It was a perfect evening in. Just the two of them and some cliché romantic movies and wine.
"I can hear you thinking, what's on your mind, baby?" Emma asked her, as she mindlessly drew patterns on the brunettes back.
Regina lay nestled between Emma's legs with her upper body resting on top of the blonde, head above her heart. She shook her head lightly, "Nothing really, just thought about something Tinkerbell said." She sighed
"I don't think it's nothing, I can feel it's bothering you. You can talk to me… you know that." She moved her one hand and interlaced their fingers, giving a reassuring squeeze, "but i understand if you'd rather not."
Regina sighed, she knew opening up to Emma would never come with any judgement; it was something that just worked with them. They had both come from troubled pasts and did what they had to in order to get through the day. It's one of the aspects of their relationship she appreciated and valued.
She shifted off the blonde's chest to straddle her lap. She let out a heavy sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. "There was a time in the enchanted forest… my earlier years of marriage to Leopold. I was in a dark place; I was angry and filled with rage. Tink had found me in a moment of weakness and had offered her friendship." Regina rolled the hem of Emma's shirt between her thumb and index finger, she hated talking about her past and needed something to ground her.
Emma was watching her with soft eyes, she knew the older woman struggled opening up in general but her past was particularly difficult. She took Regina's hand in her own and brought it up to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of her palm. "I'm here, baby. You're safe. Take your time." She soothed.
The brunette gave a half smile, "We spent time together whenever I wasn't locked up in the castle. I'd never had a friend before; It was quiet refreshing really, having someone to talk to and actually take an interest." She sighed, "The one day over lunch she had asked me why I was so full of rage. The thing is rage was all I had, the anger from my past and being trapped in a marriage I didn't want. It made me hard; it was the only thing keeping me going. Without anger and rage… I was nothing." She expressed, eyes glistening with unshed tears.
At the admission Emma sat up gently, arms wrapping around her wife's waist still holding her close and scooted back a little till she was resting against the arm if the couch. She lifted her and cupped Regina's cheeks, "Honey, you were not nothing. Okay, you still aren't." she stroked her thumb affectionately against Regina's cheek and placed a light kiss on her lips and then forehead before moving her hands down to the brunettes hips "I don't think you were full of rage at all. In fact, I think you were grieving". She trailed off
Regina narrowed her eyes and scrunched her nose in confusion, "Grieving, really?" she questioned
"Yes, baby. Think about it… there are 5 stages of grief;
Shock and denial,
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
"So yes, you were grieving; I'd say you got stuck on anger and depression." Emma responded gently.
"Okay, I understand that but what would I have been grieving?" she could now see that indeed she might have been grieving it just didn't occur to her what she was grieving.
"Honey, you were grieving the person you used to be and the person you were never able to become. Think about it; your mother forced you into a marriage when you were still a girl, you were then forced to be a mother and wife. Everything you enjoyed was taken away from you and slowly it killed your spirit and soul." She stopped and stared into her wife's brown eyes, "That is who you were grieving." She went on.
A sob escaped Regina, she hadn't ever thought of it that way. But it all made sense, Leopold had killed the girl she once was. The one who loved horses, nature and just wanted to be free. Instead she was trapped in a loveless marriage with a much older man and put down until there was no longer a trace of the innocent bright eyed girl there once was.
The brunette wrapped her arms around her wife's neck and buried her face in blonde curls, she felt Emma wrap her arms around her and rub her back in soothing circles; while Emma whispered sweet words in her ear.
They stayed in the embrace for a few minutes; Regina had calmed and pulled back slowly. Red rimmed, teary brown eyes looked into green; "I love you, Emma." She whispered
Emma gave her a half grin, "I love you, Regina. So much, the woman you were and the woman you became, all versions of you." She whispered and leaned in kissing her wife deeply to convey the love she felt for her.