John walked in and was overcome with emotion. She looked so fragile and tired as she slept there. He desperately wanted to hold her, but he didn't think that was okay given the circumstances. He sat next to her and took her hand. He looked at her, trying to see if there was any noticeable difference, even though he knew any scars were covered by the hospital gown. He ran his finger through her hair, and instantly teared up. He sat down next to the bed, and took her hand. He got caught up in how familiar her hand felt, how great and normal it felt in his. He almost couldn't believe it, that her hand was in his again. He didn't know how she was going to react when she woke up, but damn it if he wasn't going to enjoy her asleep right now. He could tell she was exhausted, but then again so was he. He knew it was hell to sleep without her next to him, and he knew that once she felt the same way.
"I'm sorry, Natalie" he whispered, "God, I'm sorry about all of this. You shouldn't- this shouldn't have happened, you shouldn't have to do this alone" he said, "I never wanted it to go this far, I didn't want any of this, I don't know how we got so far apart-" he paused, "I hated every day I spent away from you and Liam, I don't think I've slept in a year" he said, "Every time I hit a dead end, I wanted to call you, every time I felt like I couldn't do anything else I wanted you tell me I was wrong" he said, "You make me realize all this is worth it. I should have been there for you, to go to that appointment, to cry to, to hold your hand" he said, "If you'll let me, I'll stay by your side, I swear, Natalie, I-" he said, "I can't lose you"
Every second seemed like an hour. He didn't know how long she was supposed to sleep, but it seemed like too long. He tried to tell himself that she needed the rest, but part of his brain couldn't believe she'd be okay until she woke up.
He'd prayed and hoped and cursed himself out, and now he just sat, watching her breathe. It calmed him some, like it always had, but he just wanted to see her eyes, or hear her voice. He'd spent a year remembering them, but now that he was so close to her, he wanted the real thing. He couldn't keep himself from running his hands through her hair every now and then, it was a feeling he'd tried to remember, but all his memories had fallen just a little flat.
He didn't know how long it had been he'd been studying her face, but he noticed her eyes fluttering and inhaled, knowing she was waking up.
Her eyes opened, and she could feel what she was certain was John's hand holding hers, and was comforted by the notion. She wasn't sure she wanted to wake up and realize he wasn't there. Nevertheless, she opened her eyes.
There he was. She looked into those crystal blue eyes she'd only dreamed of for far too long. He was still, as he always was, but she still couldn't believe she was awake. Dreams didn't move, and neither was he. Still, she could live in this state for awhile, to remember what it felt like to have him in her corner.
God, she was beautiful. Her eyes were the perfect shade of blue, something he couldn't describe, and something he found he couldn't replicate in his mind's eye. Right now, she didn't look scared, or mad, or upset. She just looked at him, the way they had on so many occasions when they didn't have anything to say.
But this wasn't one of those times.
So he spoke.
"You look pretty"
For a second she smiled, but then the tears came. John sat on the bed the second she moved, and she threw herself into his arms, her tears unstoppable now that they had a rightful release.
"John" she whimpered, burrowed into his chest.
He held her flush against him, and the tears came for him too.
"Ssh" he said, quietly, trying not to let on that he was crying, too, "I'm here, I'm okay. It's okay" he said.
He rested his head against, hers, closing his eyes against the tears. He knew she wouldn't think less of him for his tears, but he thought she might need this more than he did right now. He relished the feel of her in his arms again. He felt complete in a way he hadn't in a very long time. He breathed her in, and was sure he was getting lightheaded from her scent, it was unchanged, and yet it had been so long it seemed new again. He felt her against him, and he normally loved the feeling of her occupying she space he wasn't, and he still did. She felt so right flush against him, but normally when she wasn't wearing a bra he could feel her breasts used to press against him fully, and now he could feel the gaps where they'd taken the tumors out and he realized for the first time what it must have cost her to get this far by herself.
"Ssh" he said, rubbing her back, "You're okay, you're okay" he said, "I'm not going anywhere" he soothed her.
All the tears she'd been holding back for a week now just overflowed into his shoulder. He was the only one she could cry to because he was the only one who wouldn't see her as broken and he was the only one who know how to make her feel better, even now, at her worst, he was succeeding. He was so strong, and holding her so close, it was everything she needed. She hadn't been this close to another human in so long that it felt so amazing, especially knowing it was him and that he was here. She could feel him crying as well, and knew he must know what precisely put her in here to start with. She could feel the cuts, and she was sure he could too with how close he was holding her. He didn't let her go, but she backed away from him a little to look in his eyes.
All the questions she had, everything she wanted to say, all that went out the window. She leaned in and kissed him.
He'd been prepared for a lot of reactions, but he couldn't say this was one of them. She felt like heaven and he'd forgotten how wonderful kissing her felt. His heartbeat was skipping, he was sure, but the feeling of warmth, her warmth spread through him, and he couldn't help himself from deepening it. He cradled her head, keeping her close.
She was reeling, drunk off of him. She didn't remember how much she could feel off of just one kiss. It all came back to her, why she found him so irresistible, how much he could drive her crazy with want.
She leaned back out to breathe, and he slowly opened his eyes.
"Natalie-" he whispered, too overcome to say anything else.
"I can't believe you're really here" she said, a tear rolling down her face.
He wiped it away, brushing his thumb on her cheek, "I came as soon as I could. I should have come sooner"
"So Michael was telling the truth? He got through to you?"
"Yeah, late last night, the FBI program or satellite or whatever they were using to block my calls went down and he got through"
"When did you get here?"
"Right before you went into surgery. Mike said you'd already been given the drugs to knock you out, you probably didn't know I was here" he said, "I tried to get here in time, Natalie, I-"
She wiped the tear off of his face, "You're here now. And that's more than I expected"
"I should have been here sooner, I knew something was wrong"
She tried to talk, but couldn't, overcome with tears.
He was immediately wiping them away, "Hey, it's okay" he whispered, "Talk to me"'
"You came. You're here" she looked down.
"Yeah, I'm here" he said, and he was sure he was crying too, "And you can hate me, you can tell me go to hell, but I am not going anywhere"
"I missed you" she said, "You were the only one I wanted to talk to"
"So I heard" he said, "I talked to Bo"
"They'd all look at me like I was about to break. They'd pity me and treat me like a kid and I couldn't do that"
"I know" he whispered, "I just wish you weren't alone"
"I've been alone a lot"
He shook his head, "Doesn't make this any easier"
"And having you would have?"
"I know you" he said, "I know that's the first time you've cried about this"
"It's not"
"Alright, it's the first time you've cried to someone"
She didn't answer.
"Maybe it wouldn't have been easy, it's not going to be easy, but it's better to have someone in your corner"
"I wanted to tell you, I wanted to cry to you, I wanted-" she broke down in tears again.
"I know" he said, "I'm sorry, Natalie, I'm so sorry" he said.
She lightly kissed him again, "I should have known"
"What?"
"All it would take to get you back would be me on my deathbed"
"No" he said, "You're not dying" he said with all the determination he could muster.
"John, let's be realistic"
"No" he said, "You're not going to die, Natalie. You're stronger than this"
"It's a possibility"
He shook his head, "Not to me. Not to you"
"John-"
"Natalie, I can live in a world where we can't be together, I can live in a world where you hate me. I can't live in a world without you" he said, "I can't lose you. Not for good. Not like that."
She didn't respond, just burrowed into his shoulder again. He wrapped his arms around her tight.
"You are stronger than this" he whispered to her, "You're stronger than anything. If anyone can do this, Natalie, you can" he said, petting her hair, "Hey, if you can put up with me for ten years, if the two of us can make a kid as great as Liam, you can beat this"
"I don't want to leave him" she whimpered.
"You're not going to" he whispered, "cuz I can't do this by myself"
"You haven't done it at all" she said, looking at him again.
"No, I meant" he paused, "I mean, this, I can't be without you" he said, "I don't know how, and the past year has only proved to me I need you"
"I should hate you"
"You can hate me. You have every right to"
"I can't. I've tried" she said, and he wiped a tear away, "We just really suck at this, don't we?"
"Except for when we don't" he said, "Then we're really good at it"
"Yeah, we're pretty good together"
"We're together now" he said.
"Your brother's watching"
"Of course he is" he said, "I'm sure I'll hear it for making you cry, he's gotten very protective of you, you know"
"Jealous?"
"Of him?" he said, trying to hide his self-disappointment.
"John, what is it?"
"Maybe he's right to be protective"
"What?"
"Maybe he's right to be protecting you from me"
"Hey" she said, "You came back. You chose me over work. You chose me"
"That was never the choice I had to make"
"Momma!" they heard and both turned to the door.