While Area 15 had once been a level plain, it now more closely resembled a minefield.
Wincing, Kakashi stood up, brushing the dirt off his legs. "Well, Naruto, we've got a lot left to discuss, it seems."
"Before that, sensei, there's someone I need to talk to," said Naruto, turning to look towards the edge of the field.
The girl from the Hidden Grass was waiting there. Even if Naruto hadn't sensed her coming, her spiky red hair made her a difficult sight to miss. At that moment, she appeared to be staring at him in a shell-shocked sort of way.
Kakashi did a double take. And then, he shook his head.
"It's like I don't even know you anymore, Naruto."
Naruto felt himself sweat. "It's not what you think it is."
"Of course," said Kakashi lightly. "Well, I have to drop by the hospital to get my ribs checked out anyways. Let's get dinner some other time—go enjoy your date." Making an ironic salute with his fingers towards Naruto, the jōnin limped resolutely away in the opposite direction.
Naruto followed his progress for a few seconds, before turning back to the matter at hand.
The genin—Karin, was it?—had been trailing him before, in the Forest of Death, and had offered up a smile during the preliminaries. And now, she'd even tracked him down to this remote training field. What did she want from him? Did she have any compromising information on him?
In the short time that Naruto had interacted with Karin at the exams, she'd seemed to be a fairly proficient and put-together kunoichi. Now, for some reason, she looked bashful as she approached him.
"Uzumaki Naruto… Do you remember me?" she asked, her eyes darting up to his face, before looking down.
This odd indecision between his face and her shoes continued to repeat itself.
"We fought in the chūnin exams in Sunagakure," Naruto replied. "Is there a reason you've been following me?"
Karin's face lit up. "So you do remember me! I'm so glad. I just wanted to know..." She squirmed. "...if-if you have a girlfriend!"
Naruto blinked.
"Is that all you wanted to know?" he asked.
Karin nodded furiously.
Without responding, Naruto began to walk away. This wasn't the first time someone had tried to flirt with him. Ever since his growth spurt, he'd noticed a dramatic increase in interest from the girls within his vicinity. More than a few times, they'd turned out to be a kunoichi bent on getting information out of him and Jiraiya; and unlike the latter, who somehow always fell for their advances, Naruto had long since learned to tune them out.
"Wait—I wanted to thank you!" shouted Karin from behind him. "For the fish you left behind!"
Despite himself, Naruto stopped, and turned around. "What do you mean?"
This time, Karin looked straight into his face. "In Grass country… I was starving, and you left behind one of the fish for me from the river. It saved me. Thank you."
Grass country… Fish… A basket...
A vague recollection replayed itself in Naruto's mind. That had been her? He'd caught a glimpse of her retreating, and thought it had been a civilian down on their luck. How had a kunoichi as capable as her ended up in such a sorry state?
"You're welcome," he said at last.
"I'm so glad you grew up hot," added Karin, a bead of drool dangling from the side of her mouth.
Women are all the same, Naruto thought to himself, and walked away.
A/N: Fyi, there will be no Sage of Six Paths/Kaguya/etc in this story. Story-wise, the third exam starts next chapter.
Edit: As in, they don't exist (or at least, are dormant/dead and stay that way permanently). Their presence completely screwed up power levels in canon, so I'm excluding them.
So I would really appreciate feedback on this chapter, particularly where it comes to Naruto vs Kakashi. Honestly, I was a little conflicted about whether to show Naruto's imperfect sage mode here or wait to reveal it until he's actually facing an enemy, but y'all were getting antsy so here it is. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ His finalized sage mode is going to introduce a few interesting and new aspects, but I welcome other suggestions for his base skill set.
Also, before any of you say anything, this is still not a romance or a Naruto x Karin (or whatever ship) fic. For all his emotional retardation (which is improving!), Naruto is a healthy 15 year old who is starting to receive attention from girls, and is also starting to notice them himself—though whether he wants to or not is a different story.
As always, thank you (and happy birthday) to the best beta in the world, blueandgold!