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Chapter 45

I got my shit together slowly, resentfully, and altogether miserably. My ribs were harsh degrees of purple and blue, the skin around two of my finger swollen, a startling indigo. My eye had swelled to the point of half-blindness, the whites shot through with red. At some point, my opponent had taken a rather impressive shot at my hip and drove me to the ground, the skin all along my thigh and pelvis a network of popped blood vessels and swollen, bruised flesh.

I hobbled around the tiny apartment that the arena had assigned me with blank commitment, throwing away the piles of take-out food with flies and mold starting to congeal. I cleaned the shower, which was a disaster of soap scum and crusted shampoos and conditioners. I took out the sheets and finally washed all of the clothes that had been in stinking piles around my room.

And I wondered how one human could let themselves live in filth without even batting an eye. I was ashamed - ashamed that I had let everything slip so thoroughly; that I couldn't even smell the filth that I had surrounded myself in. And, I was tired - so fucking tired. It felt like a battle that I had waged against myself - a fight to just have the simple dignity of a clean room. My gut tightened, convulsing as Minoru watched me go about every task in methodical slowness. I didn't want his help - afraid that if I accepted even an ounce of kindness at this moment, that I might curl in on myself again. And that this time I might not come out.

I suppose that was the reason why I had let things get so bad - let the filth build and build until no sane human would be able to come in here and not gag. It felt a lot more like a representation of my insides than the shiny, fresh new room I was uncovering. In this room, I had let the quicksand finally take over, had let it gobble up my feet, eating me away until I had no choice but to stop, to wither and die. One day everything around you seems so neat, and then you close your eyes because you grow tired, and things have gotten out of control by the time you open them again.

Cleanliness was a sign of self-respect, I decided as I hauled out another bag of garbage, ignoring the pointed stares from the contestants milling about in the halls. And I didn't think I had much of that left.

I stayed under the shower spray for a very long time that afternoon, blinking into the fluorescent light of the bathroom. The sharp scent of disinfectant stung my nose, following me as I toweled off and went to sit on the edge of my bed. Outside my narrow window, the city looked more alive than ever, neon lights glowing like pointed fingers.

What are we going to do? It was the first time that Minoru had spoken to me all day, my mind giving him a vacant sign every time he had tapped at that bond that connected us. I kept my eyes on the flickering lights of the city just outside of my window.

I had always been the one in charge, I thought drily, keeping my thoughts away from his inquisitive mind, my stomach rumbling in pained protest to a day without food. I slid off the freshly laundered sheets, going to the small kitchenette to get out a bottle of water and gulping it down. My eyes finally slid to the only companion I had had for all 24 years of my life.

I had been holding his creation against him for so long now. It played at the forefront of my mind - a page worn by my fingers. Did any of that matter anymore? My mind drifted, sharpening painfully as it echoed out Ichihiro's last, dying screams. He was purer than I was, at the moment, sitting there looking at me like he would try and do any request I gave him.

Jump, Minoru

Be more specific. Tell me how long you want me to remain in the air.

I didn't deserve that kind of devotion - not even from a creature cut from my own flesh and nen.

I blinked, tearing my eyes away from him as I downed the rest of the water. What do you want to do?

Wh-what? His shock rippled through our line, plucking at it until I felt it shiver. Those dark, fathomless eyes glinted at me from across the room and I shut my eyes against the forlorn edge, his massive head tipping to the side in open worry.

I want to know what you want to do, I breathed, finally meeting his eyes again. We stayed locked there for a moment, a silent posturing happening in our minds. Was I slipping? I could see him wondering. Had she lost her edge? One boy that deserved to die, and now she couldn't even make a decision on what would happen next. I shook my head slightly, a grim smile tugging at my lips. I didn't know what Ichihiro's brutal murder had broken inside of me, but I was willing to bet that it wasn't the sharp, brittle edges of myself. I was willing to bet that it was something a lot softer - that last flicker of hope finally being gently extinguished.

My forearms met the cold counter as I leaned down, my eyes trapping his. We have a few options in front of us. Heaven's Arena is good for a roof over our head and I saw something interesting today.

Minoru's stubby ears twitched in a silent question.

That little green bean and his friend have come by. My nails had grown long these past weeks. I think it's interesting that they keep showing up near us. I would like to keep an eye on them. Towns like this one aren't nice to kids like him. I took another gulp of water. I need to find out what happened to my mother as well.

His ears flattened at the reminder of our bloody past, but today I didn't feel the familiar bitterness at the mention. It felt almost like a name on a long, long list - just something that I needed to check off. Suddenly my years felt very, very heavy upon my shoulders.

Hisoka. I didn't know what else to say. My eyes drifted to the lights just outside of my window.

He's been helping us, Minoru whispered, sounding doubtful.

I grinned at the concept, my lips feeling taut and sore with the unfamiliar action. If I was someone else, then maybe I would have been able to take that at face value. If I was the girl from a few months ago, maybe I would have happily complied with that idea.

Hisoka Morrow wasn't the nameless donator. He didn't give to people that he thought would remain in his debt. One of the reasons I liked him so much is because I knew that his aide came with strings. He wanted something from me - an endpoint that wasn't entirely within my grasp yet. Maybe it was as simple as seeing me reach my full potential so that he could break me himself. Maybe it was something far less tangible - having a front row to my self-destruction. Hisoka didn't measure exchanges in the same way that others did. Things that seemed like an even trade weren't necessarily his way of working. He enjoyed giving as long as he knew that his end goal would be met.

The best way to counter such chaos was to have something over him. And since I was unable to beat him in a fair fight, I would need to start…improvising. It was only fair for a girl to know who she was courting, after all.

I want to make sure that he doesn't have too many favors under his belt where it concerns us, I said, and Minoru nodded slowly.

He may have begun to warm to the thought of the scarlet-haired man, but it was unlikely that he would ever fully trust him. His emotions were wound with my own, our traumas shared. As long as I remained the same, so would he.

The easiest to start on will be Gon, he debated, tipping his head this way and that.

I downed the last of my water. We'll start there then.

Training. I trained compulsively, my abilities growing by minuscule steps every single day. I wanted it to be immediate. I wanted my strength to come back immediately. I wanted my abilities to grow immediately. Greed made me bitter, my stomach twisting with the sour ache of it.

I won my next two matches with ease, the boos from my first returning match turning into eerie quiet as I took out my opponent easily. This level was made up of none nen-users, giving me a frankly unfair advantage. By my second match back, the crowd had turned into reluctant admirers, my opponent giving me begrudging respect.

I moved levels that night, the carpets on the 200th floor a deep red, the lamps lining the walls gaudy, ornate things. There would be no prize money on these floors, only fame and glory - whatever that meant. I didn't entirely know why anyone would want to go beyond the 100s - that is, until I got into my room. The walls were all windows, clean, sparkling windows that overlooked the city from such a height that it looked like a sea of stars below - like we were gods too high to see even the mortals below. The bed was big enough for Minoru and I to sleep comfortably with soft, downy sheets. There was a study area and a bathing room that had a separate tub and shower stall. It was all very grand.

Gon and his companion just got to the 100th floor, Minoru murmured that evening as I concentrated on turning on and off my nen, whirling it out, hardening it around my fingers. My hair was a long silver mess down my back, the bangs that I had chopped just that morning already becoming an annoyance.

Have you noticed anything?

Minoru's head tipped this way and that as he debated. Of Gon? Not particularly. But… his friend.

My eyes cracked open, interest peaking once more as I caught the greedy glint in my bear's eyes, the patches of glittering red lighting with his emotions. The silver-haired one?

He does this thing, Minoru hedged, his shoulders hunching forward as if he were curling around the memory, keeping it tight to his belly. He has this skill - like a fright… I don't know what to call it. But it's… interesting.

I stared at him for a moment longer. I'll go with you when his next match comes up. Maybe we can learn something.

His eyes lit at the suggestion. It had been slow moving for both of us since our nen abilities became more apparent. It turned out that learning with absolutely no guidance was much more difficult. There were no real rules except the ones that we created, and that in itself was enough to send a person spiraling into dank chaos.

If he uses nen, we can't replicate it, I mused, slowly untangling my legs from beneath me. How many times have you seen him use this ability?

Minoru considered. It's not necessarily one. Like a… like a tree with roots. There are different ways that he uses it, different methods with different outcomes. None use nen… I'll only need to see it performed a few more times - 3? Maybe 4?

I went to our fridge, popping a lid from my water and downing it. I roll the thought of the silver-haired boy around in my head. Odd… odd that Gon had drawn so much of my attention when there was someone like Killua just beside him. I cracked my neck.

The stadium was loud, the pungent scent of beer and some other fermented substance hanging heavy in the air. Up in the stands, the people were pressed so close that I could barely make out one head of hair from the next from my position at the top of steps, my side pressed tight to the tunnels that would filter in the next rush of people to the stands. Two matches had already passed in our wait for Gon and Killua's.

My mind played over my training Kukuroo Mountain. It wasn't lost on me who Killua was, how easily this interest in him could make me the target of people who I wasn't entirely sure I could handle. So we needed to tread carefully.

I closed my nen off, sucking back everything but that single strand that kept the now invisible Minoru tethered to me.

I need to get a closer look, Minoru murmured, and I nodded, slipping a bit farther back into the shadows of the tunnel as a shot of silver hair swaggered up to the stage, his shoulders lose, hands stuffed into the pockets of his pants. He looked like a kid that knew he was too good. He looked like someone that any of the older, more bitter contestants would target to teach a lesson.

Inside my chest, I could feel a slight buzzing - a bee moving around inside of my ribcage just beneath my lunges. Minoru had already started then.

"Well, well, well." The honeyed purr dragged along my spine, sharp beneath all of that sugar. I didn't move as I felt Hisoka slip into the space just behind me, his big body crowded against my back until I could feel the warm heat of him. His breath was a hot caress as he leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I didn't think I would be seeing you again, mousie. You looked a bit worse for wear the last time I saw you."

My insides heated at the reminder, scorching shame burning across my insides. It was a disgrace that I had let him see me like that. But also…

My voice came out cooler than I thought it would, my eyes still trained on where I could see Killua squaring off against his opponent, watching him with a calculating eye. "Your kind words were useful. They gave me enough motivation to get up again."

"Useful." He rolled the word around on his tongue slowly, somehow making it sound much more sinful than it actually was. I felt all of the pact muscles of his shift behind me, rolling against the sensitive skin of my back. "I don't think I've ever been called that before."

"Nor ever again," I drawled out, finally tipping my head to the side so that I could cast a single eye up at him. His face, the hulking mass of him, was cast in shadows - so big and daunting that I saw a few patrons hesitate at the door before exiting once more to find another entrance tunnel. Those golden eyes pierced me, sharp and luminous in the dim.

His eyes ran over me, darkening until all I could see was the hunger there, his pupils expanding to near black as he watched me. He looked like he wanted to eat me up, lick away all the frill and decoration and bite into me. "You're all cold indifference today, pet." His eyes glowed, flaring back to brilliant gold. "Anything to do with…." His lips curved, canines flashing. "Your little adventure a few weeks ago?"

Ah. So we were talking about that. I didn't know why I had thought that we would be tiptoeing around this subject. I turned fully, my neck craning as the full, solid mass of him became painfully clear, my front skimming across his. He didn't move away. And if anything, I moved closer. We didn't dance around delicate issues, it seemed. No. Our relationship was built off of blunt, brutal truths.

"No," I breathed, watching as his head dipped down, one muscled arm coming to level against the wall just beside my head. "I hardly remember it, actually. It was an end. Nothing more." You dirty little liar. Hisoka's eyes danced with dry humor. For a split second, I debated pushing him and then quickly hunkered down as I made a decision. "I've been reading lately-"

"Books?" He inquired and I kept the fact that I had had to use the audio version available on the hunter's web. His lips curled. "How very dull."

Lies mixed with blinding truths. I knew that Hisoka read. He was too smart - knew too much about too many different things. Part of that came from going too many places, seeing and wanting too much. But some had to come from studying.

"It's very strange," I murmured, bringing out a hand to slowly press against the hard planes and dips of his stomach. The shirt beneath my fingers was cool, only growing hot as my palm pressed down, meeting his skin. I dragged it slowly upward, enjoying the packed muscles as I went. "I came across something. A little article from a place called Glam Gas - have you heard of it?"

His body had stilled, all enjoyment hardening into something else entirely. The lines of his face turned granite with shock. Someone who knew him a bit less would probably think that he was still enjoying this conversation. My fingers pressed into the hard ridge of his pecs, my eyes slowly dragging up to his.

I continued on, not wanting or expecting a response. "Did you know that they used to have a dinky little troupe of performers there? Moritonio's? No. That wasn't it. Mori - Moritonio's Traveling Mysteries!" I gasped, letting out a feral grin as his nen crashed into me, rocking me back to my heels for a moment before I could uncork my own, grappling with him. His face had transformed, all humor disappearing as he stared down at me with clear, chilling anger. I shifted my nen, pressing back on him with enough pressure that I felt Minoru's attention shift to me. Keep the plan, I called down our line, sneering up at the man looming over me.

His head tipped to the side as he watched me wrestle with his nen, adding a bit more pressure until I felt a dribble of sweat slide down my spine.

"Mori," he purred, his voice so sweet that I felt a reactive shiver of dread tighten my gut. "Have you been being a bad girl?"

I clicked my tongue, dragging my hand up his shoulders to the exposed skin of his throat. He didn't twitch at the sudden heat against his chilled flesh. His eyes darkened, swirling to a molten gold. "You taught me first, sweetheart."

"Mm." I felt the sound rumbling through my fingertips, his hair tickling at the skin of my hand. His teeth flashed in a sneer, his body looming over me, all-encompassing. "Don't make me regret that decision, little pet."

I looked at him through my lashes. "Pity I haven't already done that," I murmured. My gaze slid to the hair grazing my fingers, tipping a bit to the side as I let my hand dive into the wild red mass, feeling his nen flare against me with obvious interest. He liked his hair pulled, I noted. I let my voice go soft, drawling. "I liked it better when it was that cute baby blue."

I was up against the wall so quickly that I couldn't do more than take it, a hand around my throat cutting off the gasp that burst from me as Hisoka's teeth flashed in a feral snarl. His nose skimmed along mine, his body curving around me as he kept me pressed to the cold wall. His hair was still tangled around my fingers, my other hand flying to his liver as I tried and failed to land a punch. My wrist gave a dull scream of pain as his free hand slammed my own to the wall. Caged. I let out a low laugh, enjoying the shock of seeing real emotions clouding him.

My nen caressed his, enjoying the angry, rolling bite of it beneath mine. "Touch a nerve?"

"I'm going to say this very slowly so that I can be sure that you understand, little girl." A thrill coursed through my core, the low rumble of his voice making my head go light. Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen from how tightly he was clutching my throat. I grinned up at him lazily.

I had only been able to find one picture with a few minor details. A troupe name. A location. And a single picture that contained a blurry, barely there image of a sullen boy, tucked at the very corner, in the very back, his hair a vivid baby blue, his body lean with barely-there muscle - muscle that hadn't had the chance to grow in his short life. Muscles that contained the story of scraping by, wrestling any form of nutrition from anywhere.

It was enough. Glam Gas was known as the pleasure capital. The beating, bloody heart of all entertainment - all at a price. It was a disgusting, repulsive place for children to grow up - especially considering that all pleasures were on the table there.

"I've put too much time and effort into you to snap your pretty little neck right now," he breathed, and I resisted the urge to scoff. He hadn't. I could see the interest beneath that gaze. He hated me for digging, but he wanted more. He liked the danger - the chaos that came from a pet that you had thought was under your control slipping loose. "So I'll give you a generous warning. Don't go snooping around in things that will bury you."

His eyes seared into me.

Done, Minoru called.

I gave him a slow, lazy smile. "Yes, sir."

My fingers yanked at his hair once more, watching his eyes mist with barely contained desire before I wrapped my nen around every curve of him. His body went down like a sack hurled from the bow of a boat, his eyes widening in shock as he crumpled, my nen coating him, pressing him down with all the insistence as a wave taking a human in its embrace. I stared down at him for a moment, my fingers still tangled in the mess of his scarlet hair.

I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward, my breath blowing hot along his lips. "You look good on your knees."

Coming, I called down our bond, turning and trying to keep my stride slow even as I felt my nen starting to quiver with the effort of keeping someone as big as Hisoka down. I let my teeth gnash when I wasn't facing him, sweat starting to pool and collect at my nape and back.

30 seconds. I gasped, breath sawing from me as I slid free of the tunnel and into the main waiting area, tvs blaring out current matches. 30 seconds but I had been able to do it. I winced, clutching at my ribs as they gave a dull ache. They were nearly better but not entirely healed. I gritted out a low curse speed walking to the elevator and taking the first one that training was paying off. I let out a ragged breath. Thank god the training was paying off.

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